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I can't comprehend that Dad doesn't exist


Augustgirl

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I lost my Dad last October very suddenly, but I still can't comprehend that he's really gone. To think that he's never coming back and that I'll never spend a second with him again is more than my brain can handle. I'm not religious or spiritual so I don't believe that we'll meet again one day and I don't believe that he's looking down on me. In some ways I wish I did believe this as it may make coping with his death easier.

I believe that when my Dad died that  was it for him. He ceased to exist. Yes, he exists in people's memories, but that is all. Physically, he's a pile of ashes buried under a few feet of soil. I can't comprehend that his body is no more, that his body isn't just 'somewhere else'. He has no idea what I'm now doing in life and never ever will, he does not think, breath or feel. The second he died he ceased to be.

How do other people who don't have religious or spiritual beliefs cope with the death of a parent or loved one? Does anyone have advice on coming to terms with the belief that the person who died is in fact now no more than particles in the soil? That their soul does not continue on existing somewhere else? 

 

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So sorry for your loss of your dad. You and your dad loved each other very much. He raised you, loved you with his heart, taught you. He was a role model in your life and is greatly missed. Words are inadequate I know and there is nothing anyone can say that will ease your pain. Grieving is a process and the journey is individual. Try to live your life the way you think your dad would want you to, with love and compassion.

 

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What my psychologist said to me and what I came to realise as well, is that my mother (who passed away inaugust) lives on through me. I have been living on my own for the last 6 years and I realised (even before she passed) that I subconsciously picked up on a lot of her household habits (such as cleaning the windows or doing the laundry in a specific way) or all the things she taught me when I still loved at home (all her cooking skills and tips and tricks and hacks). I have been living with roommates for a few years and I noticed how they do certain things differently, like making their bed and other, mundane and everyday things that you do automatically, and realised that I do them differently, like my mom used to. That always made me smile and thought of how I picked up on all of this stuff subconsciously. And I am even more aware of these things after her passing. So I see myself as her legacy, and try to live and to be the best version of myself that I can and how she brought me up. And one day, hopefully pass her legacy through me onto my children and teaching them everything my mom taught me. 

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Hi Augustgirl,

My dad died suddenly in May from a fall and brain injury.

I have a couple of non-spriritual things that have helped me deal with the loss of him recently. One is the realization that no one can ever take away the fact that he was my dad, he existed, my memories are real, and there's nothing anyone can ever do to change it. That to me made him permanent. When Christmas came I thought I'd never, ever be able to handle it, and I'd end up in a padded cell with a strait jacket or dead. No...what happened was memories of him and past Christmases, and how they are seared into my brain and NO ONE can remove them. He existed, and that is that. I find that really comforting, and it's something I never expected to feel/happen. The second thing happened just the other day as I was walking. I realized deeply that I would not be here if it weren't for him, and that is a fact that no one can change.

I know these things don't take away the pain, but they do seem (at least for me) to make him irretrievably PERMANENT. He was, and that will never change.

Peace to you.

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Thank you all for your replies. I think it will take me a long while yet to come to terms with my Dad's death, but your responses have helped. 

I've lost my teacher, my guide, and my leader, the person who knew the answer to all life's hiccups. At times I feel at peace knowing that my Dad, as simply 'ashes in the ground,' never has to feel a painful or sad emotion again, and at other times, I still can't quite believe that some who loved life so much can no longer feel the happiness and joy life can bring. I find that so incredibly sad and heartbreaking. He wasn't by any means ready to go. I often still can't quite comprehend that he's gone. 

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Dear Augustgirl,

I also lost my mom suddenly in October. She was not ready to go, I feel too young to lose her already. While I deal with so many different emotions right now, one thing is also that I cannot process how she does not exist anymore. I am not religious (even though I would like to have faith). I guess it will probably take my lifetime to come to terms she is really gone. Or I maybe I will never reach the state of acceptance that she is gone. At the moment I believe it is maybe ok and she does not need to be considered completely gone. But it is so awful to sit there and think that probably the whole life lies ahead of me without her in it. It is so unfair. 

We have to be good to ourselves while grieving. Take care. 

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I totally can relate. I felt as if you wrote the question for me. The only difference is that I lost my father in November 4 weeks after des did a scam for cancer. I feel a mix of anger and sorrow, he was my best friend. I cried every day for weeks and now its almost every day but I awake in tears because I dream of him every night.  

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MollieMcDoodlesMom

Dear Augustgirl , 

I am so sorry about the passing of your dearly beloved father . My father died also , suddenly from what we learned was congestive heart failure . Even though it was many years ago , I miss him so much ! My mother died in 2015 and I am still mourning her death . 

The reason I decided to comment here is because you mentioned some things that I also agree with , in fact , it is even in agreement with the Bible . You mentioned that you feel a person who has died basically returned to the dust of the ground or ashes . The result of disobedience to God was foretold at Genesis 3:19 , " ... until you return to the ground , for out of it you were taken . For dust you are and to dust you will return . " Because Adam disobeyed God , he became sinful and passed on sin to his offspring . When Adam eventually died , it was just as God said . No part of Adam separated, no half returned to dust and the other part in another form . When humans die , they cease to exist , just as you said . 

