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Life is so hard without the love of my life


DonnaR3

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I too am consoled by the fact that he doesn't have to go through grieving because I'm not sure how he would have made it through....I think I was always the stronger one. 

Had a difficult day today but I somehow made it through. Don't know what tomorrow will be like but as we all say here...one moment at a time. 

Hope I get some sleep tonight because I having a really hard time doing that these nights.....even though whenever I wake up the reality hits me like a ton of bricks. 

Hang in there

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Today was  a terrible day.  I cried off and on all day.   I am so glad this day is about over.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a little better. I am going to try and get a good night sleep which is very difficult for me. I fall asleep but I don't stay asleep for long and as soon as my eyes open no matter what time it is reality is back.  I feel my days are getting worse but I am trying to take one moment at a time and don't think about what will happen next but it is so hard.   

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Donna....I feel as though I could have written what you just wrote because that's exactly the kind of day I had and I too don't really sleep at nights and when I do wake up and my brain won't shut off and I can't stop thinking about that moment I lost him. Hope we both get some rest and feel strong enough to face another day of this. 

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Today is the worst day I have had in a long time.  Cried in my office at work on and off all day.  Cried at lunch with a co-worker.  Cried at a retirement party for another co-worker.  Cried at the grocery store.  Cried driving.  Cried making dinner.  

I miss my husband so much. 

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Numb and Lost

That's sounds like most of my days lately. It's so new. Y'all on this site are my only support. My few friends I confided in are tired of me talking about it I can tell. People make me so made saying you have to accept he's gone, you have to move on, you don't need to keep looking at his picture, you have to keep living and just try to forget about it and get your mind on other things, you don't need to try and memorialize him it doesn't help you. One simple text "he's gone now he isn't coming back" just furiates me. Like I don't know that!!

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This is grieving---roller coaster emotions, on and off crying spells. Brain fog. No sleep.Loving them, Missing them. Changes. Challenges. The list goes on.

But yet, we are still somehow here, breathing and surviving. God bless us all.

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Today makes it 80 days since I lost him and it's also the anniversary of the day we met. I miss him so much. I wish we had more time together. I feel so sad today. I want my husband back. I want to be with him. Life is so empty and has no meaning. All I have managed to do so far today is make myself a cup of tea. I go back out to work on Monday so I need to get myself prepared but feel I can't even begin. 

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I had to be out and driving before daylight to pick up my son (70 mile round trip) and drop him off at his place. His car had to go into the shop. Couldn't let him walk home 2 miles in below 0 temps. Hit hard again when I got home here. My husband is not here for comfort and understanding. I have had to face so many things alone.

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My heart goes out to you all...the lack of sleep, having to adjust to being alone, doing things alone, I know it's hard.  I'm still not liking it.
And people saying stupid things!  As long as there are people, they will say stupid things.  Let yourself feel your anger over it and then try to let it go.  Try not to hold it against the person...we know they mean well, just totally miss the mark.  And I always thank God they DON'T know what they're talking about, it means they're spared my agony.  Lord knows I wouldn't wish this on another person.

KMB, I hope you don't have to go out in this again.  it was 8 here yesterday, today it's snowing (sticking) like crazy and freezing rain predictions through tomorrow morning.  I'll be spending my day shoveling again.  sigh...

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It's alright, KayC---I had assumed my son's car would not get out of the shop until Monday. No one was sure what the problems were and the shop was only open until noon today. An hour and a half after I got home, my son calls and says the car is done. I had to drive again and just managed to pick him up and get him there before the shop closed. The problem turned out to be a $50. fix and my son is happy to have his car for work tomorrow night. All thanks to mom. I sometimes think that is my whole purpose now. My kids have all had challenges in their lives and mom has always come to the rescue along with balancing out the care of my husband. With my husband in Heaven now, the kids do seem to be needing me more. Which is fine, I need to be needed now. We get your rain and snow Monday thru Wednesday.

