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Life is so hard without the love of my life


DonnaR3

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I lost the love of my life 2 months ago.  I don't know how to get through this. He was only 52 years old we had our whole life together. I barely can function everyday. We had no kids together so I'm left alone. I have support from my family but everybody's life went back to being normal but mine.  I have no interests in anything. When I do get the ambition to go out and do something I get more depressed because I see other couples holding hands being happy. We were suppose to grow old together and now we are not. I cry all the time. 

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Donna---I'm sorry for your loss, sounds trite I know, you've most likely have heard those words too many times by now. What words does one use? We are all sorry we are on this forum but yet here we are. A safe place to find comfort, share stories, give comfort. We don't find this very easily in our existing lives. I, personally, don't know anyone who has lost a significant other. I don't have too much of a support system either. I am alone like you are. It's been tough, beyond tough, trying to struggle to adjusting to living alone and being lonely for my husband. I barely function, don't eat much, spend too much time on the computer to keep myself distracted, to keep myself from having to face and cope with this new reality. I've realized I was coping a little easier after my husband passed. I had decisions to make, arrangements, etc. It was also late summer, still had outside chores to maintain and winter maintainance to deal with. Now, it is winter and it has not been a nice one. I get outside a couple times a day to refill the bird feeders, walk out to the mailbox. I've done my share of shoveling and thankfully, my stepson has seen to the plowing. Due to an ice storm on Christmas day, can't even go for a walk. I go to town once or twice a week. I joined a grief support group that meets once a month. I've been to 3 meetings. Which brought me out of my comfort zone and I still feel iffy about that. My husband and I were always together at end of the day, never went anywhere after dark, except in the early half of our years. Who wants to come home to an empty house after dark? Another adjustment. I have our dog and cat, what is left of our little family of what used to be four. Without those pets, I have no idea where I would be, maybe insane with grief laying in some hospital.

Keep posting, Donna, there are many good, compassionate people here. We will listen and understand. Prayers and hugs.

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Donna,

Parts of what you wrote sound like my story.  I lost my husband October 20, 2016. He was only 57.   Like yours, he was the love of my life.  We married later in life and he always told me that we would have 30 to 40 years together.  We made it to 15.  

I understand struggling with being among other people.  Part of me thinks that they can tell just by looking at me.  Another part is scared I will run into someone I know and I will cry.  I don't have a problem with crying, but sometimes I think it makes the other person uncomfortable.  

I wish I had words of wisdom for you.  I can listen and let you know what you are feeling is not unusual.  I keep looking for validation in what I do and how I feel.  Mostly I try to do what feels right at the time.  If later it doesn't feel so right I will make another change.

I hope to see you post again.  

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SF Gal.... Your story does actually sound like mine. We got married late in life also. We were married for 11 years but knew each other for 15 years.  This was not suppose to happen this way.  I get up everyday and try to put this fake face on but inside I am torn up. My heart aches so much everyday. I don't every think this pain will go away. Everybody tells me to take one day at a time and I'm trying but it's a long future without my best friend, my husband, the love of my life..  

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KMB....  sorry for your loss too. I hope we both have a better 2017. 2016 has been the worse year of my life. 

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Donna,

I did try one day at a time, but sometimes I can only get through one hour at a time.  I try to stay busy, but then something comes over me and I am again awash in the pain of losing Donny.

I know about that fake face.  Others want me to be OK and I want that, too.  There are moments when I feel somewhat like my old self, but for now they are only moments.  I keep trying, but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I try very hard to not think about my future alone.  I write to Donny almost daily.  I think one of the things I miss most is being able to share with him.  He was my rock and my safe harbor.  I told him things without fear of being judged so writing to him gives me that outlet.  I talk to him all the time, too.  I thank him for things that I find he did that help me now.  I ask him how to do something that he did when he was here that I now struggle with.  

So, one day at a time or one moment at a time, I hope you find what feels right for you.  I am walking there with you.

