How do people get past this?

[NeNeB]

This is my first time here. I desperately needed an outlet and a community who feels my pain. Three months ago, my boyfriend of two years died in a car accident. He was only 23 years old, and I'd just given birth to our first child a week before. The happiest time of my life quickly turned to the worst. I feel like everywhere I turn there is no one who feels my pain. I see people who has lost grandparents, parents, children, siblings, cousins, etc., but I know no one --young or old-- who has lost a significant other. No one knows this emptiness I feel. Especially having to raise our young child without him. How do I just let go of all the hopes and dreams for our future? What do I tell my daughter when she's older and she asks about him? What do I do with the anger and loneliness I feel?

He was my first love and my first loss. It's like this just isn't real. This is supposed to only happen in books and movies, not real life.

I prayed so much for him and our future. Our future as a couple and parents. Why wasn't it enough? Why him? Why us? I'm confused, I'm crushed, I'm angry. I feel so hopeless and broken. Life could never be the same. I will be lonely and my child will be fatherless forever. It's just not right. This feels cruel. I feel like I'm being punished for something I didn't do.

[Emeliza]

I am so sorry.  I total understand the feeling like you are in a book or movie.  I remember wondering when my life became a freaking Nicholas Sparks story.

As for your other questions, I don't know how we get past any of it.  Still too new at it.  We are older (he was 41 and I am 38). Our children are older 18 and 12.  

I started writing letters to him (my husband) almost every night.  I started 9 days after he passed.  I tell him about what is going on or just vent about what sucks or how much I miss him.  I write stories of our life together as he needs to live on with us somehow.  Maybe you can write some of your stories, funny things you did, dates, sayings, inside jokes and later be able to share them with your child. 

My thoughts are with you. 

[KayC]

NeNeB,

I'm so sorry, you aren't being punished, life is just damn unfair and seems rather random to me.  They say death is a part of life but you never expect it to hit when you're so young and just starting out your life.  I'm sorry your child won't get to know her dad firsthand.  I don't think it's "God's will" or that fate meted out punishment, it just happened and it's so horrible to deal with.  My heart goes out to you.

[MLG23]

Just over 3 months ago I lost my 22 year old fiancé in a car accident. We too had been together for two years. Although we did not have children, we had those hopes and dreams. I am sorry we have such terrible similarities with our losses, but I know your child will grow up knowing what a great man her father was. And will continue to be as well, because now she has what I refer to as a guardian angel. Although I am not religious, that term is what I can best describe that person who looks out for you on the other side. I lost my father as a teenager but always felt he was watching out for me. I hope maybe some of these words help, or even the fact that we have gone through similar losses. Hopefully we all can heal together.

[KMB]

NeNeB----So sorry for your loss and the pain, emptiness, you are going through. All of us on this forum understand. Please keep posting, you can cry, rant, anything you need to let out---we are here. Your baby will get to know her daddy through you. You will tell her all about him, keep his memories alive for her. He will live on in her and you will carry him in your heart. This journey of grief is a tough road----and you are so young to have to be on this journey, I am truly sorry. I hope you have family and friends to surround you with help and support. take care of yourself, NeNeB---take care of your baby, a gift from Heaven and her daddy.

[Jeff In Denver]

I'm very sorry...  Life can be so cruel.  I'm not sure that we get past this.  I think we just adapt and deal with the new reality.  It stays with us.

[Tim]

NeNeB,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can somewhat relate. Twelve years ago my soul mate, lover, wife rolled over at 2:30 in the morning and had a heart attack and died in my arms. Our daughter was 10 months old at the time. I imploded. I wasn't prepared to deal with such a loss and didn't handle it well at all. 

I can tell you 12 years later, the pain heals, the love remains. I love her as much today as then.

Create scrapbooks, write him letters. I wrote down our complete story, from the day we met to our last day. As time passes and memory fades I have it written down. 

I would urge you to find a local bereavement group where you can make connections and find support and friends to weather the storm with you.  

Tell your Beautiful daughter what a hero her Daddy was/is and of the cherished place he will always hold in your heart.

I hate this for you and I wish you the best. It does get better.

Tim

[KayC]

Tim,

Thank you for sharing that.

[DrewJones888]

NeNeB, I haven't been on here in a long while as I'm still coping myself. I lost my wife similar to Tim. It was 6am and her heart gave out. I performed CPR until the paramedics took over. I remember yelling at my kids to stay in their rooms. They were 15 and 17 at the time. Being a product of a broken home I can relate somewhat on another level. My parents divorced when I was two years old so I never had a father. My Mom struggled having to raise two boys alone but she pulled it off. Not only that she remarried and is very happy.