To top off the day, I avoided the chance to join my husband. On the way home, going north, I noticed a small green car speeding and passing up the cars going south. He was in my lane and kept coming. I just managed to pull over to the shoulder before there would have been a head on accident. It was a guy driving and he looked scared. Then along comes a cop car chasing him. I called my son and told him what had happened. He told me the cops have been going crazy in that county due to some drug activity.

 Missing my husband so very much and his comforting presence. Maybe he was with me and helped me avoid what could have been a deadly accident.

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The first thought that entered my mind when I woke up is how do I get through another day.  It snowed here yesterday we got 6 inches of snow.  I had to drive in it  because I had to work. I never had to do that because my husband would take me. I was so scared driving in it it was terrible.  Now today I'm facing digging out. I never had to think about this stuff. He always did it himself or he found someone to do it. I have been calling places but nobody seems to want the job to plow my driveway and my walkway.  All I know is I'm not doing it.  May sound selfish but I have too much other stuff going on to shovel.   I was hoping one of my neighbors would feel bad and at least do my walkway since they all know my husband isn't here. The sad part is he did theirs all the time but that was the kind of person he was loving kind hearted.  He didn't even care if the favor was returned.  When he was alive I still hated the snow but it was bearable, we used to light a fire watch movies and just snuggle on the sofa just enjoying the time together.  I'm actually a home body so I didn't care we were home as long as we were together.  My days are seeming to get worse.  Why did this have to happen to us?  I keep on asking this question and nobody has an answer for me. I miss him so much. He was my life, my everything.  

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KMB,

So glad you averted that driver!  It's too scary to think about.

I spent all day shoveling because the inch they predicted was over a foot.  Today it's raining but I still can't get out because the county never plowed our road...they went right by it.  I will be talking with someone come Monday, they couldn't even deliver mail to us because the county hasn't maintained the road at all!  I hope you don't get much this week...we're supposed to get more tomorrow on.

Donna,

I'm sorry you're facing that too.  It's very hard being alone when snow storms hit.  I haven't found neighbors to care.  When I was young my kids and I used to shovel the driveways of the elderly, but now kids have expensive toys and aren't taught to care about the elderly.

I hear you...snow was very different when George was alive too...we'd snuggle by the fire and watch movies too.  It's lost it's romance and allure for me...now it's just more work...alone.

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We haven't had any real snow yet this year so I think I shoveled once.  My husband also did all the neighbors driveways and walks because he had this big snow blower.  A neighbor came over a few weeks back and showed me how to use it, but I admit, I am a bit scared of it so not sure I will use it when we do get a big snow. 

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We are all enduring so much and facing many scary things by ourselves. Our husbands took care of many things just because that is what men do. Men are of action, being productive, doing what they can to take care of their home and family. If there is no one around or willing to help us, we have to cope on our own. There is a will for survival going on there and while it hurts like no other pain could compare, to be without our spouses, somehow we grit our teeth, let the tears roll down and we soldier on.

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With the back breaking shoveling I've done this winter, if I had a snow blower and someone to show me how to use it, I'd give it a get go!  I'm getting to where I hate snow.  Gone are the days we could sit inside and watch it anyway, to me it just means canceled plans and lots of hard work.

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I'm so with you, KayC. I used to love watching it snow. Mother nature doing her thing and the snow being so pretty, covering everything with its whiteness. I used to love being outside in a softly falling snow. Now, I watch it, still amazingly, thinking it's pretty from inside the comfort of the house. But afterwards, damn, I have to shovel and whatnot by myself.

