Life is so hard without the love of my life

[KMB]

DonnaR3, No, you are not going crazy, it just feels that way. Grieving our loss is so complicated and painful. It is just so hard to see through, around, over or under it. We want our partner, our life back, and it is not possible. Sometimes I wonder what our loved ones are thinking in Heaven. Do they have any idea the suffering we going through with missing them? I guess it will all be worth it as long as we are reunited.

[Katie S]

DonnaR3, I'm with you on the tv programmes. There are two in particular that we would always look forward to watching together. I haven't been able to watch them since my partner passed. Just hearing the opening music would be enough to set me off crying. 

I go and visit his grave every week. It makes me feel close to him although i know he is not there. But I know the body I loved for so many years is there and that's why I go so often. 

[Emeliza]

42 minutes ago, Katie S said:

 

I go and visit his grave every week. It makes me feel close to him although i know he is not there. But I know the body I loved for so many years is there and that's why I go so often. 

Same.  I go daily (I am forunate to live less than 10 minutes away from him).  I don't spent long with it being so cold, but I go and talk to him.  I know I won't always be able to go daily, but right now I can and feel compelled to.  

Some days I swear I am just waiting to join him.  I saved and bought the plot next to him.  Soon I will go and start paying for everything else so I don't leave my family with trying to figure that out.  I know my love didn't mean to leave that for me, but it was so hard trying to figure out what to get when he didn't have life insurance and we didn't have that kind of money at all.  I don't want to do that to anyone else.

[Nads]

I'm having such a difficult day today. I'm at work at the moment and I trying my best not to have a break down. My eyes keep welling up with tears and I can't seem to stop thinking about my darling husband. I miss him so much. I now hate my life so much. It's so sad because I used to love my life with him. Now he is gone and I am just left having to live with no purpose. I don't even know why I'm bothering to do anything anymore. What's the point! I wish God could just take me from my misery here so I could be with my baby once again. 

[Numb and Lost]

I am so depressed the only thing that is keeping me from giving up are my children. I have one that is still little and I'm so scared I'm going to miss these last few years of him being little because of my grief. When I get home I just don't know what to do with myself. I end up laying down and then I don't even sleep I just lay there and think. I'm constantly thinking what can I do even though I know there is nothing. I do things with the kids take them places still, and try to put on a front. I put on a front for my whole family at night which is why I lose it during the day when my husband is at work and they are at school. Everyone at work comments that my eyes look sad. Well they are and I don't know how to hide it. I wish I could go to his grave where his ashes are buried. I went once but I can't exactly be seen at a grave of someone else's husband when I am someone else'a wife. But I have went to places I used to meet him and just sat and cried. One day we happened to be at the same spot an hour away and so we pulled over and I went to that spot. I could just see him pulling up behind me in my rear view mirror like it was yesterday. I'm just so depressed I don't know how to go on and have a meaningful life. I barely eat food just doesn't even taste food to me. I think I'm hungry but once I sit down it suddenly makes me nauseated to think about eating. It's such a desperate and lost feeling to feel like you need to talk to someone so badly but you can't. People say that it gets better in time and hopefully does. But I feel like my life will never have meaning to me the way it did when he was on this earth. I feel like an empty shell on auto pilot. Im already on depression meds. 

[KayC]

On 1/23/2017 at 10:55 AM, Numb and Lost said:

I decided to tell myself I feel like that because I WILL see him again it may just be a long long time and I can't know when but I know I will. 

I think that's how we all get through this.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, DonnaR3 said:

This site has helped me realize that what I'm going through is normal and I'm not going crazy.

Donna,

Everything you have said is what we've felt and experienced.  Trust me, you're not going crazy, or if you are, we all are together.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Numb and Lost said:

I have one that is still little and I'm so scared I'm going to miss these last few years of him being little because of my grief.

They grow so fast you don't want to miss any of it.  Just do your best to connect with him and spend time with him.

[KMB]

Everyone---I am so sorry we are in this grief pit. I too feel like I am just *waiting*. Waiting for this terrible, lonely separation to be over. Emeliza, I feel like you, get my own affairs in order, to make things easier for the family. Small family such as it is. How to fill the waiting time is a question. Take care of the pets and do my best at taking care of other things that I am capable of. Spend time with family and whoever else is willing to put up with me. I am not good company without my husband. I make an effort to smile and interact but it takes superhuman effort and on the inside I am sad and crying. My paternal grandparents had a very long, loving marriage. Grandma passed away when I was a high school freshman. My grandpa lived for another 26 years, till the age of 96. They believed in God and went to church every Sunday. How did my grandpa manage all them years alone? It must have been his faith and trust that kept him going. I have to believe that is what is going to keep me going also.

[KayC]

Nads,

I'm sorry you're having such a bad day.  (((hugs)))

[Zara19]

Hello Numb and lost.

I don't know if I have quoted you correctly, I am a novice on this site.

I lost my Husband on 6th October and I too am struggling, but my Sister has gone through your type of situation.  She has 2 children and a partner of 20 years.  She got re-acquainted with a former colleague and the inevitable commenced.  However, he passed away and like you she has been concealing her grief for 2 years.  She only told me at the last moment.  I only really appreciated how hard that must be since reading your comments and story.  You are obviously greatly suffering and suffering in silence is so distressing.  I hope you feel stronger soon.

 

 

[Emeliza]

1 hour ago, KMB said:

 My grandpa lived for another 26 years, till the age of 96. They believed in God and went to church every Sunday. How did my grandpa manage all them years alone? It must have been his faith and trust that kept him going. I have to believe that is what is going to keep me going also.

I texted my mom the other day asking how my grandma survived 20 some years after her partner and love (my grandpa) died.  I know my mom went and stayed with her for a bit, but I was only 6 when he passed away and was 32 or 33 when my grandma passed away.  I know she threw herself into volunteering and being involved, but she had been involved before he passed.  I don't want to live another 26+ years.  I know I need to stay until my last child is self sufficient and even that seems a long time.