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Donna, I'm sorry for your loss.  You've found a good place in this site, there are a lot of us going through this together, at least it's a place where others understand.

SF Gal, I'm sorry you also lost your husband, it feels like a club no one wanted to join, but here we are.  Two months is still so fresh...

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KayC....sorry for your loss.  Some of the post I read on this site is actually the way I feel so I know it's not just me.  My family is being supportive the best they can but know matter what they try to say or do it's me going through this not them.  They tell me they miss him too.  I understand they do but it's not the same. It's a different feeling. I lost both my parents but this is completely different. I had my husband to help me get through that loss.  With the loss of my husband Ken I feel I have nobody to turn too. When I cried myself to sleep when my parents passed away he was there comforting me now when I cry myself to sleep he isn't here to comfort me. I have his pillow and a sweatshirt I sleep with every night that gives me just a little comfort.  I hope this pain lessens in time 

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SF Gal...everybody I seem to talk to tells me to start a journal and write things down I'm thinking about starting it maybe it will help.  I still at times stop myself from picking up the phone to tell him something. When something happens the first person I told was him I confided in him just like you said. 

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Donna and SF Gal----We are all walking in each other's shoes. Journaling is a good outlet---expressing what is in your heart and putting it down on paper helps to validate those feelings. I like to think that my husband is reading what I write, keeping the love bond strong and alive. I don't think beyond the current moment, nor tomorrow. I don't think about the future. We are overwhelmed with just trying to survive in breathing. All the emotions are in overload, that load cracks and implodes quite frequently. I would not wish this hell on anyone. And yet, at some point, everyone has to deal with loss at some point in their lives. Some of us have to deal with loss sooner than what we could have ever imagined.

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I write my husband a note or letter almost every night.  I started with some stories and some of the letters are just expressing the anguish of life without him.  The despair at being stuck here for however many years without his physical presence at my side.  Sometimes I only write a sentence or two.

When something happens at work or home or where ever and I feel the need to text, email or call him to tell him about it, I use the notes on my phone to jot it down and often later I write it into the letter.  

I hate that he won't watch the girls grow up or meet his grandchildren and I am hoping later on, I can look at my journal of letters to him and it will trigger stories and his spirit so I can introduce him that way.

Thoughts are with you all as we struggle on.

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Thank you all for being here.  None of us wanted to join this "club", but I know that you understand in a way that others cannot.  

Quote

I hate that he won't watch the girls grow up or meet his grandchildren and I am hoping later on, I can look at my journal of letters to him and it will trigger stories and his spirit so I can introduce him that way.

Thank you Emeliza for sharing this.  I, too, am sad that Donny won't see his grandchildren or be able to share in our girls lives.  I began writing to him as an outlet for my thoughts and emotions, but now I will think about what you said and how my remembrances of him will help others to know him.

I was reminded today of some of the sweet times I would run into Don when we just happened to be in the same place unexpectedly.  I saw a man from the back at the grocery store this afternoon and for a moment I thought it was Don.  It was a bittersweet moment as I thought of the time he stopped by the grocery store on his way home and I did, too.  We laughed and shared a kiss.  These are the times I will cherish more than anything.

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Cherish the memories, photos, videos, texts, special personal belongings, anything we can keep our hands on---- it is all that we have to help us survive.

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I used to write letters to him, but I've found he's constantly in my mind, I think thoughts to him, I wish I could know he hears them...

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I'm facing another holiday without him. I'm not normally a fan of New Years and this one is even worse. I never thought in a million years that last New Years was going to be the last we would have together. We really didn't do anything last year but stay in but he was here with me. This year I am by myself. No one to bring in the New Year with.  I guess I will have to take every second at a time.  I miss him so much.  

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Numb and Lost

I'm grieving someone that died last week. I keep thinking I don't want 2017 to get here because that will be a year he will never be alive in. As long as we are in 2016 I know he was here this year. That seems so silly but it is how I feel. 

