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Loss of married lover


Numb and Lost

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Numb and Lost

I hope so. I guess the situation makes me question if he will know me or not, since the relationship itself was sin. I just tell myself things over and over to keep me from just collapsing with grief. I start thinking about how he isn't here and isn't coming back and then I tell myself to think about him in heaven and try to push the bad thoughts out. Its hard to do though. People say "you can't just give up" and it's not like I want to give up and I just can't feel ok. I can't stop crying and shaking sometimes. I know it's early. But I feel like I won't ever be myself again. I can't imagine how I could. He's been in the back of every thought I've ever had since I met him. 

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Numb and Lost, he will know and remember you when you get to Heaven. Why do you doubt that? You two met and fell in love.Our lives and loves are not forgotten in Heaven. Personally, you fell in love with someone outside of your marriage and I don't believe it was a sin. If it is, God is the one who forgives. We can't help who we choose to fall in love with. Everything you are going through emotionally is part of the grieving. You loved someone who got called back to Heaven and of course you will never be the same. You will gain strength and grow from the experience. I know it is hard to see and understand, but it will evolve for you over time.







 

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Numb and Lost

I hope so. I'm just not a strong person when it comes to something like this. Everyone says time will heal, and it hasn't been long. I don't believe that now but maybe it will. Right now I get through the day by telling myself this life is temporary and is "but a mist."

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Numb and Lost, None of us think we are strong when facing this tragic loss in our lives. But, clearly, there has to be something inside of ourselves that has us still here day after day continuing on.

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It's not time alone that heals, but what we do with it.  That's why we do our grief work, see a grief counselor, etc.  I wrote, I posted, I did art therapy, I worked hard at my grief.  I've somehow survived and even find joy in life from time to time although I continue to miss him and always will.  I've accepted that this is how it is now, I didn't get a choice, neither did he, but we will be together again and I know this life is short, however it may seem in the today of it.

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Numb and Lost

I know I'm kind of in that stage where I want to stop hurting but I kind of don't want to let go of my grief because I feel like it will be letting go of him. I know I will never forget his memory but I just don't want it to feel distant. Even now sometimes I feel like it never happened. It's crazy how different of a person I am than I was just a month ago. 

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Our connection to them is not through our grief, but through our love.  Our love is not measured by how much we lament, it is what we shared together.  Sometimes I think it's even more of a testament to them and what we learned from them and how they affected us when we can continue our lives in the aftermath of this profound loss.

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CRUSHED FOREVER

@Numb and LostHELLO... MY NAME IS CRUSHED FOREVER...IT'S BEEN OVER 6 WEEKS FOR ME WITH MY LOVE.. I FEEL IKE I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME... I FEEL YOUR PAIN.. I SEE IT'S BEEN A WHILE FOR YOUR AND I AM JUST WONDERING HOW YOUR ARE DOING.  I AM SO SAD. I TALK TO MY SPARKLE EVERYDAY AND TELL HIM HOW MUCH I MISS HIM AND LOVE HIM... HE CAME TO SEE ME RIGHT AWAY. HE WAS ILL BUT WE NEVER EVER THOUGHT HE WOULD GO TO HEAVAN SO SOON. I COULD SEE FOREVER WITH HIM... WE SPENT OVER 6.5 WONDERFUL YEARS TOGETHER.. I MISS HIM TERRIBLY.

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@CRUSHED FOREVER  It was 6 1/2 years we were in each other's lives too...hard to believe such a short time with him would change my life forever, but it did.  He had more impact on me than all of the other people in my life combined!  He was the one who understood me and I him...we had such faith in each other!  Now it's been twice that long he's been gone, I don't know how I've survived except...one day at a time.  It's taken a lot of work to get through this.  This is what I've learned on my journey, how to get through this:

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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CRUSHED FOREVER

@KayC wow... I have felt all that... he was my very best friend. I never lost anyone what was a part of my daily life... I have pictures of him at my desk at work; that is how we met and we were close friends for 6 years before anything happened. I always told him god made him for me. He always said he was nothing without me. He touched my heart every minute of everyday. My heart was full because of him. He consumed my life 24-7 in the sence that every though and every decision I made revolved around him and now having that extra time is just awful. He was only 55 years old and did so much for everyone around him. We really thought he was going to get better and finally be able to spend more time with me.  Although, I am not ready to die; I can't wait to see him again and hear how much he loves me. I really am crushed. Thanks so much for responding. I so appreciate it...

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CRUSHED FOREVER

@KMB I like the idea that God passes our messages to our loved ones. I sure am keeping him busy. I miss my sparkle maker in the worst way.... Never have I felt so much pain. :(

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It's the hardest thing in the world...that we somehow adjust to even this seems unfathomable, and yet we do in time.