[Nads]

I really have no idea how people can make it years without their love. I haven't reached the four month mark yet and I feel like I can't go on. I have been emotional all day and for some reason things and people keep popping up to make me feel even more sad. Went to the bank after work and cried while talking to someone then on my way to the car I ran into one of my husband's friends and started to cry again. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making a fool of myself by crying like this especially to people who are practically strangers in a sense. Can't wait for this day to end. It's been one of the hardest I've had in a while. Just want to get home and cry my heart out because I know it's been building up. I need my husband so much. So much is going on I just want him to make things right again. 

I pray that God gives us all strength to make it through tomorrow. This has become my only place to let it all out. Think people around me are becoming weary of my sadness. Many thanks to all of you here. 

[Julie Ryan]

 I am so sorry for how you're feeling, I am having the same kind of day. On Sunday it will be two months that my sweet Rich left me so early but I can't stop crying today. I've been sitting around  our house wearing his shirts having a few drinks thinking great it's the weekend we would be probably going skiing or doing something fun and I am so lonesome it's killing me too. 

 I feel like I'm dying inside you just please replace my life and I miss me and I know you feel the same way, this sucks and I think what did I do to deserve this pain

 

 I feel like when I post things I like to put a few pictures of us up I would like to see other people do that as well just to get a sense of who they are a bit. I'm sorry your hurting but I feel you especially today I hate the mornings I hate weekends and I hate coming home go to the grocery store I pray that something will change 

[Numb and Lost]

3 hours ago, Zara19 said:

Hello Numb and lost.

I don't know if I have quoted you correctly, I am a novice on this site.

I lost my Husband on 6th October and I too am struggling, but my Sister has gone through your type of situation.  She has 2 children and a partner of 20 years.  She got re-acquainted with a former colleague and the inevitable commenced.  However, he passed away and like you she has been concealing her grief for 2 years.  She only told me at the last moment.  I only really appreciated how hard that must be since reading your comments and story.  You are obviously greatly suffering and suffering in silence is so distressing.  I hope you feel stronger soon.

 

 

Thank you. It is very distressing. I'm sorry your you and your sister are both grieving. That's a lot of tragedy for one family. How is your sister doing now after two years? I hide it when I'm at home at night so I break down pretty much every time I'm in my car, shower, etc. Every day it still shocks me that it happened. I still have trouble believeing it's real. I keep feeling like I need some kind of closure, like I just want to talk to someone that knew him. But I know I can't do that. 

[Numb and Lost]

21 minutes ago, Julie Ryan said:

 I am so sorry for how you're feeling, I am having the same kind of day. On Sunday it will be two months that my sweet Rich left me so early but I can't stop crying today. I've been sitting around  our house wearing his shirts having a few drinks thinking great it's the weekend we would be probably going skiing or doing something fun and I am so lonesome it's killing me too. 

 I feel like I'm dying inside you just please replace my life and I miss me and I know you feel the same way, this sucks and I think what did I do to deserve this pain

 

 I feel like when I post things I like to put a few pictures of us up I would like to see other people do that as well just to get a sense of who they are a bit. I'm sorry your hurting but I feel you especially today I hate the mornings I hate weekends and I hate coming home go to the grocery store I pray that something will change 

Very beautiful picture. I can't post pictures due to my situation of course, I wish I could he was perfect. We never took any together. I wish I had his shirts to sleep in. I've thought of that. I really just wish I had anything to hold on to. All I have is a bag of dirt from his grave, which seems silly but I just wanted something. I feel like I just come home and lay down every day. I tell myself I'm not going to look at his pictures but I end up doing it every single day. 

[Numb and Lost]

1 hour ago, Nads said:

I really have no idea how people can make it years without their love. I haven't reached the four month mark yet and I feel like I can't go on. I have been emotional all day and for some reason things and people keep popping up to make me feel even more sad. Went to the bank after work and cried while talking to someone then on my way to the car I ran into one of my husband's friends and started to cry again. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making a fool of myself by crying like this especially to people who are practically strangers in a sense. Can't wait for this day to end. It's been one of the hardest I've had in a while. Just want to get home and cry my heart out because I know it's been building up. I need my husband so much. So much is going on I just want him to make things right again. 

I pray that God gives us all strength to make it through tomorrow. This has become my only place to let it all out. Think people around me are becoming weary of my sadness. Many thanks to all of you here. 

I've cried when I ran into people a few times. This is my only place to let it out too. My few friends that know aren't very supportive except for one. I can tell they just want me to forget about it and be me again. But I'll never be me again I don't even know who I am anymore. I've cried in the grocery check out line, and sometimes if I see someone I know I just start crying the second they ask me if I'm ok. I have to make up reasons I'm upset as he was a secret. All I do is come home and lay down most of the time that's all I know to do with myself 

[KMB]

Julie, Sorry you are having a bad day (HUGS)----Bad days are inevitable. We have so so, bad and worse. It's a roller coaster. I never really thought about losing my husband. He was strong, active, so involved with life. It was anticipated though due to his health conditions. But we had been finally at the point of stabilization and more control of his health, or so I mistakenly thought.  I really had convinced myself we would have a few more years together. Denial has made me question a lot of things. We are not guaranteed tomorrow.

Thanks for sharing another beautiful pic of you and Rich. I'm sure you cherish those happy, loving times. Just like the rest of us. Love, memories, photos, personal belongings. All we have left to prove we loved and were loved in return.

[Numb and Lost]

I feel like I just can't take it. I do ok for just a bit and then I'm just freaking out and I just cannot believe it. I just can't believe he is gone when I can hear his voice and see his smile so clear in my mind. He was just here I just can't believe it's real. It just hits me all of a sudden again and again and I feel like I just can't go on. 

