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Still grieving my losses.

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This is the first time I have ever dared to say everything I've ever felt. 

The loss of my grandmothers happened a long time agof, but because I didn't grieve correctly or I kept my feelings in I feel damaged. 

My maternal grandmother passed away when in a January when I was 9. I barely knew her, and I only remember seeing her a couple of times in my life. Once when I was a toddler (I think it's one of my first memories), and another one was when she was deathly ill on her bed.

And the last time I saw her we were in Mexico, my grandma's birthplace. And, unfortunately, my family didn't have the money to be able to go to Mexico whenever we wanted to. So, I barely had a chance to see her. And, this where I blame myself. I didn't take advantage of the opportunity to be able to interact with her or talk with her. I never told her that I loved her. And, I hate that. But stupid 8/9 year old me didn't want to get to know her or go visit her at her house. It felt dark and gloomy and I barely knew her. I knew she was my grandma because that's what I was told but she felt like a stranger.

The last time I saw her she gave a couple of pesos when she was on her ill. But I didn't want to take it I felt horrible and selfish. I thought to myself why would she give me 5 pesos when she could and should use it for medicine so she could get better. But reluctantly took it after my grandfather repeatedly told me to take it.

And, that was the last time I saw her before she passed away. I remember that I cried when I found out,but I didn't want to because I felt like I had to be strong for my mom. I thought it was wrong of me to cry when it was my mom's mom who passed away. I thought it was selfish to cry when my mom was in more pain than me. My mother and I went back to Mexico for the funeral. And again I cried but not too much because I felt like I had to be strong for my mom and aunts, uncles, and my grandad.

And then in February or early March of that year an uncle that I met only once passed away. I cried, but not too much because I barely knew him. The only time I met him he was on his bed, also ill. And, he also gave me like 5 or 10 pesos. And, that's why I will never receive money from someone who is deathly ill who is on their death bed. I just can't.

Grandma #2: I was in the 10th grade when she passed. 

I was closer to this grandma. her visa allowed her to travel to the US more often which allowed me to get to know her better. And, I loved and still love her. I remember visiting her and hanging out at her house when we had the chance to go to Mexico.  But then 8 years passed since the last time I had seen her when we found out that she was very ill. She had stomach cancer, and the doctors said that it didn't look good. 

I had kind of learned my lesson when my first grandmother passed. On my last phone conversation with her I told her I loved her. And it was the first and last time I ever told her. But at least I told her. My dad and uncle went to Mexico to see her because they suspected that it would be the last time they would ever see her. She also wanted to see my dad it was one of her last requests.

And, I begged my dad to take me with them I wanted to go I wanted to see her one last time but I couldn't go. I had school and I doubt we could have afforded another plane ticket.

My dad stayed over there for a week. The moment he and my uncle landed back in the US, we got a call that my grandma passed away. (She waited to pass to make sure her sons made it safely, at least that's what we tell ourselves. Moms always watching out for us). 

This was the hardest pain I dealt with. I felt my heart hurt. My chest was in literal pain. And I felt like I couldn't breathe,I felt weak. It was my very first panic attack. I cried out of sadness because she was gone. I cried out anger and frustration because I couldn't see her one last time. And the latest phone call with her I told her that once December comes my entire family would go see her, and we were going to do that. 

I again felt like I had to be brave for my younger siblings my mom and my dad. I cried more than the last time my grandmother or uncle passed away, but I didn't grieve enough. I felt like I couldn't cry too much because  if I did it would make my dad feel more sad than he did. I didn't want to cause more pain. Not to him or my siblings or mom or my cousins.

And I feel that since I didn't grieve how I was supposed to, I am not fully healed. It's been 7 years since she has been gone. I remember that the first 2 years I would get anxiety attacks every couple of months. Different things would make chest hurt and my throat feel like it was being closed. 

And, now my anxiety was triggered for the first time in 5 years. My fiancé's uncle who I have never met passed away. My future mother-in-law told me that her brother had just passed away today in the morning. I fought nauseous feeling and putility it behind me. 

And, my fiancé is telling me that he feels terrible because he was close to him and he regrets not calling his uncle. And, now I'm crying. I feel terrible because i dont know what to do for him. I'm crying because I feel his pain. I understand it and I understand his regret. I'm crying and trying to fight off my anxiety. My head hurts, I'm nauseous, and my throat feels like it's closing on me. I feel like I can't breathe, but the funny thing is that it's helping me grieve my losses. 

Thank you for listening to me. 

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Dear Oyuky,

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. Loss is always very hard. Allow yourself to cry as much as you want. Surround yourself with caring friends and family. Thinking of you.

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