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Bev

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My husband Jack died three weeks ago. He went for an outpatient diagnostic procedure that had complications and he was admitted to the hospital. He had been in the hospital since late October except for the three days he was home with a chest tube and home health, but things got worse and he went back inpatient. 

We had been married twelve years. He was my hero and had too many wonderful qualities to list here. He had already survived gastro-esophageal cancer and I met him three years post diagnosis. We navigated the decreasing frequency of the tests, celebrating the good news of each one until he finally reached the huge milestone of being declared cured. I knew going into the relationship that grief would be in my future as the price of this love, but I accepted that as a fair price for such a special love and I have no regrets about that choice.

Two years after our marriage I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and I became disabled with memory and cognitive issues afterward. It was benign, so we didn't have that other challenge. Jack was patient, encouraging, understanding, supportive, and loving. He had been a professional disability rehabilitation counselor, so he had a lot of insight about my needs and challenges. He supported me as I regained many of my abilities. Even his last long hospitalization gave me the opportunity to get used to living in the house alone, but with his love and support from his hospital bed. 

Things looked hopeful at the beginning of his illness, but his lung would not re-inflate. What I didn't know was that he felt he was dying and he worked on goodbyes with his brother and sister and his grown children and my two adult sons. He did not do any of that work with me or with our best friend, so I think he was saving the hardest for last. Had I known he was doing this final work I would have made different choices and brought our living will and durable power of attorney for healthcare decisions we had our attorney draw up when I was diagnosed with the brain tumor.

As it happened, I was in his room and saw the monitor changes in the overbed monitor and summoned help immediately. I had been an emergency and flight nurse so I knew too well what I was seeing. His daughter was with us and I got her out of the room. He survived that to be transferred to ICU, though he never regained consciousness nor showed any signs of recovery. After two days I brought in the paperwork and got Hospice involved. His surgeon was very angry over my decision and yelled "This man walked into my office a week ago, I'm not ready to give up." All the other physicians were supportive of my decision. As a nurse, I think the surgeon just wanted to delay his death so that it would not occur in the thirty day reporting window that would damage his statistics. 

Jack left this world just hours after things were disconnected. My first request was that the in-room monitor be turned off and that was done right away. The staff were very supportive. I had gotten to know one of the social workers and one of the chaplains, and they were there for me afterward. 

As a nurse, I have seen people be very particular about their dying and not be willing to leave in the presence of certain loved ones. I took a long walk with our best friend at one point if that was what Jack needed, but as it happened he left his body when me, his daughter, and our best friend were with him. I had a brief glimpse of his joy when he left his body and then it was over.

His family has continued to be loving and supportive toward me, and I have a circle of people close to me who have gathered nearer. Now our two dogs (Ike the aged Puggle, and Molly the young mini Hippo) sleep with me in the bed and we are a small pack. 

He was my love, my closest friend, and my hero. I am devastated by this loss. My life will continue as a tribute to the many lasting gifts Jack taught me and how he helped me grow into a better person with his love.

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32 minutes ago, Bev said:

My husband Jack died three weeks ago. He went for an outpatient diagnostic procedure that had complications and he was admitted to the hospital. He had been in the hospital since late October except for the three days he was home with a chest tube and home health, but things got worse and he went back inpatient. 

We had been married twelve years. He was my hero and had too many wonderful qualities to list here. He had already survived gastro-esophageal cancer and I met him three years post diagnosis. We navigated the decreasing frequency of the tests, celebrating the good news of each one until he finally reached the huge milestone of being declared cured. I knew going into the relationship that grief would be in my future as the price of this love, but I accepted that as a fair price for such a special love and I have no regrets about that choice.

Two years after our marriage I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and I became disabled with memory and cognitive issues afterward. It was benign, so we didn't have that other challenge. Jack was patient, encouraging, understanding, supportive, and loving. He had been a professional disability rehabilitation counselor, so he had a lot of insight about my needs and challenges. He supported me as I regained many of my abilities. Even his last long hospitalization gave me the opportunity to get used to living in the house alone, but with his love and support from his hospital bed. 

Things looked hopeful at the beginning of his illness, but his lung would not re-inflate. What I didn't know was that he felt he was dying and he worked on goodbyes with his brother and sister and his grown children and my two adult sons. He did not do any of that work with me or with our best friend, so I think he was saving the hardest for last. Had I known he was doing this final work I would have made different choices and brought our living will and durable power of attorney for healthcare decisions we had our attorney draw up when I was diagnosed with the brain tumor.

