Sadaf Nazim

Life turned upside down

21 posts in this topic

Hi All

I have not written anything here for a while. So I decided to get in touch with you all.

It's really been a horrible time for me. For the first month I was still trying to swallow the ugly truth that the person I had loved and known all my life just went away. All of a sudden. Now, it's close to 2nd month, on 13 th Jan it would be 2 months. Now reality is punching me on my face. I have developed serious health issues. Both mental and physical. I am starting to have severe heart aches. I can't sleep at night. I can't eat or drink, I can't go to work or study or even sit and talk to any one for 5 minutes. I m just 22 . This was not supposed to be happening to me. Atleast not now. I was supposed to be with him. We were going to get married. We had planned so many things. He was just 24. He was so energetic so adventurous so lovable so intelligent. He never fell sick all his life. All of a sudden he is dead now. He is no more in my life. My love of 14 years is gone. 

I feel no meaning to my life now. My whole life revolved around him. What is the point of anything if he is not here?  What am I going to do with this life? 

I don't understand anything.

..

This thing has shaken me and broken me so much. I feel there is nothing left of me now.

 

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Sadaf,

1 hour ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

This thing has shaken me and broken me so much. I feel there is nothing left of me now.

I'm sorry, it does that to us.  It seems to break us before we can start the rebuilding process.  I guess the first place to start is your getting your health taken care of.  I hope you're seeing a doctor and getting some help, if not, please do.  You're undoubtedly going through symptoms related to your grief, it's hard on us.  You might need some help with it.
Our life does lose its meaning when we lose them.  It is up to us to build some meaning back into it, but that takes time and probably isn't the first thing to worry about.  The first thing is just getting through today.  One day at a time.  It took me three years to process George's death.  It took way longer to build my life back into something tolerable.  Finding meaning and even small joys have taken time and effort.  It's never been like it was and never will be but I've learned to accept what is...following a period of railing against it!

You can make it through this.  Be patient and understanding of yourself.  You will need to become your best friend and advocate, in his stead.  Nothing will happen overnight, but that's okay, you have time, you will build a life for yourself...I know it's hard to believe right now, but give yourself that glimmer of hope.

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Sadaf, 

You are totally right. This is not supposed to be happening to you. 
It's something we don't think about at our age (I'm 21), and the shock and sharp learning curve is absolutely killer. 

My year mark just passed, and I still cannot tell you what I am going to do with my life. I have decided that I will carry on for my fiance because he lives through me now. Someone has to keep going so that he can experience everything that he missed out on. It's not easy and there are many days when I would rather just not. 

Grieving is difficult at our age. This is really the first time we've experienced such a significant loss and, of course, it had to be our significant others. A lot of people our age are still dating around, most of us haven't experienced what you and I have. It's hard for our friends to relate, to support us in the way that they need. 

If you have yet to go to the doctor or see a counselor, I suggest that you do both. I know that you probably don't want to go, but I know that he would hate to see you like this. It's okay to ask for help and to get some medical treatment. You need to be healthy to help you process, and you can't process very well when your body can't keep up. You are not the only person experiencing symptoms like this, it's just your body and brain trying to deal with the trauma. The human body is an amazing thing, but sometimes it needs a little help. 
Please help you to help yourself!

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Hi Sadaf---I am so sorry you are going through what you are.We are all broken, our hearts and minds shattered.. Our losses have been hard to comprehend and even harder yet for our bodies and minds to function. Our other half that completed us is gone. You sound so alone. I hope you will consider finding a grief counselor or grief therapist. It is so devastating that we have to start this life all over and finding out who we really are as individuals with a life purpose. Your life does have value and meaning, it is going to take a lot of effort and time, but you will survive. Take care of yourself, Sadaf.

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Thank you everyone. Your kind words means a lot to me. I went to doctor today even though I didn't want to. 

It's the beginning of a complete new phase of my life where I have to start from scratch and learn everything all over again. I began today by taking care of myself. 

I am so thankful I have you guys.

 

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8 hours ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

I began today by taking care of myself. 

That's one of the things I've learned since George's death.  He's not here to do it so I have to do it myself.  I'm glad you took that step.

