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Life is so hard without the love of my life


DonnaR3

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Numb and Lost
1 hour ago, Zara19 said:

 The thing is we always think we will have the day after, and after, and things go unsaid.  

That is so true. The very last conversation we had was when he asked me to see him and I really didn't have enough time that day. We both had to pick up our children. He said well that's ok we will just see each other tomorrow. That was the last conversation we had besides the text he sent me I was unable to respond to. Tomorrow never came. 

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Feeling so sad right now. Can't stop the tears. I miss him so much. I just spoke to his sister. This just made an already bad day worse. He just had one sibling and his dad and even though we all got along fine I feel like I'm drifting apart from them. It makes me sad. It feels like I'm losing a connection to my husband somehow. Can't really explain it. It's like I'm becoming an outsider. 

Just want to be able to breathe again. 

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Nads, Just focus on breathing and making it through another day. I know what you are saying when it comes to your husband's family. My husband was an only child and his parents are in Heaven, so I like to think that they are reunited spiritually. My husband has 2 adult children from a previous relationship. His son lives next door. He's there for me when I need something but he prefers living his quiet, bachelor life. The daughter lives 20 miles away and her way of dealing with her dad being gone is to walk away from her brother and I. I hope she changes her mind someday on how important family is. It all makes me more sad and depressed.

Somehow, we will get ourselves in an easier way of living. Prayers to you.

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Nads.... I know the feeling. I just spoke to my mother in law and made a bad day even worse.  We are no good for each other. We just make each other cry. I promised my husband that I would stay in touch with his mother and brother but I feel like his brother is drifting away and just going on with his life. 

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KMB, Donna....thanks for being here. It's uncanny that somehow all of us have parallel lives. At any given time one of us is or has experienced what the other is feeling. Guess it's what makes us human and connect us regardless of where we may be in the world. We speak the universal language of grief. One, which none of us here ever wanted to know. But yet here we all are. Stuck in this endless whirlwind...losing any sense of our selves because we dared to love and be loved unconditionally. A love that we wouldn't trade for anything. I wish my arms could reach around all of us because I would give us all a big hug because sometimes it's all we might need....a hug, a nod, a smile from someone who knows and gets what we are going through. I for one need this more than ever. No one I know gets it. I just wish there was someone I could just cry with who wouldn't try to offer advice or try to say something reasonable, who would just leave me to scream it all out so I can exhale for a bit. I actually need a hug. Wish my mom was still here...i feel I just want to feel vulnerable and safe at the same time and she could have done that for me with just one of her hugs. It's the kind of comfort I felt when Stan would just hold me and I didn't have to say a word because he just got it. I miss him so much. 

Much love and prayers to all. 

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Nads, I'm sorry.  George's family forgot about me the moment he was gone, it amazed me.  You're right, this is like we have parallel lives. We don't wish it on anyone here yet at the same time we're grateful there are those here that understand.

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Numb and Lost

I don't have any connections to him of course and I hate that because it makes it feel like he will slip away more. I'm scared one day he will be an old distant memory and while I know I'll still love him he will feel distant and it will seem like ages ago. I'm scared I will have a hard time recalling his mannerisms and smile. I have no videos or sound of his voice to keep. I really don't think I could ever forget his smile though. I want to heal but at the same time I never want to forget how he made me feel because it made me so happy and I know I won't feel that again. It's been almost two months now and yet I still feel like sometimes I can't even process it. Like it just isn't true.

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Numb, I know what you mean about it seeming like ages ago, but for me that's already happening only a week or so in. It feels like the life I shared with her for 6 years is already a distant memory, something from a different time and place, a different world, a different universe. 

I do have a lot of audio recordings of her, and some videos as well, but for now I have not been able to bring myself to listen or watch. She was always so cheerful. So happy. So full of life. Seeing her like that now, or even thinking of her that way, just brings tears to my eyes. I hope that someday I'll be able to watch those videos and listen to that audio and smile, remembering the love we shared, but right now, the pain is still too raw.

But what I can say is that you'll never actually forget any of those things. You won't forget his quirks, his voice, what he looked like, how he acted. Those things will always be a part of you. They say that those we lose live on in us. It's of little comfort especially at the beginning but it is kind of true. We carry their memory with us until our last days. We are now the guardians of the truth, the ones who know the true person who was lost, the ones who remember them in all of their glory, their perfection and their imperfection. 

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Fzald.... so sorry for your loss. Try to take one day at a time. It will be four months on feb 13 when I lost my husband the love of my life. I still feel numb. When I look at pictures and watch the videos I have it makes me sad. I come across our wedding DVD I said to myself will I ever be able to watch it again. I hope one day I will.  Stay strong. 

