How to parent

[Emeliza]

So I am in month 4 and life is back to normal, although there is nothing  normal going on.  We went from a household of 4 in August to a household of 3 and now with my oldest moving off for college we are at a household of 2.  

My question though is how do we continue to parent?  How do we handle defiant 12 year olds and homework and gymnastics practice and friends over and fights over cleaning or too much screen time?

Some days it is hard enough making sure there is food in the house and it is clean and the dog has been walked.  Now not only do we have to do EVERYTHING on our own, but we have to parent by ourselves with kids who are grieving and hormonal and not sure how to handle life.

I do have my daughter in counseling.  We are now trying it every other week, she was going weekly.  I tried counseling twice myself, but my counselor said I was "just grieving" and ended up cancelling my 3rd appointment because someone with real problems needed the session.  I never went back.  

[KayC]

34 minutes ago, Emeliza said:

my counselor said I was "just grieving" and ended up cancelling my 3rd appointment because someone with real problems needed the session.

Your counselor was obviously NOT a grief counselor!  This really warrants a professional grief counselor that understands grief and know how to proceed and bring you through it.  It's quite a process and very difficult to navigate on your own. Here I posted a link to an article about finding a grief counselor.  The author is a grief counselor and administrator of a grief website, if you write to her, Marty Tousley, she will be able to help you find one in your area.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

I'm glad you have your child in counseling, again, I hope it's a grief counselor not just a regular counselor without grief specialty.  You parent the same way you always did, only now instead of having someone to relieve you or back you up, you're it.  I know that's a lot of weight on your shoulders, you didn't sign on to parent by yourself.  At the end of the day, tell your husband how you're feeling, ask him for signs, for comfort.

[KMB]

Emeliza---it can feel so defeating sometimes when you are left alone to face handling life and kids when you never expected to. You'll find yourself getting stronger mentally with each hurdle you get through. KayC raises some good points with counseling. If possible, find another and try it, even if you have to find even another. I hope you'll find one that you are comfortable and will truly be helpful. and it is helpful and comforting at the end of the day, when you are by yourself, to pour your heart out to your husband, either out loud or by writing a letter. It brings me a sense of calmness when I do that. I feel that he is listening.That is what matters most.

[4Hdad]

My wife passed away in late August and I've found myself a single parent to a 14 year old girl. What I've learned is that she grieves in her own way, on her own terms, and it comes out at odd moments. 

Every kid is different, so they say, but mine seem to be pretty resilient. For the first month, maybe two months, important parenting moments were met with one of two different reactions. She had either a 'I understand and we're in this together' attitude, or she had a 'you're not mom and you don't know what you're talking about' attitude. In the latter case, I've had to put my foot down and adopt my own attitude. "I know I'm not your mom, I'm your dad and what I say is how it's going to be." Only had to do that when there are safety concerns (we have horses, and up until my wife's death I was not really involved). What I've found is that, given time, she comes around to at least understand where I'm coming from and complies, even if she doesn't always agree with me.

I guess I'm lucky that neither of my kids have ever really been the defiant type. 

I also listen for my wife's voice whenever I question my approach with the kids. What I mean is, I have a pretty good grasp on what she would have to say about a given situation, and so I try to that find that to temper my own decisions. It's usually somewhere in-between where I am and where my daughter is. My wife was always the better half when it came to parenting, in my opinion (and probably hers, lol).

Another thing I've found is that being a single parent can become overwhelming very quickly. Truth be told, my wife was never a very good housekeeper, and so keeping up with the house really hasn't changed all that much. In other areas she was a badass rock star goddess that left behind some formidable shoes to fill, but housework, yeah, not so much. One thing that helps both of my daughters and I is having them take responsibility for some of the things their mom handled. It helps to not only have some of the load lifted off of my shoulders, but I also believe it helps to maintain the connection between them and their mom, just doing things themselves that she used to do for them.

I don't know what your situation is like, but for me, I had people offering to lend me a hand left and right and, for the most part, I turned away those offers. I only accepted help sparingly, and only when I felt that I really needed it, but I've come to the point where I have to admit that I can't do it all alone. I'm letting folks lend a hand a little more easily. Admitting defeat is not an option for me, but accepting assistance started to become a little easier when I was able to admit that I was becoming overwhelmed. So, I guess my advice is, don't be afraid to ask for help from folks that you trust.

[Emeliza]

Thanks

Typically speaking, my 12 year old is great.  She has always been the one to say "no", but do what you ask after a couple minutes.  My oldest was the type to say "ok" and either forget or just not do what you asked.

I was a single parent before, so I know how to do it, I just never thought I would have to again.  I haven't had to in so many years. 

I realized a couple days ago that my daughter has had way too much screen time and we got into an argument about it.  It just seemed too much. 

With it being so cold and dark, we are probably just having cabin fever on top of the grieving.  I want to get out and do things, but when it is in the teens, sitting and reading or just sitting sound good. My escape is to read.  I would guess hers is to play mindcraft.

 

[KayC]

4HDad,

I remember when you first posted, you had your hands full with parenting challenges.  It sounds like you're handling it well!  I know the load has to feel daunting at times and challenging at best.  Not only is every kid different, but we ALL handle grief differently.  What feels wrong to one person is completely comfortable to another.
 

Emeliza,

I hear you with the cold and dark, seems all I do is shovel snow anymore and now my back hurts.    Maybe the two of you could try a board game, I know novel idea, huh!  Nowadays kids are all about the electronics but they needs some face to face too and it'd be a way to interact and maybe she could open up a bit with time.  That or make some cookies together and watch a movie while you indulge.