[Nads]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with your grief in secret. I can't imagine how hard that must be for you. I too can't believe that I have lost my love. It is comforting you can still hear his voice and see his smile. For some reason I'm not recalling things about him. I feel for some reason my mind is blocking things out...maybe some form of survival mechanism because thinking of him just gets too hard to do. I miss him so much. And yes the grief does hit hard when it does. I pray that you begin to find some solace. 

[Numb and Lost]

I think I try to see and hear him because I'm scared of forgetting, but when I do I have that overwhelming feeling that I can't go on. Its a tough conflict when we want to heal but want to hold on to loving them too, and keep memories alive. I don't have anything of his, nothing at all to remember him by so my memories are all I have. I am just pushing myself through day to day feeling like everything is pointless. I used to like to post pictures I felt pretty in just because I knew he would see them. I never post anything anymore because there isn't any point. 

[Zara19]

14 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

Thank you. It is very distressing. I'm sorry your you and your sister are both grieving. That's a lot of tragedy for one family. How is your sister doing now after two years? I hide it when I'm at home at night so I break down pretty much every time I'm in my car, shower, etc. Every day it still shocks me that it happened. I still have trouble believeing it's real. I keep feeling like I need some kind of closure, like I just want to talk to someone that knew him. But I know I can't do that. 

Like you, my sister cried everywhere that was out of sight of her two children/partner.  She had panic attacks and medication.  She says the pain of loss is always there every day and she is still tearful.  Like my sister you must be trying to put on an ordinary face whilst living a far from ordinary existence and I can see how that makes things so much, more difficult.  It's like you are using all your resources to appear as normal as possible but are becoming fatigued as well.  Plus you have the heart-rending pains of bereavement.  I am in a bad place myself and experiencing all you describe regarding losing a loved one.  Do you have a Samaritans helpline you can call?  Sometimes it's ok writing things out but another human voice can help to lift some of the tension.  I hope you are feeling stronger and calmer soon.  Regards.

[Numb and Lost]

1 hour ago, Zara19 said:

Like you, my sister cried everywhere that was out of sight of her two children/partner.  She had panic attacks and medication.  She says the pain of loss is always there every day and she is still tearful.  Like my sister you must be trying to put on an ordinary face whilst living a far from ordinary existence and I can see how that makes things so much, more difficult.  It's like you are using all your resources to appear as normal as possible but are becoming fatigued as well.  Plus you have the heart-rending pains of bereavement.  I am in a bad place myself and experiencing all you describe regarding losing a loved one.  Do you have a Samaritans helpline you can call?  Sometimes it's ok writing things out but another human voice can help to lift some of the tension.  I hope you are feeling stronger and calmer soon.  Regards.

I saw a counselor but I guess I didn't feel like it was worth the $. I have the panic attacks as well. I was taking med for that but out at the moment. I hate mornings. I just woke up and the emptiness is so much worse in the mornings. I want to pick up my phone and look at his fb when I wake up but I know it's the same. Are mornings worse for you? I feel like if he had been mine I would just cling to his memory, still feel married to him, and of course I wouldn't have to hide how I feel. With him gone I have no connection and I look at his family's pages and it's like it was never real. I have feelings of guilt like it isn't my place to hold on to his memory because I wasn't his wife. Even though I have loved him since I met him.I feel like if I was his wife I would just stay a widow forever and wait until I saw him in heaven again. But I am married just the way I was before. I never said the things I wanted to say. I know this never seems real when it happens to anyone but I guess because I had actually had a fear something would happen to him I didn't think it could really happen. He just doesn't seem like he can be gone. Sometimes I feel like it's all a lie and I just want to call him. Was the death of your husband sudden? You seem like you are being strong I wish I could be that way. 

[Zara19]

16 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

Thank you. It is very distressing. I'm sorry your you and your sister are both grieving. That's a lot of tragedy for one family. How is your sister doing now after two years? I hide it when I'm at home at night so I break down pretty much every time I'm in my car, shower, etc. Every day it still shocks me that it happened. I still have trouble believeing it's real. I keep feeling like I need some kind of closure, like I just want to talk to someone that knew him. But I know I can't do that.   

17 minutes ago, Numb and Lost said:

I saw a counselor but I guess I didn't feel like it was worth the $. I have the panic attacks as well. I was taking med for that but out at the moment. I hate mornings. I just woke up and the emptiness is so much worse in the mornings. I want to pick up my phone and look at his fb when I wake up but I know it's the same. Are mornings worse for you? I feel like if he had been mine I would just cling to his memory, still feel married to him, and of course I wouldn't have to hide how I feel. With him gone I have no connection and I look at his family's pages and it's like it was never real. I have feelings of guilt like it isn't my place to hold on to his memory because I wasn't his wife. Even though I have loved him since I met him.I feel like if I was his wife I would just stay a widow forever and wait until I saw him in heaven again. But I am married just the way I was before. I never said the things I wanted to say. I know this never seems real when it happens to anyone but I guess because I had actually had a fear something would happen to him I didn't think it could really happen. He just doesn't seem like he can be gone. Sometimes I feel like it's all a lie and I just want to call him. Was the death of your husband sudden? You seem like you are being strong I wish I could be that way. 

Hello again Numb

I don't get how to quote on here so if it goes wrong I apologise.

The man my sister was involved with was divorced and therefore didn't have a partner.  He developed Cancer and was in hospital but she got there 10 mins after he passed away which was probably hard for her as like you, (and me) she didn't get to say things at the end.  He had a brother that knew about my sister and they met at the hospital and spoke that time but I don't think they still do.  My sister was considering leaving her partner and taking their two children with her and being with this man but his Cancer progressed and it did sadly take his life.  She had known him 25 years but only as more than a friend for the last five years on and off.  She feels guilty that she didn't leave her partner to nurse the man and be with him.  I don't know what would have happened if he had not got Cancer.  If my sister had chose to leave her partner that would have caused 4 people to suffer distress when the bomb was dropped.  Maybe this man getting Cancer was God's way of saving her family.  I really don't know.  I do know like you that it's still causing her immense anguish.  In some ways, even though she has gone through this shocking experience she still has her family, home and a reasonable way of life intact and I hope she appreciates this.