The reason I feel confident in that thought is because of what is stated at Ecclesiastes 9:5,6 which states , " For the living know that they will die , but the dead know nothing at all , nor do they have any more reward, because all memory is forgotten . Also , their love and their hate and their jealousy have already perished, and they no longer have any share in what is done under the sun. " 

Did you know that Jesus himself said that death was like a deep sleep ? As we know , a person can be awakened from sleep , right ? Why did Jesus compare death to sleep ? If you would care to find out where that reference is , I'd be delighted to share it with you . 

Again, I am sincerely sorry for your loss . I hope you are comforted and have peace of mind and heart . 

Frances 

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I'm so sorry for all your loses. It really is true when people say that nothing can prepare you for the death of someone you love and the absolute, unnegotiable finality of it.

Comprehending that there's no solution, not even a minisucle one, to my Dad's death is more difficult than I knew possible. Rationally, I know nothing can bring him back to life, but comprehending that this is it, the absolute end, is beyond my grasp - that no matter what anyone says or does, in any way, shape or form will not change the fact that my Dad is dead and buried under several feet on soil and never, ever coming back. Even though I watched as my Dad's ashes were poured into the ground, I can't quite grasp that the grey dusty particles are literally the hands that my Dad held me with as a child, and that those particles are made up of his brain, the actual brain he used to think, feel and teach with. How can something so familiar to me, and something that did so much to help people, now be just dust?

 

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Dear  Augustgirl,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your cherished father. I'm so sorry. I can completely identify with everything you are saying. I too also lost my father last October. It is still a terrible shock. And you are right, how can we accept this? It just doesn't seem possible that someone that raised us and guided us is now in the ground. I'm with you. No matter what anyone says or how they try to frame his death for me, I just cannot accept it. I never understood the pain and sorrow till it happened to me. My dad's passing is the first major loss of my life. I know death is part of life, but I so badly wanted my dad to live to a 101, so I wouldn't have to face this new reality. I think all these questions we have is part of the journey of grief. In some ways, I guess I have to accept that there are no good answers and no acceptance, but that I must continue living. I do want to honor my dad by living a good life. By remembering him and visiting him at his grave site. I want him to know he raised a daughter that respected him and cherished him, even though I did not say it out loud while he was alive. I hope he knew.

 

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I lost my father a few weeks ago and have been thinking about this issue myself. While my dad was a Christian minister, I have a complicated, evolving idea of God which is pretty far from any organized religion.

I've been thinking these past few weeks in very scientific terms. Like you, I watched ashes be lowered into ground and have been trying to wrap my mind around that urn bring all that is physically left of the man who was my anchor from Day One. I have found comfort idea the scientific idea that energy doesn't disappear, it just changes form (like motion or light converting to heat). The combination of cells and energy that was my father was unique and is gone, and I am grieving that daily. But, the energy has not completely gone, it is continuing to shape the world in subtle ways, and less subtle ways. The latter include the ways that all those who knew my father, or yours, have been changed by knowing him. His colleagues' work for social justice which is fueled by decades of conversation with my dad; his friends' warmth and jokes that are informed by his friendship; the choices my brothers and I make because we were shaped by our father... All of those ways are ways he lives on and the effect of his life ripples outward even past his lifespan. 

And the more we share our memories, stories, and inspiration, the stronger we keep that energy alive.

 

I hope that helps you a bit, too.

 

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stephanieteresa
On 1/7/2017 at 4:28 AM, Augustgirl said:

First of all I am very sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. They say you shouldn't say that to someone because everyone's case is unique, but I "do" know how you feel as far as some of the things you mentioned. I too can't comprehend that my mother is gone forever. The concept doesn't register with me. I can't comprehend it nor understand it. I am miserable without her and depressed and very lonely. And like you, I am not religious so I don't believe I will see her in the 'afterlife". And like you, I wish I did believe in an afterlife but I just don't. And I am being honest. Losing my mother has been the most horrible thing in my life. She died in 2012 but it seems to have gotten worse and not better. As time unfolds I see how much I need her. And that's what I mean by getting worse. I am so sorry for you. I wish I could make things better for you. But I can't even make things better for myself. I have taken up meditation. I do it at home. It is a way of relaxing my body as I get so tense. But the meditation is by no means a cure all and there are days I don't even have the will or energy to do it. I only mention that because I have been seeking ways to cope with the stress I feel in my body from being so upset. I also joined the YMCA to use the pool and exercise facilities but I hate to go there as it is so family oriented and when I go, I am by myself. Please take care and know that even a stranger (me) can care about your feelings. Be well. I will think of you and hope good things happen to you.

 

 

 

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Augustgirl I agree with you 100% my mum died in December 2014 and I still am unable to comprehend I won't see her again. For me time is still not healed my loss but maybe 2 years is still a short time I don't know. I find it very difficult to change anything my mum knew about i couldn't change our TV because I knew my mum had watched it I'm unsure if this is a normal feeling but to me without my mum there is no normal. I do feel comfort here being with people who are going through the same and sharing feelings I wouldn't say to anyone else.

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It's coming up to the three month mark since my Dad's death, and although it is still early days, I'm no closer to comprehending that whatever remains of my Dad is literally buried under several feet of soil.

Similarly, at his funeral, I couldn't comprehend that in that dark, tiny space inside the wooden coffin was my Dad, so still and silent. As bizarre as it sounds, I couldn't help but think he'd be feeling claustraphobic and lonely in there. I sometimes have the same thought when I think about him buried under six feet of soil in the cemetery.