What helped me was in realizing that she's still with me. I talk to her all the time and when the mood strikes me I write in my journal. I also get great comfort in doing all I can to safeguard her memory. I built a website, I bought archival quality photo albums and moved pictures out of crappy albums into them (scanned some into the PC). Some of the more important documents/photos are in a safe. I will start construction soon to add onto the back of the house and as part of the project I'm tripling the size of the Master walk in closet so I have room for the things of hers I'll keep.

Aside from this you have a daughter that will need you more than ever. She will be your focus and she will grow up just fine.

This oversimplifies things and has been said over and over but time does indeed heal and you will get through this and someday (you are young so I guarantee that it will be sooner than you think)  will be happy again.

[KMB]

Thank you, DrewJones---You are doing a wonderful tribute to your wife, the photo albums and adding space for her things. It will all have so much meaning and comfort for you and your children. I miss my husband's physical presence. But, like you, I talk to him. There are still many moments though, when I walk into a room and he's not there-----you know how it is. My biggest fear, is that I will forget him and the memories. I do write down some things, I have photos everywhere and his letters and our cards to each other. I keep everything out and it looks cluttered, maybe even a little messy, but I don't care. I don't have any option but to try to continue on somehow and preserve my husband's memory and his legacy. I will see him again someday, my only consolation.

Take care, DrewJones---We are all coping in our own ways.

[Chasisdope]

I'm so sorry. My husband passed this October and was around your husband's age. We also have a little three year old girl. It is hard and probably the hardest thing to ever go through. I still have trouble figuring out what to say to my little girl when she asks for her daddy. She always asks for him! The two were best friends and inseparable. I'm still angry and I also feel punished and everything that you've stated. 

People will ask how we're doing and when we spill our hearts out, they don't know anyway unless they have lost the love of their life. That's why I always end up here on this forum. For the first month, I could barely write a response let alone try to comfort someone else. I'm glad I can be here for you, if you ever want to message me, please feel free. 

I still wonder why and ask why but we'll probably never know. I always feel like it's so unreal and this shouldn't be happening or have happened. Just like what you said, only in books, movies, and stories you hear. You'd never imagine being the one to experience this. But in life, there is life & death. I have learned that I'm no longer afraid of death as I know my husband will wait for me on the other side. I'm just here to raise our daughter and make sure she grows up to be a decent person. I also have life insurance for myself in case anything happens my loved ones will be okay financially. 

 

[KMB]

Hi Chasis---What we are going through does seem surreal. Many times I feel that I am somehow stuck in another dimension in a nightmare from which I cannot wake up and get away from. In reality, my husband is in Heaven, which is another dimension where I cannot see, touch or talk to him and hear his voice. From everything that I read and research on, there is only a thin veil separating us. but it is impenetrable, that veil. Every day, I wish that we were allowed visits to that other dimension. I would settle for 10 minutes a week for that visit. Even for 10 minutes a month. Since the world keeps evolving, why hasn't that veil evolved and gotten even thinner, just so we can get glimpses of our loved ones?

[Jeff In Denver]

On 12/29/2016 at 3:30 PM, KMB said:

Hi Chasis---What we are going through does seem surreal. Many times I feel that I am somehow stuck in another dimension in a nightmare from which I cannot wake up and get away from. In reality, my husband is in Heaven, which is another dimension where I cannot see, touch or talk to him and hear his voice. From everything that I read and research on, there is only a thin veil separating us. but it is impenetrable, that veil. Every day, I wish that we were allowed visits to that other dimension. I would settle for 10 minutes a week for that visit. Even for 10 minutes a month. Since the world keeps evolving, why hasn't that veil evolved and gotten even thinner, just so we can get glimpses of our loved ones?

I don't normally reply with quoted material, but I am saving your post offline.  Very well said!  You nailed it!

[KMB]

I do way too much reading and analyzing for my own good right now. I just don't feel that my husband was ready to leave this life, I witnessed him struggling every day to stay here. He was in such good spirits his last day, It would be so much more understandable and maybe even more comforting if he had been suffering in extreme pain and begging to go.

When I was a teenager and witnessed my grandma in the hospital with her colon cancer, she would rock back and forth on the bed begging God to take her. When He finally did, I grieved of course, but I pictured her as she used to be before the cancer and was comforted because she was no longer in pain.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, KMB said:

I just don't feel that my husband was ready to leave this life

I get that...I was so shocked when my husband had his heart attack, barely 51 years old.  He had so much living left to do.

[KMB]

That's how I feel KayC---If it wasn't for his heart, I believe my husband would still be here. On dialysis of course, since we were just a few days from him getting going on that for his kidney failure. But he would still be here.

[KayC]

Mine too...I can't believe his doctor didn't send him to a cardiologist, esp. since he'd been complaining of tightness of chest and pain in the ankle...both symptoms.  He'd had heartburn right beforehand too, another symptom.  If only they'd have caught it sooner, but alas that's all of our hearts' cry.