My Husband passed away from a heart incident. It was anticipated but very sudden and I was alone with him and frightened when it happened.  He has just been let out of hospital and passed away a few hours later. I feel so bad about the fact that I never got to say what I wanted.  To a degree I was in denial as I previously thought he would have another 10 years and get better.  I was so traumatized I left my home just after and went to stay with family 25 miles away. I have been back to the house to check on it but it's so sad when I go.  We had no children together but he had adult children - that have gone back to their normal lives - probably with some ease after they have come to terms with things.  I am like you, I can't come to terms, I can't accept what's happened.  Yes, mornings are the worst because you just think of how empty, pointless and without purpose everything is. Often I am disappointed I have woken up which sounds dreadful I know.  I don't know how people survive for years after losing their loved one.  My family would be happier if they thought I was coping but I am not and don't tell them this so I am trying to appear normal.  This means, as you know, that everything gets internalised like a pressure cooker.

It's strange you had a fear something was to happen and then it did, I know I did as well but thought at the time "don't be silly" and then it happened.  I don't know if other people have found that.  

I hope I have not gone on too long Numb, I haven't walked in your shoes but I can empathise with you on the grieving aspect.  I wish I had an answer as then I would tell all of us.  I normally post on the Sue Ryder online community and when I read my posts back I am truly taken aback on how bad I really feel.

Please hold on as best you can.  I know for me  if this grief is what's known as a roller coaster, I just need to get off and have a rest for a bit.  I feel like I have PTSD.

Kindest wishes

 

16 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

 

 

[Numb and Lost]

21 minutes ago, Zara19 said:

 

You definitely didn't go on too long it's nice to talk to someone. Coming here is pretty much my only outlet. I have two kids and if it weren't for them I don't think I could make myself go on. I can't remember if I mentioned in my story or not but he died on a motorcycle. He was just here one day and gone the next. Not only had I feared something happening to him before but I had a dream a few weeks or months before I can't remember how long exactly. I dreamed I looked at Facebook and someone put that he had died and would be missed. I woke up so relieved it was a dream. I thought to myself that is the one thing I couldn't take happening. That is the very way I found out he died. A friend's fb status tagged his name and  put "you will be missed." That just makes it even more surreal to me. He was really excited when he told me he bought the motorcycle. I said "please don't die on it" and he just kind of laughed at me. In the mornings the second I open eyes I forget for just a millisecond and that's what makes mornings so terrible. What is the Sue Ryder online community? I guess I've heard of that site. What hurts most of all is I'm not sure how he really felt about me. I never asked, and given the situation we kind of tried not to talk about it.  So I have to go the rest of my life not knowing. I said this to my friend and she said "but it doesn't really matter now anymore" that just hurts even more hearing that. Because it matters to me.

[KMB]

1 hour ago, Zara19 said:

I am like you, I can't come to terms, I can't accept what's happened.  Yes, mornings are the worst because you just think of how empty, pointless and without purpose everything is. Often I am disappointed I have woken up which sounds dreadful I know.  I don't know how people survive for years after losing their loved one.  My family would be happier if they thought I was coping but I am not and don't tell them this so I am trying to appear normal.  This means, as you know, that everything gets internalised like a pressure cooker.

My sentiments exactly, Zara. Somehow we each have to find our own way through this. We are probably going to be in this world for awhile yet and it is only by our own efforts that we survive. I don't like the negative thoughts I have. I used to be always the opposite. I looked forward to each day and being productive alongside my husband. Now I have to go it alone. I am alone like you and I wonder if I would be missed if something should happen. It leaves me feeling so sad that everyone we knew has gone back to their lives. I make an effort to reach out and I hear the words no one wants to hear, *let go* and *move on*. They have never been through this, so they don't have a clue as to hard it has been just to merely survive through each day.

[Numb and Lost]

41 minutes ago, KMB said:

My sentiments exactly, Zara. Somehow we each have to find our own way through this. We are probably going to be in this world for awhile yet and it is only by our own efforts that we survive. I don't like the negative thoughts I have. I used to be always the opposite. I looked forward to each day and being productive alongside my husband. Now I have to go it alone. I am alone like you and I wonder if I would be missed if something should happen. It leaves me feeling so sad that everyone we knew has gone back to their lives. I make an effort to reach out and I hear the words no one wants to hear, *let go* and *move on*. They have never been through this, so they don't have a clue as to hard it has been just to merely survive through each day.

Exactly I'm sick of hearing about how I have to let go and move on as if it's an active choice that I can make. All day long in my head I try to make sense of it and even process that I really can't call or see him ever again. I don't see any possible way I could walk around feeling happy or much less even normal. All I want to do is talk to him. 

[Numb and Lost]

I really just don't want to be here anymore. I don't forsee myself ever being even remotely happy. I just can't be happy knowing his life ended at 34 and I have to sit here trying to figure it out for 50 years. But since I don't believe in suicide and obviously I want to be here for my kids I have no choice but to just live in sad misery. I never thought I would be someone that couldn't find happiness solely in my kids. They have always made me happier than anything else. They still do but I have this emptiness and unresolve that is so big and it hurts so bad I honestly don't know how to carry on. My friends are sick of me and I imagine y'all will be sick of me too before long. I am just so lost. 

