Mother unexpectedly passed on Christmas morning

[lostandempty]

Outside of the loss of grandparents or distant extended family, this is my first major loss.

I'm 35 years old (single) and live at home with my parents. I haven't been in a personal relationship with someone since high school and even that wasn't really a relationship. I've never felt compelled to be in a relationship because my lift was already giving me everything I needed. To most people that would sound strange but my parents are my best friend. I work 50-60hr weeks M-F and my 68 year old father works 45hr weeks and was planning to retire within the next year or so to finally settle down with his wife (my mother) of 47 years. I have an older sister but she moved away about twenty years ago. While she was close to my parents, she was closer to my father then mother and generally speaking wasn't that close to either like I was. My parents are everything to me and I was definitely more like my mother then father. 

Regarding what happened, everything was on Christmas eve and prior was more or less normal. My mother had been feeling run down but wasn't anything overly concerning given her age (66) and the responsibilities and holiday affairs she was dealing with. We wrapped Christmas gifts that night and even finished early enough to watch a movie. At around 10:00pm we said goodnight and looked forward to Christmas morning. At about 4:00 my father woke me up in a panic as he found my mom unconscious in the bathroom, leaning against the toilet as if he was going to get sick. A small pool of bright red blood was on the floor below her mount. My father tried to wake it but she was cold and very still. I called 911 while laying her down and trying CPR. As the dispatcher counted the CPR reps, large amounts dark red blood came out of her mouth. I kept doing CPR until the paramedics and fire department arrived 5-10mins later. I sat on the floor with my arms covered in dark blood as they tried revive her but it was too late. They said she likely passed several hours earlier and aside from the blood didn't see anything that would give cause. My father, dog and I overwhelmed in disbelief just sat in the hallway crying while my sister hurried over. 

My mom successfully battled throat cancer about eight years ago and was given a clean bill of health, even at recent as January of this year. Even her doctor is in shock. We suspect something much have ruptured in her stomach like an ulcer, but she showed no pervious signs or pain. The worst part is that something I hear something that night while I was falling asleep. It sounded like someone either ran or stumbled to the bathroom. I think it was around 12-2am but I can't be sure. I didn't think anything of it because my parents will typically use the restroom at night. I checked the security camera that faces their bedroom windows and it appears the bathroom light came on around 11:24pm and went off and on/dimmed at 11:45pm, about the exact time I went to sleep. I just can't believe this happened and keep reliving the event that night and this morning, and how I did nothing and was unable to do anything. Everyone is in shock. Our neighbors, friends and family. Everyone loved my mom and she was truly the type of person you would remember and enjoy meeting. I couldn't be more devastated and I can't imagine what my father will do without her. His entire life, from the age of 18 has been about her. Outside of me and my sister, he doesn't really have any friends as he only cared about my mom. She completed him and did everything for him. The two of us are now left alone in the house, a house that is completely decorated and supported by her. We still have gifts under the tree, both to and from her, a partially  prepared Christmas dinner in the refrigerator and her belongings everywhere. She did everything for us. We worked and brought home the money while she managed everything. 

I know my comments are scattered and hard to follow. I have so many things to say and don't even know where to start. I can't eat, I don't want to do anything and I can't sleep for more then 4hrs a night without waking up at the time we found her and just crying in bed. I've never really been someone to seek help or counseling.

[KMB]

My condolences to you, your father, family. How devastating for all of you for this loss to have happened.You will be in good company on this forum, even though none of us want to be here. It is a safe outlet for your emotions and all that you feel. You mention you are not someone to seek out help, but yet, something led you to this forum. That is a big step in the right direction. At some point though, you might want to consider grief support meetings or family grief counseling for you and your father

Your mother was the glue that held your family together. Her loss is going to have a profound effect on the family, I'm truly sorry. Your mother and father completed each other, I get that. My husband and I had the same relationship until I lost him to a heart attack in August. I'm adrift here alone, trying to find a way through this so unfair life.

You and your family are in shock, will be dealing with decisions, arrangements, many things. Take care of yourself, eat small meals throughout the day, drink water, try to rest. Take care of your father, see that he does the same. Loss takes a toll on the body and the mind, it is exhausting to cope. Prayers and hugs to you and yours.

