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Is it okay that I'm still his wife?


Mrs. Plummer

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Mrs. Plummer

Hello dear people, and (((((hugs)))))) for anybody who may want them after a Christmas period that can be so searing - and certainly was for me. It's New Years Day in Australia, and the thought of entering a year without my Ken feels pretty daunting. I'm trying to think of Jan 1 as just another date, but have cried much of the day.

The point of this post is, can I please have some affirmation that it's still okay to think of myself as Ken's wife, and that I can do so forever? :( Because I'm "only" 50, people keep waving the specter of new relationships at me, and for that reason I've also found some of the widowhood literature I've been reading hard going (sections on removal of wedding rings feel like a huge gut-punch, and some of them use terminology like "letting go" and "saying goodbye" in a way I find really problematic). I'm trying not to go into a sense of inadequacy because I want to "hang on." I have a tree and plaque for Ken at beautiful memorial gardens, and I actually feel comforted when I see graves where sweethearts have waited decades to be reunited, and are now lying together. I don't give a **** about other relationships; I don't want one.

One book I've looked at says that for most widowed people, there comes a time when they no longer feel married to their deceased spouse. I bawled myself silly when I read that, but I know I will always want to be Ken's wife and wear my ring. I just couldn't love like that again and I'm finding the responses I've copped from some to be really grating, in the vein of "Oh you say that now but you're a bit dotty because you're grieving - you'll change your tune later." If I'd lost a child, would I go around saying I'm no longer that child's mother? No. Why should it be different because the dead person is my husband of 30 years, so dearly beloved to me?

Can anybody relate? I'm feeling anguished and frightened by any prospect of not being Ken's wife, and further, being judged as choosing to remain mired in grief because I want to be his wife forever.

Thankyou for your time in reading,

Louise

 

 

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claribassist13

Louise, 

I'm not going to pretend to know all the answers, and I am not going to pretend to know what your situation feels like either. 
My fiance and I never had the chance to be married, let alone for as long as you and your husband were together. 

Honestly, we can't say what the future will hold for us. We may say we never want another relationship and that may be how our lives go. We may also decide to engage in another relationship. However, we cannot accurately predict the future or how we will feel at that point in our lives. While the thoughts you are having are extremely important and valid, they are simply questions/concerns that you will not know the answers to until you reach that point in your life. 

Of course it is still okay to think of yourself as his wife! 
When children leave their parent's homes, do the parents cease to be parents? Absolutely not. 
Just because your husband is no longer physically here with you does not make you any less of a wife. 
Don't take off the ring if you don't want to. Wear it every day if you want. Wear in on your finger, on a necklace chain... Whatever you want!

I believe that in time we will all have a clearer understand of the direction our lives will take. If that means new relationships, great. If not, that's great as well.
Just because you are 50 and still young doesn't mean you are obligated to find someone else to spend the rest of your life with. But if you do choose that, that won't make you any less of Ken's wife. There is always going to be a part of you that is Ken's wife. He was a huge portion of your life and there is nothing that can take that away from you.

Our situations are very different, but I can relate to your struggle. I was 20 when my fiance died, and the expectation to start dating again is unbelievable. But I refuse to give in to societal pressures.   It's not often that you find that person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and that is a loss that must be fully grieved. 

So, in the words of a good friend of mine: "flip them the bird and let your ring sparkle". 

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I am still married and think I will always consider myself married to my husband.  I hated it at the social security office when they said my marriage ended on 8/18/2016 because it hasn't ended.  

And I am 38, so I get all kinds of people who seem to think I will get married again and so on and so forth.  I just politely ask them to stop talking like that and if they don't, I quit talking to them and walk away.

So as clari said, just do what works for you.

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Louise,

I think Ken would be honored. Love like that isn't one sided either. I imagine Ken will be waiting as well.

If I may... there is a scripture that speaks of a type of love that seems to be the love you speak of having for Ken.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-13.                         

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.

