I hate time.

[Knhedges]

No matter how much I want time to stop it just keeps on moving forward. I didn't want the new year to come. I didn't want to go into a new year without Dylan. It just feels so wrong. It's been 2 months and 2 days since he died. I don't know what's going on in my head anymore. I seemed to be having less meltdowns, but they have picked back up again. I think it's because in 11 days I'm being induced to have our daughter. It's like the closer it gets to her being here the worse I get emotionally. I feel like I'm drowning. I wake up and can't get out of bed. I lay there for an hour or two and just cry.

When I finally do manage to get up it constantly feels like there is an elephant sitting on my chest. I am so anxious all the time. The loneliness is overwhelming. A good day for me is when I get through the day just being sad and feeling like crap. Bad days, like today, are where it takes hours to get out of bed just for me to sit on the floor and have a meltdown. Ugly crying, can't breathe, chest pains, meltdown.

I realized last night that, at best, my life will only be full of bittersweet moments now.... The birth of our child. Watching her grow and reach milestones. Watching my oldest daughter continue growing and learning. He loved her as if she were his own. 

Anything good that happens will always be bittersweet. Any vacations I may go on... He won't be there to enjoy it with me... Bittersweet. Watching the kids go to school, graduate, go to college, get married, have kids of their own.... He won't be there next to me to witness any of it. Yeah, yeah. He's in my heart, he's watching me from heaven, he's always with me, I know. But it's not the same, and it's not enough. 

I'm 26 years old and never again in my life will I ever have a truly "sweet" moment, and that's something that's very hard for me to accept.

[KMB]

Knhedges---Life and time keep moving forward and we are having a difficult time of it. Maybe knowing your daughter's birth date is causing you to be even more emotional. You'll be facing reality with taking care of yours and Dylan's daughter. It has to be overwhelming for you, I'm sorry. Yes, our loved ones are watching over us. No, it's not enough, and it's the accepting of what we want and not getting it that is the hardest to endure.

Take care of yourself---Your almost to be newborn daughter is a legacy and a gift.

[Emeliza]

You can do this.  I know you don't want to.  I know you don't feel like you have it in you, but you can.  The pregnancy and the trauma of it all are taking their toll on you and I know you don't feel strong, but somehow/someway, you are.

Sending good thoughts and prayers as you struggle with this awful ordeal and the sweetness, that isn't quite as sweet, but still the love of and for your child. 

[KayC]

I know it's hard to see time marching forward when you want to freeze it the way it was.  I hope your daughter melts your heart and brings you joy and comfort.  She will need you, and I'm sure he'd want you to shower her with all the love he wishes he could.  Talk to him about it, I'm sure they hear us.  (((hugs)))