As it happened, I was in his room and saw the monitor changes in the overbed monitor and summoned help immediately. I had been an emergency and flight nurse so I knew too well what I was seeing. His daughter was with us and I got her out of the room. He survived that to be transferred to ICU, though he never regained consciousness nor showed any signs of recovery. After two days I brought in the paperwork and got Hospice involved. His surgeon was very angry over my decision and yelled "This man walked into my office a week ago, I'm not ready to give up." All the other physicians were supportive of my decision. As a nurse, I think the surgeon just wanted to delay his death so that it would not occur in the thirty day reporting window that would damage his statistics. 

Jack left this world just hours after things were disconnected. My first request was that the in-room monitor be turned off and that was done right away. The staff were very supportive. I had gotten to know one of the social workers and one of the chaplains, and they were there for me afterward. 

As a nurse, I have seen people be very particular about their dying and not be willing to leave in the presence of certain loved ones. I took a long walk with our best friend at one point if that was what Jack needed, but as it happened he left his body when me, his daughter, and our best friend were with him. I had a brief glimpse of his joy when he left his body and then it was over.

His family has continued to be loving and supportive toward me, and I have a circle of people close to me who have gathered nearer. Now our two dogs (Ike the aged Puggle, and Molly the young mini Hippo) sleep with me in the bed and we are a small pack. 

He was my love, my closest friend, and my hero. I am devastated by this loss. My life will continue as a tribute to the many lasting gifts Jack taught me and how he helped me grow into a better person with his love.

Bev----My heartfelt condolences to you. I only meant to quote your last sentences, not your whole post, sorry. Your post is such a loving tribute to your husband and what the both of you went through together. Destiny, fate, life---whatever words people want to use, it's hard to comprehend the whys when we meet the love of our life and that person leaves this life. Two years into our relationship, my husband was placed on meds for high blood pressure and from there to diabetes. The first half of our life together was filled with love, laughter, working and trips of adventure. When I reflect on those early years, I wonder if my husband had a knowing of some kind and wanted to cram in whatever he could of life for the both of us. The last 10 years of our life were of hospitals, surgeries, etc. The health conditions escalated into CHF and kidney failure. His heart failed him in August. We were just days away from getting him going on dialysis. It's been a tough road here, trying to adjust to living alone and if it wasn't for our pets, don't know where I would be in this grief.

It was your last sentences that got to me, for it is how I am looking at things right now. My love, my hero, trying to continue with my husband's legacy.

Prayers and hugs to you, Bev.

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Bev,

Wow, what a testament, your love, the special man that was yours.  I am sorry for your loss, yet happy you had the time you did together.  I know our grief is measured by our love, not in tears so much as "missing them".  I've learned to coexist with my grief, I don't know another way to put it.  It is part of my life now.  I appreciate what is, rather than focusing what isn't...yet there are still times that it crashes in on me and hits me with full force.  And it's been eleven years.  I could write a book and fill the pages with all that I've learned, but I'm not sure people new to grief would be ready to hear it.  It has been a rich journey, a hard journey, a journey of great effort, sorrow, and even triumph.  I know my George is proud of me.  Our love continues still...that does not die with death of our physical bodies, but it lives on, a testament of all that we began and were with each other. 

I have been making cards for over 30 years, and I recall the day I bought a rubber stamp that said, "I love you not only for who you are, but for who I am when I am with you."  That was a reflection of how it was with us.  We connected, amazingly, our communication, our interaction, how we were together, it was a once in a lifetime thing, something not everyone experiences or is lucky enough to find.  We were and are soul mates.  I think that's the thing that most who find their way to grief forums have...they are hit harder than mere partners coexisting, they shared their hearts as well as their homes.

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19 hours ago, KMB said:

 

It was your last sentences that got to me, for it is how I am looking at things right now. My love, my hero, trying to continue with my husband's legacy.

Prayers and hugs to you, Bev.

Thank you for the kind and understanding words. I'm sorry that you experienced such lengthy medical challenges. That is both physically and emotionally exhausting for the patient and the family. 

I agree that pets are an outstanding source of unconditional love and they don't require words to understand our pain.

Both us are fortunate to have been given so much and a positive way to go forward, no matter how painful the process.

Prayers and hugs in return...