[KayC]

Numb and Lost,

I think, having complicated grief, it's all the more important for you to see a grief counselor...not just any counselor, but specifically a GRIEF counselor, one specializing in grief and trained in that.  Having to hide it is very hard because we need our feelings acknowledged.  You can have that here, we all realize your grief and acknowledge it.  Your friends want you to "be like you used to be" because they can't "fix it" and it might make them feel uncomfortable since they WANT to fix it and can't.  But that's too bad for them, it's your grief and you can't just be like you used to be, you are forever changed by this experience.  That doesn't mean you'll never be happy again, but you carry with you a kind of sadness, the same as the rest of us in this club do.  It's what distinguishes us from the rest of the world.  Our lives are never the same again, as if a type of innocence was stolen from us that can never be gotten back.

Just keep coming here and expressing yourself, I personally think it helps us to know we're heard and understood, at least it helped me tremendously.  My sisters love me but they didn't get it, my friends disappeared on me.  My mom "got it" but she's gone too now.

[Zara19]

23 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

Thank you. It is very distressing. I'm sorry your you and your sister are both grieving. That's a lot of tragedy for one family. How is your sister doing now after two years? I hide it when I'm at home at night so I break down pretty much every time I'm in my car, shower, etc. Every day it still shocks me that it happened. I still have trouble believeing it's real. I keep feeling like I need some kind of closure, like I just want to talk to someone that knew him. But I know I can't do that.  

[Zara19]

NUMB AND LOST

Sorry Numb and Lost, don't know what happened with the above.

KayC has hit the nail on the head with the last post she replied to you with.  It's hard to add to. 

I can say that I too had a dream like yours a couple of months before I lost my Husband.  In the dream someone said "I am sorry to tell you that your Husband has passed away". I woke up unsettled and turned around and my Husband was sleeping by my side.  I can say that it was the happiest moment of my life - I was elated.  Fast forward a few more months and it is now reality and I think how cruel.

I have thought about suicide.  I know though that suicide is a sin with no hope of repentance, besides I think it's more the pain I want to escape from.

The Sue Ryder Online Community is provided by a charity for bereaved people.  It's UK based.

I understand how desperate it feels when everyone thinks you should be recovering.  My family think the same and it just adds to the isolation, and if you are anything like me you must be feeling hollow inside as well.  

I hope you have a good night's sleep.  Take care.  Are you USA based may I ask?

 

 

 

[Numb and Lost]

23 minutes ago, Zara19 said:

NUMB AND LOST

Sorry Numb and Lost, don't know what happened with the above.

KayC has hit the nail on the head with the last post she replied to you with.  It's hard to add to. 

I can say that I too had a dream like yours a couple of months before I lost my Husband.  In the dream someone said "I am sorry to tell you that your Husband has passed away". I woke up unsettled and turned around and my Husband was sleeping by my side.  I can say that it was the happiest moment of my life - I was elated.  Fast forward a few more months and it is now reality and I think how cruel.

I have thought about suicide.  I know though that suicide is a sin with no hope of repentance, besides I think it's more the pain I want to escape from.

The Sue Ryder Online Community is provided by a charity for bereaved people.  It's UK based.

I understand how desperate it feels when everyone thinks you should be recovering.  My family think the same and it just adds to the isolation, and if you are anything like me you must be feeling hollow inside as well.  

I hope you have a good night's sleep.  Take care.  Are you USA based may I ask?

 

 

 

Thank y'all. It does mean a lot to be able to come here and talk to y'all otherwise I just feel completely alone right now. KayC like Zara said you did hit the nail on the head. It has completely changed me as a person. I don't know how to be that other person anymore and I don't think I will be. Zara that is so strange that you had the dream too. There was another day just weeks before that I just had this terrible feeling. I thought I saw him turn and smile at me but it was someone else. I had this really melancholy feeling that is how it would be if something ever happened to him. I would feel like I saw him when I didn't. I really don't even know how to explain it, but when I felt it I thought thank God nothing has happened I couldn't deal with that. I've always had a strong sense of intuition. When I met him in 2005 he came in the place I worked for two years and then he stopped. We never did anything but speak to each other then although he tried.  I was depressed when he stopped coming in there. It took me a little while to figure out that is what was making me depressed. But I knew in my heart there was a reason I met him and there was still something to come from it, and of course I was right. Every time we stopped seeing each other I knew that wasn't the end of it. I just felt a connection to him. And it's funny because even though he is gone I still have that feeling, that I met him and whatever relationship we were meant to have still has more to come. All that can mean to me is that there is more for us in heaven. I have been reading that book "heaven" by Randy Alcorn. It is long but I really recommend it. It uses bible scriptures to describe heaven and how it will be. It has comforted me some. I just have that fear of wondering if he and I can know each other because of how I knew him here. But I believe we will because sin will be removed there anyway. I just have that feeling. It is just so tough to feel this way and not know if it will ever lift. And you want it to and don't want it to at the same time. I keep wondering how his wife is. I called the place where she works and blocked my number just to see if she was working again. She answered and I hung up. I have no idea why that made me upset but it did I just cried and cried. It doesn't even make sense to me why that would upset me. It's funny anything else I would talk to my husband about but this is one thing I can't. I love my husband. It's just a different kind of love than the way I loved him. Also he has let me down so many times with drugs even when he is doing well I am on edge because I never know when he might mess up again. I have had so much pain in my life. I just don't know why God asks some of us to endure so much. I realize with the affair brought it on myself. But I tried so hard not to give in to it but it was like it was just meant to be. Once I saw him after those few years and I still resisted even then, I started running into him everywhere. I just wish so badly someone could tell me things he said or felt. I have prayed maybe somehow there is someone who knows and that person will come to me somehow. That would hurt but in a helpful way I think. Zara I am in USA. 

