Bev

Milestone Achieved!

11 posts in this topic

I started today with the success of having taken a shower in the morning and a couple other small victories including sharing on this site. I had actual face to face contact and conversation with one of my neighbor friends, and I had to go to the store to get dog food, so I went ahead and got some other necessities since I was out anyway. I went to a couple other stores and time went by. I spoke with a couple clerks I regularly see. 

My sweet sister did me the huge favor of going with me to the places I frequent most a couple weeks ago so she could be there for me when I had to tell the people I usually talk to the sad change in my life. That made it so much easier to go out on my own. Today at the bank, one of the tellers who knew us both and knew Jack had been in the hospital innocently asked how he was doing, and I even got through that situation only getting misty-eyed and I was able to continue on my errands.

After some down time at home, I finally faced my goal of changing the sheets. One of my favorite simple pleasures is the feel and smell of crisp, clean sheets. Jack had the concept of "radical comfort" as a life philosophy and that showed itself most markedly in our bedroom. From years of working night shifts, I had discovered the joys of a sound machine making the gentle sound of waves to drown out little noises. Jack added to that a pillow top mattress with a featherbed on top of that. Finally over that we added a sheepskin mattress cover and crisp cotton sheets. We tried silk sheets at one time, but we both preferred the crispness of cotton for sleeping. Silk tends to cling and makes rolling over a bit more challenging, as does flannel. We never had a television or other worldly intrusion into our bedroom haven. Light blocking curtains complete the setup so we could sleep comfortably no matter how late we stayed up.

I put a different bedspread on the bed so the new addition of the dogs to the bed wouldn't ruin the special covers we had. Tonight the dogs and I will see how these changes work for us. We will be going to bed earlier than I used to so I can avoid the loneliest time for me. I didn't nap today so I will be tired enough to go to bed and at least I will read if I can't sleep. I would welcome being able to cry...

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That's a good milestone B.  

My husband passed Tuesday, November 8th.  It's so difficult.  Our youngest son is 10 years old, and his grief is enormous.

I only leave the house out of pure necessity.  I feel safer and less exposed in our home  I'm just not ready to engage others yet.  

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That is huge.  Good job.

The first time I had to go grocery shopping I had a slight melt down over buying salt.  My husband was the house cook and grocery shopper and I didn't know what kind of salt to get.  Stupid really, but it just hit me staring at all the salt.  He had been a stay at home dad the first few years we were married and he liked to cook and coupon and I don't.  We were sort of the reverse of the norm in lots of ways.  

I am so glad you were able to accomplish so much.  That is great.  And if you can't do it every time, don't worry too much.

I sincerely hope you were able to get sleep.

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7 hours ago, necho777 said:

I only leave the house out of pure necessity.  I feel safer and less exposed in our home  I'm just not ready to engage others yet.  

I understand what you are saying about feeling exposed. All emotional defenses seem stripped away leaving raw emotion on the surface. 

I hope you and your children can find your way to a greater closeness through this terrible pain. I admire that you are able to be aware of your children's emotional states when you are going through so much yourself. 

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10 minutes ago, Emeliza said:

That is huge.  Good job.

The first time I had to go grocery shopping I had a slight melt down over buying salt.  My husband was the house cook and grocery shopper and I didn't know what kind of salt to get.  Stupid really, but it just hit me staring at all the salt.  He had been a stay at home dad the first few years we were married and he liked to cook and coupon and I don't.  We were sort of the reverse of the norm in lots of ways.  

I am so glad you were able to accomplish so much.  That is great.  And if you can't do it every time, don't worry too much.

I sincerely hope you were able to get sleep.

I was able to sleep after a while. The dogs have me on a new sleep schedule which is helpful with early morning rising and a much earlier bedtime. That isn't natural for me, but it makes sure I am pretty tired when I go to bed. It also helps me avoid my favorite "together time" which has now turned into "bereft time." The dogs keep me engaged with life and it was their need for dog food that forced me out of the house yesterday and got the positive cycle going. I hope they can do some similar magic today...

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10 hours ago, necho777 said:

My husband passed Tuesday, November 8th.

necho,

I'm sorry for your loss. :(  I'm glad you've found your way here, it does help to know you are not alone and that there's others that understand what you're going through.  I hope you have a grief counselor for you and your kids.  Do you have a job to go to or are you home all the time?

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Bev,

I'm so happy for your milestone - what great progress you've made.  I too have tried to venture out of my cocoon (if you will) and found it difficult to do.  Just yesterday, I tried going to the grocery store, (something my husband and I always did together) and it was not good.  So many reminders - I broke down. Tried going to church last week,- broke down again.   It's so hard for me, because I'm constantly thinking of him.  Knowing how my husband was, he would want me to try - and try again I will. I can't say I'm totally milestone free, I can look at some pictures and actually laugh at the way he's portrayed in them.  He created a song just for me and I can sing that song and smile.  He always could make me laugh and still does.  God - I miss him terribly and love him so much.

My prayer is that you continue to make small milestones - which eventually turn into large milestones.  God Bless!

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Church was hard for me to get used to going alone without him.  I'm on the Praise Team (on the platform) and I always looked out and saw his smiling face, he always looked adoringly at me.  After he died, seeing that empty spot where he always sat was so hard.  Even worse, when someone else started sitting there.  I had to switch to sitting clear across the church in a totally different spot.  Somehow I've gotten past that, but it wasn't easy.  It's hard seeing people die or leave and new people come and now today there aren't a lot of them left that knew him.  I find that sad.  They had everyone's pictures up on the wall and I remember when they replaced those pictures with new ones and his wasn't there anymore. :(  

Francine, how special that your husband created a song just for you!

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I am actually afraid to go to bed.  Here I am at 5am talking because I have not been to bed yet.  When I go there I miss him so badly it physically hurts.  Then I sleep and when I wake it's a rush of my new reality.  Horrible.

Thanks for sharing the ways you are coping with the bed issue.

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Stonsie,

I don't like going to bed alone at night also. But I do it because I am so tired, hoping for sleep that has become a thing of the past. I want to escape from this reality so badly. But I, and everyone on this forum are given no choice in the matter. The cliche saying, that life is too short, well, it doesn't apply to the grieving journey. This journey is going to last the rest of our seemingly long lives. I just try to think of it as each day that I get through, it brings me one more day closer to being reunited with my husband.

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Stonsie,

The big old empty bed served as a reminder of my loss, the years we spooned together, our intimate sharing, talking over our day together...all that we had, now gone.  I have found it easier to sleep in my recliner since he has been gone, my dog and cat in the same room with me, it seems less alone that way.  I do hope you find a way through this as we need our sleep to function.

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