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The first thought that entered my mind when I woke up is how do I get through another day.  It snowed here yesterday we got 6 inches of snow.  I had to drive in it  because I had to work. I never had to do that because my husband would take me. I was so scared driving in it it was terrible.  Now today I'm facing digging out. I never had to think about this stuff. He always did it himself or he found someone to do it. I have been calling places but nobody seems to want the job to plow my driveway and my walkway.  All I know is I'm not doing it.  May sound selfish but I have too much other stuff going on to shovel.   I was hoping one of my neighbors would feel bad and at least do my walkway since they all know my husband isn't here. The sad part is he did theirs all the time but that was the kind of person he was loving kind hearted.  He didn't even care if the favor was returned.  When he was alive I still hated the snow but it was bearable, we used to light a fire watch movies and just snuggle on the sofa just enjoying the time together.  I'm actually a home body so I didn't care we were home as long as we were together.  My days are seeming to get worse.  Why did this have to happen to us?  I keep on asking this question and nobody has an answer for me. I miss him so much. He was my life, my everything.  

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The weather here in Jersey is cold and icy.  It just makes me more sad.  It's too cold to do anything so after work I came home to an empty house barely ate dinner because I rarely have an appetite and went to bed. I barely functioned today. Again I just did the motions of life. Nothing really makes me happy anymore.  I had a great marriage there are things we did together that I would have never did if I didn't meet my husband. He made me happy. My family is about to have a new edition my niece is having her third child on Wednesday and it's sad to say I'm not even excited about it. Since me and my husband never had kids they were like our kids. He loved them so much and it's sad to see them hurting too because they miss him.  They talk about him all the time about the fun times we had together.  They tell me they talk to him every night before they go to bed. I try not to cry in front of them but when they say things like that I say to myself why him. Why was he taken from us?  It's not fair. 

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Donna,

I so feel your pain and grief - I'm so truly sorry.  My angel (my husband) did everything as well (paying bills, shoveling snow; mowing the lawn (or making sure it was done) - little things (or so I thought) like fixing light fixtures, cleaning the furnace, cleaning the catch basin, so many other everyday chores that I can't think of off hand.  He was my handy man - if something needed to be fixed I knew he'd fix it or have it fixed.   Since my angel passed,  I've learned not to depend on too many people.  On cold nights (just as this one) my husband and I would also snuggle up drinking hot cocoa and/or hot tea watching a good movie.  We were always together in whatever we did and loved each other and each other's company.    Believe me, I know your pain.  I've even been to a grief counselor to help me deal with this horrific ordeal.  While its somewhat good, I still wanted assurance that he was OK. A few days after seen the counselor for the first time something happened to me that was remarkable.   I shared it in another post.   God revealed to me that my husband was OK and that lifted a great weight from my heart. 

I can't answer your question as to 'Why, this happened, only God can; but I believe we are spiritual beings living a human experience and when our work is done on this earth, we will be called home and return to  our real form "spirits".   Love your husband and miss him - I know I miss mine and will always.  But know that when your earthly work is done, you too will return to the spirit along with your husband's spirit to live in eternity.  That will be awesome.

My prayer is for you to find peace and assurance just as I did.  Open your heart and God will answer your prayers.

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I miss my husband terribly, but I don't ask why.  I don't ask because I don't want to know the answer as whatever it is, I wouldn't accept it, it wouldn't be a good enough reason for me.  He was a good man, who worked hard and his main goals in life were to be a good husband/father and help those less fortunate.  He worked on many projects to help those that had less than we do and those with mental illnesses.  He was such a wonderful person.  

I have had a few experiences where I know he is ok now as well and that he still loves me.  They helped wonderfully, but it doesn't take away the ache of being here without him.

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Emeliza

Nothing takes the ache away. We have to coexist with it and it is hard. I'm watching a snow storm here. The wind is blowing and the snow is coming down. I am feeling lonely, lost and scared. Have to endure life alone.

Prayers for all of us.

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Donna,

I never got an answer to "why", I learned to quit asking, I don't think there is a why, I think it just happened.  Maybe luck of the draw who gets to keep their husband for life and who loses him too soon.  I got the short end of the stick, as did everyone else here.  Instead of trying to find meaning behind it, I just try to live with what is, what else can I do?  I am sorry you're getting the dreaded snow, I'm hating it.  It keeps snowing and snowing with no breaks.  I keep shoveling and shoveling until by back hurts and I'm bone weary.  I have no one to do things for me, I have to do them myself.  I pray you're safe traveling.  It seems everything is on hold in this area, I can't buy groceries, get to work (I do the books for our church) or anything else.  Even walking the dog is treacherous, it's all on ice.  It's hard to stand up to shovel.  Lord help us through this winter.  I think this harsh winter only serves to exacerbate our feelings of hopelessness.  Hang on, Spring is coming...it may be a long while yet, but winter won't last forever!

