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Loss of married lover


Numb and Lost

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Numb and Lost

I came to this forum because I feel I have nowhere else to go. I hope to find someone in a similar situation that understands. If you think terribly of me please don't say anything as I already hurt enough. I'm not a terrible person I just made a mistake that I am now paying consequences for. I am grieving alone. I had an off and on affair for 5 years. I loved him so much. He made me feel a way there are simply no words to describe when I looked him. He broke it off one time and there were times I felt I should due to guilt but I wasn't strong enough. We always came back, and recently it was better than ever. I know he felt the same because of the way he looked at me, but we never said it. That unresolve hurts the most. He text me Wed and I couldn't respond. He died Friday before I ever could. Obviously I couldn't go to the funeral. I couldn't have gone anyway cause I couldn't get out of bed. I've lost 7 pounds in a week and I can't eat without getting sick. I wish there was one person who knew about me I could talk to. I'm sure there is but I don't know who. I met him before he was married but I was. I wouldn't give in although he gave me those feelings then too. I ran into him in a few years later and he was married and still I didn't give in, but then I ran into him everywhere at stop signs, malls-him and his wife coming out and my husband and I going in, on highway beside me in his vehicle an hour away from where we even live. It was crazy how that happened. I gave in. So it started dec 11, and ended dec 2016 when he was killed in an accident. There were long periods in that five years we didn't talk because we were trying to do the right thing, but he was always on my mind and I feel I was on his too. More recently we talked more than we ever did though. I feel like I'm dying inside. I even hurt for his wife my heart aches for her and I wonder if she is ok. His 3 year old little girl is so young she won't remember him. Recently we became fb friends which was kind of risky. But it made me feel so good, connected. I thought even if we ever stop seeing each other or talking we would be connected and I would know he is alive in the world and well. It breaks my heart to look at his page now. I am glad we were talking and planning to see each other when he died even though it hurts so much. The craziest part of all this is a few months ago I dreamed I looked at fb and someone posted "RIP Brother you will be missed" and his name. I woke up panicked and thought to myself that is one thing I couldn't handle. Well that is exactly how I found out he died. He text me and I couldn't wait to call him back the next week but he died two days later. I looked at fb and it said "you will be missed" and his name. It was the first thing I saw when I looked on fb. It's surreal and I can't believe I'm even typing this and that any of it is real. I would give anything just to have the chance to respond to that text and ask him how he felt. In my heart I know, but I never asked. I even lied about my feelings not too long ago but I'm confident he knew I was lying. I might add my husband hasn't a drug problem. He does well for a while but then relapses. So I have that on top of it all. I'm so broken. I don't feel like I can ever feel happy again. He's in the back of every thought I have. When I do start to get my appetite back I think "well he can't eat" and I lose it. I had worried about this before. I had thought "what if he died." I can't  believe something I worried about and dreamed about has come true. I just can't believe it. I know it's real but I just don't accept it. I keep thinking oh he will call me in a few weeks. But he won't. I can't believe this is happening. The worst part is I have no one to cry with that loved him also, no one to share memories with. That's is my fault and I'm so sorry. I feel like this is all my punishment.

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Numb and Lost----I just replied to you on another post. So sorry. You must be feeling so alone in this---no one to talk to without revealing the true circumstances. You have nothing to feel guilty of, you fell in love. You are not being punished. Life happens and we have no control over anything. You found this forum and you are sharing your pain. This is a safe place for expressing all the feelings. It can be very therapeutic to write out everything and release those emotions. Prayers and hugs.

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Don't worry about it. I wasn't sure what to do either and still don't. I am self taught as far as computers go. I still mess up if I want to *quote* something someone said that had an effect on me. I wanted to post a pic of my husband and I, messed it up and then just decided to forget it.

This is a great forum for sharing and finding comfort when you are unable to find it with people otherwise.

Hang in there----

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Numb and lost,

In regards to what you referred to as the affair, ... the heart wants what the heart wants.

