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Loss of a spouse to suicide


Beccalou

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My life changed 27 days ago.  Not sure how to go on, as everything is different.  

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Beccalou---So sorry for your loss. Words are inadequate, I know. You came to a good forum, many compassionate, caring people here. You are free to cry, share your emotions, anything. It can be helpful to express yourself and all that you are feeling. I understand very well, everything is now different for you. everything changed and will never be the same again. Please share ----we are here for you. Prayers and hugs to you.

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I am so sorry for your loss. 

I don't know how the world continues, I just know it does.  Sometimes all you can do is keep breathing. 

My thoughts are with you. 

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Thank you.  I feel so numb that I have to walk outside in the cold to feel again.  I started having panic attacks when I leave my home.  Looking for a grief counselor in my area however no luck so far.

 

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I know those panic attacks so very well. Walking around like a zombie, dealing with brain fog. Loss is such a hard part of life to deal with. Depending on the area where you live, grief counseling can be hard to locate. I found a grief support group that meets once a month out of a hospice about 20 miles away. I was considering meetings through a funeral home in a different direction, also long distance. That one was set up as an 8 week course. Don't understand that concept, grieving cannot be over and done with through a course like school. The grieving process is individual and takes a very long time of hard work.

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I just signed up for this free webinar on anxiety, how well I know anxiety and panic attacks!  I have GAD to start with, throw in loss of husband and it can seem unbearable!
https://my.demio.com/ref/4C6tOUT8I2EeSuAU  Click on Register at the bottom, it gives you a choice of dates/times. Peggy Haymes is great, I've attended her webinars before.
Beccalou,

I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you find a licensed grief counselor that can get you in soon.
This is a good article on finding a grief specialist, if you write Marty Tousley I think she'll be able to offer some suggestions on finding one in your area (she's the administrator and grief counselor at that site):
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html
 

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Of course you're lost---your world was turned upside down and your heart is shattered. I still have plenty of moments where I don't know where to turn or what to do. I just want to be with my husband. I will be when it's my turn, whenever that is. Every day I manage to get through, brings me one day closer to that long awaited reunion. Not supposed to think that way though, since life is a gift and we have a purpose here. But it is how I think of it for now.

I wish you good luck in locating a grief counselor or therapist, even if it is online like KayC suggested. We all need a support system, loss is agonizing enough without having to go through it alone.

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Beccalou, I'm sorry for your loss. 

I lost my wife to suicide due to post-partum depression 2.5 months ago, after 3 weeks of being missing, she was found 1.5 months ago. 

Suicide bereavement of spouse is tough work, and I'm still in the early phase on this path.

I have a psychologist assigned from my employment assistance program, whom I've seen a few times. 
I have just started seeing a suicide-survivor counselor for a couple times.
She told me that the first 3 months is often characterized by shock and emotional numbness.
during the first 3 months (I'm on month 1.5), the numbness can protect you and you may feel ok some days, to the point of going back to work.

She said months 3-6 often can be more difficult, as the shock & emotional numbness wears off, and logistics surrounding the situation (funeral, lawyer, paperwork, tax filing, administration of estate, etc) is gradually completed.  But everyone is different.  Some days I feel I AM experiencing near the full depth of the pain, while some days I feel the pain could get so much worse had I let myself look through our tens of thousands of photos and videos of our 6.5 years of joyous life spent together.

I'll see the counselor again tomorrow, and every week or so for the next year.
It helps me to talk things out, and to have a third-party professional person to talk about ALL of my thoughts, whether negative or Really Dark thoughts.

There is comfort in being able to speak about and face your fears. 

Oh, she also said, be Kind to yourself.
Don't stress and over-do things.
Don't get into situations where your stress level is above 2 out of 10, because in our emotionally vulnerable state, any higher stress may risk you feeling overwhelmed.
We don't need to get ourselves overwhelmed.
Be kind to yourself. 

Take care,

KC

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16 hours ago, KMB said:

I wish you good luck in locating a grief counselor or therapist, even if it is online like KayC suggested.

The link is to an article about finding a grief counselor, it's not to an on line counselor.  The author is a grief counselor and administrator of a grief website.  She would not be the one to counsel, but would point you in the direction of how to find a counselor in your area.  I thought I'd made it clearer, sorry!