11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Wishing You and Ken eternal happiness,

Tim

 

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It is absolutely fine to always consider yourself Ken's wife! Death may end marriage on paper, but it can't touch the love in your heart. I am 57, my  Bill passed 4 1/2 months ago. I never intend to remove my rings, or get married again. It's not something I think about. The few times someone has mentioned it I simply state that I'm not interested and there are more important things that consume my mind. I don't think your feeling this way is "hanging on" nor should it make you feel inadequate. It's simply how you feel and that's ok. It's not anybody's business to tell you how to feel or that what you feel is wrong. If it feels right to you, that's all you need. 

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Louise,

Neither of you did anything to bring about the end of your marriage.  I remember when the social security office declared our marriage ended the same week he died, I bawled so hard coming home I had to stop off at a friend's house to pull myself together.  As long as you consider yourself his wife, you still are!  I still wear my wedding band, and it's been 11 1/2 years.  I find comfort in it.  On legal forms you're no longer married but that's a mere formality we have to endure, as far as our hearts are concerned, we can still be married.  It's our choice!

For people to be trying to shove other relationships at you is inappropriate and I'd tell them so...tell them if you change your mind you'll let them know, that should shut them up.

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Louise---Follow your heart and do what you feel is right for you. Other people are not walking in your shoes. I turned 57 a few weeks after my husband passed. Others have said that I'm still young and will find someone else. I don't want anyone else. Why does society think we should all be paired up? Yes, I'm lonely and I don't know the future but I'm lonely for my husband who was just perfect for me. He is still here, spiritually. I am still his wife in my heart and always will feel that way. The love did not die with his physical body. It is still very much there. Marriage is a union of 2 souls in love. God sanctioned that union. That is what counts. That piece of paper is just what society needs for validation and legalities of the way this world is set up with all of it's rules and policies. To the world, I'm a widow, technically single. But for me, I'm still my husband's wife because he is still here, just in a different realm of life, just around the corner, where it'll take me awhile to catch up to him. This is supposed to be the year that people will be more awakened and tune into spirituality. Our personality and souls do survive physical death. God gives us eternal life, I choose my own beliefs in order to cope and continue on. God gave me and my husband the opportunity to find and love each other. I'm going to honor that and I don't care what other people think.

So, Louise, you are not wallowing away the rest of your life in grief. You are making a choice of free will. If your heart tells you that you are still Ken's wife, you will be. You will be doing other things in your life but will also be honoring Ken with your love and commitment. He'll be waiting for you when you are finally able to catch up with him around that long corner into Heaven.

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Mrs. Plummer

Thankyou for your responses, all. I I'm going to take your advice and just nip all such conversations about potential future relationships in the bud. No, we can't say what the future holds, but what is certain is that I will always love Ken, Ken first and last. I think I'm bothered by this talk because my plan is also to be with my Ken when I die and nobody else. It troubles me because it feels threatening to the ongoing connection I want to have with him, and that I'm trying to build. Rather than being interested in any new relationship, I want to grow and develop THIS relationship with Ken who has passed into a different realm - a widowed friend of mine calls it the "New Look" relationship, and I really like that. Last night I imagined Ken having a conversation about me in afterlife - would  he refer to me as his ex-wife? No - it would be "wife." I am so glad for those of you who quite unapologetic about still being married to your blokes and keeping your rings on. It's actually none of anybody else's business, is it? Electing to have no other relationship is as valid as electing to have one. Lord, I'm so new to this - I am going to try to give myself permission to go in the directions that are right for me, without worrying about "right"or "wrong." Even if books on grieving do have definitions of what is "healthy" or not. One of my most acute areas of fragility at the moment is not trusting Louise - if I think it or perceive it, it must be wrong. After all, I though Ken was going to get well; he had surgery for cancer in July and I thought he was recovering, not that the cancer had come roaring back to metastasize the ;length and breadth of him  almost as soon as they sewed him up, and that he'd be dead by November.... what a process, huh?