I'm sorry that you feel so isolated and alone in your suffering. Everyone deserves the right to mourn . I am at a loss with any great wisdom for you. I am just another fellow human being who is saying I hear you, I understand what you are saying, and I certainly do not judge or condemn you. It is always good to talk through things. You may find going to a private counselor or a breavement group to be good medicine. Perhaps not. Maybe long walks on wooded paths will help. Time is the key and time can be a cruel task master. Learn to compartmentalize. Focus greater on your day and the duties involved. Set aside a specific time to mourn your friend. Have a star named after him https://star-name-registry.org/index?gclid=Cj0KEQiAy53DBRCo4en29Zvcla0BEiQAVIDccysqz9ACwz8ya4NxnErcjfyRQZS0eV-H4QQ3U_4u8kIaAjpE8P8HAQ

I wish you health and well being along your journey. I have felt/dealt with the devestating emotional carnage of the "sudden" loss of a friend and lover. It can be a dark, lonley place. Be kind to yourself as he would have you be. 

Best wishes,

Tim

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Mrs. Plummer

Love and grief don't choose which people are allowed to feel them and under what circumstances, Numb. I feel so much for you, and hope you have one or two good and non-judgmental friends who can allow you to grieve.

 

Take care,

 

Louise

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Numbandlost,

Tim offered some good suggestions.  It'd be good to go to a specialized grief counselor, it'd not only validate your feelings but they could help you know where to start.  compartmentalizing is when we hold it together so we can work but let ourselves feel it when we're alone, cry, etc.  It's a way of survival.
You won't find judgment here, we are all grieving.  You didn't cause his death, nor did he, it just happens...it happened to all of us left here by the person we love.

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Numb and Lost

Thank you all so much. I have thought about seeing a grief counselor or maybe even going to a psychologist. I feel like there is nothing that can help me but I pray that there is. Everyone says that time helps and I pray it does. Right now of course I feel like I have a long life ahead of me to feel this way as I'm only 33. I felt like time was going by too fast before and now I feel like it can't go by fast enough. I know I shouldn't feel that way I have two children I love so much. I wondered if mornings were really bad for anyone else. In the morning I hurt the most when I wake up. I guess when I open my eyes I forget for a split second so when it hits me it hits hard, and I get nauseated. Maybe it's because he died in the morning. One thing keeps playing over and over in my head. It was a FaceTime call. He said "why haven't we done this before it might be the only way we get to see each other" we hadn't seen each other in a while and were having trouble arranging it. It was the last time I saw his face besides a picture. Also he told me he bought a motorcycle and I said "please don't die on it" he kind of laughed like I was crazy for saying that and said "what." That's how he died. But the part I replay the most over and over and over is he said "Smile, what's wrong why aren't you smiling?" And I said "it's because I can't see you" (the screen was freezing up from my end) everytime I cry I hear him saying that again  "smile, why aren't you smiling" and I again say to myself, "it's because I can't see you"

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Reality hits us in the face for all of us in the morning. It's the reason why I stay in bed longer. My husband also liked to see me smile and be happy. Maybe someday I will again. For now, the forced, fake face is put on when I'm around others. Makes it easier to cope so others don't give me their opinions on where they think I should be in this.

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Numb and Lost

Yeah I'm still in bed right now. I haven't been able to get up before 12 or 1. My husband just thinks something is wrong with my stomach, which it is I think I might have created a stress ulcer. I just can't imagine ever being okay. Everything I did in life for so long was with him in mind. Every hairstyle, outfit, every song I listened to. I just feel like I can't go on. I am having a really hard time with acceptance. I just can't believe I will NEVER see him again. I am a Christian (yes one who sinned) so I've been reading what the Bible says about heaven. I know we can't fathom what heaven holds or how we will feel but I'm scared he won't know me there. If memories of sin are wiped away then he won't know me. 

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I believe our loved ones are always watching over us from Heaven. Souls recognize each other. Have you thought about confessing to your husband? You are carrying all the guilt and the grieving. It might manifest into something too big for you to contain. If your husband truly loves you, he'll understand and forgive you.