The past few months have been surreal. Almost as though it's someone else's Dad who has died and I'm watching from a far. 

The first month I was in such shock that I barely cried, not even at the funeral. At times I find it easy to put his death to the back of my mind as though it hasn't happened at all. I think this is part of still not being able to comprehend that he's gone forever and will never meet my future husband or his future grandkids.

I truly wonder how we are expected to live the rest of our lives without the most important person being there. It's a hugely overwhelming thought that I can only hope becomes easier to accept in time. 

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Hi Augustgirl, I am blown away by everything you have said because it is EXACTLY the same for me. Every single thought and feeling you have, I also have. What you said about this living, breathing person being reduced to a pile of dust and him being lonely in the coffin - I had the same thoughts. I lost my father nearly two years ago (it was a surprise he died when he did but not a shock as he was in bad health) and although I don't cry hysterically the way I did every day for the first year, I am still overcome with sadness on an almost daily basis and I am starting to think it will never go away even though I just want to get on with my life, stop being so nostalgic and living in the past.

Like you, I am not religious and do not believe I will ever see my dad again - an idea that devastates me - and absolutely nothing that anyone has said above or has said to me face to face can reconcile me with the fact he is gone forever and make me feel better. Some people have said that knowing their dad lives on through them helps them. Not me. I've been told he'll live on in my heart and head, as a way of making me feel better. But how can it?! I don't want his memory, I just want him, flesh and bone, in front of me! Perhaps I'm a negative person but none of the pieces of advice I've been given have helped in any way.

I can't offer any advice that will make you feel better but the one thing I will say is that time is a healer. I know it is a cliché but time is the only thing that will really ease your pain. Although I am still suffering, it is a lot better than it was in the first months after his death. I don't cry much anymore, not like in the beginning where I'd sob for hours. It is time that has done that for me, made it slightly easier to accept. I am hoping that in one, two, five years time, I will be able to think about him with happiness not sadness, and I do think that day will come one day. For me, there is really nothing else you can do except ride it out and wait for the pain to lessen. And it really will one day, however inconceivable that seems.

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Missing you always

Hello all,

My cherished mother passed away in September 2016.  I was extremely close to her, and stayed with her when her health started failing.  Even though her health was failing, she was extremely with it mentally until the very end. She loved reading biographies, watching all sports, politics, and cooking among other interests. While her mind was extremely sharp, her heart was failing.  It saddened me to watch her decline physically and at the same time be so mentally sharp.  She looked 20 years younger then she was, as all the doctors and nurses where we went commented on.  This was the absolute worse thing that could have happened to me , by far.  I also can not comprehend the fact that I wont see her again in this life. 

While I was never very religious, I did always believe in God.  Since this happened  I have more faith and have been going to church and learning more about the teachings.  I whole heartily believe in life after death for many reasons.  That is what the Christion religion teaches, that Jesus died for our sins, and those that believe in him will have eternal life.  Also I have read many books about people who have had near death experience, and even met someone that has.  All these people have similar experiences  that ensures me that they are real.  There are many thousands of people with these experiences, many of them doctors and scientists.  I have done A LOT of research on this. Some good books are: To Heaven and Back, by Mary Neal, Imagine Heaven, by John Burke, and God and the Afterlife, by Jeffery Long. 

           I also have had many signs from my mother that have comforted me.  I know it may sound “out there” to  a lot of people, you have to be opened minded enough to believe that there is more than what we can actually see.  And while I do still miss her terribly, this has all helped me knowing that she is okay and that she is with me. 

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Hello all,

I lost my Dad Oct 30, 2016.  I just joined this site as I am feeling very bad.  Thank you all for sharing, I too feel the same.  It is so hard to believe. I keep having dreams about him. I don't know how to cope. It is putting a strain on my relationships. I feel like half of myself is gone.

hope it gets better for us all

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Hi InADarkPlace,

Just wanted to say hello and I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I lost my dad suddenly in May and what you said about feeling like half of yourself is gone resonates with me. I'm sure it's different for everyone but the waves of grief for me are coming further and further apart, though not any less intense each time. I suppose that's a kind of getting better, though it feels so lonely without him. My dad was the only one who loved me for who I am. 

Wishing you peace.

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Thanks Ribbonfest.  I am sorry for your loss too. Wishing you peace as well and for you to find others who love you for who you are.

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On Saturday, January 21, 2017 at 1:38 AM, Ladybird1982 said:

Hi Augustgirl, I am blown away by everything you have said because it is EXACTLY the same for me. Every single thought and feeling you have, I also have. What you said about this living, breathing person being reduced to a pile of dust and him being lonely in the coffin - I had the same thoughts. I lost my father nearly two years ago (it was a surprise he died when he did but not a shock as he was in bad health) and although I don't cry hysterically the way I did every day for the first year, I am still overcome with sadness on an almost daily basis and I am starting to think it will never go away even though I just want to get on with my life, stop being so nostalgic and living in the past.

Like you, I am not religious and do not believe I will ever see my dad again - an idea that devastates me - and absolutely nothing that anyone has said above or has said to me face to face can reconcile me with the fact he is gone forever and make me feel better. Some people have said that knowing their dad lives on through them helps them. Not me. I've been told he'll live on in my heart and head, as a way of making me feel better. But how can it?! I don't want his memory, I just want him, flesh and bone, in front of me! Perhaps I'm a negative person but none of the pieces of advice I've been given have helped in any way.