[Athina]

My deepest condolences for your loss.

I know what you are going through, I am in the same dark place. For me there are no words that bring comfort. Let's just hang in there. I imagine how you go over and over that night. Because it was totally out of the blue. Same here. How to live on? 

Writing to this forum is kind of a therapy to me. 

[Missing Jack]

Hello,

I am so deeply sorry you are going through this difficult time and loss of your dear mother. I did not find your comments at all scattered or hard to follow. So very painful for you, dad and family. Such a shock it would be at any time, but on Christmas morning, so much more so.

So glad you are reaching out for help. Yes, grief counseling, support groups in your area. So, so much to deal with, especially helping dad with his struggles, as well as helping yourself. It's a lot to deal with for anyone. Keep writing, expressing, and try to take all things in small doses. No one could of known, and i know that you will replay things, if only this, if only that .. and I will tell you, nothing you or father could have done differently. There was no way to know.

Kindest Regards, Deepest Sympathies

Michael

 

[lostandempty]

Thank you for the responses and I'm very thankful I found a community that understands what I'm going through and can hopefully help me though it. It's concerning that so many people are feeling similarly, even after the loss of their loved ones may have occurred several months/years ago. I know it's unrealistic but I was really hoping this would be something that got better in a month or two and continued to lessen over the first year, second year, etc... 

Yesterday was a long day with picking out a burial plot, not only for my mother but also for my grieving father so he can be with her in the future. We only expected to spend maybe two hours doing this but ended up spending about four. It took a toll on all of us but we got through it. Last night was pretty interesting. My father and I ate some spaghetti using sauce my mom made the week prior. It was a very a special moment for the two of us as it would be the last meal we ate that she had a hand in, but also because we might not be able to duplicate her signature dish. My father had maybe two glasses of red wine with it and seemed to be in good spirits at first but then started to open up and tell me stories about him and mother I've never heard before (how he was such a delinquent before meeting my mom, and how she made him a better and successful person) and even things I didn't necessary want to hear (how distant she's been acting both personally and passionately). She was definitely acting strange over the past few months (maybe since September) and was taking daily 45mins (deep) naps in the limited sun outside (she loved being in the sun) and/or taking similar naps inside during the day. Nothing major but definitely  something that seemed off. Possibly it was just winder blues, or her recent fear of cancer returning even though she was given a clean bill of health in January. My father and I talk non-stop from about 8pm to 12am. We've never done that before EVER. It's not to say we weren't close, we were especially having lived under the same roof for my entire life (35yrs). I think a lot of it was the wine taking, the beer or two he drank or possibly having a buzz from smoking marijuana. I know that sounds like a lot but for as long as I can remember he'll seek outside throughout the day to take a few puffs but it's never been something my family discussed. The glass of wine with dinner and a glass before bed is something he's been doing since his father passed about four years ago (he was a big wine lover). The three to four beers a day also something he started doing in 2010 after our visit to Germany. I don't drink and don't do drug, and I wouldn't classify him as a drunk or a pot head. It seems like he just does it to relax and ease his mind outside of work. Anyhow, the conversation got a little heated towards the end, both from being very tired and because he started to say things I didn't agree with, like trying to tie very unrelated events to my moms unknown cause of death. We ended on a good note but it was definitely the first conversation we've had like that outside of very emotional grief moments/crying. I'm guessing I should probably prepare myself for more of these and especially since he doesn't have anyone to really talk to?

 

For me, I'm still struggling and have moments were I can't control my emotions. Both my dad and I are planning to go back to work on Tuesday (likely part-time) as were both concerned about our emotions and also to ensure we're able to take care of the house, my moms affairs, etc... Maybe Tuesday is too early, but we both just struggle so much to sit around the house thinking of her all day. It's just so painful and mind numbing. 