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I have had a bad couple of days. My niece had her baby and all I can think of is that he will never meet his new nephew. It hurts so bad.  Everybody around me thinks I should be happy. Don't get me wrong I'm happy the baby is here and healthy.  My heart aches cause he isn't here for this happy time in our family. I feel I am getting worse.  

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2 hours ago, DonnaR3 said:

I feel I am getting worse.  

Congratulations to your niece.  How you are feeling is "normal" and the pain seems to ebb and flow.  Sometimes it is like one step forward, two steps back.  I thought I was doing pretty good with Christmas and New Years, but since 1/1/2017, I have come crashing back to crying all the time and just shuffling along trying to do what I know I need to.  

You are grieving and others are celebrating.  You are happy for them, but it doesn't change the grief.  

I am sorry he doesn't get to meet your nephew in the flesh.  Everything new is hard and a much of the old is too. 

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Donna,

What other people don't understand is that these momentous occasions are double-edged for us.  We are happy about the event, but so sad that we are not sharing it with our spouse.  So sad that he is missing out.  I like to think maybe he sees what is going on and is aware?  I sat alone on the front pew of the church when my son got married.  My husband should have been sitting with me.  I knew he'd be so happy for Paul.  When he graduated from college, several degrees, straight A's, no help from anyone and did so with no debt, he was the commencement speaker...my husband should have been sitting next to me listening to him.  After all, he loved and admired Paul.  He'd be so proud of him!!!  I miss my husband at each and every event.  The birth of my first grandchild.  Everything.  But maybe, just maybe, he's not missing as much as I think...maybe just maybe he was sitting next to me.

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15 hours ago, KayC said:

But maybe, just maybe, he's not missing as much as I think...maybe just maybe he was sitting next to me.

This brought me tears. Thank you for being with us here kayC. You are an inspiration.

When I think about my life and how I am going to survive it without my love, I think about you and how you have survived all these years without your George. I can't even imagine your pain.

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I haven't been here for a few weeks, but today I really felt like I needed to be among you who know better than most what I am going through.  

Reading all of your posts I could see similarities.  I keep asking myself how this could have happened?  Why did Donny have to die?  I know the answer, but right now it just doesn't feel very real.  I walk into a room and expect him to be there.  This hasn't happened for a while now and I find it disconcerting.  For years after my mother died I thought she wasn't really gone.  I thought I felt this way because I wasn't there as she left this world, but I was holding Donny as he left and I still can't quite believe he is gone.  

What I have come to realize it just because I have felt a certain way does not mean I am done with that feeling.  Grieving doesn't progress the way other things in life do.  I continue to try to take whatever comes my way as it happens and try hard to not anticipate what is next.  

Don's birthday is next week.  I can't help but think about it and I feel uneasy.  I will go to one of his favorite restaurants with our daughters and some close friends.  It began with the notion that I didn't want to be alone.  Now it is about celebrating Donny and I like that.  I am not thrilled to cry in public, but it is what it is.  