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I understand your pain! I am in so much pain right now! My childhood sweetheart, my true love, my soul mate Sam is dead! He died on 9/9/18. Our love was beautiful and tragic. We met at 7, and 5, and it was love at first sight. We were inseparable, we married as children in a mock ceremony, were each other's firsts, and were forced to break up at age 18, and 16. We never got over each other, would dream of one another, long for each other while trying to move on. We got in contact several times, and finally saw each other again in 2015. We were going to leave our spouses for one another, but Sam couldn't do it, and instead drank himself to death. My life is a living example of psalm 91, God protected me from certain death so many times that I've lost count,  miraculous, unexplainable survival. Sam too. I give prophetic words in song, but the real melody comes from the love He pours out of me, but I fear that my song will forever fall silent in the wake of this loss. I am struggling to survive, fighting suicidal urges. Sam was like a security blanket to me, he was my comfort on this earth, and now I can't even grieve him publicly. I was banned from even being able to post a scripture on his obituary page :'(
 
 

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@Thurley0818

I can imagine the pain you feel in this disenfranchised grief (yes there's a name for grief that isn't recognized by society), it's hard to keep your feelings hidden away, all the while they consume your thoughts.  I hope it helps you to know that he cared for you just as you did him and even death cannot destroy love, there may be that veil between us for a time, but hang on to the positive parts of your relationship, what you gave each other, how you encouraged each other, and know you will see each other again when the time comes.  

I'm sorry you were banned from posting a scripture on his obituary page.  Usually we pay for obituaries and there's more than one company that does it, perhaps you could take out one of your own on him?  Just a thought.  Maybe it'd give you the sense of validation you want.  Journaling can also help but you'd have to be very careful not to have your private thoughts discovered...you could use a computer file and password protect it, perhaps title it something no one would realize but you.  Just a thought.  It may help to get away, alone, in nature, someplace consoling, I like to be where there's trees and water, but everyone's idea of that perfect spot differs, someplace renewing.

And by all means, if you're feeling suicidal, please call and talk to someone.  I wrote this article based on my grief journey after losing my husband, my best friend and soul mate.  I hope you will find something of help to you, it's meant to print out and read every few months as different things will strike you at different parts of your journey.  Please give it time, my friend, this is one of the hardest things you'll ever go through, it takes time to make your way through it, but it won't stay in as dark a place as it feels right now, it takes time and effort to process your grief, more yet to bring yourself to a better place.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Numb and Lost
On 7/17/2018 at 7:40 AM, CRUSHED FOREVER said:

@Numb and LostHELLO... MY NAME IS CRUSHED FOREVER...IT'S BEEN OVER 6 WEEKS FOR ME WITH MY LOVE.. I FEEL IKE I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME... I FEEL YOUR PAIN.. I SEE IT'S BEEN A WHILE FOR YOUR AND I AM JUST WONDERING HOW YOUR ARE DOING.  I AM SO SAD. I TALK TO MY SPARKLE EVERYDAY AND TELL HIM HOW MUCH I MISS HIM AND LOVE HIM... HE CAME TO SEE ME RIGHT AWAY. HE WAS ILL BUT WE NEVER EVER THOUGHT HE WOULD GO TO HEAVAN SO SOON. I COULD SEE FOREVER WITH HIM... WE SPENT OVER 6.5 WONDERFUL YEARS TOGETHER.. I MISS HIM TERRIBLY.

Hi, I’m sorry for your loss. It is approaching 2 years for me. I wish I could tell you it gets better but it doesn’t really. I have better days, and I have days I can push it out of my mind for  a little while. But I still have plenty times of complete breakdowns wondering how I will make it through life carrying this pain and grief forever. If I live out a natural life I have quite some time to go. The worst is just seeing his family post about him and their feelings. His siblings. I feel just the same and sometimes I still just wish I could talk to someone else that loved him. His wife moved on as if he never existed and seems to be exceedingly happy, and for some reason that hit me hard too. The only thing that gets me through is crying out to Jesus. 

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Thanks for coming here and responding, Numb and Lost.  Even in your own pain, you care about others going through this.

I think "better" is a relative term.  If you compare it to when we had our life together, no, it's not "better".  But if you compare it to the day you learned he died and the early days that followed, yes, we can do some adjusting and find some purpose and build a life we can live...but it takes a VERY long time and a lot of work to get there.  It's been 13 years for me, I never expected this journey to be so long, but now I realize it's the rest of my life, no expiration date.  

Numb and Lost, you are going through something many of us don't have to go through, that is grieving so privately.  I can talk to my sisters about George, or others that knew him, but those people are getting fewer and fewer with the more years that go by.  