 

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Sorry, KayC, I misread your post, you did make it clear the first time. Is Arlie still improving?

KC81---It's heartening that you are accessing what ever help you can find for yourself and sharing it. I only have access to a once a month support group. Grief counselors, therapists, are in the cities, hours away from here.

Beccalou---Keep posting and sharing. Many people here that care and want to help any way they can. Just know we listen and understand.

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KMB,

Arlie has been up and down the last few weeks.  Today okay, tonight, who knows?  He got into the cat food last night (too high fat content) and I anticipated it setting off his Colitis again so I gave him an Immodium, usually I wait until I see he's having problems but that's guaranteed so I decided to do it in advance.  Waiting and seeing.

 

Beccalou,

I hope you will continue to post here.  It really does help to express yourself and know you're heard and understood, which is so hard to have with people who haven't been through it.  We're all here for each other and we'll be here for you.

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Beccalou I can relate too your anguish im going true it my self.my husband passed away December 1 2016 after his death I had so many questions like what happened. This went on for 12 week's when the  result. arrived: Suicide imagine my stupor .now I have more questions more pain more tears .I feel so empty I don't care about tomorrow I have been in pajamas since.been out 4 times .I dont want to see any one's. Know that I found this site that makes me feel I can say any thing.the trick is just let it out dont hang on to your feelings .sorry for your loss.God bless.Mia

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Mia,

I'm  sorry for your loss and your shock in finding out the nature of your husband's loss.  It's unfortunate you were left with all sort of questions in your mind and you feel hurt and betrayed.  You will never truly get 'over' a suicide loss, You get through it, day by day, sometimes, moment by moment.   I hope you find it your heart to forgive him, not because he deserves forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.  Goodbyes hurt the most when the story was not finished.  Don't try to understand everything; sometimes it is not meant to be understood, just accepted.

It is so painful to say goodbye to someone you don't want to let go, but it's more painful to ask someone to stay when they want to leave.  People who die by suicide done want to end their lives, they want to end their pain.  Proverbs 3:5-6 states, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, knowledge him, and he will make your path straight".

May God bless and keep you safe during this difficult time and may you find the strength needed to get you through this.  

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mia, I am so sorry for your loss and what you are dealing with. The knowledge your husband had inner demons ,that desperation and despair he kept from you, has to be horrendous . Please keep posting here. Anything you want to say, to let out and express is OK.  We all understand and you will be heard here. We'll give you the comfort and ears that you need.

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On 1/3/2017 at 2:48 PM, KMB said:

 I still have plenty of moments where I don't know where to turn or what to do. I just want to be with my husband. I will be when it's my turn, whenever that is. Every day I manage to get through, brings me one day closer to that long awaited reunion. Not supposed to think that way though, since life is a gift and we have a purpose here. But it is how I think of it for now.

That's exactly what I've been feeling the last 2 days.  My wife ended her pain from her post-partum depression, what about My pain from losing the love of my life, from my sudden traumatic grief? I feel like I just want to fulfill as much duties and get as many important things done as I can in this life, so I can join her again and end my longing and suffering. 

Fortunately (or unfortunately), I do have a lot of duties to fulfill and causes to work on, that'll probably take me years before I can call it quits.  (Well our baby is only 6 months old..).

Hopefully I'll not be thinking this way by then..

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KC81---I wish I could say the same for myself. Between my husband and I, there are 5 adult children from previous 1st marriages. Our marriage lasted longer than those first ones.

Those adult children are involved in their own lives. My husband's daughter walked away from her brother and I. That is her way of dealing with the loss of her dad. Maybe someday, she'll return. I have accepted her way of dealing, it hurts though. My husband's son lives right next door. He's there if I need him but involved in his own life as well. My own children feel sorry for me, but involved with their own lives as well. I am on my own here. The only ones I have going for me are my pets. The dog has 2 or 3 years left in him. The cat is going on 13. She is an indoor-outdoor cat. She does spend more time indoors now that she is getting older. When they are gone, what then? I'm trying to put focus on purging the clutter from the house, getting my own affairs in order. My existence revolved around my husband and *our* life. I have no interest in doing anything that might set the world into a better place.

i apologize for seeming negative, but it is just the place where I am at now.

