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Faking okay for family


Mica

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I have always minimized my struggles to console my parents. I don't like worrying or stressing them out so I tend to minimize things.

I've let my parents think I'm coping much better than I am. I didn't tell them about the suicidal or self destructive feelings and only shared as much as I thought seemed "normal". Unfortunately this backfires sometimes when my mom then has expectations of me matching up with someone coping better than I truly am.

I made a vague comment about feeling really bad and she'll make a standard response about it passing and dealing with it but really I'm wondering if I should be considering inpatient or anot out patient program. But I don't want to worry her so I kind of shrug it off so it's a catch 22. 

It's not that she wouldn't support me or would have inappropriate expectations if I were totally open with her, but I've never wanted to do that because I don't want to upset her (or anyone else in my family) or worry them and I want them to think I'm okay because i feel guilty whem theyr worry or check in all the time, But then when i do feel really bad, they don't understand (because it doesn't match what I show them) so her responses are sometimes aggravating. 

Does anyone else have someone in their life like this? Did it make sense? I'm not sure how to explain it really.

Like... if I were to mention inpatient to her she would think I was overreacting and being dramatic, not because she's unsupportive but because the face I show her doesn't match up with that statement so it would seem strange to her...

I'm not thinking inpatient right now, I can't miss that much work, for one thing, but it's the best example I can think of.  The mismatch in information i give them leading to unuseful 'support' or feedback comes up in other contexts but that's s just the example that's easiest

 

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claribassist13

Mica, 

I can relate to that. I put off grieving for months in order to take care of his family, to stay strong for them. 
I don't regret it, but it has come back to bite me in the ass. Like you said, when you don't match up to their expectations, people have responses that seem unsupportive. 

I know that you don't want your family to worry about you. You don't want to seem a burden, maybe you just don't want anybody around. I can tell you, though, it will only make your grieving worse. 
It will make it harder for you to share your feelings with the people who really need to hear them. You end up holding so much inside. It hurts, and you'll get to the point where you don't feel like you can share it with anyone. 

Most of all: you know yourself better than anybody else. If you think you need treatment, then it's worth looking into. 
My family didn't think that I need to go on anti-depressants. They also didn't know about the suicidal thoughts and tendencies that I had been having.
The bottom line is that you have to do what is best for you, and it certainly helps if you are open with those closest to you. People cannot help you if they don't know how to. They won't always know what to do, but at least they will try. 

You must take care of yourself in all aspects. This is a time where it is perfectly okay for you to be selfish. 

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Yeah, it is hard to know how much to let them know on how devastated you are.  My husband's siblings came and visited for a few days (they are all west coast---we are Midwest) and it was great.  But my dad seems to think I must have gone thru and gave them a bunch of my husband's things.  I gave them a few, but I can't even do his laundry.  

Guess I either have had too brace of a face for him or he just has no idea.....

Unfortunately, you are going to get many people who have no idea what the grief is like or who assume you are all ok because sometimes you are ok.

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I'm concerned about you stuffing your feelings away. Relationships with parents are complicated, but you need someone in your life you can be authentic and trusting with. Since you mention inpatient therapy, it makes me wonder if you have a therapist or other professional you already have contact with and can talk about your feelings without fear or reservation. If not, a trusted friend would be helpful.

Maybe it would be helpful to you to write a journal where you can be completely honest with yourself. You never have to share it with anyone unless you want to, and you don't even have to go back and read it yourself, but the act of putting feelings into words without worry or judgement can help you come to a resolution within yourself. 

Other people's reactions aren't your responsibility. Reality is what it is, and the more we can live in that the more we can be emotionally balanced. Do what you need to for your own balance and know you can't control someone else's response to you or anything else and you probably shouldn't even try to do that.

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Try not to worry about your family, they can handle it.  Concern yourself first and foremost with YOU!  You are the one suffering this tremendous loss and adjustment, and YOU are the one needing support and nurture.  Be your best friend and take care of you first.

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thank you for the reassurance. It helps to be given "permission". I know that these are the things I would tell anyone else (what you have said to me) but when it comes to myself I always seem to have different "rules" or expectations (I'm not sure what word I want).