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Donna---My husband and I never did anything for New Years either. We preferred our quiet evenings together. The years went by so fast---now, every minute crawls by. Like you, I never thought I'd be going into the next year alone. Wish we could actually go back in time somehow and relive those years, and continue on without the ending that did happen much too soon.

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I have always disliked New Years, but I have to admit, I am on the bandwagon of let's get this year over.  The second half without my heart has been heck. 

My BIL and SIL are visiting for a few days and leave tomorrow and that will be hard.  It is nice to have someone who can share stories and love for my husband. 

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Numbandlost,

When my husband died, I hated the new year beginning without him too.  It felt like the world was going on when how could it?

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I got through New Year's Eve.  I don't know how I did but I guess I got the strength from somewhere. I woke up today and already started to think why did this have to happen. He don't deserve this he was the most caring and thoughtful person I will every know.  I stare into space and think was there anything I could have done differently.  I promised him that we have no regrets with anything. We had a great life together.  I have to find a way to go on but I just can't right now. I guess it's still so new 2 months. People I have talked said it took a long time for the pain and emptiness to ease but it never goes away. 

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Donna---I made it through new years eve also. But then again, my husband and I didn't stay up and celebrate either. We managed a trucking business so it was early to bed and early to rise. I don't get up early anymore. Don't see the point of it. I walk into the kitchen when I do decide to get up, my husband isn't sitting at the kitchen table. He's not in the living room watching the news, he's not anywhere. Every day is tough and I don't know how it is that I'm still breathing for the past 4 1/2 months.The pain and the void are always going to be there. We adjust to carrying it with us somehow. I go to another grief support meeting this week. I don't know if it is beneficial, but I go to get away from the house and be with others who understand. I hate leaving and coming home after dark. I want to tell my husband about where I've been and realize that it's because he's not here that I'm going to these meetings. I was always so caught up in our daily life that I never gave a thought of the *what if* tragic things that could happen. Because my husband did have health conditions, I put my faith into all of his doctors and the meds to keep him alive.Reality of the health conditions and facts I kept blocked out. I loved my husband unconditionally and always will. I thought that love would see us through many more years together. This journey of grief is my price to pay.

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Numb and Lost

KayC I felt like I was having an anxiety attack the closer 2017 got last night. I feel like he was just left behind. I thought about all the time what years from now could bring, wondered if we might ever really be together. I knew we wouldn't stay away from each other ever I felt. What's funny is I did think about him dying. It was a fear of mine. I remember thinking of all the heartache this 5 year affair caused at times that would be the one thing I couldn't live through. When I dreamed he died once waking up was such a relief. Since I couldn't attend the funeral sometimes I feel like he's still here somewhere and I'm just waiting for him to call me. But I also feel an emptiness because I know he isn't. I never directly asked how he felt about me and that is what hurts the most. I feel like I'm my heart I know, but we tried not to talk about it as I guess it made us both feel more guilty. I keep praying that maybe there is just one person that knew about me that was close to him I could talk to. So I don't have to hurt alone. But there is no way I can find that out it's not like I can just start asking people he knew. I don't know what to do because my family is starting to notice something is terribly wrong with me. I used to workout everyday and now I don't at all because I don't care. I don't care about my health or what I look like. I'm sure that will be noticed if I don't. 

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My heart goes out to you, Numb and Lost---you must feel so alone in your pain. Must be so hard you can't share this grief with your family. Seeking out professional help might be helpful to you. It will be confidential and you won't feel totally alone. And you have us on this forum also.

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Numb and Lost

It is so hard to hide the tears. I'm crying right now trying to hide. I just don't feel it will ever get better. I feel like I don't want to be here anymore but I know I do because I want to be there for my kids. I do love my husband it's just what's I felt for him is different it's not describable in words. He is a husband and a father for a while and then he relapses again with the drugs. If he doesn't stay straight I don't know how I will make it in life with the pain I'm already in. I'm going to go talk to someone because I'm worried about myself. I've made my body sick. I've lost 7-8 pounds and I still can't eat. When I do I get pains in my stomach. I can't imagine feeling this way for another 50 years or however long I have.