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17 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I don't have any connections to him of course and I hate that because it makes it feel like he will slip away more. I'm scared one day he will be an old distant memory and while I know I'll still love him he will feel distant and it will seem like ages ago. I'm scared I will have a hard time recalling his mannerisms and smile. I have no videos or sound of his voice to keep. I really don't think I could ever forget his smile though. I want to heal but at the same time I never want to forget how he made me feel because it made me so happy and I know I won't feel that again. It's been almost two months now and yet I still feel like sometimes I can't even process it. Like it just isn't true.

Numb and Lost,

I have no videos of my husband.  I have no recordings of his voice.  Yet here it is nearly 12 years later and I still remember his smell, the sound of his voice, the way it felt when he held me.  It does seem distant, sometimes I feel like I made him up, did I ever really have him in my life?  Yes, I did, time is weird but our love is as true as it always was, nothing has changed except his physical body gave out and he's left with no speech to tell me he loves me and no arms to hold me with.  I believe we'll all be rejoined and have new bodies and we'll be reunited once again, so I continue in faith with that hope that is ours.

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Numb and Lost

Fzald I have that distant feeling too answer it's been about a month and a half. It's funny how you can remember something like it is happening now so clearly and yet it can seem so far away at the same time. He was like that too, always smiling happy and positive. Full of life. 

KayC thoughts of that reunion is all that keeps me going. I believe we are living in end times so I hope it is sooner rather than later.

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Numb and Lost----I feel that we are also living in end times. This world has gotten so crazy with selfishness and negativity. I don't pay attention to the news like I once did. I miss my husband so much and wander aimlessly around or hiding out in bed to find relief from the constant pain and aloneness. I don't know how to *do* this life except take it day by day.

I just keep wishing for that someday reunion to come quickly. I think all of us feel the same way. Our pain and suffering without our loves has a reason which will become known to us eventually.

Hang in there. Prayers of comfort to you.

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I hate this life, I hate being here without my husband. Don't know how much more  of this I can take. I am nothing without him. I know that I am suppose to carry on for him but what's the use. I am so tired of just trying to survive. I went to a small gathering tonight. It was my cousin's birthday. Only after a couple of minutes  of being there I realized I was the ninth wheel... four couples and myself. How awful I felt!! This is what my life is now. I always felt so proud to be out with my husband at gatherings such as this. Now I'm just the pathetic one who everyone feels sorry for and they don't know how to be around me! No one even talks about him. I'm not sure if they have just forgotten about him or are afraid to bring him up when I am around so as to not make me sad. I'm so tired of all these "adjustments" !!!! It's so unfair. All of this is to all of us here!!!

Forgive me. I've just been having a couple of really hard days. I miss him so much. I'm exhausted in every way. I just wish I wasn't here anymore. I just want to be with my Stan. I love him so very much. 

Bless us all. 

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8 hours ago, Nads said:

I hate this life, I hate being here without my husband. Don't know how much more  of this I can take. I am nothing without him. I know that I am suppose to carry on for him but what's the use. I am so tired of just trying to survive. I went to a small gathering tonight. It was my cousin's birthday. Only after a couple of minutes  of being there I realized I was the ninth wheel... four couples and myself. How awful I felt!! This is what my life is now. I always felt so proud to be out with my husband at gatherings such as this. Now I'm just the pathetic one who everyone feels sorry for and they don't know how to be around me! No one even talks about him. I'm not sure if they have just forgotten about him or are afraid to bring him up when I am around so as to not make me sad. I'm so tired of all these "adjustments" !!!! It's so unfair. All of this is to all of us here!!!

Forgive me. I've just been having a couple of really hard days. I miss him so much. I'm exhausted in every way. I just wish I wasn't here anymore. I just want to be with my Stan. I love him so very much. 

Bless us all. 

Nads,

I'm so sorry for the state you're in. I'm right there with you. These last few days have seen a decline for me. I'm not sure what's going on, I think it's the hard reality that everyone else has carried on, I'm still here, without my beloved, without rhyme or reason. Your feelings of feeling like the "ninth" wheel, I know what you mean. People not really knowing what to say. This is one of those mornings I want to stay in bed. I have to go to work, but God knows I want to just sleep all day. Nads, I'd like to hug you, sit with you, and cry like a baby. I'm a 45 year old man and I've cried more this last 5-6 weeks than I think I have my entire life combined. And I'm far from finished. I just want to sleep. I'm so very, very tired. I'm running on auto pilot, and I'm just tired. Nads, hang on. Just hang on. 