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Numb and Lost

I cry everywhere. Because of my situation this is particularly bad as I'm trying to hide this grief from my husband. Something just hits me and I have to run to the bathroom and cry. I don't feel like I want to be here anymore. I don't have suicidal thoughts or anything like that I just feel like I don't want to be here. I feel like there will never be anything to look forward to again and I will never feel happy again. I don't feel like he's gone because I just talked to him and I only found out on fb he was gone. Of course I couldn't go to the funeral or anything like that. I keep feeling like he will be back he's just gone. I even have dreams that I'm looking for him cause he's just missing. Or either I dream about finding out he died all over again. I wish I had someone to cry with that loved and cared about him like I did. But I'm just so alone. After not eating and nearly ten pounds lost I just now kind of started eating again. My entire rib cage was starting to show. I just feel like I'm dying inside and so alone. I used to be so scared of dying because I loved life so much and now I'm not at all. Being only 34 I'm scared to death I may be stuck feeling this way for 50 plus years. All I have are some pictures and a screenshot of a text to remember him by. That's it. I feel like I don't have the right to grieve him because he wasn't mine, yet I feel like a part of my soul was ripped out. I feel like the world is bleak and empty and I'll never feel whole again. 

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Sadif,

Thank you, that means a lot to me.  

14 hours ago, SF Gal said:

I still can't quite believe he is gone.

I felt like that too in the early months...now it feels like it was a dream that I ever had him. :(

14 hours ago, SF Gal said:

Now it is about celebrating Donny and I like that.

That sounds like a great idea!  Let us know how it goes.  I am alone in my grieving George...oh, my family loved him too but it's not the same as being his wife.  For them it doesn't go on and on and on.
 

 

13 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I just feel like I don't want to be here.

I think most of us have felt that way.  It will lessen eventually but you'll still probably have times you feel like that.  I do often, but I also feel times where I feel happy, even if only for a moment.  I guess it's improvement.

13 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I feel like I don't have the right to grieve him because he wasn't mine

We grieve because we love.  Anyone we lose that we love, we have the right to grieve...we can't HELP grieving!  You're feeling insecure about your relationship because of the circumstances, but try to quit doubting the love you shared, it existed and just because he died doesn't change what you had together.  

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 I too lost the love of my life a month and a half ago two days before we were going to be getting engaged as I found out after he died. He had a massive heart attack he was beautiful and healthy and it was something so unforeseen. I cannot function I feel like I am  poisoned with this heartache that is just killing me. I don't know how I'm going to move on from this amazing wonderful man that I waited 45 years to find. I'm so tired of people telling me I'm beautiful and I can find somebody and I'll be in love again because I don't see it happening and I just so sad I feel like I have no joy in my life, and I know how lonely it feels when everybody else goes back to their life and you are left reeling in pain.

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Julie, I am truly sorry for your loss and happening at a time that would have brought you great joy of getting engaged. How devastating that has to be for you! For you not only are you grieving for your love of your life but also the loss of your future.

My own husband passed of a fatal heart attack. I was in denial and shock for a long time, still am to some degree when the intensity of reality hits.

Such a beautiful, loving picture of the two of you. I understand your pain, loneliness, not barely being able to function. Life is so unfair and loss is so incomprehensible.

All we can do is take it a day at a time, baby steps. This is a wonderful forum filled with many compassionate people who will be there to listen. Writing on here can be therapeutic , so keep posting. Prayers of peace to you.

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Julie-

I am sorry for your loss.  My husband also passed of an unexpected heart attack at only 41.

People think they are trying to help, but if they haven't felt this loss, they don't get it. They think our loves can be replaced.....and they can't.  And it isn't helpful to hear those comments.

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Julie,

I am so sorry...sorry another person is suffering the same thing the rest of us have been through.  My husband and I met in our mid forties, knew each other 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months, when he died from a heart attack.  He looked the picture of health, strong, no fat on him, never saw this coming.  He'd just turned 51 that week.  We were supposed to grow old together.

It's inappropriate for people to talk about you finding someone else, you were happy and in love and he was suddenly ripped from you, you didn't ask for it, no way are you ready to think about something like that.  Try not to worry about the future, just get through today, that's the best advice I can offer.  I hope you're seeing a professional grief counselor, someone trained in grief as not all counselors or therapists are qualified to deal with grief.