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Numb and Lost

I loved him so much. He was everything I could have ever wanted but was never mine to truly have. I always thought somehow one day maybe he would be. I thought to myself well who knows what will happen in the future in the next 10,20,30,40 years. I've thought a lot about his wife and how she must be hurting and that even hurts me too. My heart even breaks for her. I wonder if she is as bad off as I am. 

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I'm sure his wife is grieving and the rest of his family. We are all loved and cared for by others. If you feel you cannot confess to your husband, find a grief counselor to confide in. I'm concerned for you that you feel the need to keep this grieving to yourself. It could have detrimental effects on your body and state of mind.

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Numb and Lost

Well it isn't really that I want to keep it to myself I just have to due to the circumstances. I have told a few of my closest friends and my mother. I only have one friend that is very helpful though. The others have made it worse. I think I will try to talk to some kind of counselor. I also feel I've told too many people. I can't let my husband find out he would absolutely lose it. I would be scared if he found out. I would like more than anything to talk to someone he knew just to feel connected to him. I've been praying so hard that maybe he told someone and that person would reach out to me. 

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Numb and lost..... I'm sorry about your loss.  I hope things get better. You are in a tough position. Follow your heart and find a trustworthy person or group yo talk to.  Talking it out helps a little.  

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My day was so so.  I went out shopping with my sister today and had dinner.  I didn't want too but she forced me.  i felt guilty because I was doing something that he loved to do shop and go to dinner but then I thought about it and he wouldn't want me to feel that way.  I have to try and go on even when it's hard. I guess I will have very bad days and so so days. 

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Numb and lost,

You are going through the same thing a guy on my other forum is going through, his name is Finch.  He had been corresponding with a gal on line for years, she was married with kids, but they loved each other.  He has been struggling since she died, he told his family but he doesn't have contact with her family, etc. as he doesn't want to cause problems for them, and it leaves him feeling invalidated in his grief.  We've tried to tell him that what they had together was real to the two of them and that's what counts in his grief.

I hope you're seeing a grief counselor, I think they could find a way to help you sort through this maze of grief.

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Numb and Lost

KayC  I'm going to call a few places tomorrow. It makes me just feel like nobody, like I was nobody in the scheme of things. I know that isn't true but with him not here I kind of am. I'm still praying maybe one of his close friends that knew will reach out. That would help me so so much. It would almost be like talking to him one more time I guess if I heard something he said.

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So glad I found this forum. Felt like I was the only person who was going through these feelings each moment of the day. I lost the love of my life on October 19th 2016. He was just 47. A sudden heart attack. I feel like I won't ever make it through this. I have a great deal of support from family and friends but I feel like I cannot function. Reading all these posts have helped me a bit. I have no idea how I made it through the holidays. I am so sad all the time and I cry all the time. We had been together for six years and married for six months. He was the most amazing man I had ever met. All I think about is that I can't wait to be with him again. I feel like we have been cheated from having our lifetime together. We had so many plans and we were suppose to grow old together. Why did this happen? Besides dealing with grief i have additional stress from the legal aspects of his estate. It feels like I am stressed in some way or the other every day. I know it's gonna be a long hard road ahead and I don't know how I could ever make it through. I miss him so much. 

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Sorry Nads.  It is awful.  Every day I think of how we were supposed to grow old together and got cheated.  We had so many dreams and plans.  So my heart is with you on the ache and how awful it all is.

And the legal aspects do suck.  I couldn't remember all our passcodes and passwords and all of our family pictures were locked and I thought we would lose them and they were going to require a court order to release them to me, even though my information and credit card were on the account.  It all worked out, but that was so awful for the first few months.

Not trying to turn this into my issues, just saying, all of that sucks what little energy you have in you.  

Thoughts are with you.

