Mother passed when I was 15

[Dustinh66]

So here is my story, any advice out here?

This is something that's kinda hard to talk about. I'm 30 years of age and have lived with my Mother's suicide for 15 years. I didn't see her much the last year and a half that she was alive, mainly had brief phone conversations always ending in her having to quickly hang up.

 I also gave up playing football to spend 2 extra weeks with her in the summer of my freshman year. After football season my sophomore year, I was awaken from a nap by my Grandpa and Dad sitting beside my bed. They told me that they had some bad news. My Mother had died of cancer. I was heart broken.

2 or 3 years had went by, now 17 or 18. I was visiting my Dad at work, when I see my Mother's death certificate laying on his drawing table. It says cause of death, asphyxiation. So I asked him why it said that. I wasn't mad at him for trying to help me, it just made it feel even worse. I loved her with all my heart. 

I don't think any of my family know that I had received some calls from private investigators. She had always told me to never tell anyone where she was. As a 15 year old kid, you're going to listen to your mother. After seeing her death certificate I think back and think, maybe I could have saved her. 

I live with it everyday and it kills me. Deep down inside I live with thinking that I could have prevented it. The few people I have talked to about this always tell me that it's not my fault. I live with depression and feeling lonely. There not a day goes by that I don't wish I could spend those last 2 weeks with her in the summer. 

I've also lived the last 15 years of drinking heavily. It has been good and bad. I have thought about suicide several times and have tried once. It didn't work. I feel hate towards my Mother for leaving me. One day I will see her beautiful face again and be happy. Until then, I must man up and keep living life.

This is the first time I've told my story to anyone besides friends. I'm in the process of stopping drinking and being a better person. As for this article, I would give a year of my life to see her again but, everyone knows that's not logical.

I hope any child that needs support early in life gets it. Get your story out there, it will make you feel better in the long run. 

Thank you. 

[reader]

Dear Dustin,

I'm so sorry. I know its very painful to lose your mother at such a young age. And its a struggle to carry on sometimes. Its a huge loss to process. I hope you can access any community resources, support groups or counselling to help your through this process. Its a long road. I've only started my journey. Take care of yourself.

[Missing Jack]

Hi Dustin,

I am glad that you are reaching out to other's with your story. I certainly understand being in dark places, depression, and also destructive behavior. I cannot tell you what a milestone it is that you have come to. A turning point. I will not kid you or sugarcoat things, the journey you are on is not an easy one, but I will tell you that it is one worth taking.

For whatever reason, many of us feel things very deeply.

Ah yes, manning up. Well certainly I know what that means. Been more than a few time I had to "man up," myself.

Sometimes, we men and women, steel ourselves, or attempt to insulate ourselves from deeply felt injury or pain. Of course just as often, we attempt to do this by some method that actually ends up causing us much more pain! It's the ole, I'll show you, I'll shoot me! If you have now come to a point where you have realized this, and have made your beginning, then you have taken a HUGE step in learning to live life fully. Trust me when I tell you, you deserve to live life fully. Never underestimate the absolute value of your own personal story. It is the most prized possession that any of us will ever have. And what the hell, if we are gonna be stuck on this ball of dirt for some yet to be determined time, we may as well make the most of it, wherever it may take us.

Good Luck to You on your New Journey Dustin,

God Bless You My Friend, Be Well

Michael

Justin, I just logged back in because I remember something that a very wise man shared with me, and it helped beyond measure, in my own case. He said, "Mike a resentment is nothing more than to re-feel the same things, over, and over, and over again. This can go on for a day, a week, month or a lifetime." For me it was the endless bad movie, continually playing over and over in my mind. I resented many things, people, situations that I felt that were not in within my control. The reality is I needed to be FREE of ALL those resentments, as they were for me, the great destroyer, the thief in the night that comes to steal all. Well anyway, I do go on don't I,  

Hope this helps.

[Ashlee S]

Dustin, I'm sorry you have been so hurt that you turned to alcohol to try to be comforted. I think in order for you to not feel so horrible about what happened, that you should forgive yourself first and then other people. Unforgiveness makes you a prisoner, no one else. You can do this.