Members Ravinder Posted January 7, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 Just signed up having lost my beloved wife Balbir on 29th November 2016. Finding it hard to cope without her and suffering from depression, heavy heart and constant headaches mainly because of my grief which I share with our three teenagers. She was was a cancerian by birth, born during that infamous flowers power year of 1967. Kind, courtious,warm hearted always polite without saying a bad word to anyone. A small red haired petite lady lovely looks which she hated if I said that to her with genuine warmth for others. We feel cheated and angry with her loss as it was unexpected just 4 weeks short of Christmas, loved celebrating. Our 23 years of living and caring for each other in sickness and health ended that day. I will meet up with her soon as that was the last thing I said to her. After having surgery lasting for ten hours which would have healed In due course she passed away because of sepsis. She never woke up . Ravinder Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Emeliza Posted January 7, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 I am so sorry for your loss. It is a brutal life and I know this is not a group you would have ever wanted to joined, but this is a good place to let out your anguish as all of us have lost our love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bev Posted January 7, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 I am so sorry you have cause to join this list. Please write as much and as often as it is helpful to you, and read what others have written because while each grief is unique, there are markers along this journey that others can share with you so you don't feel lost along the way. My loss is also fresh and all I can say is I understand your pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Posted January 7, 2017 Guests Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 Hello Ravinder. I "know" your story from the Sue Ryder online community as I too am a member so I have read all your posts. Sorry for your loss is just not enough but I do truly empathise. I lost my Husband 6th 0ctober. Like you, I am now deeply depressed. Everything is black and I don't have enough strength to cope and I am getting worse all the time. Your wife Balbir would be so touched by the lovely words with which you describe her. It is so hard to grieve but especially so I guess when you have teenagers to look out for. You will also be grieving for them for their loss as well I imagine. If I knew some words of comfort I would tell both you and myself but I dont sadly. I wish I did. Have you come across Blueline on the Sue Ryder community? He is about the same age I am guessing as you and lost his partner. He has posted many times of his anguish and it may help to private message him. I wish I could say something more positive. Try to sleep, keep warm and eat a little, even if you don't feel able to. I wish you and your girls peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 7, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 Ravinder, I am so sorry you lost your Balbir. It's the hardest thing in the world to lose your spouse. I know it's hard to see it right now, but the intensity of this grief will lessen and our grief journey evolves, it doesn't stay the same. You will always love and miss her, that part does not change, but eventually we get better at coping and adjusting. I won't kid you, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I've learned more on this journey than I can pen. It's been over 11 years for me, and I remember in the early days, I did not want to live, I did not see how it could be possible to go on without him, he was everything to me! One day at a time. That's the key. Try not to look at "the rest of your life" which is too much, too overwhelming. Stay in today. Look for whatever good there is and embrace it, no matter how small. That has helped me. I wish you peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ravinder Posted January 8, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted January 8, 2017 TLW19. I guess suffering is my way of trying to turn the clock back and wish I could have changed or done something to have her back again in my company. Just so frustrating not having the time to share her thoughts regarding her upcoming heart surgery, begged Bal to take time out and chat over a meal. Unfortunately it never got that far as she collapsed at home on the 19th November and left me alone including our kids, ten days later. Bal was a very private person and protected myself by not letting me worry about circumstances what ever. Now I sit alone in a big empty house contemplating my worries and future together with the children. As for my remarks about her I'm sure she would give a ticking off for my kindness. My heart's broken all I do is remember, reminisce the good times. Enduring that pain is indescribable and inconsolable, too many share that burdon and only they understand individual grief. Ravinder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Posted January 8, 2017 Guests Report Share Posted January 8, 2017 Hello again Ravinder I share your sentiments about you suffering as a means of trying to turn back the clock. I can imagine you are dwelling on events leading up to Balbir being taken from you as I do with my Husband. So I truly recognise how absolutely distressed you are feeling although I know this is hardly any consolation. It's like an earthquake that has happened deep within your heart, soul, mind and spirit. There are the unanswerable and unanswered questions and the what ifs and if onlys and it truly does hurt. Your last paragraph sums everything up perfectly. I can tell you are a sensitive soul and I send you my heartfelt warmest regards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted January 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 8, 2017 Ravinder, No adequate words to convey my condolences. We are all having the same feelings, thoughts, emotions. The loss of our loved one's physical presence and all they represented in our lives is indescribable. Balbir will always love you and your children. She, herself, her soul that made up who she was, her love, lives on. She will always be with you and your children. You will carry her in your hearts for eternity. Love never dies. It cannot be taken away from us. Ravinder, Take care of yourself and your children for Balbir. We have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking one day at a time. it will be hard, the hardest thing we will ever do. We are not given a choice, the mind has a will of its own for survival and somehow we do that. It will take a very long time with effort and hard grief work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted January 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2017 Ravinder What a lovely name, Balbir, and from what you wrote about her, she must have been a lovely person. Losing a love one is very difficult, but losing a soul mate can be even more challenging. We all on his website can tell you that. I imagine you have struggled with shock, disbelief, anger, and hurt (to name a few), - we all have. Just knowing what the two of you had will always be (it's in the atmosphere) - nothing and no one can ever change that. Your Balbir is still here; she is in spirit form. You can't see her because you are still in the earthly form. So mourn her, love her, and make her proud - be the father she knew you to be. She's entrusting you to take care of your children and you must not let her down - I know you won't. When your work on this earth is finished, your spirit too will return to God and guess who will be awaiting your return - your lovely Balbir. That will be a awesome moment. My prayer is that you find the peace, strength and love through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. God Bless! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4Hdad Posted January 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2017 Hi Ravinder, I am very sorry for your loss; I too lost my wife unexpectedly in late August. You say you've got a heavy heart and, brother, I know that feeling. Before I lost my wife, I thought it was only an expression, but it's a real thing. On that day I felt my heart literally sink in my chest. I'd never experienced it before but now I know this hopeless feeling all too well. Some days it seems like there is still a future left to strive for, and there are still milestones to be met and overcome, even if we have to do it alone. I say alone only because it feels that way without our loved one to join us, to sometimes guide us, and yet in reality we are not alone in this. We've got our kids to care for, and they for us. Also, I listen for my wife's voice all the time. Not in a spiritual or metaphysical sense, but in my mind, I listen for what she would say whenever I'm having a difficult time. With the kids, with anything challenging really, I listen for what she would have to say about whatever it is. She always had a better head for life than I did. So, in a sense, she's still helping to guide me. On other days, all I feel is loss, and on those days I can easily get caught up in how unfair a place the world really is. On those days all I feel is anger and contempt, not for the world, uncaring as it is, but for anyone who tries to placate me. Everyone deals with grief differently, they say, and for me, no platitude can overcome this loss - because it's real. But those days, too, pass and are replaced. I do a pretty good job of pretending to have adjusted to this, but really I am as sad and disheartened every new day as I was that morning. Every single day, I wake up and the first thing I realize is that she's gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted February 25, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted February 25, 2017 Ravinder, Your precious Balbir sounds like a fantastic woman. She was born only a few months after my wife, and I think they must have shared the same subdued yet fiery personalities. Your loss, and the loss your children are suffering cannot be helped by words, but I am so sorry for all of you. I know the struggle of trying to help young adults cope with the grief, while being grief stricken yourself. It immediately forces you into a protector role instead of caring for yourself. I know you will take care of the blessings that are your children, but hope you take time for yourself as well. In order to care for others, we must first care for ourselves. Further your children are learning to grieve through your example, as our children always learn such life lessons. Allow yourself to show them the grief you know they are feeling, which is good advice for me as well. Remember fondly your loved and lost. Allow yourself your individual grief, but try to share what you can. I cannot make my daughters whole, nothing can, but if they want, we can be broken together and in time find out how to patch one another. Thank you for sharing, and for giving me another angle to view this complex problem from. I hope you find some rest from the sweet suffering of trying to turn back a clock that never should have stopped. But time marches forward, and we must march with it, and eventually we will find our stride. Peace and comfort to you and your children, Herc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Zara19 Posted February 26, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 26, 2017 Hello Ravinder, I hope you are doing ok. Warmest regards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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