Too Sad to Cry

[Bev]

I am coming up on the one month mark of the loss of my husband. Things have quieted down now that the holidays are done and a sad quiet fills the house. I feel at loose ends, though I do manage to get at least one productive thing done each day, and sometimes more. I have some time before any painful dates arrive on the calendar. 

I have adjusted my sleep schedule because the night time is when I miss him most, so I go to bed earlier than was our usual habit and I try to skip a nap even though that makes my head worse. I had a brain tumor so that afternoon nap was important to help with the headaches and brain fatigue, but if I nap then I am up very late like we used to do together. We were a pair of night owls and that was our time together, even if we were each just quietly doing our own thing we would still make comments to one another.

We made a very peaceful and comfortable life together and didn't need to talk to feel connected. I'm finding that we don't need bodies to feel connected either, but it's so much harder without both of us having one. 

I haven't been able to cry, but writing this is opening the way for healing tears to flow. I'm not sobbing hopelessly, but finally releasing the sadness in the most human way of all. Thank you for sharing this forum with me, and I appreciate feeling so much less alone as a part of this community.

[Emeliza]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I hope you are able to find some peace and comfort.

[Nads]

Bev, so sorry that we have to be going through all this. I feel as though I have no words to offer except you are not alone. Don't know if that helps any at all but for me I was glad to find this forum just to know that support is out there. 

It's coming up to three months since I lost him and I can't say it's getting any better. It's good that you are still able to do something productive each day. I have days that I just can't do anything cause I feel so sad and lost   

Keep on trying 

[Bev]

1 hour ago, Nads said:

It's coming up to three months since I lost him and I can't say it's getting any better. It's good that you are still able to do something productive each day. I have days that I just can't do anything cause I feel so sad and lost   

My standards have adjusted to my circumstances. Some days my one productive thing is taking a shower or getting to the store for a necessity. It's important to recognize how difficult even "simple" things suddenly become, and so to give yourself respect for accomplishing something which used to be trivial, but now is a major task. Beating yourself up with unmet high expectations leads to much worse than the compassionate thing of recognizing that even running a dishwasher is a major achievement. I am applying lessons I learned in what I thought at the time was "the hard way" when I had to recover from brain surgery, but nothing is harder than this.

[KMB]

Bev--I have a life very similar to yours. I don't expect anything from myself right now. Just breathing and trying to prevent myself from going crazy can be enough. I knew that going through this first winter without my husband's companionship was going to be tough. Going through below 0 temps and wind chills right now, so I'm being a hermit. No traffic past the house, so the neighbors are doing the same. This new, lonely life is so hard.

[KayC]

Bev,

You are finding ways to get through this, and exploring different ways can be helpful.  I found our bed was just a reminder of his absence, so I took to sleeping in the recliner.  You're adjusting sleep times to adjust to those changes, whatever we do to help ourselves get through it.

Yep, taking a shower can count as one productive thing in the day!

[Bev]

7 minutes ago, KMB said:

I don't expect anything from myself right now. Just breathing and trying to prevent myself from going crazy can be enough. ...<some content cut for brevity>... This new, lonely life is so hard.

I get to count today as successful because I have taken a shower, got the trash out for pickup, and had social contact via this group. Anything else I manage today will just be added benefit. I am going to try to change the sheets today. That is something I have resisted doing because Jack slept in these sheets. It's hard to let go of even that because there might be some of his residual smell on them. Realistically, not much could possibly remain because of the length of time it has been since he was in them: It's been a month tomorrow and he was in the hospital for a couple weeks before that. It's one more of the many millions of ways of letting go, and I am resisting even that small gesture. I have his colognes for awakening those deep memories and may use a spritz on his side of the bed. Smell is a powerful evoker of memories and it may comfort me in my sleep. Jack loved rich, complex smells so it is easy to evoke his memory with things like clove, sandalwood, and other earthy, spicy smells. Maybe changing the sheets won't be so bad. I love the feel of crisp, fresh linens. I am going to try to do that today and consider it a positive milestone. I will be strong and do this.