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18 hours ago, KayC said:

Wow, what a testament, your love, the special man that was yours.  I am sorry for your loss, yet happy you had the time you did together.  I know our grief is measured by our love, not in tears so much as "missing them".  I've learned to coexist with my grief, I don't know another way to put it.  It is part of my life now.  I appreciate what is, rather than focusing what isn't...yet there are still times that it crashes in on me and hits me with full force.  And it's been eleven years.  I could write a book and fill the pages with all that I've learned, but I'm not sure people new to grief would be ready to hear it.  It has been a rich journey, a hard journey, a journey of great effort, sorrow, and even triumph.  I know my George is proud of me.  Our love continues still...that does not die with death of our physical bodies, but it lives on, a testament of all that we began and were with each other. 

I have been making cards for over 30 years, and I recall the day I bought a rubber stamp that said, "I love you not only for who you are, but for who I am when I am with you."  That was a reflection of how it was with us.  We connected, amazingly, our communication, our interaction, how we were together, it was a once in a lifetime thing, something not everyone experiences or is lucky enough to find.  We were and are soul mates.  I think that's the thing that most who find their way to grief forums have...they are hit harder than mere partners coexisting, they shared their hearts as well as their homes.

Your message was so understanding and the way you described "coexisting with my grief" is very helpful to me. The grief feels like an unwelcome guest in my life right now, but it is the only true response to such a loss. The idea of coexistence gives me the concept of allowing it its own space, but not a takeover of my life. I don't like the idea of its shadow presence, but it simply is the result of a deep love sent on this journey of separation. 

I am experiencing how that love continues in the specific and unique reminders that appear unexpectedly that seem to be almost gestures of love. I treasure those moments and I know they will be frequent reminders of our love and that it continues on.

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I watched "Love Always, Santa" and in it there was an Irish saying that got my attention, it said:
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal.  Love leaves a memory no one can steal."  I think our grief does coexist with the rest of us.

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Such a touching and true quote, KayC. Our losses are personal. Our heartache and memories are our own and no one can steal them. A lot of times, images, memories will just pop into my mind involuntarily. I prefer to think that my husband is sending me these memories to keep our love alive and that we will indeed be together again someday. Just a temporary separation.

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Yes, the separation is way too long, especially for you, considering how many years that you have amazingly endured your loss. The years I spent with my husband have gone by too fast and now each day crawls by. This time, last year, my husband was still working a little. His legs were giving him some issues but he was in good spirits and full of life. It still surprises me how quickly his conditions declined over the following months. Had to quit working in early February due to his legs, sold his truck in July and it's like he gave up after that. My heart was breaking for him through out, but I didn't think his heart would literally give out. He is free of pain now, but I'm not.

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On 29/12/2016 at 3:16 PM, KMB said:

Bev----My heartfelt condolences to you. I only meant to quote your last sentences, not your whole post, sorry. Your post is such a loving tribute to your husband and what the both of you went through together. Destiny, fate, life---whatever words people want to use, it's hard to comprehend the whys when we meet the love of our life and that person leaves this life. Two years into our relationship, my husband was placed on meds for high blood pressure and from there to diabetes. The first half of our life together was filled with love, laughter, working and trips of adventure. When I reflect on those early years, I wonder if my husband had a knowing of some kind and wanted to cram in whatever he could of life for the both of us. The last 10 years of our life were of hospitals, surgeries, etc. The health conditions escalated into CHF and kidney failure. His heart failed him in August. We were just days away from getting him going on dialysis. It's been a tough road here, trying to adjust to living alone and if it wasn't for our pets, don't know where I would be in this grief.

It was your last sentences that got to me, for it is how I am looking at things right now. My love, my hero, trying to continue with my husband's legacy.

Prayers and hugs to you, Bev.

Hello KMB

So sorry for your loss.  I'm not sure if I am replying following forum rules as I am new to this site.  My lovely husband died a day after my birthday on 6th October from CHF and kidney failure.  I am still wondering how an outwardly superfit man could succumb to these issues.  I wasn't prepared for the rapid decline and ultimate event of him leaving me.  He had declined high blood pressure drugs out of fear of side effects.  I didn't want to force him to do anything he didn't want to but I wish I had.  The health authority also failed him.  I grieve for the man I loved and for him for the life he loved.  Take care.

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TLW19... I too wish I had forced my husband to pay more attention to his health even though he was outwardly healthy and come from a family that all have long lives. 

I'm sorry for your loss and just know you are not alone in your grief. 

