Loss of my aunt, feelings of guilt

[batosaims]

Hello, I'm 30 and My aunt (moms older sister) fell ill 2 days ago due to a heart attack and a severe stroke. She was like a second mom to me and my own mom passed away in 2010 of cancer. My aunt is 65

For the past 6 years (since early 2011) my aunt had lived with me in my 2 bedroom townhouse. I'm a single guy and it was convinient to have her around to do things like cook and clean.

The problem is she was always a mass hoarder, My own mom was a hoarder too, and my aunts hoarding got so bad that aside from my own room, the entire house is a mess and the kitchen often smelled bad because of rotten food and her own cooking, she's Pakistani so her food that she cooked often stinked up the house

She was also partially blind in one eye and was on SSI Disabiity and food stamps, she had bad knees and overall was never really in good health.

I had told her for years to go see a doctor due to her knees and other conditions but she had refused as she hates doctors and hospitals

Throughout the past 6 years, we fought a lot. She has 3 brothers here and none of them took care of her, I felt that the burden was put on me to take care of her, I could never have my own life, have friends over and have a nice clean place to live.

For years I had tried to force her out and to go live with one of her brothers, of course none of their wives wanted her to live with them either. My aunt would always guilt trip me, talk about how she was with me when I was young and I would always lay off telling her to get out

This let to me having a lot of out burst, cursing her out, slamming and throwing things and even being a flat out bully sometimes. I never touched or hit her but I wanted to a few times just out of pure frustration

Even though my aunt had a poor lifestyle. She was always sleep deprived and never had consistent sleeping habits, lived like a pig, didn't have the best diet, refused to see a doctor for check ups.

I can't help but feel that I'm partially responsible due to all the yelling and arguments over the past 6 years, that I stressed her out too much.

According to the doctors, she's had high blood sugar for quite some times and she even had a minor stroke previously. It was only this past Wed morning on the 4th of Jan that I had found her on the bathroom floor nearly passed out.

My friend and I had spend an hour trying to get her up into her room. I had asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital and she said no. We laid her on her bed and I assumed she'd sleep it off.

From what I understand, the sooner stroke victims get medical help the better chance they have. Between the time that I had found her and the time that I finally called 9/11, it was about 20 hours.

Perhaps if I had called an ambulance as soon as I found her, it might of turned out differently.

The worst part is though, that when I had found her lying down, I felt that this was the best opportunity to get her out of the house and put her into a nursing home or somewhere else.

I feel that I was being selfish as that was the first thing on my mind. Even later that day, Wed afternoon, I was yelling at my aunt telling her to go to the hospital.

Yesterday (Thursday Night) I had a few minutes alone with her, she was heavily sedated and on a breathing machine. I couldn't help but sob and tell her how sorry I was for everything.

I've wanted to have my own life, my own place, I finally got but of course never wanted it like this. I always tried to make my Aunt comfortable, I voluntary gave her the big room in my house and let her have the rest of the house.

I just can't help but think about all the arguments,all of the times I yelled and cursed at her. I don't think I've ever felt this much guilt in my life, just knowing how we left things as well makes it even harder.

[reader]

Dear batosaims,

I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your aunt.  I know you loved your aunt and regret what happened. Sometimes when we are living with someone day in and day out, we just start accept everything and never think that anything could be wrong. And sometimes we just don't know what to do to help someone. You did the best you could with what you knew.  I know you never meant to hurt your aunt. You had a lot to deal with for such a young person and did not receive any family support. I'm sure you did feel trapped and very frustrated at times. You could not have predicted her stroke or heart attack. There are no words at such a difficult time. Thinking of you.