[KMB]

Bev---You are strong. It just takes time, much time, to find it and continue on. The bedding, you might want to put it in a bag, tightly sealed, to retain the smell of your husband. Sounds crude in a way, but I have done that with the last of my husband's laundry also. Something compels us to retain whatever we can of our *loss*, evidence they were here. I even have my husband's whiskers from his shaver. We do whatever we need to in order to cope and it is ok.

[Bev]

14 minutes ago, KayC said:

Yep, taking a shower can count as one productive thing in the day!

I showered today and that is good. I am experiencing another milestone today from the compassion and understanding extended to me by all of you: my tears are finally coming! It's not hopeless sobbing, but the cleansing release of the deep emotion. I have hoped they would come because I know it is a step toward a new balance. It's not healing, because this wound cannot be "healed," but it can be accepted and accommodated into the new way of life forced by circumstance.

A note of trivia for the scientifically interested: Tears from emotion have a different chemical composition to those of eye irritation or another source. It is believed that only the higher primates cry such tears, but it is a difficult thing to study.

At least I know that something within me is growing and accepting my new reality. You are all very helpful companions on this journey, and I thank you for sharing such a difficult time of our lives with me.

[Bev]

18 minutes ago, KMB said:

Bev---You are strong. It just takes time, much time, to find it and continue on. The bedding, you might want to put it in a bag, tightly sealed, to retain the smell of your husband. Sounds crude in a way, but I have done that with the last of my husband's laundry also. Something compels us to retain whatever we can of our *loss*, evidence they were here. I even have my husband's whiskers from his shaver. We do whatever we need to in order to cope and it is ok.

Thank you for the validation and encouragement.

I have the same with the laundry. I am sure I will be sleeping with some of his used shirts as comfort objects. 

I just want to mention that I happen to have some specific knowledge about saving items with biological materials on them: You want to save them in a heavy paper bag or cardboard box so the smells remain fresh and intact. If you put them in plastic, after a while anaerobic bacteria will grow and ruin the smell. Police departments do this with all their important evidence. The smells will remain because they are contained in the paper-based material, but will not go bad.

[Emeliza]

6 minutes ago, Bev said:

 

I just want to mention that I happen to have some specific knowledge about saving items with biological materials on them: You want to save them in a heavy paper bag or cardboard box so the smells remain fresh and intact. If you put them in plastic, after a while anaerobic bacteria will grow and ruin the smell. Police departments do this with all their important evidence. The smells will remain because they are contained in the paper-based material, but will not go bad.

Ack---I need to go home on my lunch break and fix this.  Every thing is in plastic zip locks.  It has been over 4 months.  I hope they still smell like him.

[Bev]

7 minutes ago, Emeliza said:

Ack---I need to go home on my lunch break and fix this.  Every thing is in plastic zip locks.  It has been over 4 months.  I hope they still smell like him.

Please let us know. I suspect that they will be alright after this short time. I know the police have to save evidence for years, and the paper will work for that. Bacteria don't need a lot of air, so there was probably enough residual air that you won't have a problem after that short a period of time, though I am not an expert in microbiology. I don't think a few hours would make a difference, so don't do anything that would make it more difficult for you to finish your workday. 

[Emeliza]

I put them into paper sacks.  I didn't have long on my lunch break as that is when I visit the cemetery.  But they seem ok.  I have a bit of a cold so I couldn't really smell them much.  It was only a few items.  Most are still in his hamper or hanging in the closet.  Not to be gross, but I only bagged the stuff that smelled the most like him, undershirts or shirts he wore a few times and hadn't washed yet.

[Bev]

My biggest milestone starting yesterday is finally being able to cry. The compassion of everyone on this list is overwhelming and has helped me be able to connect with my emotions rather than being the strong shell. It's only a few tears at times, but that is a positive sign of progress. I spent several weeks while Jack was in the hospital being strong and brave and showing him that I was alright so he wouldn't worry. It's was a real concern because I am disabled from brain surgery and I have severe memory and concentration issues such that I can't work and it was questionable if I could even live independently.