 

I'm still not eating that well but have at least been developing a slight appetite by dinner. In terms of sleeping, that's the worst for me. My father struggles through the night but at least is more or less getting poor 7hrs of sleep. For me, I'm only getting maybe 3-4hrs at most. No matter how late I stay up, I'm still waking up at 3-4am, the exact time I was awaken when my mother passed. I use to getting 6-7hrs daily and 4-5hrs when I need to work an early shift for work, but 3-4hrs is definitely on the low side. I don't necessarily feel tired but rather am very emotional when I wake up. Feelings of regret, loneliness, pain, sadness, doubt, you name it. It's absolutely horrible. I just sit in my room looking at outside security camera footage of my mom running errands, walking the dog, etc... 

[KMB]

lostandempty-----Your post speaks of so much pain, I'm so sorry. Your expressions are completely normal for what you and your family are going through. So many things to have to deal with all at once. You are doing the best you can. I admire the extended care that you are giving your dad, staying up late and talking, making sure he eats. Just being there for him. By doing that, you are also helping yourself. We are all on this forum because we lost someone special and it is good that you are reaching out and sharing. You mention going back to work. Are their grief counselors where you and your dad work? Maybe you can give them a heads up and they can advise any coworkers to be extra caring. You and your dad are still going to be emotional and unfocused and being at work might be easier if coworkers can be more understanding and empathetic.

I don't have any words of support for your lack of sleeping. It goes with the grief. Just try to relax and get as much rest as possible. Even if you are unable to sleep, just resting the body is beneficial. Take care of yourself.

[lostandempty]

To help with sleep I've been taking 10mg of Melatonin and a Unisom gel tab before bed. I'm still waking up about an hour or two after falling asleep but I've been able to fall back asleep quickly. Regardless of what time I fall asleep, I still wake up at 4-5am (the time I found my mom) but I'm able to fall asleep thanks to the sleeping aids. I still wake up at 7am but I do feel a little more rested. I had my first dream of my mom last night. The dream was about her death but she was in it and it was about the death all being a mistake and her still being alive. Boy do I wish it wasn't a dream.

Because the death wasn't expected we were finally able to get the coroner involved to do an autopsy. The cause of death was inclusive as it just said sudden cardiac arrest and listed some of her prior medical conditions (hardened arteries, prior neck cancer that was surgically removed eight years ago and liver cirrhosis from drinking in the early 90's. Last January she was at the doctor to have her gull bladder removed and the doctor said everything looked fine. Health wise, she was a little worn down and tired for the past few weeks but nothing that abnormal or warranting immediate attention. In speaking with her primary care doctor, she said the death certificate causes are not specific enough to actually determine anything. The doctor said the coroners report will have more information but it still may be inconclusive. I guess what I'm looking for is to figure out what caused all the blood to come out of her mouth when I was giving CPR (likely 3-4 hrs after death) and if anything could have been done had we found her alive in the bathroom. I know it's regret speaking but I really need this for closure. The service will likely be in just under two weeks so I'm worried we may not be able to figure this all out in time.      

[Missing Jack]

Hi there,

Good you are taking care of yourself a bit, especially in regards to sleep. I do hope that you find the answer that you are looking for, but of course would say to proceed with caution in that regard, in the eventuality that you do not get that answer. 

In regards to closure, I know what is meant by the term, what it represents, but I am not sure if I have ever found it. I think over time , and throughout the years, mostly I have just learned to make peace with things. I don't know if that is the same thing as closure or not.

Well I tend to be a bit of an insomniac myself. I blame it on working nights over a number of years. Truth is I got spoiled, and have found the night time to be the most peaceful time. Gotta watch out though, because I'm not working nights anymore!

So good to hear back from you.

Kindest Regards,

Michael

 

[Guest]

I'm so sorry for your loss and can empathize with the fact that it occurred suddenly and on Christmas of all days. In my case my dad died suddenly and on my birthday which was Dec. 30th and I was the one to find his body on his bedroom floor.  Just know that it does and will get easier. I've already been through the loss of a parent when my mom died fairly quickly in July of 2005, so I've gone through all the levels of grief before.  I don't know what kind of person your mom was, but I do know that my parents were of the belief that life is for the living and that has helped me to find my way through my grief and learn to be happy again.