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Unexpected Loss of Mom


Whit B

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My mom started feeling sick at the end of July.  My mom was the funniest most vibrant woman who lived life with such flair.  Mom had always been very healthy  and made a point of going to every checkup. My dad took her to many doctors and specialists. She was subjected to many unnecessary tests, misdiagnosed and placed on harsh antibiotics for an intestinal infection she didn't have.  She lost a lot of weight and continued to be in pain. We were thankful, however, that the doctors told us it was treatable and a relatively minor infection. 

 Even though the doctors were satisfied it was something minor, my mom insisted that something was wrong. She was nauseous and unable to eat as normal.  On November 3rd, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It was difficult and unexpected  news for mom, and us.  After the diagnosis, the new specialist told my mom that he was hopeful and would help her.  We were encouraged. Treatment, however, could not be scheduled until November 22nd, even though all of the doctors knew my mom had lost a lot of weight and was unable to eat much.  They said they were not that concerned with the weight loss and loss of appetite, that the treatment would help.  

The morning of November 21, 2016, I called to check on my mom and my mom was very weak.  I asked her if she needed me to call out of work to help her, she told me to go to work and she would be ok, as moms do.   For whatever reason, I called out of work and went over to help my dad get my mom to my mom's pre-treatment appointment.  We decided to take her to the emergency room before her appointment to get fluids because she was so weak.  We were almost at the hospital when my mom lost consciousness. I still don't get what happened. It was so surreal. The ER doctors said a cardiac event or something due to the illness. My mom was weak but was up and talking that morning and doing her hair.  I couldn't believe it was happening when she went unconscious. I didn't know what to do I was panicked and couldn't think and couldn't believe what was happening to my mom. They revived her at the ER but then lost her. I can still see them working on my mom. I keep reliving that morning and my mom unconscious.  I am so devastated and heartbroken. I keep replaying things and thinking of what more I could have done to save my mom. This is so hard for me, I would have done anything for my mom and I feel like I failed her in her last moments. I didn't know. I never thought this. I couldn't think. I didn't know what to do.  I was in a panic. I couldn't believe it was happening and yet I was so distraught at the same time. All I could do was pray and cry. I never ever thought my mom wouldn't make it. I don't understand. I don't get what happened. I never thought this. My mom had been so healthy with a healthy heart. After she passed, I couldn't even bring myself to say goodbye in the ER. I couldn't take seeing my mom like that. It was so awful and unbelievable.  I wish I had been stronger but I wasn't.  I'm in such anguish and grief. I cry all the time. I miss her so much she's my very best friend. I prayed for her so much during her illness and especially after her diagnosis. I never thought this. I never thought she wouldn't make it. It doesn't make sense to me. I don't understand and I don't know how to do this without my mom. She is the heart of our family.  My mom and I always told each other how much we meant to each other and how much we loved each other.  I wish I would have done more for her, if only I had gotten her to the hospital sooner or something. I'm so crushed.  The thought that I failed her in her last moments is too much.  Nothing feels right anymore, I function and am back to a routine but I feel so heavy and weighted down. I feel like I lost a piece of me that day. It feels like a horrible nightmare. I keep praying to wake up from it but each morning I cry realizing my mom still isn't here.  It's so strange how the world goes on and those who were very concerned at first have gone on with life. They don't get it. They don't understand what this feels like. I know I didn't understand what it felt like either until it happened.   My mom loved the holidays but this year, we didn't know what to do without her. It's just three of us now which is so different. There's such a void for us. I'm unmarried with no children and the thought of my mom not being here for my wedding or kids is beyond what I can process. I can't process any of this. I'm in such anguish and pain.  When I'm alone, I wail and cry. It hurts too much to hold it in.   When I'm not devastated, I'm just numb.  I can't feel much else. My aunt who had been ill also passed a couple weeks after my mom but I couldn't process it because I'm so hurt over my mom. We were always either together or talking on the phone. I miss her voice, her hugs, her wit, her laugh and how she cared for me like no one else.  I miss her so much I physically ache sometimes.  

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Dear Whit B,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your beloved mother. I'm so sorry. I know this is a terrible time. There is so much pain and sorrow. And there are no words it seems. I can relate to so much of what you are saying. All the what-ifs are also haunting me after my father's death. Thinking of you. Sending you lots of love and hugs during this difficult time. Please try to take care of yourself and your family the best you can.

 

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Dear Whit,

I know how you feel. I have also lost my mom too about the same time. Life will never be the same, my mom took a large part of me as she went away. I am not a person who I used to be anymore. 

It is so hard to lose mom in young adulthood. Even though I have a husband and young children, it is hard. Thinking of the whole life and milestones ahead of us. 

I find this forum really comforting, a lot of cool people hang in there. It also helps me realize I am not alone in my suffering. 

I work hard (this I cannot choose). And I treat myself to little distractions (if I have energy left). But most of the time  it is just me and my grief. 