It helps to let it out, to talk about it, write about it, not bottle it up, esp. with people who understand, people who have been through it.  Other friends and family can't get it if they haven't been there.  My sisters are my best friends but they haven't been through grief, they still have their husbands and they can't get what it's like to go on alone year after year, they still wake up on Christmas with their husband, they have their husband to take care of them after surgery, they have their husband's salary to fall back on when they lose their job, they have their husband to talk over things with.  The reality of our lives is just so different.  Still, I've learned to continue, it's been 11 1/2 years for me now.  I've learned the grief is forever but it evolves, it does not stay the same intensity as in the beginning, thank God!  I don't think any of us could handle it if it did.  I've learned to carry my husband inside of me, and whereas thoughts of him once brought pain, now it brings comfort as he was the best part of my life.  I miss him each and every day.

This will evolve for you too and will eventually seem more doable, right now it's just still such a shock, your world probably feels like it's reeling.  I hope you will continue to come here and read and post, my forum was a lifesaver to me.

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On January 16, 2017 at 5:18 PM, KMB said:

Julie, I am truly sorry for your loss and happening at a time that would have brought you great joy of getting engaged. How devastating that has to be for you! For you not only are you grieving for your love of your life but also the loss of your future.

My own husband passed of a fatal heart attack. I was in denial and shock for a long time, still am to some degree when the intensity of reality hits.

Such a beautiful, loving picture of the two of you. I understand your pain, loneliness, not barely being able to function. Life is so unfair and loss is so incomprehensible.

All we can do is take it a day at a time, baby steps. This is a wonderful forum filled with many compassionate people who will be there to listen. Writing on here can be therapeutic , so keep posting. Prayers of peace to you.

 Thank you I have been reading it and it's so similar about the pain, the feeling so lost, and Total desperation about my future without my best friend. I think how my going to meet somebody like him again he was one in 1 million.  And I know I'm not the only person this is happened to now but it just feels this way and I'm feeling so sorry for myself and guilty for my family that's sad for me I don't know how I'm supposed to get past it.  He and I were that couple that everybody would stare at and think wow now that's a magical couple.. I live in the suburbs and I am a real estate agent and everybody knows me and everybody that I work with just stares at me I wish I could move.   I don't feel comfortable being away from our house and when I'm at our house I only lay in our bed. Anyway thank you for sharing and listening 

I miss his beautiful face

Jules 

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Jules,

The love just shines out of that photo. That love still shines, it always will. Nothing will take it away.

No, we are not the only one this happens to. People leave this earth everyday. But because it is happening to us, we do feel like we are the only one. The pain is unbearable, so internalized, that we feel we are the only one going through this horrendous ordeal. Obviously, we are not the only one, otherwise this forum would not be here. I really am unable to fathom how people can keep going on when suffering a loss such as ours. We lost that special person, our soul mate. Why were we given that special person, just to have them leave us, when they did not want to. I struggle everyday. I have no choice. If it wasn't for our pets and this forum, I have no idea where I would be. Maybe in a hospital sedated for deep grieving insanity, who knows?

I understand about people thinking of the two of you as the magical couple. It was a special, once in a lifetime bond, so palpable that others could see. People would say something similar about my husband and I. They could practically see the electricity between us. It was that way until he crossed over. The love bond is still there, never going to let go of it. It is all we have left to sustain us. Take care of yourself, we are here for you.

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People used to stare at us because our love was so great everyone could see it, we looked at each other like no one else existed!  

Your picture portrays a beautiful couple...never in a million years could you have foreseen this.  None of us could.  We feel all alone in the world because we alone are grieving our partner like no other.  We were wrapped in a cocoon of love...and now left facing everything alone.  We are not unique to this in that there are many others also facing everything alone now but it's hard to realize when in our world everyone else seems to be going on as normal.  Nothing seems normal to us anymore.

In time we adjust to even this, in time we no longer look for them when the door opens, in time we no longer expect to hear their voice on the other end of the phone.  In time we learn to take care of the things they used to.  In time we get used to living alone, making decisions on our own, being responsible for ourselves.  In time we find some purpose, we even find a little joy in life.  But the sadness never quite leaves us, because we continue to miss them...