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Numb and Lost

I don't feel I could ever tell him. I would be scared to tell him. He has a really bad temper and I know he would turn to drugs. Then that would just intensify pain for me. He is a good person but if he abuses drugs he's kind of scary. That's a whole other story and problem. Sometimes I wish I could but there just isn't any way I could tell him. At the same time I get scared when he leaves the house. I don't like him to leave. 

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If you did tell him and he turned back to the drugs, it would be his free will choice in handling the situation. You would not be forcing him to make that choice. Every one has a choice in reacting and responses. I feel sorry for you --- God will show you the way.

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Numb and Lost

Thank you. I continue to pray for God's guidance. As far as my husband I just don't think I can go through any more pain.

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Mrs. Plummer

You've said that your husband, has a bad temper, Numb - if you feel that he would become violent to you, that is a very good reason for not telling him. Please stay safe, and do what feels right for you, okay? I do think that a grief counsellor might help - that's something you may want to look into when you're ready.

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Missing Jack

Heh there,

Just wanted to add support to you, and what other's have already stated.  As KayC mentioned, Tim has offered excellent advise. Lots of wise and caring souls here, and they are on the mark in what they have written. Hopefully reaching out here has given you, at least to some small degree, a bit of relief with the reality of your sudden and difficult loss, and the harsh emotions and  burden that you are now carrying alone. 

Try to eat something. Small meals. small steps. You are correct in your evaluation, to resist any temptation for, "fessing up" at home or with anyone else  in your "walk about world," If and when that time comes, there may come a time for this, but that time is not now. The last thing needed, is someone coming down on you or lecturing you for any reason. Your pain and your grief is as real as any other. It is valid and it is unique to you.

A trained therapist for guidance, or wise spiritual guide could prove to be invaluable to you, on many levels.

The first thing you may realize is that you, and your situation, is not at all strange, or unusual. Other's do and have had, experience in this. The important thing now, and immediate priority, is to get yourself together as best you can manage, and as Tim has mentioned, do so as quickly as possible. That is going to be the most difficult step. Making your new beginning. You can only benefit, from an objective, non judgmental, trusted third party, to help you work through this most difficult time. No judgment here at all. I know from my own life experiences , the most extreme and harshest judgments, usually come from within us.

 

God Bless You, Kindest Regards,

Michael

 

 

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Missing Jack---Nicely worded posting. I worry about Numb, since in life, things do have a way of coming out, going full circle. Professional guidance would perhaps be the first step, to give her a firmer foundation for what might come to light down the road. Don't want to talk about you Numb behind your back----just concerned that you are able to keep your grief as confidential from your real world as possible.

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Missing Jack

Indeed, well said KMB. 

Great to "see you." Have enjoyed your responses and kind words a great deal.

Blessed New Year To You and All,

Michael

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Missing Jack

Dear Numb,

I found something that may be of value to you, in the story's of others who have had your experience. At the very least you can read and hear from others that are walking in your shoes a bit. BTW, KMB raises very good points and has valid concerns. I think that this is another reason to seek out help as quickly as possible as Tim has suggested, so that if, God forbid, something else comes at you unexpectedly, you will already have a solid support system in place.

Hope That This Helps,

Michael

 

 

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Numb and Lost

Thank you all. Reaching out here has definitely helped me, just to talk to people that understand what I'm feeling. No one can begin to comprehend what grief actually does until it happpens to them. I think I will set something up with a counselor/psychologist Tuesday when places are open again. I'm trying to do my crying in the shower as much as possible to hide it. I didn't want to take any medicine either but I may have to just to stop the pain I have sometimes in my chest and feeling like I can't breathe or get up. I haven't been to his grave and I can't decide if that will help or hurt. 

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We are here to help each other. Life can seem unfair and unkind when we are faced with tragedies. Prayers and hugs to you.

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Numb and Lost
8 hours ago, Missing Jack said:

Dear Numb,

I found something that may be of value to you, in the story's of others who have had your experience. At the very least you can read and hear from others that are walking in your shoes a bit. BTW, KMB raises very good points and has valid concerns. I think that this is another reason to seek out help as quickly as possible as Tim has suggested, so that if, God forbid, something else comes at you unexpectedly, you will already have a solid support system in place.

