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Dad died suddenly with me


Islysmum

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My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer which was terminal. He developed a chest infection and I had to take him to hospital. I did and got him settled then his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he made this noise like he was gasping for breath. They tried to resuscitate him but his heart rate was all over the place and he passed. I'm glad he went quickly and didn't have to suffer with the cancer but I'm scared he suffered at the end or that if I had taken him in sooner he would have been ok. Doctors said they think his heart gave in so nothing I done would have helped. I hope he didn't suffer at the end. I'm so glad I was with him but can't get what he looked like out of my head. I sat with him afterwards and said my goodbyes which was nice. I just miss him so much, the house is so empty and mum is being really strong. It's horrible seeing his chair empty and his bed and even the dogs are missing him. I do t know where to go from here

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Dear Islysmum,

So very sorry to hear about your loss. My dad developed cancer in his liver, which was also inoperable. He died in 2009. Dad lived a considerable distance from me, but I was grateful that I was able to go to where he and mom lived at that time to help out. I remember the day he called and calmly told me that he had this inoperable cancer. He made his decision to fight with very strong chemo. For my part, I spent 3 days on the net researching his condition. The best that could have occurred, was to possibly "delay" the inevitable outcome. That is what dad was shooting for, one more trip with mother. It was never to be.

One thing I knew personally was that I wanted to be there with him and mother at the end. Ultimately he came home from a bad time and short stay in a rehab center, he very much wanted to be home. I was able to go there and stay with him and mother at their home, essentially doing the hospice care with him until he passed. Like you, I was there when dad took his last breaths. It was a most profound experience. I was so glad to have been there with him. Able to communicate with him a bit, up until the last day or so of his life. I know that as he laid unconscious at the end, that he had some degree of pain, but I of course had access and instructions regarding the use of very strong medication for him.

Throughout all the time I was caring for dad, I kept it together extremely well. Even prepared his body, for the funeral people, before they took him away. I bathed dad, dressed him properly, and waited. After this, I went for a ride with my son, who had also come, as well as other family members. It was now early morning. He passed away somewhere around 2am. My son and I went out to get coffee. We then went to a spot on a beautiful lake where mom and dad lived. It was there, at that spot, that I broke down and sobbed for the first time since dad's ordeal began.

Where to go from here .. I can only say, as with most all things in my own life, to try to live one day at a time, and if need be, one moment at a time. Be kind to yourself, be good to yourself. Don't be afraid to fully feel your loss, your grief. Understand that the moment your dad took his last breath he was no longer there, and whatever pain he may felt, no longer mattered. He is free, of pain and all earthly concerns. Something that gives me a great deal of comfort is the absolute certainty that, "this too, shall pass." Even we, will one day leave this place. While I have met other's who recoil, (including family members) from the notion of "death" and no longer "being here", I find that it gives me personally, a great deal of comfort. I do not mean death, as something to be sought out, or "looked forward to" or rushed into prematurely, just the end of all suffering, pain, and all earthly concerns. I know dad is for the ages, and his spirit lives on in me, and in all those he touched personally in his life.

God Bless You, Hope This Helps,

Michael

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Dear Islysmum,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I can relate to a lot of what you said. My mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and the doctors think she had a cardiac event or an embolism which caused her to lose consciousness. My mom's last moments sound so similar to your dad's. I too keep replaying the images.  I can still see my mom unconscious and it's so hard to think of my mom that way. It's so upsetting.  I replay that day over and over thinking of what I could have done differently to help my mom and to still have her with me.  It's an awful trap. I keep praying that the Lord will help me to stop dwelling on the images, the what ifs, and thinking that I failed my mom by not getting her to the ER earlier and not being able to save her. I'm looking into grief counseling options to process the loss of my mom (my best friend) and to deal the trauma of that day.  It may be a good idea for you too, especially since you were also there when it happened. It's a lot to bear and maybe you could use the support.  Like you said, there's a void--the loss of a parent is a tremendous loss. I know my mom would want me to deal with this in a healthy manner and to find peace.  I hope to do that. I hope the same thing for you. 

Michael's words above are so well said, take one day at a time, one moment at a time. Be kind to yourself. It's some of the best advice I've received too. 

May you find peace. 

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