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Sadaf, How did it turn out at the doctor? Medical doctor or for grief counseling? There is nothing wrong in seeking a doctor's advice. We need help in coping with the grieving, whether with medications or seeking therapy. I go to a support group once a month. I've never been one for taking chemical meds except for pain relievers for back aches, headaches, etc. I have been using herbals for anxiety. Was using them 2-3 times a day. The anxiety has lessened off to once in a while. This morning is a different story again and I just took an herbal. It has lemon balm and lavender. Weekends are hard for me to get through. The emotions come and go like waves. Sundays were our *together* day. We didn't go anywhere, just spent the day being outside or watching tv together. A winter day like today with the temps being below 0 and we stayed cocooned in the house.

I'm still having a rough time as you can tell.  You are having it rough also and it is cheering to see you making the effort to take care of yourself. We will be here for you!

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12 minutes ago, KMB said:

Sundays were our *together* day. We didn't go anywhere, just spent the day being outside or watching tv together. A winter day like today with the temps being below 0 and we stayed cocooned in the house.

Hugs!  Sometimes I imagine him being here with me, holding me...maybe he is, in spirit.  It's a comforting thought.

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9 hours ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

Thank you everyone. Your kind words means a lot to me. I went to doctor today even though I didn't want to. 

It's the beginning of a complete new phase of my life where I have to start from scratch and learn everything all over again. I began today by taking care of myself. 

 

I am so glad you are taking care of yourself.  I know how hard that is to do sometimes.

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Kmb

I went to a physician. Lots of tests and medications. I don't see any improvement in my condition. But I will still give it a try. 

I don't want to go to a grief counsellor because I know it won't help me. I have a brother who has been very kind to me. He keeps advising me, supporting me and is always there for me. I am thankful to God that I have him.

I am trying to take care of myself. But I lack all the motivation. I feel like my life has ended before even getting started. 

 

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Sadaf---I know that what we are going through is extremely hard, painful. You are so fortunate that your brother is supporting you with love. Some of us don't have that devotional support. Still, maybe later down the road, you might seek out grief counseling. It is comforting interacting with others who understand loss of a loved one. Just think about giving it a try, it does help getting out and not staying too isolated.

Going to a doctor at least eliminates a physical issue. I don't know what medications were prescribed. Usually for grieving, antidepressants, anti-anxiety and sleep aids are given. Sometimes, we need medications in order to cope for awhile. It is not a sign of weakness to seek out help when we are dealing with a traumatic loss. We are only human and our bodies and minds are not equipped to handle the pain and emptiness, all those devastating emotions.

It is the hardest thing to find the motivation to take care of ourselves much less anything else about our life.  Our loved ones who are no longer here would want us to take care of ourselves. They would want us to continue living for them. Easy to say and hard to do. I take one step forward and two back constantly. One minute I feel ok doing something and the next minute I'm crashing into sadness and despair. It is, what it is and somehow I'm still here every day and breathing.

Take care, Sadaf. Love and prayers to you.

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The symptoms of depression we have while grieving are not true clinical depression with a physical basis that medication helps, that's why a lot of grief counselors recommend we feel and process our grief and do our grief work rather than mask our feelings with pills.  Most doctors are not trained in grief and don't seem to realize that...they seem ready to dispense a pill that does nothing to help us process our grief.  I highly recommend giving a professional grief counselor a try...not just any counselor, mind you, not all are trained in grief, but one with grief as their specialty.  You may be skeptical and not see how it could do anything, but you might be surprised if you gave it a try.  Just try to open your mind to the possibility.  I realize different strokes for different folks, but I've  been on grief forums for 11 1/2 years and done my work and I know what is recommended and what people say works.  Not everyone's experience is great and sometimes it takes trying two or three before you get the right fit.

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself.  You probably won't feel the motivation for a very long time...it's hard to get it back, just like it's hard to create a life for ourselves that has any meaning, it's hard to find purpose again, but it can be done with great effort.  None of this is a quick or easy fix.  That's why we say to hang in there and take one day at a time.  One day turns into another until years have accumulated.