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Nads.  Just read one of your posts.  I am so very sorry for your loss.  I feel the same sentiments as you and can say that for me it's getting worse.  Just spent this morning on phone trying to sort out tax returns.  Very distressing.  Take care and I hope you have a peaceful day and evening.

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I am so worried about tax returns for this year. He had student loans and we filed some papers to have them forgiven, but I believe we have to count it as income instead.  And things keep popping up.....

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I know exactly what you mean. For me it's every day something new comes up concerning legal matters and I am left to deal with it. Supposed to go to the lawyer today but just feel like it's too much to handle at the moment. 

I really do hope we can get through this somehow 

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I'm sorry for your loss too.  I think we all wish we'd been more assertive with their health, but we didn't know they'd die on us.  And some of it I fault the medical system for, they should have tested them, warned them, but didn't.  It's all a moot point now, we're having to live without them and can't change any of that.
 

We're able to claim them on our taxes the year they died in in the US, not sure about other countries.  Yes you have to count as income debt forgiveness, they'll send you a form to file, but if you don't have the money to pay the taxes, they'll set up a repayment plan with you.  I have a friend that's doing that.  I really hate that tax law!  How are people who aren't able to pay a debt supposed to cough up taxes on it?!  Doesn't make sense.

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I am sorry for all of us here. None of us should be here, but we are. Circumstances led us here and I am thankful for the internet and this forum. Where would we all be without the comfort and understanding we seek from this site? Checking in here and reading posts and responding has become part of my new routine now. A way to cope.My husband is not here to interact with, so this site is my substitute.

It's crappy we have to somehow deal with so many things by ourselves, the finances, legalities and taxes. It is so overwhelming. We depended on our spouses for so much of our daily existence and all of a sudden we are here, alone. We have to somehow grit our teeth and soldier on. How I wish so many times, that my husband would reach out his hand and pull me up there with him, wherever he is.

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Today was going by okay until my father in law passed by to see how i was doing. It is so hard for me to be around him because he reminds me so much of my husband. We spent a lot of time with him so now whenever I see my FIL it sets me back. 

I felt like I couldn't wait for him to leave. As soon as he did I broke down. He is eighty four and still going strong. I always looked at him and felt my husband would grow as old as his dad. Never would anyone would think he would leave us at forty seven. 

I am no even in any mood to talk to anyone  I sometimes don't answer my phone  I know everyone means well and they are just calling to support me but I'm finding it very difficult to have a conversation these days without falling apart 

This forum has become my only source of  Comfort now because I believe only someone who has been or is going through this could fully understand. 

I'm so tired of feeling like this. 

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I suppose I luck out in some ways because I live so far from the in-laws.  I had some uncalled for anger early on that I am trying to get over.  I have tried very hard not to let it show. They had been visiting the week my husband passed (stayed with us 2 1/2 weeks before he died) and had left just that morning.  I felt they had run him ragged.  He worked 2 days in a row of 12 1/2 hour shifts (hospital) and they wanted him to go tear down a barn for the wood so they could take it home.  He was so worn out and I didn't want him to.  But truth be told, it probably wouldn't have changed the outcome and there is no way I could have stopped him from doing that for them.

And their coping is to talk about how he is in a much better place and happy.  They even commented that he was so happy he didn't miss me.  In their Christmas letter they spoke of it as a happy event (religious theme).  I share the same faith as them, but not the same view of the afterlife.  But we all grieve differently. 

Either way, I can talk to them, but don't have to see them quite yet.  I crave to see his siblings though.  Not that I don't want to see his parents, but his siblings will laugh about what a character he is and won't go on about how happy he is now....without me.  The without me isnt said and I don't think they thought him unhappy with me.  

Anyway it is easier for them in some ways as their day to day life hasn't been disrupted, and harder in other ways because they lost their baby.  They had 41 years with him.  They knew him in ways I didn't and vice versa.

 

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19 hours ago, Emeliza said:

And their coping is to talk about how he is in a much better place and happy.

No wonder you don't want to be around them!  I wouldn't want to hear such nonsense either!  Not that I doubt it's a better place, but what was better than us being together!  Even with life's struggles, we were amazing together! 

My in-laws didn't bother me except his brother wanting his coin collection, which he didn't have any more anyway.  Grrr!  (Why would he not think it should go to pay his hospital bills if we did have it?!) 

In those early months I wanted someone to talk to but everyone disappeared.  My sisters called but they still don't have a clue what it's like to lose their husband.  They say things like, "At least you can watch what you want on t.v."  Really?!!!  Wow, such comfort!

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