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it feels like my life is over


annmarie111

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I lost him on December 9th 2016.  It's only been nearly a month and it feels like forever without him.  I can't remember what he really looked like, I can't remember things he said.  I can't remember things he did that made me laugh or things that made me so angry at him.  I feel like I am lost somewhere. Somewhere that I have never been. Alone. He was my world, my life, my friend, my lover, my business partner. I had no life without him.  He was only 55.  I am 52. I see no joy or happiness in my future. I know that there are no answers but I really don't want to live.  He was here one minute and then he was a gone the next.  Not sick at all. A massive heart attack. No goodbyes. Just gone forever. What will be of me?  I feel like I can't be a Mother to my grown children or a grandmother to our 2 young grandchildren. I just want him. We were supposed to grow old together. If anything, I was supposed to die first.  How is this happening? How is this now my life? I want to be with him. I don't know how to live without him. I have no purpose. He was my purpose. I still can't believe that this is happening.  It still feels surreal. What happens from here? Everyday is a struggle. So I just live the rest of my life alone? I could never love anyone like I loved him. I wished I would have loved him more. Or just showed him more every second of every day. I thought he would be here forever.  My forever. Please someone tell me what to do now. Please.

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I'm so sorry to hear how sudden your loss was. That makes things more difficult to process through.

Right now your emotions are preventing your memories from being prominent, but that isn't permanent. All those memories are still there and will present themselves as your emotions become less acute. This is normal for the circumstance.

Your purpose will be revealed to you as you grow through this situation. You only have to live one day at a time, and when that is hard, one hour, or one minute at a time. Each minute is a small victory and will lead to the next. You will grow stronger without even noticing it, but one day you will look back and see that there has been some healing. 

I don't have a lot of experience to share since I am also new on this journey, but I know there are others who have walked this path and done so with grace and courage, and I intend to learn from them. This is a safe place to do that work, and welcome to the forum nobody ever wants to join.

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Oh Bev, thanks for your prophetic words. I needed to read that. I too am relatively new to this grief roller coaster and at times, I feel I have made huge strides, and then it smacks me like a ton of bricks that he is gone and not coming back. Our son was born on Christmas Day, which was his favorite holiday.What a gift God blessed me with. Now that our son has been born, I wonder if Anthony would do things like myself, what type of relationship would AJ and his father have, what would the dynamic of our family look like? Breaks my heart..

Annemarie,

Nothing can be said to make the pain go away. My only piece of advice is to ask GOD to give you just enough. Enough strength to get you through the day, enough strength to get you out of bed, enough strength to put on clothing, enough strength to take a bite of food, take a sip of some liquid, enough strength to face the day without the love of you life. Just enough heavenly father..  My pastor preaches that weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh. Your weeping nights may be days, months, years but rest assure Joy will come. I will be the first to tell you that, I don't see my Joy but I believe that it is coming. It's most definitely still night for me and I am still weeping. I find comfort in knowing that my joy will come. Hold Fast love! 

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Annemarie, I lost my husband three years ago on Dec. 6th, 2013. I had just turned 50 a few months before. I also lost him without warning in a motorcycle accident. Then I had to make the torcherous decision to disconnect life support. I will not sugarcoat it. I wanted to die too. It hurt to even exist. Days blended together in a mass of tears, denial and pain that I do not know how I survived. But I did. One day at a time. I already know that nothing I say can help ease your pain. I can tell you that over time, it isn't as sharp. If the me now were to give advice to the me then, I would tell myself to grieve any way I wanted to. I wouldn't do anything that I didn't want to because others thought I should. I wouldn't care what anyone thought when I would break down in tears for no apparent reason.

I did have to go to my doctor and get some help initially. Please reach out to your doctor if you feel you can't cope.

I'm so sorry that you have to experience this pain. I wish no one did. Hugs to you. 

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Annmarie111

I am so, so sorry for your loss.  You have received some excellent replies.  I too lost my husband to a heart incident.  The shock makes things harder to process.  I am totally overwhelmed, fearful and bewildered.  I think he is still around somewhere.  It's pure torture I know.  All we can do is try and survive the best we can.  I don't know if I want to really, and I am just holding on and living a half life.  Warm regards Tina

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Annmarie111,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I also lost my husband to a massive heart attack.  He died suddenly and unexpectedly on 11/10/2005 at the age of 35.  The day started out like any other day.  He called me from work around noon and said he was going home for the rest of the day because he was feeling a little sick to his stomach.  He called a few hours later and told me he was feeling a lot better.  A few hours after that, he was gone.  The grief was so overwhelming.  My husband was gone and I was left to raise our two young children alone.  Today, it is 11 years later, and I still remember that day like it was yesterday.  I know the grief is all consuming, but please know that time does heal.  You will come to a point where your memories are there for you and though it still hurts at times, you'll be able to look back on your time together without all of that tremendous hurt.  The only thing you can do is take things one day, one minute, at a time.  It's really important that you take care of yourself right now; reach out to your doctor, friends, family...whatever it takes to help get you through the worst of it.