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Thanks Emeliza for your kind words and support. You are right. The legal aspects do suck whatever life you have left out of you. 

Throughout all this I haven't been sleeping and eating well at all. My doctor gave me both sleeping pills and antidepressants and for a while they helped but I have gotten off both because the side effects were horrible. Now I'm back to not sleeping but I'm eating better. Sometimes I still can't believe that I am going through this. Mornings are particularly difficult i find. Today more so. 

I have bad days and worse days. I don't know how to get myself going again. It's difficult to even get out of bed and function normally. I miss him so much. 

Everyone tells me to just give it time and take it one day at a time  I know they may be right but as the days go by it gets harder I was stronger at the beginning of all this but I feel I'm slowly wearing away  

 

 

 

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It seems to wax and wane for me. I am strong when I have to be. Strong when I am planning things and sorting things out that "need" to be dealt with.  Anything that isn't a need or isn't high priority leaves me weak and a mess.  

I did so well thru the holidays.  I cried and was sad, but I did well.  Since 1/1/2017, I am back to crying in my cubicle everyday and hating life.  I think that is just how it will go.  Ok for a bit, followed by not ok at all.

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14 hours ago, Nads said:

So glad I found this forum. Felt like I was the only person who was going through these feelings each moment of the day. I lost the love of my life on October 19th 2016. He was just 47. A sudden heart attack. I feel like I won't ever make it through this. I have a great deal of support from family and friends but I feel like I cannot function. Reading all these posts have helped me a bit. I have no idea how I made it through the holidays. I am so sad all the time and I cry all the time. We had been together for six years and married for six months. He was the most amazing man I had ever met. All I think about is that I can't wait to be with him again. I feel like we have been cheated from having our lifetime together. We had so many plans and we were suppose to grow old together. Why did this happen? Besides dealing with grief i have additional stress from the legal aspects of his estate. It feels like I am stressed in some way or the other every day. I know it's gonna be a long hard road ahead and I don't know how I could ever make it through. I miss him so much. 

This could have been written by me.  Only he was 51 and I 52, and we'd been married 3 years 8 months, known each other 6 1/2 years.  Sudden heart attack, a total shock.  October 19th was our wedding day, June 19, Father's Day, was his death day.

It seems unfortunate that just when we least able to, we have to deal with these legal things when we can't even think!  I hated that I was devastated financially and had to deal with that on top of everything else...it's amazing what a ambulance and three days in the hospital with every test known to man and heroic efforts can cost.  I had to refinance my home.  Then I lost my job.  Yet I'm still here, 11 years later, haven't missed a meal and have a roof over my head.  Okay, sometimes it leaked, but still. :)

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Eleven years! I wonder if I could ever make it through one year more so eleven. Cheers to you. 

My husband, as I'm sure yours, was my world. We shared a love that some people never experience their their lifetime. From the moment he died my world crumbled but I remained strong to make all funeral arrangements etc. 

Trying to cope now almost three months after is even harder somehow. I wonder if I could ever make it through. I find myself questioning my purpose in life now. We had no kids so I'm alone now. Now it's just like I'm going through the motions of everything and I'm lost. 

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Nads---Coping seems to get worse as the days go on --- at least for myself, in the beginning, we have the necessities to keep us busy and focused. We want to do what our loved ones wanted, would have wanted ,for their arrangements. Other changes that have to be made. As those immediate things start fading off, our focus naturally goes back to the grieving, full time. I don't think about the future. Just getting through each day is enough. I'm slowly getting out of the brain fog phase now, but I still have the numbness and function almost robotically. Just existing. I'm alone also like you and KayC. I don't know where I'm going to be emotionally or mentally a year from now. Maybe just existing somehow for all I know. This journey is a process that I don't even want to be a part of, but here I am.Take care of yourself.

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KMB.....your words are truly comforting to me. Thanks.  

I too have no idea where I would be a year from now but somehow I feel I may just be existing. I taking this one moment at a time. That's all I can do for now. 