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I spent a lot of nights and days sitting in a hospital chair next to my wife.  Sitting in a chair next to her at dialysis.  Lying in bed next to her when she was so ill she couldn't get out of it.  Driving her somewhere in a car when the neuropathy in her feet was so painful she couldn't operate the pedals.  Coaxing her through low blood sugars.

Many of those times, when she was in pain, or frightened, or so sick she couldn't do the things that she wanted to do, I told her I wished it were me.  That I wanted to take the pain from her.  I prayed to be able to do that.  I sat focusing every bit of mental energy I could to make it happen.  I held her hand wishing my strength into her, and trying to draw her sickness into me.

I am finally at a point where I can take that pain for her.  She doesn't have to feel the pain of this loneliness.  She doesn't have to know what it is like to have had the love we shared and go on without the other.  I would have died for her in a moment.  Instead I get the tragic honor of living for her.  But in order to live for her, I must truly live.

The woman I knew wouldn't give up.  Two donor kidneys, an amputated foot, and four new pieces in her heart proved that.  And she was still taking in troubled children and hard cases to the end.  Not only would she not give up, she wouldn't slow down either.  I will take it.  Her pain has passed, and I am glad that she didn't experience this, meager though it may be compared to some of the torture she went through.  I finally have the chance to do what I always said I would, and while thankful isn't the right word for any of us, I am at least relieved that her suffering has ended.

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Herc, I think of my husband and all he went through as well. I used to say to him, many times, that if I had a magic wand and could wave it over him to be healthy again, that I would. I had just said that to him a few days before he passed. I got my wish, but I'm paying the price.

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I don't think you did get your wish, you wanted him healthy, not just out of his pain.  And I wanted the same for my wife of course.  But if that couldn't be, and even us being together as we were couldn't be, I will take this over her suffering without me.

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Herc, As much as we want our spouses back with us, which is an impossibility, we wouldn't want their health conditions to remain with them. I thought i was doing a little better last night. I wrote a letter to my husband and read for awhile until my eyes couldn't handle it and I slept for about an hour. Spent the rest of the night as usual. Tossing, turning, willing myself to go back to sleep. I got up this morning completely dreading another day to get through. My stomach is knotted up, a lump in the back of my throat. The reality hitting that my husband is not here. No usual morning banter--What do you want for breakfast, dear---what are your plans for the day, dear-----. The longest we were ever apart was a week. It has been almost 6 1/2 months. I'm tired. I know my husband's soul is out there, somewhere. No more pain and suffering. But, I am the one suffering. This emotional suffering is unending. I wouldn't want my husband to still be suffering, so I take this on for him, because he is at peace now.

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KMB,

I am so sorry for your suffering, the lack of sleep, and the rough morning.  Those little moments of doing better may be all we get.  Despite the positive way I have been feeling at times recently, it is still very much a roller coaster.  On the way in to work this morning, I had crushing waves of self doubt, the pain of the loss was hitting hard.  I had wandered into our bedroom this morning and instinctively went to kiss her goodbye before I left for work.  I just stood there staring at the empty bed crying.

I am just trying to focus on those good moments when they come, hold on to them as long as possible, and use them as the foundation for building the life I will now have to lead.  I am also accepting that when the bad moments come I need to stop thinking about any future or plans, and just get through those moments.  The difference in my life is so profound.  I cling to shreds of hope and happiness that would have been some of the worst moments in my life 3 months ago, and the lows are absolutely crushing.  I used to be a happy person, laughing and smiling, with a pretty positive outlook on life despite Christine's medical issues.  Now if I can smile two or three times a day, even if there are tears in my eyes while doing it, I count it as a win.

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KMB,

I'm sorry you're tossing and turning...I remember that all too well.  It has been a comfort to me to know that I suffer what my husband does not, that at least he does not have to go through this being alone, trying to make his way through grief.  I gladly take that on if it means it spares him that.

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Herc,

The smiles will come eventually, you're still new in this, it's to be understood you are having a hard time, this is the hardest thing in the world to traverse.