[DonnaR3]

Today I went to the eye doctor and the first thing they asked me where is Ken. He always took me because I can't drive after my appointment. Thank God my sister was with me to tell them he passed away and explained what happened. Hearing her tell him made me relive everything all over again. The guilt came back and the maybes. I tried not to cry at the office but I couldn't hold back the tears. After the appointment I came home to an empty house and feeling lonely  

i keeping on saying this I don't know how to go on or if I want too. I would never hurt my own life  but I don't know how to live without the love of my life. 

[KMB]

Donna, I'm so sorry you had to go through that experience. It was one of those *firsts*, going to an appointment that you would have normally done with your Ken.  I've had a few of those as well and they can be extremely hard to get through. I am glad your sister was with you to do the explaining. I had to do them on my own and still don't know how I managed it. It will get easier over time. I'll keep praying for you to have the strength to get through each day. (HUGS)

[Numb and Lost]

1 hour ago, DonnaR3 said:

Today I went to the eye doctor and the first thing they asked me where is Ken. He always took me because I can't drive after my appointment. Thank God my sister was with me to tell them he passed away and explained what happened. Hearing her tell him made me relive everything all over again. The guilt came back and the maybes. I tried not to cry at the office but I couldn't hold back the tears. After the appointment I came home to an empty house and feeling lonely  

i keeping on saying this I don't know how to go on or if I want too. I would never hurt my own life  but I don't know how to live without the love of my life. 

I know exactly what you mean when you say you don't know how to go on. That is where I am. The only reason I want to go on is to be here for my kids. But I feel like I'm just on auto pilot all day every day. There hasn't been a day yet I haven't broken down and cried until I have splotches all over my face. 

[Zara19]

On 27/01/2017 at 10:30 PM, Numb and Lost said:

Thank you. It is very distressing. I'm sorry your you and your sister are both grieving. That's a lot of tragedy for one family. How is your sister doing now after two years? I hide it when I'm at home at night so I break down pretty much every time I'm in my car, shower, etc. Every day it still shocks me that it happened. I still have trouble believeing it's real. I keep feeling like I need some kind of closure, like I just want to talk to someone that knew him. But I know I can't do that. 

Hello again Numb

Sorry this is on an old quote, I can't clear it for some reason.

Hope you get a better day today.  I read again your longer post.  I can understand how beaten and tired you feel.  Tired that your grieving, tired from all the wishing you could have him back, tired that you can't grieve openly, tired from the strain and tired from being tired.  I wonder how much longer you can survive without an emotional breakdown if you are not already having one.  If one type of counselling failed, try another.  Is there such a thing as a women's centre you could try, obviously away from your locality.  Sometimes they have a free counselling service.  I myself am very irritable and restless when I am not feeling sorrowful and really can't see any point.  I too function on auto pilot.  The days move forward but I dont.  I also feel as if I am "waiting".  Don't know what for but it does feel like that.  Please have another look online to see if you can find some one-to-one counselling services.  You must feel as if you are imprisoned with no escape. 

This is such a lot of pain to carry alone, like you say it would be better for if he had told a close confidante then you could have another outlet for your pain - did he mention any close friends, relative etc.

I hope your day is as peaceful as possible.  Warmest regards.

 

[Zara19]

On 27/01/2017 at 10:30 PM, Numb and Lost said:

Thank you. It is very distressing. I'm sorry your you and your sister are both grieving. That's a lot of tragedy for one family. How is your sister doing now after two years? I hide it when I'm at home at night so I break down pretty much every time I'm in my car, shower, etc. Every day it still shocks me that it happened. I still have trouble believeing it's real. I keep feeling like I need some kind of closure, like I just want to talk to someone that knew him. But I know I can't do that. 

Numb

Have you thought about buying yourself the most gorgeous and prettiest book you can find and writing to your loved one everyday as though you were talking to him.  I do and it is a comfort, mostly but not always.  It's just a thought.

[KayC]

Zara, There should be something that you can click on to clear it, but if not, usually if you select it by clicking on the X then hit delete, it'll get rid of old quotes.

When each of us lost our partner, we didn't know how to do life without them.  This is something we have to figure out but in the beginning we're too busy just trying to make it through the day, and trying to process our grief.  It takes quite a while for reality to sink in let alone process it.  Later is when we work on how to create a life for ourselves, it really does take a lot of time and effort to figure out how to incorporate a life for ourselves that we can do.  Try not to focus on that right now though, right now it's just make it through today.

[Numb and Lost]

13 minutes ago, Zara19 said:

Numb

Have you thought about buying yourself the most gorgeous and prettiest book you can find and writing to your loved one everyday as though you were talking to him.  I do and it is a comfort, mostly but not always.  It's just a thought.

I have a fake email account that I have written things to him in once or twice. I just send it to myself to that same account. Sometimes I write something on his fb wall but I don't pose it I just cancel it. He has a sister he was close to. I don't know her, but when he died I sent a message saying sorry for her loss like I was just an old friend or something. I knew if she knew she would say something. But she just said thank you. I have thought a few times about telling her but I guess it's just too risky. He had several close friends but I don't know any of them and of course have no idea if they knew about me. There is one guy I was friends with in high school that he was friends with. But I don't know if they were close friends recently. I thought about messaging him but again I'm just kind of scared to. I don't think he would tell anyone but I would hate for him to start messaging me after that or anything. People have told me to try not to think about his last moments but I can't help it. I think he died instantly but I just think about him riding on his way home before that, wondering what he was thinking about. I wonder if he saw it coming at all and had time to think "this is it" I have had two near death experiences and while I knew it very well could be if I just thought I would make it out. I wonder if he thought that too, if he braced himself for impact thinking it would be bad but ok. I know there is no sense in thinking about those things but I can't help it. I hate reading all the past tense posts about him on his Facebook wall. I don't like to think of him in past tense. I like to think of him leaving here and immediately going to heaven. I don't like it when people talk about him as if he no longer exists. Do you feel that way too? 