 

xxoo

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Don't have a choice but to keep surviving each day. God still has a plan for us. God and Heaven is all about love. My husband is no longer physically here, but I feel I can build on that love by doing my best here and doing it for my husband since he no longer can. He can send me love from Heaven and I can use that as a bridge to keep it strong. Don't know if any of that makes sense in the wording---

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I agree with everyone else. Its absolutely okay. 
I can also relate to people sort of expecting you to find someone else. I wasn't married, but I'm 30 so of course I also have a couple people asking me already if/when I plan to start dating again (it only just happened in November!). Our society sort of seems to see that as a sign of "moving on".    I don't know if that's true or not. I don't know if it's different with age, or different with marriage. I'm new to this loss, but I would it's about what you feel comfortable with and what feels right to you and you can think of your relationship the way you see it.  

i think also the new relationship idea is for the other people too, that they want us to "have someone else" and be happy and not be alone. I think it makes them feel comforted to think that we will find someone else to fill some of the hole left by our partner, or the fact that we are looking means we have healed more than if we are not looking. 

I know for me, right now, I have no interest in someone else. I dont think I can love anyone else like that or feel that comfortable or loved with someone else. I dont think it would be fair to someone else either because I wouldn't feel that way.  Also, while he never proposed, we were together for 4 years, his mom found a ring when she was clearing out his things (which i now wear) and I dont ever want to take off, and that symbolism alone i think sums it up.

so, long story short (too late)  i dont know if my age, or not being married makes a difference, but i understand the pressure people put on you to find a new relationship. I actually felt offended, the first time someone mentioned it. 

do what feels right to you. not someone else. it was your and his relationship, not anyone elses.
 

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I removed my wife's wedding ring from her finger the morning I found her. This was just before the coroners were telling me they had to remove her from our home. I slipped it onto my own, and that's where it will stay.

I'm with you in that we can't predict the future. Maybe, someday, someone will come along and change the way I feel about the world. But for me, for now, all I can say is that I've had my true love ripped away from me, and there is no one who will ever take her place. 

I'm fortunate that none of my friends or family are so bold or stupid as to think I could just move on so quickly. To be honest, I have given some thought as to what the future may bring. Truth is I'm still fairly young (48) and I may yet have a bunch of years ahead of me. So yes, the thought of what that might look like has crossed my mind - and every time it has, it felt like a betrayal on my part to the memory of the woman I love. 

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1 hour ago, 4Hdad said:

I'm fortunate that none of my friends or family are so bold or stupid as to think I could just move on so quickly. To be honest, I have given some thought as to what the future may bring. Truth is I'm still fairly young (48) and I may yet have a bunch of years ahead of me. So yes, the thought of what that might look like has crossed my mind - and every time it has, it felt like a betrayal on my part to the memory of the woman I love. 

I haven't had anyone suggest I start dating yet, but they talk as if it is inevitable.  

We hadn't any real plans on death and we both assumed I would go first. I wanted cremation and he wanted to be buried, so we had decided my ashes could just go in his casket.  Didn't happen that way.  So when I was deciding on plots, people suggested I not get 2, in case I remarry.  This was just shortly after he passed---I bought his and had a hold on mine.  I didn't have the money right away.

Same thing with the headstone, don't get a double, you might get remarried. Ugh!!!  I didn't get a double, but that was cost and not knowing what to put on it for both of us.  I did buy the plot.  I will still get cremated, but probably have my ashes buried.  

Anyway, I think people assume since I am in my late 30s, I will just meet someone else.  My husband would probably want that, but I recoil at the thought right now.  I hate being alone, but I don't hate it enough to want someone else.

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I remember when my Dad died a couple years ago, my Mom called me crying because she didn't want to remove her wedding ring after wearing it more than fifty years. I told her there was no reason to take it off because it is really a signal to other people that your heart is taken and so as long as that remains true, the ring should remain.

When my husband went in for his last surgery, he gave me his ring since they insisted he take it off (for good medical reasons) and I put it on my necklace for safekeeping. It has remained there ever since and now I am thinking of taking it to a jeweler to have it incorporated into a pendant I can wear. My wedding ring remains on my finger where he placed it so many years ago. When I had surgery and had to remove my ring, I had him put it back on my finger afterwards because I had never had it off. 

I will wear my ring without apology so long as my heart tells me to, and other's opinions on the subject don't affect me one way or the other. My heart still belongs to Jack and my left fourth finger will proudly state that to anyone who looks.

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19 hours ago, Mica said:

it's about what you feel comfortable with and what feels right to you

 

19 hours ago, Mica said:

do what feels right to you. not someone else. it was your and his relationship, not anyone elses.

Spot on!!

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