I can't offer any advice that will make you feel better but the one thing I will say is that time is a healer. I know it is a cliché but time is the only thing that will really ease your pain. Although I am still suffering, it is a lot better than it was in the first months after his death. I don't cry much anymore, not like in the beginning where I'd sob for hours. It is time that has done that for me, made it slightly easier to accept. I am hoping that in one, two, five years time, I will be able to think about him with happiness not sadness, and I do think that day will come one day. For me, there is really nothing else you can do except ride it out and wait for the pain to lessen. And it really will one day, however inconceivable that seems.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, ladybird1982. I, too, have found little confort when people have told me that my Dad lives on through me. I also just want him to be here in the flesh where I can see him, speak to him, listen to his words of wisdom.

I cannot comprehend that he literally does not know of the world he lived in anymore. He has no conscious so he does not know me, or my Mum or any other family member anymore. He's not in his grave, or anywhere else, thinking about us and wondering what we're up to. He has no thoughts or memory of his life. He does not know anymore that I am his daughter. 

For me, this is so difficult to accept.  It's heartbreaking. The only comfort I find in this is that it is not for enternity, but only until I die when I also won't know life.

I really wish I believed in some form of life after death, that at some point we'll be reunited with the people we love most in the world, but I don't - I just don't. 

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Augustgirl, again, what you said is exactly how I feel. I desperately wish I believed in the afterlife as this might give me some comfort - knowing the separation is only temporary But for me, he disappered when he died and is not looking over me or seeing what becomes of me. He isn't anywhere at all because he and his soul and crazy personality and everything that made him him, went away the second he died.

So if we can't find comfort in a future heavenly reunion, we need to find a way to cope and live with never seeing our dads again. There isn't any solution to that problem except wait it out and talk to others about it. I can't talk to anyone and feel very alone in my grief, which is why I came on this forum. There is some comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in my sadness, that millions of people all over the world are grieving someone right now. I think the key is to try not to let it overwhelm you. There was a time when I thought I might be teetering on the edge of some sort of depression but that feeling has long gone so I know things must be getting better.

Please believe me when I say that it WILL get better for you, however hard it is to believe. You will probably always be left with a sadness but not the devastation you're feeling right now. Before I couldn't talk about him or even say the word "dad". Now I can laugh about things he did and said without feeling like crying every time. I found that I started to feel a lot better after the one year anniversary of his death. I know that's still quite a way off for you but use that as a goal - once you reach one year and get the first anniversary out of the way,I do think you'll start to feel better.

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Dear Ladybird,

Thank you for your comforting and inspirational words. I always wonder how people can survive such a traumatic loss. Moment by moment. Day by day. I'm still waiting. The mere thought of my father still brings me to tears.

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Hello Reader,

 

I am glad that what I am saying is useful in some way. I really felt the need to share my experiences and feelings on the matter, as someone who cannot be comforted with the idea of heaven, and the idea that dad lives on through me and in my thoughts etc, as that is no comfort to me at all, when all I want is him in front of me.

 

I don’t feel I can talk to anyone about this so being able to speak on this forum is therapeutic for me. Hearing how you and other people who have recently lost a parent are feeling makes me remember that I felt the same in the beginning and it shows me how far I’ve come. In the beginning I concentrated on small things on a day to day or hour by hour basis. A nice sunny day, a rendez-vous with a friend, my niece...They all helped to make me forget for a while or feel a bit better, if only temporarily, because there are such beautiful things in this world, even during our grief.

 

I still get upset about dad very often, practically every day actually, and would literally do anything to have just one more hour with him to tell him all the things I never did. I don't want to say that your experience is the same as mine because everyone deals with it and copes in different ways. But as long as you don't let it pull you under, it really does get easier.

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Dear Ladybird,

Thank you again for your words of support and encouragement. I will try hard to keep myself a float. I'm like you, thinking of my dad daily. And what I didn't say to him before he passed. Life is so unfair. I'm with you. I too just want my dad to be alive. Just one more day even. I wanted so badly for  him to have all us around him when he passed, but he died alone. I know I have to remember my dad's whole life and not that one single moment. But it is the one that is burned inside my mind right now. I take comfort in your words. And will try to find the beauty in every day life. And that time will give me some peace.  Thank you again for your reply.

 

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Jeccavargas707

I would recommend that you watch as many Near Death Experiences as you can from different cultures different parts of the world. I have gained a lot of peace from the stories. just type in NDEs n YouTube and watch a few...it will give u more facts to base what you consider to happen after death. Hope it helps good luck.

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Jeccavargas707

Hey I found something for u to either listen to or purchase the book and read it.  THIS IS SOMETHING I FOUND THAT HAS GIVEN ME SO MUCH PEACE.  I WANT TO SHARE IT WITH YOU.  I HOPE IT HELPS U COME TO SOME KIND OF UNDERSTANDING AND HOPE. I WILL POST THE FOLLOWING LINK.  PROMISE U WILL AT LEAST CHECK IT OUT.... SENDING LOVE AND PRAYERS TO U... 