Peace and comfort, 

Andy

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Numb and Lost

Thank you KMB, I beg Jesus every day to just go ahead and come get us. I find myself just staring at the clouds ALL the time. 

Andy auto pilot is exactly how I have described it too. I feel like I just get up and push myself through every day waiting on the day to be over with. 

Nads I've also felt like I just don't want to be here. 

My friends that know are pretty much done listening to me except for one. I'm sure she is getting tired of hearing about it too. But at least she's been supportive. After I talked to one friend yesterday she just made me feel so much worse. I had to take a xanax after I hung up with her. I heard in her voice that she just doesn't think I should still be this bad. Like it just wasn't that big of a deal. I told her I wish I would have asked him this and that. She said well but it doesn't matter now he's gone and you need to focus on what's here. Well it hasn't even been quite two months yet first of all. I'm so tired of hearing "he's gone it doesn't matter anymore" well it matters to me!! His memory matters to me and how he felt here, or gone matters to me!!!! And again one friend said "well you don't know there may have been others" Why would someone say that to me????? How would that help me?? I hate to lose friends I've had for half my life but honestly if they can't be here for me in a time like this why continue that friendship. I know sometimes people just don't know what to say but I've always been there for them whether I knew what to say or not. I certainly would never downplay someone's loss or downplay the feelings that were there for someone. I think they feel because it was an affair it just shouldn't matter as much and since it was wrong in the first place I should just let it go, let his memory go, and move along. Well it doesn't work like that. I'll never love anyone like  I did him affair, or not. I loved him for years!! It's not like I met him yesterday!! I also find it funny one of these friends has had like 6 affairs. Maybe that is why she can't understand love in the first place. When I love I love deep. I'm 33 and I have only had 3 relationships period. I know this is long but I am just venting. So irritated today!!!!!

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12 hours ago, Nads said:

I hate this life, I hate being here without my husband. Don't know how much more  of this I can take. I am nothing without him. I know that I am suppose to carry on for him but what's the use. I am so tired of just trying to survive. I went to a small gathering tonight. It was my cousin's birthday. Only after a couple of minutes  of being there I realized I was the ninth wheel... four couples and myself. How awful I felt!! This is what my life is now. I always felt so proud to be out with my husband at gatherings such as this. Now I'm just the pathetic one who everyone feels sorry for and they don't know how to be around me! No one even talks about him. I'm not sure if they have just forgotten about him or are afraid to bring him up when I am around so as to not make me sad. I'm so tired of all these "adjustments" !!!! It's so unfair. All of this is to all of us here!!!

Forgive me. I've just been having a couple of really hard days. I miss him so much. I'm exhausted in every way. I just wish I wasn't here anymore. I just want to be with my Stan. I love him so very much. 

Bless us all. 

Nads.  You hit right on.  I feel the same way. It's so hard to face each day without by Ken. 

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On 2/8/2017 at 8:20 AM, Numb and Lost said:

KayC thoughts of that reunion is all that keeps me going. I believe we are living in end times so I hope it is sooner rather than later.

With all that's going on in the world and esp. in our own country, I have to wonder too.

Numb and Lost, I'm sorry you're going through it, I think your statement below is so telling!

2 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I also find it funny one of these friends has had like 6 affairs. Maybe that is why she can't understand love in the first place. When I love I love deep.

 

14 hours ago, Nads said:

I'm exhausted in every way. I just wish I wasn't here anymore.

I'm sorry, I know how hard it is.  I understand your feelings, we've all felt the same way.  You are probably right that they're afraid to bring him up but they needn't be afraid of stirring a hornet's nest, for us, they are ALWAYS on our minds anyway!

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Nads, DonnaR3---I'm with you in the same boat. I've been feeling worse as each day goes by. I guess the reality is sinking in more, if that is even possible. No one wants to talk about my husband anymore either. I feel like I am the only one who misses him. Maybe I am. We did spend a lot of our years virtually together. I am totally exhausted also. I am emotionally and mentally wrung out. This going on alone just plain sucks. It is such a lonely journey.

We have to hang onto this boat together, all of us here. I'm hoping I don't fall overboard, because I don't know how to swim.

Nads, I wish I could be with my husband too. So many times I ask the universe, the higher power, to just spirit me and the pets away to where my husband is. I wish so much to be able to go back to being our own little family again. I swear I don't know how people continue on without losing their sanity. I understand that our life is made up of many chapters. I cannot conceive this new life's chapter ever topping the chapter I had with my husband.

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KMB,

I don't think "the next chapter" tops it, but we do learn to live with it.  I doubt everyone has forgotten him but they may feel they shouldn't bring him up around you.  You might try broaching the subject with them.

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