With my parents and brother it's hard because I know they are so supportive and care so much and would be hurt if they knew I felt I couldn't be open with them, and devastated if something were to happen and they found out I hadn't talked to them (Not that I expect anything to happen),  and, like how I feel with those I care about, the would rather worry about me but provide support now than have me go through it without them not knowing and possibly being unknowingly insensitive to how I'm feeling.
But I've always felt a need to protect them. I feel guilty when I make them feel bad. whether its worried or disappointed or sad. They can also be a bit overwhelming in their caring, checking in a bit too often or even the way they check in? I don't know how to explain it. It makes me feel somewhat claustrophobic.

It's hard to find the balance between keeping the boundaries I need to not feel overwhelmed by their care or shutting them out and letting them think i'm fine and then there being the confusion when i do let them in on what i'm feeling. 

I do have a couple friends I can be a little more open with. I have one friend who is going through the recent loss of her mother so we can share similar stages of feelings but about different losses (Sometimes it's too much for me to be with his family just yet).

I also have a friend who lost his girlfriend a few years ago in the same way and talking to him has been helpful, a lot of the people I know "in real life" who have lost loved ones did so long enough ago that I think some of the initial feelings,  and process has faded or they arent sharing them, but he still remembers the dreams and what he felt, and has shared with me.

and then people i talk to online or text which is sometimes easier. 

I have a hard time with journaling about it because I don't want a record of how I'm feeling. If I write it down it sort of makes it that much more real. Also I think I'm afraid to really feel it because I feel like it will overwhelm me and pull me apart and never end. I know I have to go through it for it to get better, I've been told by my therapist and my psychiatrist and other people that you have to feel it for it to pass and if you dont it just keeps coming back later. I've never been good with emotions. I'm afraid of the feelings coming and I'm afraid of them when they come. I've always been a big writer in the past, but writing lets them loose.

 

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Mica---Just keep writing and posting on here. As long as it makes you comfortable. The emotions have to be faced, otherwise it just boils over and is even more devastating and overwhelming to deal with. We are all afraid of dealing with emotions but it is what makes us human. It is good that you have friends you can share with. You shouldn't be trying to cope on your own.You might want to talk to your parents. They are being supportive and want the best for you. Their feelings would be hurt if they felt you couldn't go to them with your feelings. They should be protecting you, not the other way around, even though protecting them shows your love but you need their love and support now.

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Mica,

Journaling helps because it expresses yourself, it validates your feelings, you don't have to share it with anyone else, and it also helps you look back and see how far you've come in your journey (later on).  Posting here does the same thing.  I'm glad you have a friend who has experienced something similar (loss of GF) because loss of mother is not the same as loss of partner.  Some of the people that it seems it must have been a long time for them...it's probably just they weren't as hard hit with their loss and didn't experience the same things you are.  It's been 11 1/2 years for me and trust me I remember every step of the way vividly, I still live it, I miss him every bit as much as I did in the beginning...if not more.  The only difference is I've had time to process my grief, I've had time to work through it (and it IS a lot of work, and effort to do it effectively), I've learned a lot on the way, and I've learned to adjust and cope, gosh, none of it's been easy!  I've also learned it's okay to smile, and even to be coveted to find a bit of joy in life, although it's never been anywhere near the same level, nor will it be.  Not even close.  I've accepted that.  I've made it past the anger, the questioning, I've learned when I asked why that no one answered...because there aren't any answers.  I've learned instead to ask what now.  None of this was possible in the beginning, it's taken me all this time to make my way through this.  Sometimes things happened that made his being gone hit me all the harder (loss of job, surgery, etc.) and now that I'm retired and my best friend moved away, my kids moved away and married, I feel very alone.  Still, I get out around people 2-3 times a week at least.  Funny how you can feel alone in a crowd though.  There never has been and never will be anyone who gets me the way my George did, let alone cared about me.  He was my purpose in life.  I've learned to find new purpose, it's not on as grand a scale, but it helps.  I've learned to take care of myself, that I am worth it, to make myself priority...even as he did.

You sound like the kind of person that puts everyone first...it's time to put you first.  If ever there was a time, it is now.  Grieving by necessity is self-centered, it has to be, it takes everything within us to survive.  We don't have time to listen to friends whine about their husbands watching football or how they gained five pounds, we could care less.  It reduces everything (besides our grief) to trivial.  And that is how it has to be for now, because it takes all our energy devoted to getting through this.  This is the single hardest thing you'll ever be called upon to go through.  It takes everything within you just when you feel you have it the least and could care less about anything.  It's challenging.  But you will make it through this intact...not the same, never the same again, but intact...just please take care of you and your needs before worrying about others.  It's imperative.

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