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Herc, KayC---there are no words to describe this whole nightmare. I used to be like you Herc, you also, KayC---always happy, smiling, a positive outlook. Even when my husband's health was in deep decline, i was still that same person. I kept smiling, kept on hoping for something new his doctors would say to us that could help him. My husband faced daily challenges, but we were facing them together. I kept our daily life as light hearted and positive as possible. In the beginning of this nightmare, I though I could do this for my husband, be the person he knew me as, and cope and carry on. I am relieved, if that is the right word, that he is not here in my shoes. This is torture, emotional torture at its worst.

I hope that I can get to a better place of peace. The powers that be have to show mercy at some point.

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KMB,

There is little positive I can say today, it has been a bit of a rough one for me as well.  One moment at a time, with the memory of our loved ones in our hearts.  Try to find those moments of comfort and build on them.

I just thought of one positive, literally while I was typing this.  Most of the "problems" I had previously, seem completely insignificant to me now.  I don't just ignore them, I still solve them as quickly and efficiently as I always have.  They just don't bother me anymore.  Compared with this, the insignificance of a customer who is rude or won't answer their phone, or a coworker who just doesn't seem to know what they are doing is astounding.  At least I am not wasting what little emotional energy I have sweating the small stuff anymore.

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Herc, It's ok. I'm still trying to adjust to what life has forced on me. There are going to be bad moments, bad days. I ended up out in the garage this afternoon and had a crying jag. I do some crying in the house, but it upsets the pets too much. The outdoors is a good place to really let the crying out. No one around here to hear me. I am hard on myself. My husband thought I was the emotionally stronger of the two of us. So, I fight the emotions, the crying, for him. I find myself letting it build up and then the flood comes. It is a cycle I have to break. When I feel the need to cry, I should just do it. I believe my husband would understand that I cannot be strong every minute of the day.

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KMB,

The pets will understand it too.  The cats come running now if I start crying, they just want to be petted and loved.  I actually find it helps to have them around during those times.  Christine would laugh and jokingly call me a pansy, a grown man crying and petting his cats.  But she would also want me to do whatever helps in all of this.  I would bet your wonderful husband never asked you to stop doing something that was good and healthy for you.

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Herc, My cat cries too when I cry inside the house. Cats can get quite loud. Then I feel even worse that she is crying with me. I do feel a tad more stable after the crying jag. I've always been one to keep sad emotions internalized. Blame it on my upbringing with an alcoholic, abusive mother always telling me* to shut up, or I will really give you something to cry about*. I thought I had gotten over that part of my life, but I guess with this extreme loss, some things come back to bite you. My husband was tolerant and patient. he took great care of me. God, I wish he could still be here.

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I get the not crying thing.  My family is stoic.  They deal with the pain by appearing strong through it.  Instinctually that is how I learned to grieve.  I knew the night Christine passed that would not work for me this time.  If I had tried to be stoic through this, I think I literally would have lost my mind by now.  When I was sitting with my side of the family the next night I told them that I planned on embracing my grief.  It has worked better so far I think.

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My mom handles her grief by being strong. When my dad passed she went back to work in less than a week. She didn't ever show much emotion to anyone, not even me. But my mom seems to feel this is how I should grieve too. I feel like she is telling me that I have had a month to be upset so now it's time to suck it up and get back on the train.

The truth is that if I keep taking too many days off of work eventually I may not have a job. So I don't have much choice, but at the same time I still am giving myself permission to take days to just do nothing if I need to, like today. My mom does the mom thing though and tells me I shouldn't take time off and should just keep going because it will "distract me". She tells me to just stay busy. 

I wish I could have a good cry. I can't seem to get any crying out. I feel miserable today. I feel so empty, so full of anguish. It's the worst it's been since she passed. I still do not know how to get through this.

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I know Moms mean well, and want the best for us, but you'll have to grieve your way and not hers.  I applause her for her strength when your dad passed and how she handled her grief, but we are all different.  Love her, listen to her advise, but you know in your heart what works for you.  Stay strong, Be Bless and God speed. 

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19 hours ago, Herc said:

Compared with this, the insignificance of a customer who is rude or won't answer their phone, or a coworker who just doesn't seem to know what they are doing is astounding.  At least I am not wasting what little emotional energy I have sweating the small stuff anymore.