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 I'm a newbie and came to this site to help me through my grieving. My Father passed on 9/11/16. I keep thinking it will get better and easier, and it has a little, but I'm STILL experiencing moments where I think I want to call him to share something or see him only to remember he is gone. And I feel like I can't accept the fact that I can't talk to him again. I just want one more time - one more chance to sit down and just talk to him. I fantasize about time travel and just going back in time for a bit so I can see him again.It's not like I have anything important to say - I just cannot accept in my heart I never WILL be able to talk to him or see him again. Though, in that sense I am different b/c I do believe there is something after this, I don't know WHAT, but I do not believe this, our lives on earth, is it. It's been comforting reading other's feelings and knowing I am not alone in wishing just for that "one more chance".

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Dear Benigirl,

I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your beloved dad. I can relate to so much of what you are writing about. So true. Just one more chance to talk to our loves ones is what I want too. Its been four months and I still don't feel its real. There are some good days, but you are right, the moments sneak up on me and I'm taken back to the day the doctor called to tell my dad had passed. Its too much to bear at times.

Thinking of you and your family through this difficult time. Sending you hugs.

 

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BeniGirl, I can relate to so much of what you've said. I, too, want to call my Dad to share news and then I remember that he's dead, and I can't. I think that because his death was so sudden, it is taking a while for the full enormity of it all to sink in. Yes, at his funeral I was well aware that he was dead inside the coffin in front of me,  but I still felt like I would see him again sometime later and we'd chat about his funeral and the people that came.

Even now, four months on, it still feels like he's alive sometimes, and we've just not had a chance to catch up in a while. I lived quite far from him when he died so I was used to not seeing him every single day. I've built another life where I am and as he wasn't part of my daily life here, life hasn't changed too much which makes it harder to comprehend that he's dead and not at home pottering around. 

How long has the death of a parent taken to truly sink in for other people?

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Augustgirl, I'm with you. Its been four months since my dad passed and I still don't want to accept he is gone. I was my dad's caregiver and saw every day for the most part. It hits me hard every time I come downstairs and expect to find him napping or watching TV. Or when I return home from work. I would call out Dad! But now there is no one there. It doesn't feel real.

How can I still be here and my dad is really gone? And the only place I can visit him is in the cemetery? I know its a fact that we all must die one day. But I was living in a bubble. I honestly thought that I could put off the pain of losing a parent forever! My parents would just live to 100. I don't know if it would have hurt any less if was someone in my 50s or 60s losing a parent. I don't know if it will ever sink in that my dad is really gone from this earth. It just doesn't feel real. And I keep asking why it had to happen.

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MissionBlue

Augustgirl, I had to reply, because your thoughts, feelings and reactions to your father's death mirror mine so perfectly.  You expressed it better than I can.   I also find no comfort when people say my father is with me in spirit.  We were practically clones in terms of our taste, interests and political views.  I know he is part of me, but I want to see him in the flesh, to see him smile, to hear him laugh and say those cute things that only we understood between ourselves.  And if there's a heaven, I want it to be like life on earth, where we can watch movies together, listen to beautiful music, eat delicious food, look for falling stars at night, talk about the good old days....   Everything like here, except the evil things people do to ruin the happiness of others.   I don't want reincarnation and have to go through more trials and sorrows.  I'd rather be ashes under the earth. 

I just watched "Jackie" (2016) which is a good film to watch when you're going through grief.  I am paraphrasing a quote from this film when I say that every soul on this planet wonders, "Is this all there is?"  If so, then why do we bother to get up in the morning?  Because God, in his infinite wisdom, has made sure it is just enough for us.

I agree with JeccaVargas707, that watching videos about Near Death Experiences can help you to keep an open mind about the possibility of life after death.

One of my favorites is an Interview with Clint Walker.  He seems like the kind of guy who wouldn't lie:

 

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My Dad died about five months ago now. When I look back I can't believe how quickly time has passed. Time hasn't yet started healing the hurt. For me, for the first two or three months I felt quite numb, like it wasn't my Dad who had died, but some other person and I was watching from a distance. It's started to sink in more now. 

At times I can feel quite at peace knowing that my Dad is not suffering. At other times I feel a depth of despair that I didn't know existed when I think that he's not doing something, somewhere. It distresses me because his not doing anything confirms that he has ceased to be. I could cope more easily with the fact that I will never see or speak with him again if I at least thought he was somewhere else - happy, living and breathing, even if I never got to see him again.

Every now and then I have this extreme depth of realisation of what death actually is. The enormity of never ever being able to speak or see my Dad again hits me like a ton of bricks. I can't breathe for a few seconds and I feel physically sick. It then washes over me and I'm calmer, and I tell myself I will get through this - billions of people before me have. 

I also find this length of time after my Dad's death to be difficult because so many people who have not lost a parent expect me to be over it. Friends don't ask how I'm doing anymore when it's actually harder now than it was two months ago, no one wants to talk about my Dad while I wish I could talk about him all the time. 

I truly never understood the depth of pain that losing a parent would cause until it happened.

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Untiltomorrow

I feel the exact same way and it's been 16 yrs.  Sometimes I just can not comprehend that It's forever, I remember her death like yesterday. Some pains seem to get harder as I realize more as an adult. 

I think of her every single day. Time flys by so fast I can't believe I've lived without her and she hasn't existed  in real life for 16 years .  at times, I get to the point where I feel like she was just a figment of my imagination, I miss her so much. I  fruitlessly bargain with the powers that be, What I wouldn't be willing to give for one more year, month, week, hour, etc. something. All the things I would ask, say or give for her. All the things I wish I knew then.  