Hope That This Helps,

Michael

 

 

Thank you. I clicked on the link and read the story. I wish I could talk to her. I actually used to be on Experience Project. I was on there for comfort during a time we weren't seeing each other. I hate that site is down it was a good one.

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Numb and Lost,

I remember reading a Dear Abby years ago about a similar situation.  She advised against telling.  She said if it was to expunge your guilt at his expense, then it was wrong to put that on him.  I don't know if I agree or disagree, just a different point of view, but if he has a potential of violence, I wouldn't invite that.  You're scared of him leaving because once you've lost someone close to you, it's on your mind that you could lose someone else.  We don't view life the same way anymore, it's like an innocent trust was stolen from us the day they died.  It's hard.

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Numb and Lost

KayC yeah I don't have any intentions of telling him I know he wouldn't react well. I definitely don't view life the same anymore. I loved life. Everything. The outdoors, being busy, loved to run and workout now I just feel like an empty shell trying to get from one day to the next.

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I wouldn't suggest telling as it won't help or fix anything.  

And even when everyone else understands your pain and grief and sort of understands the loss, it doesn't make you feel less devastated or alone.  I am only saying this because I know how much you want the comfort of someone you love to talk about it to, but even for those of us that have that, it isn't enough, it still aches to our very core.  I think that is why we gravitated here.  We all know what it feels like.  This loss is different than a parent or child or close friend.  Those losses are just as awful and the grief is just as hard and real, but it is very different.  

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Numb and Lost

True Emeliza, The only person I could tell that I think would benefit me is if he had a close friend he confided in and told him about us. If he could tell me anything about what he said about me it would almost be like hearing from him once more and resolving something I wasn't able to resolve while he was here. People keep saying I have to accept reality, he's gone he isn't here I have to move on. Well I want to feel better but I don't want to move on. I don't want to forget him or how he made me feel. I'm already terrified of forgetting his voice. Right now I am angry. I'm angry at everything the sky the grass, my kitchen table just anything I look at I'm just angry. It hurts so much I don't see how I can go on and ever be happy again. I feel like a terrible mother right now. I just never thought he would be gone. Not at 35 years old! It just isn't fair. I keep thinking he's still here even though I know he isn't. It's a feeling I can't describe but I'm sure you all understand. Y'all might be all I have. 

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Numb and Lost

I don't have anything to hold on to. I thought about getting one of those small necklaces meant to hold a tiny amount of ashes. He is buried but I could either get a little dirt from the burial site, or some dirt from the place we met most. Sounds stupid but it would just be something to hold. My friend thought it sounded a little morbid. Course he was never alive where he was buried so I don't know what comfort that would given me. I just want something. I wish I had a hat or sunglasses. It's just awful. I'm fixing to try go to sleep in a little bit and I fear going to sleep because of the terrible reality that hits in the morning I talked about earlier.

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Numb, 

I'm sorry for your loss.  Not having somebody to talk to is rough. 

I understand wanting to have an item to remember him, but it doesn't have to be something that was physically his. 

For example,  tonight I just ordered an owl decal to put on the bow of my kayak. For me it's a reminder that Terry, my partner I lost,  is watching over me. 

It's a long story...

One afternoon we were driving on a little country road and two big white owls were sitting on the guard rail. As we approached,  one owl flew into a nearby tree,  but the other stayed. 

I pulled over next to the owl on the guardrail, which was on the passenger side.  Terry and the owl were face to face,  just a couple feet apart, staring at each other for a minute or two before we drove off.

This happened a few years ago,  but she was always fascinated by this moment and would often talk about that owl. 

Recently, when she was admitted to the hospital,  I brought a small plush owl to her room. It had big eyes.  I told her the owl was to watch over her for me when I'm not there. 

She liked it and always made sure the nurses kept it within site. 