[KMB]

Numb and Lost,---Dwelling on his passing and trying to imagine how it all happened, what he might have been thinking, is unhealthy.  You don't know what his last moments were like. Why would you want to know? It compounds the grieving and the emotions you are already dealing with. I don't feel that he would want you to keep thinking of all that. Our loved ones want us to remember the good times, the strong, loved filled moments shared. Count your blessings that you were not there to witness his passing in that horrific accident. He would not have wanted you to see that.

[Numb and Lost]

4 hours ago, KMB said:

Numb and Lost,---Dwelling on his passing and trying to imagine how it all happened, what he might have been thinking, is unhealthy.  You don't know what his last moments were like. Why would you want to know? It compounds the grieving and the emotions you are already dealing with. I don't feel that he would want you to keep thinking of all that. Our loved ones want us to remember the good times, the strong, loved filled moments shared. Count your blessings that you were not there to witness his passing in that horrific accident. He would not have wanted you to see that.

I know it can't be healthy and I don't know why I think about it. I guess I just think about that night before and I remember looking at Facebook and seeing him active which I liked to see, that just made me feel like I had a connection to him and then I went to sleep. My last night of being me and feeling normal. So it isn't so much that I think about the moment he died or how he was killed. I just think about him having a normal night and leaving. I don't really think about the accident itself just him getting on that motorcycle to ride home. I can't even explain it really. I guess it's just thinking of the last day he was here. I wish I could explain it better. It's not really the bad parts of it I think about. It's just the craziest thing to see his face so clearly in my mind, he had his whole life seemingly ahead of him with lots of goals and dreams and suddenly without warning he is just gone. I really have trouble wrapping my head around it. I find myself looking at the clouds and the sunsets a lot, like I'm just thinking about him in heaven I guess. I've never lost anyone I was close to that healthy and young and for it to be a man I loved so dearly it is just so so hard.

[KMB]

I understand you, Numb and Lost. I think about my husband, his last day and evening were so normal, then he was gone. It is what it is. There is no comprehending death and the how and when of it. We, ourselves, don't know the when and how of our own passings, when that time comes. We do not have control of that aspect of living this life.

Just picture your boyfriend getting on his beloved motorcycle and driving it up to Heaven. He was happy in that moment he got on the bike. You are grieving and it is going to take a while for you to wrap your head around it, we are all in the same boat here. There are questions to which we'll never understand or get answers to. It is a matter of acceptance, which we all have to deal with in our own way.

[Zara19]

6 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I have a fake email account that I have written things to him in once or twice. I just send it to myself to that same account. Sometimes I write something on his fb wall but I don't pose it I just cancel it. He has a sister he was close to. I don't know her, but when he died I sent a message saying sorry for her loss like I was just an old friend or something. I knew if she knew she would say something. But she just said thank you. I have thought a few times about telling her but I guess it's just too risky. He had several close friends but I don't know any of them and of course have no idea if they knew about me. There is one guy I was friends with in high school that he was friends with. But I don't know if they were close friends recently. I thought about messaging him but again I'm just kind of scared to. I don't think he would tell anyone but I would hate for him to start messaging me after that or anything. People have told me to try not to think about his last moments but I can't help it. I think he died instantly but I just think about him riding on his way home before that, wondering what he was thinking about. I wonder if he saw it coming at all and had time to think "this is it" I have had two near death experiences and while I knew it very well could be if I just thought I would make it out. I wonder if he thought that too, if he braced himself for impact thinking it would be bad but ok. I know there is no sense in thinking about those things but I can't help it. I hate reading all the past tense posts about him on his Facebook wall. I don't like to think of him in past tense. I like to think of him leaving here and immediately going to heaven. I don't like it when people talk about him as if he no longer exists. Do you feel that way too? 

Hello again Numb

No one talks about my Husband at all unfortunately so I don't start the conversation in case it makes them uncomfortable.  I have had a very bad day today because all I do is dwell, and dwell and dwell again - and then some.  Like yourself, all the unanswered/unanswerable questions - that's why I understand how shattered you feel.  

I suppose it may be best after all in not trying to seek out people he may have told as you never really know where things may lead to.  The last thing you need are difficult consequences when you are distressed already.

I hope you are getting through the day as best you can.  I have had many tears today. Feeling so bad.  Take care.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Numb and Lost]

45 minutes ago, Zara19 said:

Hello again Numb

No one talks about my Husband at all unfortunately so I don't start the conversation in case it makes them uncomfortable.  I have had a very bad day today because all I do is dwell, and dwell and dwell again - and then some.  Like yourself, all the unanswered/unanswerable questions - that's why I understand how shattered you feel.  

I suppose it may be best after all in not trying to seek out people he may have told as you never really know where things may lead to.  The last thing you need are difficult consequences when you are distressed already.

I hope you are getting through the day as best you can.  I have had many tears today. Feeling so bad.  Take care.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So sorry you are having a bad day. I havent gone a day without shedding tears so far. It's been about a month since he died, how long has it been for you? How old was he if you don't mind me asking? I don't see me ever getting to a point that I am okay after this. When we weren't seeing each other I was beyond depressed even then, but this is just incomprehensible. Every day I am still shocked. I know right now I just need to focus on getting through each day, but the thought of being here for another 50 plus years with this pain really scares me. 

[DonnaR3]

My grief has been so bad recently.  I couldn't even come on here to talk things out. I can't even pinpoint why it's been really bad recently. I guess it's the stages of grief. Thank god for my sister and friends because they are my rock but I think they are tired of me. They don't know what else to say to me to help me. My sister thinks I should go on anti depressants but I really didn't want to start them. I wake up every morning and wonder how I am going to get through this day. It's a horrible feeling. I feel like a zombie everyday. It just don't get easier.  Believe or not I am the happiest when I'm in my house that we shared together.  I feel his presence and the happy times we had here.   All his stuff is still here I don't have it in me to even think about packing it up.  All his tv shows are still taping on the Dvr.  It sounds weird but another thing I can't stop  it makes me feel like he didn't exist  I want to sell my house because it is just too big for me alone but I'm scared I'm going to forget all the wonderful memories we had here  

Feb is a month fill of memories for me. It's valentine day and Ken started this tradition when we met to get me a rose in different colors dipped in gold. My collection is now over. I will have no more roses to put in my vase that sits on my mantle. Also I got engaged in February one of the happiest days I had with him and my mother passed away in February so maybe this is why I am feeling the way I do.  