I just don't know if I'll ever see her again. That kills my heart to this day, 

 

 

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Dear Augustgirl,

Thank you for expressing so well how we all feel. My dad also passed away 5 months ago. I am still struggling to understand my thoughts and feelings. I keep going back and forth. But I can't seem to accept anything. Reading your post made me very tearful because your last line mirrors mine. I did not know how much pain and sorrow I would feel till it happened to me. I tried to keep death at bay, but once my dad passed I had to face up to it. And I just don't want to.

Dear Untiltomorrow,

I'm sorry for the pain you feel. You are so right, time does fly by so quickly. Me too. I wish I knew for sure that some day, I would be able to see my dad restored to his former good health. Our whole family will be reunited in some form. Sometimes I don't know what to believe. Or what to tell myself so that I can move on. But there are still lots of tears. I tell myself a story but who knows if its true. I tell myself that my dad is in the spirit world fully restored to good health. He is enjoying his days like before having coffee and reading the paper. I would like to believe its really true.

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Dear Augustgirl, you described so perfectly my current feelings as well. 5 months on I still find it hard to believe mom doesn't exist anymore. It often seems she is somewhere doing something and we will meet again. And when I think in depth that it's over for good, I panick. One night I woke up and couldn't remember her cell phone number. 

Now I have usual dreams where we do normal stuff, it is so real that I am so upset when I wake up. I will never be able to process this finality. I want her back so badly, and you are right, it is worse than first months. I often think how much she missed. It is as if my life has been divided into two parts - one with mom and after her death. And at the moment everything is so painful that I cannot think of good memories. I don't feel like looking at the happy pictures. It seems that this cloud of death was hanging above us but we did not notice it. 

I feel it is wrong not to think in depth of mom's death. But I want so much to distract myself from it and just not think of it. 

 

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I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I am going through the same situation and your words are exactly how I am feeling. I lost my dad very suddenly just over a month ago and I am having a terrible time trying to accept that he is no longer here. I can't believe that he won't be here to walk me down the aisle in a few months or see his future grandchildren grow up. When I am at home, I just want to call him and ask him what he is doing and then I realize I can't and this wave of dispair rolls over me. I want to believe that I will see him again but I just can't bring myself to truly think that. They say that time heals all wounds but I can't imagine ever feeling whole again when a piece of my heart died with him. I hope with time I can think about him without crying.

 

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Untiltomorrow, I'm so sorry for your loss. 16 years is such a long time to have already spent without a loved one. I struggle to comprehend that I may live 60 years of my life without my Dad being physically in it. You said that sometimes the person you lost can feel like a figment of your imagination. It devestates me to know that this will likely happen to my memories of my Dad. It's only been five months and I worry already that I will begin to forget part of my Dad - the way he spoke, his mannerisms, his laugh, the advice he would give me. The pain now is heartbreaking, but at least the memories are still fresh. Do you have any advice to share on preserving memories?

 

Athina, I completely agree with what you said about life feeling as though it's divided into two parts - life when your Mom was alive and life when your Mom is dead. I think of all the milestones ahead of me - a first home, marriage, and children and I get a physical ache in my chest when I think that my Dad will not only not be there for any of it, but he will never even know that these things have happened. I know that if he was alive he would be proud of me, but he's not alive, so he doesn't have those feelings of pride. I find the knowledge that my Dad can never actually be proud of anything I do very hard. Achieving goals seems so much harder without the biggest cheerleader in your life having faith in you. 

 

You also mention too, Athina, that you can't bear looking at photos of happy times with your Mom. I feel the same way when looking at photos of my Dad. I'm still too focused on his death and his last few days alive to find comfort in happy memories. I even feel a sense of guilt for leaving my Dad's dead body in the hospital. I feel like we abandoned him as though we didn't care for him. In my mind, he felt completely alone lying dead in the hospital, unloved, and hurt that his family would just leave him behind. Rationally, I know that this is a ridiculous thought, but it's one of a few irrational feelings I've had since my Dad's death that I expect is part of the grieving process. 

 

 

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On 1/7/2017 at 6:44 PM, Ribbonfest said:

Hi Augustgirl,

My dad died suddenly in May from a fall and brain injury.

I have a couple of non-spriritual things that have helped me deal with the loss of him recently. One is the realization that no one can ever take away the fact that he was my dad, he existed, my memories are real, and there's nothing anyone can ever do to change it. That to me made him permanent. When Christmas came I thought I'd never, ever be able to handle it, and I'd end up in a padded cell with a strait jacket or dead. No...what happened was memories of him and past Christmases, and how they are seared into my brain and NO ONE can remove them. He existed, and that is that. I find that really comforting, and it's something I never expected to feel/happen. The second thing happened just the other day as I was walking. I realized deeply that I would not be here if it weren't for him, and that is a fact that no one can change.

I know these things don't take away the pain, but they do seem (at least for me) to make him irretrievably PERMANENT. He was, and that will never change.