I had that plush owl at the funeral home visitation next to a picture collage I made of Terry.   Somebody asked about it,  and I told them the same story.  They replied that now the owl can watch over me for Terry. 

So,  now I'm starting to collect owls as a reminder. I unexpectedly found owl drink coasters at a sporting goods store going out of business. They are now on my coffee table. 

I'm going to get some kind of owl for in the car, and one to have on me. I haven't figured out exactly what yet. 

Whether I am home,  driving,  or kayaking, I'll see an owl and know Terry is watching over me. 

I have plenty of her possessions,  Numb, but they are not needed to hold onto her.

 I'm sure there is something the two of you shared that can be used as a reminder.

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Numb and Lost---You have memories to hold onto. While they are not something material, you still have them and no one else does. Put those memories in a special part of your heart. They will always be there for you.

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Numb and Lost

I'm absolutely losing it today. I thought I was a little ok but I'm sitting in my car in a parking lot and I feel like I'm suffocating. I really don't know how to get past this it just gets worse. I called a psychiatrist and earliest apt is March. So I'm just sitting here in my car and I don't know what to do. 

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Numb and Lost---Grief counselor or grief therapist---other choices?  Sorry you are having a rough time----just focus on breathing.

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17 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I thought about getting one of those small necklaces meant to hold a tiny amount of ashes. He is buried but I could either get a little dirt from the burial site, or some dirt from the place we met most.

I think it sounds like a great idea!  I understand your wanting something physical to hold to connect you to him.  It's possible he talked to a close friend about you, but who knows, he may have kept that just between the two of you.  I realize he didn't want the secret out, he didn't want to hurt his family, I understand that, neither did he know he was going to die and things would go like this.

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I don't know if you saw this from the other post, but this is the other person going through something similar:
http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/9567-lost-my-best-friendlovesoul-mate-somewhat-complicated/#comment-110904

A grief counselor would really be helpful to you.  I wouldn't wait for two months to get in, you need an appt. this week!
I like KMB's mentioning that you have your memories, no one can take that away.  Was there some place the two of you visited together?  A restaurant you could go back to as your memorial place?  IfHis gravesite might be a place you could go to as well.

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Numb and Lost

Well I found a place to see me tomorrow, and my regular doctor gave me xanax to get through today which has really helped more than I thought it would. I don't know anything about the place it's just the only one I can get an apt. I am just struggling so so much. I'm struggling with wondering how he even felt about me. There have been rumors about previous affairs during his marriage. He was very very good looking and I know women threw themselves at him. He even told me he had a sex addiction problem so I wouldn't doubt it. But I feel like just the fact he confided in me that means a lot.  But I also know how he looked at me and how he was around me and I just can tell believe for a second I wasn't important to him. For so many reasons in my heart I know he felt for me. I don't even know if the rumors are true the source isn't very reliable. I know he was a good guy with good intentions and a good heart. Sometimes people just want to say bad things about someone that was so well liked and also so good looking. There was a place we met at a lot. I started to go there but just didn't know if I could. Today I honestly forgot for a minute he was gone and thought well I'll just ask him. I never thought I really would forget and have thoughts like that. 

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I'm glad you were able to make an appointment and get through today.

 You may have more days like today, but you'll get through them. 

For the first couple weeks,  I caught myself many times thinking "oh,  I have to tell Terry about this", before I  realized a moment later that she's gone.  Just little mundane things that would happen throughout the day. 

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It's common to forget for a moment that they're gone and want to tell them something and then have it hit you all over again.  That happens a lot in the beginning, after a while it sinks in to you that they're gone.
I'm glad you have an appointment, I hope youlll let us know how it goes.

Try not to listen to what others say, what was between you was between you, don't doubt it now, accept it for what it was.  I'm sure he never meant for you to end up hurt like this, he couldn't have begun to know he'd die.

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Numb and Lost

I feel like I'm doubtful if everything now like I don't even know if I meant anything to him. He's not here so I can't feel it or ask him like I should have when I could. I'm starting to feel just this weird numb confused feeling with bouts of total breakdown. 