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I want to find a way to get past this because I don't want to get used to living by myself, being by myself, cooking for myself I want to find another partner I know he would want that. I'm just so lonesome right now especially this morning it's killing me.

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Numb and Lost

Julie those are beautiful photos. I can't imagine how you must feel finding out he was going to propose. I had not seen him in a very long time and we had been trying to make plans to see each other for three weeks that kept falling through. We would have seen each other a few days after he died. I was planning to say things I hadn't said and ask things I hadn't asked but wanted to for 5 years. That is one thing I don't have due to my messed up situation is photos with him. I wish I did. 

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Julie,  You are grieving because you loved. You gave your heart and all of your being into that special relationship, your special person. I don't know if anyone gets *past* the grieving. You just slowly evolve with living life and coexist with it. You are lonely, grieving is love with no where to go with it.

 Of course you don't want to live by yourself, cook for yourself, etc. Those feelings are normal. You were used to spending time day and night with your loved one. It is a change we have to learn to adjust to. We don't want to make that change, but we have no choice. You are younger than me and of course you will eventually have someone in your life again, if you choose to. Life is all about our relationships with other people and sharing love. God made our hearts so huge to love as many people in our lifetime as we can. At the end of our days here, what will matter the most is the legacy of love that we will be remembered by.

 

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Julie

I feel your pain and I'm so terribly sorry for your lost.  Your pictures are beautiful and you both looked so happy and so much in love.  That is so refreshing to see in a couple.  My husband and I were together for almost 45 years and we too were so much in love with one another and was never afraid to tell one another so.  I'm so glad we did.  God saw fit to take him from this earth on December 6, 2016.   Each day following I didn't know how I would get through the day without him; when I awoke in the morning to start my day,  I wondered how would I go on without him.  As the day slowly slipped by, I remember how he made me laughed and I smiled without him.  At the end of the day, I knew in my heart I could not have gotten through the day without knowing he was with me in spirit and always will be.   You are young and finding another partner to share your life is fine.  

I think we understand death for the first time when God puts his hand upon one who we love and calls them home. There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to trust God that they are OK.  Thank God for the time you shared together; no one or nothing can take that away.

My prayer is for you to find God's love, strength and inner peace.   Open your heart and let God in, He'll do the rest.  God Bless!

 

6 hours ago, KayC said:

In time we learn to take care of the things they used to.  In time we get used to living alone, making decisions on our own, being responsible for ourselves.  In time we find some purpose, we even find a little joy in life.  But the sadness never quite leaves us, because we continue to miss them...

KayC

I'm not quite I'm there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.  Instead of counting the days, I'm learning to make the days count because my hope for tomorrow is that I've learned something from yesterday. Although my sun (my husband)  is gone I still have a light - God Almighty.  He is there to light my way until I'm reunited with the love of my life for eternity.   God knows I love and miss him with all my being;  my body body aches so much missing him. Why they call it heartache when my entire body aches, I'll never know.  What I do know is my rejoicing will come. Psalms 30:5 says "Weeping may endure for a night, but Joy comes in the morning". 

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Numb and Lost

The bible says the generation that sees the blooming of the fig tree (Israel) happened in 1948 will see the coming of Christ so I'm hoping that will be soon. I have some peace that I'm not sinning anymore because as long as he was here I didn't know how to stop. But I thought somehow one day it would be right somehow. I have been listening to "the message" in xm and the music speaks to me so much but it makes me cry at the same time

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17 hours ago, Francine said:

Psalms 30:5 says "Weeping may endure for a night, but Joy comes in the morning". 

Funny, I just put that on Facebook this week (I post a verse a day).

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Last night I got pulled over my the police because my lights were not on. When the officer asked for my registration and I couldn't find it. I actually picked up my phone to call my husband to find out where it was. Then reality hit me that he can't answer the phone because he is in heaven. I can't stop feeling I want to call him when something good or bad happens. He was the first person I called when something good or bad happened.  I still can't sleep straight through the night. I take cat naps throughout the night and I am usually exhausted when I wake up so it makes it so difficult to get out of bed. I push myself everyday.  I don't know how I'm going to go on with my life without him. It is so hard. I am feeling very depressed. 