Peace to you.ncn

I was so sad to hear about your dad. I lost my dad 3 weeks ago and had no idea how hard this would be. I never lost anyone this close to me before. I was also surprised to read what Ribbonfest said because I lost my dad the EXACT same way. On September 22nd he fell face down on the ground outside his house when I was talking to my mom on the phone. I heard her scream when she saw that he was lying on the ground unconscious. She asked me to come over. I knew I wouldn't be able to help but I would go anyway after I called 9-1-1. I distinctly remember feeling chilled to the core even though it was hot outside as I was driving over to her house. I can still see the paramedics and cops hovering over him in my mind and his face especially was all bloody. He was awake then. It was pure torture to see him like that. The paramedics let my mom and I go in their car as we followed the ambulance to the Trauma Center. It felt like forever before I was allowed to see him. They would only let one person go back to see him and since my mom has trouble walking I went. I saw him lying on a gurney alone, ignored but alert. He smiled when he saw me and said his usual, "HEYYYY KID!" I didn't know what to say or do. I asked him (stupid question) if he was in any pain and he weakly said yes He slowly turned to me and I saw his eyes slowly turning into black eyes and swelling. A tear rolled down his face and then I really felt helpless and depressed seeing him that way. I told him my mom would be there to see him when they could get a wheelchair for her. He told me he didn't understand what I was saying. No matter how many times I said it he still looked confused. He was in the exam room for a while before the Trauma doc even came to see him. They did a CAT scan and said they would do another one in 4 hours to see if it had gotten any worse. I'm not a doctor but I don't know how they thought it could get any tbetter since he was on blood thinners. The E.R. was very busy that night. After the 2nd CAT scan they told us he needed brain surgery immediately or he would die so we agreed to that. He survived the brain surgery but was in a coma for 1 week and on life support before he would open his eyes. They told us he had a fractured wrist and had a fracture under his eye. I still felt hopeful that he would recover because he could move his feet when they asked him to and give the thumbs up. After 10 days of this they told us he could breathe on his own but he lacks the drive to do that. They said he was depressed. He had an Advance Directive that said he didn't want to be on life support. He was 83, had end stage prostate cancer, bone cancer and dementia. My mom finally agreed to let them take him off of life support and he seemed to be doing ok but the hospital called us the next day and told us that he died. I felt like I had plenty of time to prepare myself for this because he fought cancer for 2 years and was sent to the ER 3 times with delirium that was caused by a UTI. It felt like a dress rehearsal for this. Nothing can prepare you for the loss of a parent. I can't comprehend it. I still keep thinking I will see him again even though I know I won't. He didn't look like himself when he was in the hospital because he didn't have his glasses on, he looked beat up, his head was half shaved for the surgery, he was very jaundice and he looked so weak, frail and thin so I still hope that this is all just a bad dream. I can't believe he's really gone forever and nothing can be done about that. I'm still having flashbacks about everything that happened from the time that my mom told me he fell until I saw him dead in the hospital bed. Now every time I go to my mom's house I feel like I'm going to cry whenever I see that spot where he fell. I have crying spells every day for one reason or another. I feel like I will never heal from this trauma. :(

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I am struggling with this too.

I lost my dad over a year ago. I thought it would get better. There are week I don't cry. Then, there are weeks where it's as fresh as if he just passed away. I still feel anger and sadness. I still can't comprehend that he is gone. Sometimes, it feels like he just went away on a long vacation. As if I could just call him and chat... but I know that isn't true at all. 

He loved life. He was always happy. He was so young... 56... healthy.. there were no signs that his heart would suddenly stop one day. My dad shaped me into who I am. I know I am the product of my father from my laugh, my humor, the way our bottom teeth are crooked, the way we passionately cheered for our favorite football team... I see so much of him in myself. I was always proud of that, and now that he is gone, I cherish it even more.

I was doing fine until Thanksgiving. I sat across from my boyfriends 90 year old grandfather and thought about what my dad would have looked life if he had made it to 90. We always hope for our loved ones to live long happy lives, but it's never promised. I cried in the bathroom at my boyfriends family thanksgiving because I will never see my dad in his old age. I only got to see him grow to be 56 and in a blink of an eye he is gone. I am 26. I am half his age. I can't imagine even reaching 56 at this point. It makes me terrified of my own mortality.

I sometimes curse at the sky because I wish he had told me how hard it was to lose a parent. I remember nights he would lock himself in his room after my grandfather died and would cry. He never wanted us to see his grief, but part of me wishes I could have spoke with him about how to handle myself when his time came. I guess we just never expected it.

In all the sadness and grief and rage I feel,  I find comfort in that I hold onto SO many happy memories with him, and like someone said, that can NEVER be taken from me. It can never be replaced. He is my only dad. He is the only father I ever needed. I love him with all my heart. So much, I want to tell everyone I know everything about him. 

I'm scared to live another 10, 20, 30 years or more without him. But I know he would want me to live my life to it's fullest. I believe we are given one chance to live. I want to cherish every day and if today was my last day, I want to leave it with as much love as he did.

God bless you all. Believer or not, I pray for everyone who feels grief. I don't always believe in God, but I do my best to.

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My dad suddenly passed away in august and I feel so much of what you are feeling right now, because I just cannot comprehend that he is gone. I feel like the past few months have been a blur and in trying to support my mom and my sister(who suffers from depression and anxiety), I just was not able to mourn. I stayed with them till November, always trying to be strong and not shedding any tears, and now I feel like the flood gates won't close. I miss him so much. And he left so suddenly. I talked to him a day before through video call, and he was so happy and smiling, teasing me as he always did, drinking tea and making plans to visit all the places he wanted to see. And then I got the call that he was gone. I live in another country and I could not even make it to his cremation on time. It kills me somehow that I could not even hold his hand one last time. he didn't even tell anyone that he had not been feeling well. I wish he had. Or I wish I had had the sense to ask. But I was too caught up in my newly married bliss. I hate myself for that. Now I feel that some part of me has gone with him. Wherever he is. I do believe that there is a soul. And when one dies the soul escapes. But I wonder where it escapes to. Does it come and be with those that mourn for it? I just don't feel his presence anywhere at all. And the moment he died..I was unaware in another country. I felt nothing. I was out shopping that time. And I hate myself for it.