It has been a month now and the house looks fine, the dogs and I have both had something to eat every day, and all the bills are being paid as they come in. I think if I can get through this month, I can continue. Jack was in the hospital for seven weeks so I had transition time with his support. I had gotten used to being in the bed by myself when it wasn't a part of loss. If this had been sudden, I don't know how I would have been able to find my way. I count that time as Jack's last precious gift to me. 

 

[KayC]

Bev, you are handling it well by reducing it to basics, and yes, you're doing it.
I handled the empty bed part by switching to a recliner.  I still have the bed, I just don't sleep in it.

[Emeliza]

2 hours ago, Bev said:

It has been a month now and the house looks fine, the dogs and I have both had something to eat every day, and all the bills are being paid as they come in. I think if I can get through this month, I can continue. Jack was in the hospital for seven weeks so I had transition time with his support. I had gotten used to being in the bed by myself when it wasn't a part of loss. If this had been sudden, I don't know how I would have been able to find my way. I count that time as Jack's last precious gift to me. 

 

I feel similar.  The last two years of our marriage my husband had decided to go back to school so he was working overnights on the weekend and sometimes during the week.  It sucked so bad and I hated it.  My 2 days off a week he was sleeping during the day and working at night.  He had to miss a lot of family celebrations and kids concerts and all the things he had always been a major part of. We kept saying it was only a couple more years. Little did we know.

But in many ways it has been a huge blessing.  I was a bit more used to not sleeping next to him every single night.  I was used to not having him around during the day on the weekend.  Even Christmas and such were a bit normal because the hospital (where he worked) sometimes had him work those days.

My hardest time is coming home from work.  He was almost always there and often making dinner.  Even if he had to work that night, we got an hour or so to chat and hug and say how much we hated our schedules.  

[KMB]

Emeliza and Bev--you are doing as well as you can. My existence is similar. The pets and I eat every day and the bills get paid. The garbage goes out, I shower and wear clean clothes. I manage to get away from the house at least once, if not twice a week, weather depending. It is the best we can do. I'm on this forum daily, talk to the kids, a few friends via social media ( all live long distance). Talk to a couple others by phone occaisonally and every other week I check in with an elderly couple who are friends. I try and it's enough for now.

What has made my own circumstances even more sad, a long time friend of the family is going to Heaven soon. He beat cancer once a couple years ago. Came back earlier last year and was doing fine with treatments, but now it has changed. The cancer decided to travel throughout his body. I cannot visit. Only family allowed. My consolation when he crosses over is that he will find my husband and they can share their stories and jokes like old times.

[Francine]

Hi Bev,

I too lost the love of my life on December 6, 2016 so I truly know your lost and what you are going through.  We were bless to have nearly 45 years together - for that I truly thank God.  We two were inseparable and did everything, I mean everything together.  Nights are also my worst time - just last night I became so heartbroken, I cried uncontrollably.   I miss him so much and love him even much more.  He made me happy and laugh all the time - he even wrote a song just for me and the tune is always in my head.  When he was here, I'd ask him to sing it for me and he always did - how we laughed and I even would change some of the words.  Oh how I loved that man - one redeeming grace is knowing that when he left this world, he knew my love for him and his for me. .  I truly thank God for that.  I read somewhere that "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal - but Love - Love leaves a memory no one can steal"  and I know earth has no sorry that heaven cannot heal. - Such a true statement.

While I am mourning the lost of my husband I feel there are others (the angels) that are rejoicing meeting him behind the veil.   My heart believes that when we are feeling sorrowful we need only to search our hearts and we shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which had been our delight.  

I pray that God sends us his unconditional love, strength and inner peace to fill our lives in this difficult time.  God Bless and keep all of us safe.

[Katie S]

Francine - such a lovely post, my tears are falling