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Dear whit, I'm so sorry for your loss. I get exactly how you feel. My mum started getting sick in October 2014 and exactly 2 weeks before xmas she was diagnosed with cancer. At that point we didn't know how bad it was until January 2015 when we had appointments with an oncologist. Turns out she had untreatable cancer that had spread to other parts and she was told she would die. That moment for me was the worst feeling on earth knowing there was nothing I could do. I took care of her and went to every appointment every chemo session. I never left her side . I'm also unmarried, no kids or partner and a father that has never acknowledged our existence and has no idea my mum is dead. I felt so alone and I was as I'm agarophobic and barely leave the house. My brother is schizophrenic and lives with me in our family home so apart from him I have no one. My life feels empty and meaningless without her and I'm finding it hard to move forward. This forum has been the only place I could come and talk because I have no friends and my brother spends his days in his own little world. 

My heart goes out to you 

Hugs Lisa. 

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Thank you all for the kind replies. I've never joined a forum like this, but I've never lost someone as dear as my mom. It's stunning to me.  And it's so hard to reconcile what has happened with the rest of the world just going on. The wind has been knocked out of me. It helps knowing others understand. My condolences to you all, as well. Thank you for hearing me and understanding. I pray your comfort and strength as we deal with our losses. 

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So sorry for your loss, I could have written this about my Dad. It has been over a year that we lost him but the pain is still there, it isn't as unbearable/crushing as it was those first few months though there are still times when it hits me and I go back to those early days.

I've never experience a shock such as this, I never believed in a million years that my Dad would die, 3 weeks before he died he was out at a party the picture of health. I feel so angry that he was taken from us so suddenly, I am slowing trying to rebuild my life but it will never be the same, I will never be the same. Like you I am single with no children, it hurts that my Dad never got to see any grandchildren, this adds to my pain especially as my nephew his first grandchild was born 2 months after he died. Just the idea of getting married or having kids without him here breaks my heart.

The guilt is awful, wish I had done more to save my Dad but I'm trying to reason that I did the best with the information I had at the time.

Take care of yourselves, this is an awful road that we have been forced to take

 

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Mamaslittleprincess

Dear Whit and all those who lost a parent,

i lost my precious mum suddenly, she was only 63 and we had celebrated her birthday just a week ago. She suddenly fell ill with fever due to a tropical disease which took a turn for the worse! The disease is not fatal, only in very rare cases, she developed other problems by the time we realised that she was really sick and would get better treatment at a hospital. Our family physician told us that she would be fine and that its an epidemic that takes time to get better, he never realised the seriousness of her condition. By the time we took her to emergency we were told she's critical and her kidneys have failed, all this within 6 days of the onset of symptoms. She passed away on day 3 at the hospital.

i can relate to you as i carry the burden of guilt, why didn't I see how bad she was getting, why did i not tell my father(he was abroad) why did i not strongly convince her to go to hospital sooner (she didn't want to go until her limbs stopped moving) why didn't I understand that not passing urine for a day was a very bad sign!

 

like you, I went away from the ICU because we were told that she would only last for less than an hour as they had literally tried everything medical science could, however they took longer to spot a hole in her bowel which they could have as soon as we reached hospital, this delay in treating the bowel led to her blood becoming septic and she could not make it. I feel i let her down by not being ghere till her last breath, i was selfish, i read that they can hear been after three minutes after death, I did tell her multiple times before leaving her, I held her feet as they were very cold,but I could have never borne the sight of my mummy dying. My dad and her brother were with her, only two people were allowed. I was outside crying and praying with my little brother. She was our world, I upset het many times, didn't listen to her but had I known she would go away like this I would have never done that, but she was my mum, who else could I be mad at and expected forgiveness and understanding...

Its so raw so vivid, I cant believe she's not thre, I cry every night, in the shower, I miss her terribly, there's so much I would change if I could go back in time, the guilt kills me. Like you I am unmarried, no kids, nothing... and I had a little fight with her before her passing because I first Time told her I wish I had married and now I wont ever have children, she must have felt deeply hurt, how was it her fault, but I just feed burdened with house chores and responsibilities and the fact that my life didn't really go the way I had expected it to go.. I am 42 now, there's no hope and my first priority is to be there for my father and brother...

ita just unfair I would do anything now ro being her back but I wonder why wa 

s I so difficult over silly stupid things while shw was alive, I just made her sad. But I loved her dearly ans deeply 

i am sorry over your loss, its irreparable but like myself I am sure that there were circumstances beyond control and things that no one can see or predict. I had no bloody idea what sepsis or a perforated bowel is or even until today I don't know what exactly caused them

 

my love and condolences, don't dwell on it, think about all the good things you did with her ans for her :) mums neeṛ judge their children xxx

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Thank you for the responses. It's so hard when I replay the day that I lost my mom over and over and whether if I could have gotten my mom to the ER sooner maybe she would still be here.  I just long for my mom. 

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I feel more like myself these days and functioning better than when I started back at work. I'm starting Grief Share group counseling soon at a local church. I'm still having a really hard time processing the day my mom passed and seeing my mom that way. I miss my mom so much it hurts. I keep thinking about the what ifs and replaying what I could have done differently to save my mom. It's so devastating to me to think that I failed my mom.  

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