His wife may be grieving privately so you don't see her feelings...or she may not have felt the same about him as you do.  That would explain why he sought for a relationship outside of his marriage.  I know you are hurting, and I'm sorry, I wish we could do something to bring you the needed comfort.  Keep crying out to Jesus, the friend that is always there, who knows and understands all.  (((hugs)))

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Numb and Lost
23 hours ago, KayC said:

Thanks for coming here and responding, Numb and Lost.  Even in your own pain, you care about others going through this.

I think "better" is a relative term.  If you compare it to when we had our life together, no, it's not "better".  But if you compare it to the day you learned he died and the early days that followed, yes, we can do some adjusting and find some purpose and build a life we can live...but it takes a VERY long time and a lot of work to get there.  It's been 13 years for me, I never expected this journey to be so long, but now I realize it's the rest of my life, no expiration date.  

Numb and Lost, you are going through something many of us don't have to go through, that is grieving so privately.  I can talk to my sisters about George, or others that knew him, but those people are getting fewer and fewer with the more years that go by.  

His wife may be grieving privately so you don't see her feelings...or she may not have felt the same about him as you do.  That would explain why he sought for a relationship outside of his marriage.  I know you are hurting, and I'm sorry, I wish we could do something to bring you the needed comfort.  Keep crying out to Jesus, the friend that is always there, who knows and understands all.  (((hugs)))

Thank you KayC 

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grievingalone

Hi @Numb and Lost something similar has just happened to me. My lover of 3 years suddenly passed away 3 weeks ago. I am crushed and devastated and feel very alone in my grief. I’m wondering how after a couple of years you are doing now? 

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At her last post it was a couple of years out.  She was on my other forum before this one and she joined this one two years before this post.  It can take quite a while to work through this process, it helps to see a grief counselor, all the more so since you have the added complication of grieving alone.  It helps to have validations for our feelings.  Also, have you considered a grief support group?

I wrote this article of what I've found helpful over the years, I hope something in it is of help to you, whether now or later on down the road.  The biggest help was to take one day at a time.  And joining a grief forum literally saved my life.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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grievingalone

@KayC thank you for responding. I read your tips and I have already done some of these things. I’m really trying to be kind to myself. However it still hurts so much. I have never experienced a pain like this. There are feelings of guilt and feeling like I don’t deserve to feel this pain as he wasn’t really mine and what we were doing was wrong. It doesn’t change the fact I love him and he loved me. Regardless of our situations we were in love. 

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Deservedness has nothing to do with loss and grief, our circumstance and heart is what it is and when we're missing someone who meant a lot to us, regardless of relationship, we grieve.  It can seem all the harder w/o validation and supportiveness of friends/family, society in general, as you feel you're going through this alone.  That's where we come in, we don't want anyone to feel they are alone in what they're going through.  Our place is not to judge, but to help you through this, so you can know you are not alone...over the years I've encountered others going through the same experience.  It will be important for you to forgive yourself what you feel needs forgiving so you can be at peace with yourself.  It can help to see a grief counselor to help you find your way through this maze of grief.  We are ill prepared to know where to start, our society doesn't do the greatest job of teaching us how to handle this!  Sending you wishes for comfort and peace.

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@grievingalone I feel your pain. My greatest fear the past decade+ of being in a secret relationship was that if one of us died, the other wouldn't even be told, would have to read about it in the newspaper,  wouldn't be able to say goodbye,  etc. That hasn't happened,  but something bad did. Our relationship was discovered, and as much as we loved each other the past 17 years, he has decided to permanently cut off all contact to try to fix his marriage and life. Not to in any way compare that to the finality of death. But i feel dead inside, knowing he's still just a few miles away but we are now strangers. The part i very much identify with you is the part about grieving alone. No one on my end knows the depth of my close relationship with him, so i have to try to act normal,  while being shredded inside. And no one will be sympathetic to my pain, since they'll think i deserve it. I never thought I'd be in a situation like this. But i fell in love with a man i knew i shouldn't,  but wasn't able to stop it. I feel for anyone in this situation. You think you'd never do this until it happens to you. I wish you peace and healing.

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@Emmagood68  I'm sorry, it must be very hard.  What you are describing is "Disenfranchised Grief," grief unacknowledged from others.  I hope there is someone you can talk to and share with, a sister, a good friend, someone.  If not, it might be beneficial for you to talk to a professional grief counselor.  Death is but one way we can lose someone.  There are other ways that are hard too.  My daughter is going through the loss of her husband, someone she has loved for 20 years...he's getting a divorce after nearly three years of putting her through hell.  Her friends don't want her to mention him, all but one, she can talk freely to her and she understands.  Others make comments that show they wish she'd just "get over it."  It's not that simple.  And it's a process.  He was the love of her life and it was a long relationship, like yours of 17 years.  I wish you well making some headway healing.  It could be that time will bring you some clarity.  I had one relationship that took me years to get over, but I finally did, although grieving in private was very hard, the only one I could talk to about it, oddly enough, was my MIL, she was my best friend.
The first article you can probably really relate to.  The second and third may differ a bit in details but in principle have something to be gleaned in them.