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DonnaR3, So sorry. All of us here understand. This is the hardest ordeal, facing and adjusting to being without our husbands. They were always there for us. I wish I could say something to help you feel better, but I can't even help myself. I just keep wondering why I am still breathing. I am so emotionally and mentally tired.

Hang in there, Donna, we are all in the same boat trying to survive.

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Donna,

That happens for a while until its ingrained in us...they're not here anymore.  I'm sorry, each of these times it hits us its like it's happening all over again, isn't it.

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Numb and Lost

One thing that hurts me the most is when I think about the moment I found out, when I read it on Facebook and collapsed. I just prayed so hard in that moment that it was just a mistake but I knew he was gone. Even though I know I can't change anything it's like my brain keeps thinking about all of the things right before then up until that moment in an attempt to change it or process it. My life is now separated into before that, and after that. I am just now getting to a point that I have small periods of "okayness" but I think during those times it's because I'm not comprehending the finality of it. Last night for a few hours I felt really weird. I felt like his death wasn't real, and like nothing is real. It was a very very strange feeling I don't even know how to describe. I don't know if I should look at his pictures or not. What do y'all think? Because of my situation obviously I don't have any out in frames or anything. I have some stored online. Of course when I look at them I am overwhelmed with sadness and grief. Sometimes I wonder if I need to just try and push it all away and not look at them. I don't want to start to feel distant from my memories of him, but at the same time if I can't ever see him again sometimes I don't want to see his picture because it just hurts too much. 

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We all go through this. I have pics of my husband out, but sometimes they make me cry. It is something that happens because of the emotions. Do what feels right in that moment. You will never feel distant with the memories. They will always be in your mind and heart.

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You have to do what feels comfortable to you at the moment.  I had pictures of my husband up on the wall.  It hurt so I took them down.  Then I put them up, down, finally they were up to stay.  What we feel like can change...back and forth.  

If you can't have them up, maybe a locket, or like you say, on line.  Somewhere you can access when you want.

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Numb and Lost

Feelings definitely change I have learned that for sure. I have moments that I have brief glimpses of hope that I might be ok, but on the same day I might break down to the point I don't know how to go on. In that five years we had periods that we weren't seeing each other. But I always knew we would again. In those times I was sad but always thinking about him and I'm sure he thought of me. So I was ok because I knew I would see and talk to him again. That is what makes it so hard now. While I carry on I have that feeling like it's just one of those times that we weren't seeing each other but we will again. I even think of myself talking to him about stuff. My mind gets all confused. I know it's real but I have moments where I feel like I will see him again. I decided to tell myself I feel like that because I WILL see him again it may just be a long long time and I can't know when but I know I will. 

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This week has been so emotional.  I wasn't feeling good and there was nobody to take care of me. I had to do everything myself even though I didn't feel like doing it.  When Ken was alive and I felt like I felt this week he would do everything for me  dinner was ready everything was done all I had to do was relax and get better.  

  I come home from work to an empty house, I bearly want to eat dinner but I force myself. I sit on my sofa and try to relax and watch tv and then I start to cry because I think of Ken and how we watch tv together after dinner, Thursday night was one of our favorite nights for tv tgit.  I was looking forward to coming home today to watch our favorite shows but I'm not sure if I can do it.   Sounds weird but this is how I feel today,  

My heart is breaking and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to go on.  I have plans to go to the cemetery on Sunday this will be only my second time since Ken passed away.  I go there and talk to him and tell him how much I miss him and sorry for all the stupid arguments I caused over stupid stuff.  I don't think this will every get easier.  

This site has helped me realize that what I'm going through is normal and I'm not going crazy.  It has helped me share my grief with people who knows how I feel.  I'm so glad I found this  

 

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