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I am sorry for your loss.  Like many others, my husband died this past August of a sudden unexpected massive heart attack. He was my life and I still feel that guilt of wishing it had been me, I could have gone with him or that I had been a better wife.  

Like others have said, the memories come back.  The words do too.  I still feel like I remember less than what I should have, but what I have, I do treasure.  

My thoughts are with you.

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annmarie111---My condolences to you on your loss. My husband also passed of a fatal heart attack. There are no words to ease your pain. Just know we are listening and here for each other.

Yes, every day is a struggle. Every day I get up, I wonder why am I still here. My husband took my heart with him, why am I still breathing.  But yet, here we are, all of us going through the most horrendous ordeal of our lives. We understand all of your feelings, thoughts, emotions. I hope you have family and friends giving you comfort and support

Keep posting and sharing. I hope you find comfort here. None of us want to be here but it is a safe place for expression when you can't find it anywhere else.

Prayers going your way..

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annmarie,

I am sorry for your loss and all that you find yourself going through.  I was 52 when my husband died, he'd just turned 51.  A heart attack, five blocked arteries.  We'd had no idea until that fateful weekend that he had heart problems.  I was gone to my sister's reunion when he was taken to the hospital by ambulance.  I know what a shock it is and how bereft you feel afterwards.  My husband was my best friend, lover, soul mate, everything to me.

It's been eleven years since that time.  I've done what seemed impossible, I've adjusted.  I don't like it, it's not my preference, I miss him every day of my life, I think about him constantly.  I've had to get through a lot of stuff on my own...loss of job, surgery, broken right arm, things breaking down, dealing with roofing contractors, etc.  I miss talking over our day, I miss cuddling with him, I just miss his presence.  I talk to him all the time.

The one thing that has been beneficial to me...just days after my husband died, I ran across a refrigerator magnet that read "Find joy in every day" and I felt it was a message to me, so I bought it.  I have it up still.  At the end of each day I'd ask myself what was good in the day.  Some days it was a stretch to find something, but that made me look all the harder.  It might be seeing a deer in my yard or a phone call from a friend or someone letting me merge in traffic, small stuff.  But I acknowledged it, no matter how small.  Over time it trained me to focus on good, to look for it.  And I really think that was my saving grace.  The bad loomed out at me, didn't need looking for, but I had to make effort to find good.  I still do that in my life.  

One of the things I've learned is that the intensity in the beginning lessens, thank God!  I don't think any of us could handle that sustained intensity for any length of time!  It's hard enough surviving the early weeks and months.  It takes time to sink in, to process...it took me maybe three years to process his death.  It's bit by bit so that the changes seem imperceptible, but they're there.  When you look back you can see the progress you've made in your journey, at the time you can't see it. Grief evolves, it does not stay the same.  It does not leave, we continue to miss them, but we learn to coexist with it.

I know you don't see how right now, but you will make it through this.  We're all here for you as you go through it.

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KayC.  I cannot comprehend how you have managed 11 years.  It's been little over 11 weeks and I don't feel I have any reserves left to combat the pain with.  Everyone needs hope in their life, so when you have no hope how do you live.  My husband too had heart related issues but was outwardly the picture of health.  He had survived massive MI but suffered heart failure.  I sound like a spoilt brat but it isn't fair and it hurts incredibly. Take care all.

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You're right, it ISN'T fair!  Life isn't fair, and death sure isn't either!
11 years...one day at a time.  I really can't look far beyond that or it'd swallow me whole.

My husband also looked the picture of health, muscular and strong, big shoulders and chest, small waist, full of zest for life, happy.

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Thank you all so very much for your words of support and wisdom. Logging in here and seeing that I am not alone, helps.  

Thank you, thank you.

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Annmarie.....it's been eleven weeks since I lost my husband and I can't tell you it's gonna get any easier. I can't offer much advice but this forum helps simply by knowing you are not alone. 

Hope we both can make it through today at least....stay strong 

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annmarie111, We are not alone. Just log on here. I check the site throughout the day. It is my coping mechanism, to give comfort to others which brings me comfort in return.

I went to a support meeting last night. I wish it met more than once a month but it gives me something to look forward to. It is a small group, which is more beneficial. There is an old friend there who lost his wife to cancer a few years ago. His family is actually related to my husband's family through marriage somewhere in the line.To fill his evenings, because he has insomnia issues, like many of us do now, he started working on his ancestry. He brought up my husband last night and it filled my heart with more love that finally someone wanted to talk about him. We explained to the group and shared stories. It made me feel good, that my husband isn't forgotten.

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