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If you didn't doubt it before he died, why would you doubt it now?  It sounds like you must have had insecurities about your relationship to start with as death does not change our love.  Hang on to what you remember about it.

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2 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I feel like I'm doubtful if everything now like I don't even know if I meant anything to him. He's not here so I can't feel it or ask him like I should have when I could. I'm starting to feel just this weird numb confused feeling with bouts of total breakdown. 

I felt that way too. It was the worst feeling.  I had never doubted my husbands love.  I had never questioned if he was happy with me.  I had never worried that he was only with me because of the kids.  I KNEW he loved me fully and 100%.

But right after he passed I started all this self doubting.  I started questioning everything.  Beating myself up over stupid arguments we had.  Worrying about his love for me and if he still loved me in the after life.  Worrying that as time when on and we were apart he wouldn't love who I became (as we all change some).  I questioned it all.  It was awful.  The insecurity that was all the sudden so prevalent in my life was sending me over the edge and I had no one to talk about it to.  And it really didn't help that everyone kept talking about how he was happy now and in a better place.  I was/am miserable without him.

But like Kay said, I didn't question it before, there was/is no reason to question it now.  When doubts start to weigh me down, I find old cards or notes or emails he sent and re-read them.  I hang on to what I knew was true.

It is easier now to know he loved me.  Not always, but mostly.  I hope you find comfort in knowing those dumb doubts are normal or at least others have felt them.

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I feel that the worrying, self doubting and questioning comes with the circumstances and the emotional overload. I felt the same way after my husband passed. I asked a couple of my husband's friends if there was anything he said about me, if he was unhappy. My husband was totally in love with me and happy, just as I was/am with him. Everyone we knew could see our devotion to each other just like they could see how well I was doing my best in taking care of him. I kept thinking, did he give up the fight with his health because he was unhappy. Of course not! He was trying his hardest to stay here with me. His heart gave out. Nothing could have fixed that. It was simply his time to go to Heaven. Someday it will be my turn also, but God knows the reason why I am still here and will reveal that plan when it is the right time. I constantly struggle to get through each day. Nights are the worst, unable to sleep no matter what. The night stand is cluttered with various sleep aids. None work for more than an hour. I am stuck with this new *normal* for now, maybe someday it will get a little easier.

Don't ever doubt your significant others love. It was there and will always be there. We carry the love in our hearts forever. Regrets, arguments, guilts,all of that is forgotten, forgiven, when in Heaven. It was all just part of the life experience here with all the human emotions involved. The only emotion in Heaven is love.

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Numb and Lost

It's just with our situation it's hard. He loved his wife and I loved my husband and neither of us wanted to break up our children's homes, but the way I loved him is different. It's that indescribable kind. He just simply made me happy in a way I wasn't before. His existence made me happy. My prayer is that there may be someone at some point that can tell me how he felt so I can "hear" it from him. He had so many friends and was liked by so many I don't know who might have been a best friend. Lots were friends with his wife also. I do know one or two but don't know if they were close enough he might confide that. Yesterday I just went and parked for a min where we used to meet and picked up an acorn off the ground just to have something. I opened my Facebook up to this today.

IMG_8437.PNG

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Numb and Lost---do not doubt your feelings for him or what he felt for you. It was real and your grief is real.

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Numb and Lost

I've been mostly keeping the radio off in my car because I just don't want to hear it. I turned it on this morning and this song is what was on.

IMG_8742.PNG

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Numb and Lost
21 minutes ago, Emeliza said:

I hope this gave you great comfort.  I think it was a great sign sent to you.

Thank you that's what I want to think too. It gave me a lot of comfort, although of course it made me cry too. But I have been praying that if God could just let me know somehow that I would see him again and he would know me I would be ok. I had just asked God to tell him I missed him. 

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God knows everything about us, our thoughts and feelings. After all, he created us. Just keep praying and God will hear you and pass on messages to those we know in Heaven. Our loved ones souls will recognize us when it is our turn to return *home*. You will see your love again.

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