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I have depression and anxiety and my psychiatrist just diagnosed me with PTSD because I still have constant flashbacks about seeing my dad lying on the ground all bloody. I still keep thinking I will see my dad whenever I go to my parents' house. Sometimes I see people that look like him and I really wish it was him. He didn't look like himself when he was in the hospital so that makes it even harder for me to accept that it really was him who I saw on the day that he died. I still cry every day. Several times a day. Imadaughter I hope you can stop feeling guilty for being happily married, shopping and living your life. I believe what you say about the soul too. I keep wishing I could feel his presence. Since he died in an unfamiliar hospital I wonder if he could find his way back to us. I did think I felt his presence one time but I haven't lately. I wish we knew for sure with hard evidence what happens to the soul after the body dies. I hate that it has to be a mystery. I keep wondering what is the point for that and why are we even here to begin with.

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Lost my dad suddenly 2 weeks ago just a few days after spending two weeks with him over the new year. Though he wasn’t too well no one thought he would go so suddenly and it really hit me hard. Doesn’t matter that he was almost 85 or that I’m almost 55…. He is someone who’s been there every day since i can remember 

and now he’s not 

And it makes me feel totally lost and abandoned 

so much left to talk and laugh about, Dad

It helps to read that he lives through me… now i can hug myself at night and feel his presence and not feel so alone

thank you for reminding me i will always be his legacy

thank you

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The loss of our loved ones is so life changing it is difficult to reconcile.  I've lost my father, brother and mother. My moms death in 2019 hit me especially hard. 

I stumbled upon a video on YouTube called "The Near Death Experience of Jeffrey Olsen." It was profound and it helped me so much in my grief journey. I began to read and watch everything I could on the subject including Dr. Eben Alexander's book Proof of Heaven. He is a Harvard educated Neuro Surgeon who had an NDE while clinically brain dead. 

It changed him completely and his focus has shifted to the study of human consciousness. These experiences are across all cultures and ethnicities. Dr. Bruce Greyson is another physician who has studied this subject extensively over his long career. His first experience was of a patient who had attempted suicide. While she was unconscious, the doctor went to the waiting room to talk to the roommate of the woman. When she awoke she told the doctor she was right there as he spoke to her roommate, recalled their conversation verbatim, described the roommate's attire etc. 

This was the beginning of his career into Near Death Studies and it has nothing to do with the neurons firing at the end of life and random tunnels appearing and all of that nonsense. Why would we all have the same 'hallucination'? Be told it wasnt our time? Shown a life review and the lessons learned from it? Most or almost all are changed profoundly by their experience and are compelled to live a more altruistic, compassionate and giving life. Dr. Eben Alexander's book goes into more detail. 

These are the things that pulled me from the depths of despair as I grieved and still continue to grieve. I don't just believe in things unless there is some type of evidence to back it up. I believe the people in the case studies, interviews and books. I believe that consciousness is not manufactured by the brain and it does survive physical death. 

I know this post is long but if I can help anyone along in their journey, that would make me happy. You don't have to believe, but you can start with hope. 

 

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Hello I lost My Dad suddenly end of august 2022 his heart just stopped and that was it . It’s my first Christmas without him I have found run up and build up to Christmas when I was out doing Xmas shopping was very hard on me -I was very tearful and moody and very depressed. But feeling a little better today . I never thought I would lose dad just yet. I cannot think of Dad as ashes in cemetery. 

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Hi Dear Jannypot,

I am truly feeling your pain and I am so sorry. The first Christmas  that goes by after losing your loved person is so, so hard. My Dad loved Christmas, it was his thing. I should be honouring him by doing something special that he loved, but I just couldn't this year. And my Dad has been gone for years. 

Just know that you are not alone in your loss and I'm sending you loving thougts. 

Peace to you Xo

Traz

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I am so sorry. I can totally relate to your words.

on January 7th. My dad passed away, and i didn't see him for 22 years... Of course we were calling, skyping..but i didn't get to hold him, to spend time with him, to comfort him as he was dying from a brain tumor.

And as you are, i don't believe i 'll see him ever again. He's gone, not only his body, but also his soul,spirit, consciousness, what made him..gone.

not even when i die myself.

I lost many people, but it is the first time i see it that way. feel it that way. maybe because the pain is too strong.

Of course guilt hits as well, i was too busy caring for my demanding mother to see my dad was suffering. He never complained. 

Would it be easier to accept if i had the chance to see him again?

I don't think this pain will ever go away, it hurts in my heart, like a sharp knife each time i think of the dream i had of our reunion...

like my skin is ripped off from this embrace that will never happen. 

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SeptemberChild

I recently lost my father this past Saturday, the thought of never having the chance to spend time with him again is absolutely heartbreaking. We were supposed to travel together sometime this year out of country and the chance is forever lost. I'm not really religious but  I can only hope that in some way I can see him again. My thoughts and condolences go out to whoever reads this. You're not alone, I promise.

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