https://www.socialworker.com/feature-articles/practice/disenfranchised-grief-when-grief-and-grievers-are-unrecogniz/
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/06/disenfranchised-grief-when-ex-spouse.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/08/disenfranchised-grief-mourning-loss-of.html

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grievingalone
On 2/20/2020 at 10:08 AM, Emmagood68 said:

@grievingalone I feel your pain. My greatest fear the past decade+ of being in a secret relationship was that if one of us died, the other wouldn't even be told, would have to read about it in the newspaper,  wouldn't be able to say goodbye,  etc. That hasn't happened,  but something bad did. Our relationship was discovered, and as much as we loved each other the past 17 years, he has decided to permanently cut off all contact to try to fix his marriage and life. Not to in any way compare that to the finality of death. But i feel dead inside, knowing he's still just a few miles away but we are now strangers. The part i very much identify with you is the part about grieving alone. No one on my end knows the depth of my close relationship with him, so i have to try to act normal,  while being shredded inside. And no one will be sympathetic to my pain, since they'll think i deserve it. I never thought I'd be in a situation like this. But i fell in love with a man i knew i shouldn't,  but wasn't able to stop it. I feel for anyone in this situation. You think you'd never do this until it happens to you. I wish you peace and healing.

@Emmagood68 I am so sorry you are going through this. Pain is pain no matter what. Please reach out to someone you trust. It’s been one month today that I found out my love died. I have been able to talk to a couple of friends I trust and who knew him. It has helped tremendously to be able to talk about it with them. You really can’t do this alone. If you can’t trust anyone you know please speak to a professional- there is no judgement and it does help. I’m seeing a therapist once a week and also seeing a psychologist every other week. I wish someone could take away our heartache. I guess it will take time and with help from others. I’m learning that I need to do work myself too in order to heal from this. Grief doesn’t have a timeline. It does what it does and we just have to be patient. Sending you peace and love. XO 

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@kayc @grievingalone. I am very grateful for your kindness. We live in a small town,  and as rumor spreads that my lover and i were in a long term secret relationship, i am feeling very isolated, judged, and am staying home for the most part. The hardest part for me is not knowing if he is ok. We were each other's emotional support for years, and to not be able to even speak with him is brutal. @grievingalone i think of you often and hope things start to get better for you. I am always willing to talk, if you ever need a non judgmental person who understands  

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It is hard, esp. as people don't know how to respond...so don't.  I really recommend people seeing a professional rather than trying to take this on alone, it's a lot.

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grievingalone

Thank you @Emmagood68  I really appreciate that. Tomorrow is his birthday. It will be difficult. We had made plans to spend the day together and now that can never be.  I hope things get better for you too. And I also am here if you need someone to talk to. Sending you love and hope for brighter days ahead. 

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love_sharpens_grief

I too am in this situation. I wish there was  support group for all of us experiencing the loss and grieving in secret. I often feel like I'm dying, and its coming up on a year. I feel like it has just gotten worse, time hasnt healed my pain.

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I am so sorry you are in this situation; and that society says your grief is invalid. Being disenfranchised in this way must be a terrible addition to the abysmal grief you already experience over your deceased lover. Don't let anyone judge you in this way; your grief is valid--just as much as theirs or anyone else's. Just because you did not have the benefit of marriage in no way lessens the agony of loss; and, in fact, deepens it because of the shame-factor. I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you, dears--all. Be well, @TLN

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Dear @love_sharpens_grief, You might try starting a Circle here at grieving.com for people in your situation (in lieu of a support group). That might help you connect with others if you cannot find any support in person. Praying for you. Be well, @TLN.

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17 hours ago, love_sharpens_grief said:

I too am in this situation. I wish there was  support group for all of us experiencing the loss and grieving in secret. I often feel like I'm dying, and its coming up on a year. I feel like it has just gotten worse, time hasnt healed my pain.

We aren't here to judge, we're here to give and receive support to others grieving.  This is a very caring community here.  I hope you will pour your heart out and receive the support we want to give you.  We all know that life's circumstances are not so simple at times and a piece of paper doesn't determine the love or hence the grief one feels.  I hope you know that the articles I've listed above are here for you also. :wub:

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Hi 

I just read your post from 2016 about losing your married lover . I am in the same place just 3 weeks in . Can I ask how you are doing now . I desperately need some guidance ? 

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Why don't you start by sharing a few details about the situation...

We're here to hear you and care, I am sorry you're suffering loss.

Do you have any familial or friend support?  It's not good to suffer in silence.  

I am so sorry.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

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