It does tend to put things into perspective, doesn't it.
 

 

21 hours ago, KMB said:

Even when my husband's health was in deep decline, i was still that same person. I kept smiling, kept on hoping for something new his doctors would say to us that could help him. My husband faced daily challenges, but we were facing them together.

Back then you still had hope AND you and he were facing this together as a TEAM.  Now you've lost hope of him living and you're alone in facing his death, his absence.  It IS a lot to chew, it's damn hard!  Right now you aren't finding much to feel upbeat about, it's taking all of your energy to get through this day, and that's okay, it's quite a task, not for the fainthearted, that's for sure, although no one asked us if we were up to this.

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fzald,

Francine said it well, your mom handles her grief HER way but you need to handle your grief YOUR way.  One way isn't right and the other wrong, there is only OUR way.

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KMB,

You describe still feeling happy when he was still here. I know that feeling. Before my girlfriend passed, but when she had gone into a coma, that week I was a little off but I was still me. My happiness was still there. It got mixed with hope, praying for her recovery and thoughts of what I would do when she woke up, everyone I know who knew her situation was also just as hopeful. So I stayed strong. I kept being me because even if she wasn't awake, she was still ALIVE. There was still hope. I even researched what was happening and read that, assuming you survive, the prognosis of full recovery for young people her age is very good. Of course I worried. I worried myself sick at least once, but overall I was still happy. I openly looked at photos of her, listened to her voicemails, all of that. I needed that connection to her at that point. But like I said, as long as she was alive there was hope.

When she died, all of that hope died too. It went from "there's a chance for her" to "she's gone forever." That transition happened in an instant, but a profound, painful transition it was. Hope is one of the things we carry with us to keep us afloat during hard times. When people are in the hospital we hope for their recovery. But death takes all hope for recovery away. There is no hope for their return anymore. The crutch we had broke into tiny pieces and fell away. We fall down and now we have nothing to support us to get up.

So I guess all we can do is crawl, slowly, way slower than we can walk or run. We hoist ourselves along little by little, reaching out for something to grab on to but not finding it. When the crutch of hope breaks, we fall. And that's ok. Maybe someday we will find something else to grab on to and pull ourselves up. But for now we are down. We are crawling painfully. And I suppose even moving at all is something to be thankful for, to see small victories in even moving an inch, even though we used to be able to move miles in a day. 

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1 hour ago, fzald said:

When she died, all of that hope died too. It went from "there's a chance for her" to "she's gone forever." That transition happened in an instant, but a profound, painful transition it was. Hope is one of the things we carry with us to keep us afloat during hard times. When people are in the hospital we hope for their recovery. But death takes all hope for recovery away. There is no hope for their return anymore. The crutch we had broke into tiny pieces and fell away. We fall down and now we have nothing to support us to get up.

I know how you feel, I hoped and prayed that God would not take my husband from this earth.  And I thought, what good was I hoping for.  My priest made me look at "hope" differently.  He said hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness; Hope means Having Only Positive Expectations; Hope  means Hold On Pain Ends; Hope is the only thing greater than fear. Hope anchors the soul.  In Psalm 145:5 states, "They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty, and I will meditate on your wonderful words.".   Hope means expectancy when things are otherwise hopeless.  Hope is the most universal of human possessions. Hope is grief's best music.  Hope is that beautiful place between the way things were, and the way things are yet to be.  Hope is not pretending that trouble and pain doesn't exist; it is the hope that they won't last forever and that we will be led out of the darkness into the sunshine.  Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.  Hope appears on the horizon each morning in the form of brand new day.

We do fall down, but I think we do have a crutch - that crutch is God Almighty.  HE will strength us; answer us; believe in us; bless us; not fail us; provide for us; be there for us, and most of all Love us.  When we feel we can no longer stand, lean on him.  God doesn't give us what we can handle, HE helps us handle what we are given.

At the end of the day, all we need is Hope and Strength; Hope that it will get better, and Strength to hold on to until it does. Hope is the best medicine, and we are all here to give one another that.

Stay strong and be Blessed.  

    

   

   

 

   

 

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On 3/1/2017 at 11:52 AM, Francine said:

hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness

Thank you for that positive message.

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