This is a roller coaster and we're all along for the ride.  I thank God we have each other to go through it with.  It'd be pretty hard without that, and it's hard enough with!

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Thanks a lot kmb and KayC. I will give it a try and try to go for counselling. Right now I feel I am not ready. I can't tell anyone my story. But I will definitely try soon. 

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That's all we can do, Sadaf, is try. KayC is right about a professional grief counselor, it might take seeing 2 or 3 to find the one that works for you. Check out your available resources and try it out when you feel ready. Some people start with counseling/therapy right away and others wait until they feel a little more emotionally stable.

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Sadaf,

We will be here listening when you're ready to talk.  

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KayC 

I am always comfortable talking to people here. We all understand each others pain. But I am uncomfortable telling my story to a therapist or anyone else who does not know yet. I am afraid to talk about his death. I start feeling everything happening all over again. Reliving that day again. I think I need some time before I can talk about it to others without breaking down.

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Take your time Sadaf. When/if you do seek out a therapist, one of the most important points is getting your story out to a stranger. Unfortunately, you will have to relive that day and everything that went along with it. Breaking down and crying is part of it. It is part of the therapy. Once you get past the first session or two, it will get easier and the therapy can begin to be helpful. The key is finding someone who specializes in grieving.

I broke down at my first couple of support group meetings. Those that were at the meeting cried also. It was beneficial to share our pain. It was a release of a burden that we all share when we lose a loved one. Every single person on this earth will experience the grieving of losing someone they love through death. Some sooner, some later in life.

I lost my father when I was 5. Too young to fully understand what was happening. I never knew my maternal grandfather. He passed from cancer when my mother was a teenager. I lost both my grandmothers when I was in high school. Lost my paternal grandfather when I was in my 30's. I grieved for all my losses but losing my soul mate husband of 25 years has been the most horrendous ordeal. I didn't live with my grandparents or see them daily. But I was with my husband daily and the loss of his physical presence has taken a huge toll on me and always will. I knew I needed to get outside help for coping.

Take care of yourself, Sadaf.

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Kmb

You have suffered so many losses. I am so sorry you had to deal with all this. I have only suffered one loss prior to this, and that was of my maternal grandmother. It was 10 years ago. I felt bad but I didn't really experience the pain because I was too young. 

I remember when my grandmother was lying on the bed, cold, and everyone was crying, I and Nazim, along with other kids, we were so young to understand death that we were playing hide and seek upstairs during the time of her funeral. 

I didn't know then, that the next funeral I would attend would be his.

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Sadaf, We just never know when a loss is going to happen. We are not guaranteed a tomorrow. My conscious mind was in denial about my husband's health. I thought between the medical pros, the medications and my love and care, that he would stay here for a much longer time. But I feel now, upon reflection, that my soul knew. For the past year or so leading up to his passing, I could see he was declining ( but did not want to see) and I was feeling sad and depressed. Those were my souls feelings. That inner feeling of helplessness.

I know my husband is at peace in Heaven and sending me love and waiting for me. Even with that knowledge, I am still in pain and feeling lost, lonely and scared to be on my own. It has been 5 months and I often wonder how I've made it this far, but I have.

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Sadaf,

I'm sorry for your lost and what you are feeling now and I won't tell you "in time, it will get better"  - I don't think you'd want to hear that now.   What I will say, is the love you shared with him will always be - that's a space in time that will never cease to exist - no one and nothing can take that away -   It happened and can never be erased.  You hold it in your heart where it is safe. - where you can visit anytime you need to.    So love him, miss him and remember him.  Know that the two of you will be together again  - and that is going to be awesome.   My prayer is that you find love and strength in this difficult time and God, in all his infinite wisdom, grant you peace.  All you need do is open your heart and God will do the rest. God Bless! 

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Sadaf,

My early sessions with a grief counselor I cried throughout.  That's okay, they were tears that needed shed.  I think opening up to talk about something so raw is hard, but it takes experiencing the pain to heal.  You will know when you are ready, we're all different.

The missing them doesn't go away but the grief evolves and we do adjust, little by little, so bit by bit as to seem imperceptible.

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