There were times I left for work not kissing him bye and telling him I loved him because I didn't want to bother him or I was too lazy to go back upstairs you tell him.  That guilt is driving me crazy  I know he knew I loved him but all these things go through my head. Before he passed away we told each other we forgave each other for all the stupid fights we had and we have no regrets.  We had a great life together.  I wouldn't have done nearly the stuff we did together if I never met him.  I still feel guilty about things.  

How do I continue on without him?  The love of my life, my best friend, my everything. I have had a lot of loss in my life my grandparents,  my parents but this is so different. I had Ken to turn too and he helped me through them. Losing your husband is so much different especially so young. We were suppose to grow old together. We used to say we will be the couple in their 80s still holding hands. 

 

[Zara19]

On 29/01/2017 at 10:49 PM, Numb and Lost said:

So sorry you are having a bad day. I havent gone a day without shedding tears so far. It's been about a month since he died, how long has it been for you? How old was he if you don't mind me asking? I don't see me ever getting to a point that I am okay after this. When we weren't seeing each other I was beyond depressed even then, but this is just incomprehensible. Every day I am still shocked. I know right now I just need to focus on getting through each day, but the thought of being here for another 50 plus years with this pain really scares me. 

Hello Numb

I haven't read all the posts for a while but just thought I would drop you a line to say I hope you have started to feel a bit more settled?  Hope that you have.  Kind regards.

[KMB]

DonnaR3, Hang in there.We are enduring the toughest trial of our lives. Surviving our partners. Basic survival. Using everything we have in us to get through each day. Learning how to cope, adapt, adjust, to coexist with our pain of loss. It is a lot to take on. Just remember to breathe, one day at a time.Keep posting. We are all in this together.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, DonnaR3 said:

My sister thinks I should go on anti depressants but I really didn't want to start them.

Donna,

I'm glad you have your sister (I have a sister named Donna!) but I hope you can relay to her that what you are going through is not depression, but grief, even though it might display similar as depression, the cause is different and so is how it is treated.  With a chemical imbalance, antidepressants are corrective.  However, with grief, we need to go straight through the grief, feel and experience it in order to process it and come through to find purpose and build a life for ourselves we can live with.  It takes a while and a lot of effort and grief work.  We can see a Grief Counselor, attend a grief support group, read and post here, journal, cry, scream, and eventually work on building a life for ourselves, one that involves doing something positive for ourselves and others and building relationships.  There is no set timeline as we're all different, we all handle things differently and go about things different.   But it will happen as we work at it.

Right now you are right where you're supposed to be in this grief journey, taking a day at a time, surviving, and that is enough for now.

[Numb and Lost]

6 hours ago, Zara19 said:

Hello Numb

I haven't read all the posts for a while but just thought I would drop you a line to say I hope you have started to feel a bit more settled?  Hope that you have.  Kind regards.

Hi, thank you for thinking of me. I was feeling a bit better but then I had some really terrible days beginning Thursday into today. It just hits me like a ton of bricks sometimes that I won't see him or hear his voice again and I will never love like I loved him and I just can't stand it. I just took a xanax today and I haven't been out of bed. I had a really bad panic attack the other day and my normally very low blood pressure was really high and I was shaking so much I couldn't type. I'm calm right now but I'm crying.  I've been crying most of the day. I don't feel like I can ever be happy again, not even for a moment. I just loved him so much and I just want to see his smile. I wonder if he thinks of me where he is, or if I meant even half as much to him. Not knowing the answer to that hurts the most. I feel like no one understands except for you all here. Even when I talk to counselors I feel they don't understand. My friends certainly don't understand. I don't think anyone can until someone they love becomes out of reach in this way. How are you doing? Are you coping ok? I think I asked you before but I have forgotten how long it has been since your loss? 

[Zara19]

13 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

Hi, thank you for thinking of me. I was feeling a bit better but then I had some really terrible days beginning Thursday into today. It just hits me like a ton of bricks sometimes that I won't see him or hear his voice again and I will never love like I loved him and I just can't stand it. I just took a xanax today and I haven't been out of bed. I had a really bad panic attack the other day and my normally very low blood pressure was really high and I was shaking so much I couldn't type. I'm calm right now but I'm crying.  I've been crying most of the day. I don't feel like I can ever be happy again, not even for a moment. I just loved him so much and I just want to see his smile. I wonder if he thinks of me where he is, or if I meant even half as much to him. Not knowing the answer to that hurts the most. I feel like no one understands except for you all here. Even when I talk to counselors I feel they don't understand. My friends certainly don't understand. I don't think anyone can until someone they love becomes out of reach in this way. How are you doing? Are you coping ok? I think I asked you before but I have forgotten how long it has been since your loss? 

Hello Numb

Sorry you have had to take a tablet, sometimes you feel worse for doing so.  I lost my Husband a day after my birthday on 6th October last year.  I am not coping well, as like you I feel he was snatched off me before his time.  It is the unanswered questions that really get to you as we have no way of asking now or even telling our partners how we appreciated them and that makes everything much worse doesn't it.  The thing is we always think we will have the day after, and after, and things go unsaid.  That's hard to accept I know. I find people tire of our situation after so long and think we should be over things but we can't be can we.  Your situation makes things more difficult for you I know.

Hope you are feeling more settled today.  Take care.