Take care

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I don't know if I am being a comfort or not, but your welcome. I was on another grief advice page yesterday, it can take from 5 to 8 years on average to process and develop some kind of new life. I decided to not check out anything else after reading that. Too overwhelming to comprehend that much ahead. I am better off dealing one day at a time.

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Donna

I recently lost the love of my life (12/6/16) as well and I truly know what you are going through.   We had been happily married for nearly 45 years and he too was my very best friend, my heart, my love, my everything.  I too don't know how I will go on without him.   What comforts me, however, is knowing we loved each other and always told each other that while he was on this earth.  Until I am reunited with him in eternity, I thank God for giving me 45 years with a man designed specifically for me and one that I loved and loved me.    

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Nads.....so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. We lost the love of our lives.  How are we going to function?  I try to take one moment at a time. Like you I have bad days and worse days. I have a friend that lost her boyfriend right before I lost my husband so talking to her helps because we have the same feelings. I just do the motions of life. Everything I see or do makes me miss him even more. If I didn't have to work I probably would never get out of bed. It's going to take us a long time to cope with this. Take care of yourself. 

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DonnaR3....like you getting out of bed is a huge effort and like you I would only do so because I have to work. It is good to have someone to talk to who understands how you feel ...that's what this forum is doing for me..I have idea how we will ever get through this but today I had take it one moment at a time. I have no idea what tomorrow will be like but everyday seems to be getting harder. Keep strong..

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Francine....it's so hard getting through everyday. I feel like your pain. I have support from family and friends but it doesn't make it easy.  I feel guilty when I try to go on with life.  I told him everyday how much I love him. I'm so sorry about the stupid arguments we had.  The only thing I was able to tell him how sorry I was for all the stupid aguements and we forgave each other and told each other no regrets but I still feel guilty. 

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 Francine, Nads, Donna, I'm sorry we all have to be on this journey. Thank goodness we have this forum. Not where we want to be but it is a good place to share our pain and stories. It's been a comfort and a safe place to express ourselves. I'm like you, just going through the motions and that is even hard to do. I have my pets to take care of. If it wasn't for them, I probably wouldn't bother getting out of bed. I probably would have let myself wither away. All we can do is take it one minute, one hour at a time.

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18 hours ago, KMB said:

I was on another grief advice page yesterday, it can take from 5 to 8 years on average to process and develop some kind of new life.

Try not to let that scare you.  Keep taking one day at a time and it will turn into months and years, bit by bit, before you know it.  The one thing we can count on in life is time marches on and when it stops (for us) we get to be with them!  

Everyone is different...the most of the processing took about three years for me, after that it didn't change a whole lot, but I did continue evolving through my grief, learning, adjusting, it's so slow as to seem imperceptible when you're going through it.  I don't think we're ever totally through though, I'm still learning. 

To look into the future is daunting and overwhelming because it seems so uncertain to us.  That's why it's good to stay in today, also because when we stay in today we don't miss whatever good there might be in it.  Sometimes we have to look hard for good, that might be one of the hardest things we have to do but worth the effort.

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17 hours ago, Francine said:

Donna

I recently lost the love of my life (12/6/16) as well and I truly know what you are going through.   We had been happily married for nearly 45 years and he too was my very best friend, my heart, my love, my everything.  I too don't know how I will go on without him.   What comforts me, however, is knowing we loved each other and always told each other that while he was on this earth.  Until I am reunited with him in eternity, I thank God for giving me 45 years with a man designed specifically for me and one that I loved and loved me.    

I wish they had a "like" button here!

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Donna,

I think we've all had stupid fights.  Guilt is common in grief.  But if they were here and we were gone they'd be going through the same thing as we find ourselves going through now.  I console myself that at least he is spared this.  I'm so glad I know he's still alive...somewhere, out there...

KMB,

Me too, I'm glad I have my pets!  Don't know what I'd do without them.

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