Never Knew

[Emeliza]

I never knew what real grief was.  I have lost grandparents and older friends, but no one young or immediate.  I have watched friends grieving over the loss of their friends, family, and even children.  I knew it was "sad", but months later, I didn't understand why it was still so bad for them.  I mean logically I got it a bit, but I just never really understood.  I hope I was kind and compassionate to them.

Four months ago my wonderful husband died unexpectedly.  He was there and then he wasn't.  I got a call to come to the hospital, but I had no idea.  They said he has heart issues and was taken by ambulance to the hospital.  He was declared dead about 4 minutes before I got there.  He worked there so everyone knew him.  

I had to tell his parents.  They had just left our house that morning after a 2 1/2 week visit and were 4 hours into their drive home.  I had to tell my daughters.  I had to tell my family.  I didn't want to tell anyone else.  I didn't want it to be real.

So here we are, 4 months later and trying to figure out a new normal, minus the best person I knew.

And I am so sad for all those who have lost and I don't want to be selfish and bitter, but there are more moments than I care to admit where I wonder how I went from having someone who loved me so much and was my partner in so many ways, to losing all of that.  To knowing everything is on me now.  

I was a single parent before, but I never thought I would have to be again.  

And one of the worst things I discovered is that you lost that person you shared everything with and even with friends, they all have lives and you are just a small part of it so it isn't like you can do anything with all this junk you used to share. It just sits there, unshared.

There is a quote from a movie that sums it up and can be said for spouse or partner:

"We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day.  You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.  Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness'."

 

[KMB]

Emeliza---i am sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you. My husband also passed of a heart attack in August. We both lost that person we shared everything with. The grief makes you feel that you are up against a brick wall. No where to go because of the brick wall of grief behind you and all the scary stuff and aloneness you can't face in front of you. All we can do is take baby steps into the scary stuff and run back to the brick wall of grief when we need to. Someday, we might not need that brick wall, I don't know.

Your quote does sum it up so well. We need a witness to our existence and our witness is gone. But yet, we were a witness to their lives. How can one exist without the other?

One day at a time, Emeliza. Our husbands are witnessing our lives from Heaven and somehow we must struggle to make them proud. Prayers and hugs to you.

[Emeliza]

Thank you.

My entire perspective on life has definitely changed.  All my hopes, dreams and future plans were ours and often more his.  I was the practical one and he was my dreamer.  Now I have no future thoughts and you are right, it is too daunting to face right now.

I keep reading posts where people are so overwhelmed and I have to say, as much as I hated to hear it, it does get easier.  Not better, but easier.  I don't like life right now, but I am still semi living and before, I wasn't even doing that.

How have you managed?

[KMB]

Emeliza---We are never going to be the same again and our life as we knew it is gone. it is virtually a new life and finding out who we are supposed to be and another purpose. I've been taking one day at a time. I don't think about tomorrow, unless I have an appointment or something else I cannot forget about. I don't think about next week, next month. Thinking about anything, sometimes,can be so overwhelming. Not to mention emotionally and mentally exhausting. But not so exhausting as to bring sleep at night. Sleep is so elusive.

To answer your question, I don't really know how I am managing. I have our pets to take care of. One cat and one dog. If it wasn't for them, I might have just decided to crawl into bed and never leave it. I cannot forsake them and give up. I just picture my husband shaking his head and rolling his eyes at me whenever I sounded stubborn about something.If he were in my shoes, he would be struggling to continue on, so I have to try to do the same.

Hang in there---there are many good souls on this forum. I don't have very much of a support system with family and friends and I attend a once a month grief support group. Without this forum that I come onto daily, I would certainly be worse off without the comfort of others on here who really do understand.

[Emeliza]

In many ways, I am blessed as I have too many obligations to stop.  My 18 year old was supposed to move out for college 3 days after my husband passed, but put it off until last week.  My 12 year old was supposed to start school the day of the funeral, but started 3 days late.  Life doesn't stop, even when you want it to.

Like many on here, I am sure, my husband didn't have life insurance.  I do, but he was going to school full time so had switched to weekend package at the hospital, no benefits.  Anyway it all just means I have to work every day and keep going.  It might suck when all you want to do is stay home, hermit and grieve, but it also means I can't wallow as much as I would like. 

[KMB]

Emeliza---You will survive, it won't be easy. You'll stumble and fall, pick yourself up and keep continuing. You have your children and your obligations. Your husband would want you to. To take over and survive because he no longer can be here. He'll be watching over you and sending love and healing. Got to have faith and hope.

[Emeliza]

You seem to have a lot of wisdom with this.  Thank you for your kindness, especially since I know you are hurting.

[KMB]

Emeliza-----I've been learning along the way. Every single day is a struggle. I stumble and fall many times. I don't want to get out of bed, but I do, because the dog has to out and my own bladder says I have to. I spend a lot of time on the computer for distraction. In the beginning, taking care of my husband's end of life wishes, dealing with his will and the attorney, making the legal and financial changes. With all of that stuff, I broke down every time. I was with my husband when he had his will made out. Wasn't that long ago. Every time I had to make a decision, I would cry. Due to finances , I had to cancel his cellphone account. I cried when I was on the phone doing that and all over again with his credit card. Had to switch over the insurance policies. I spent a lot of time crying, telling my husband that I should not have to be doing these things so soon, should not be doing them at all. My husband was a truck driver and had to quit working last February. His legs didn't want to work right anymore. It hurt the both us, he loved his work and loved his truck. We started the process of dissolving the business. I've had that to finish on my own now. Doing the taxes for this year will finish everything. It is all so painful. This has been a very sad, depressing year and everything happened so fast with so many changes.My husband was the center of my existence, I don't know what to do without him. I carry the pain of his loss every day. But I'm trying to continue on as he would want me to do.I haven't touched any of his personal belongings yet. His jacket is still over a kitchen chair. His keys and cellphone are still on the table. The last of his dirty laundry is in a plastic bag in the laundry room, can't bring myself to wash them. I sleep with his hat. I don't know what else to say---as humans, there must be a built in will for survival. Starting over again being alone sucks big time. We were together for 25 years. If I could have died of a broken heart, it should have happened by now. Someday, we will be together again.

[KayC]

Emeliza,

I just posted a long reply to you and the site stopped working and I lost it.  

You are a caring person and I'm sorry this happened to you.  Our love continues still, we are separated by a this veil between this life and the one to come, but perhaps they hear and see us.  I continue in faith, knowing we'll be together again.  I can't think about "the rest of my life" it's too much, I try to stay in today, it's enough to deal with.

[SF Gal]

On 12/26/2016 at 2:38 PM, Emeliza said:

Anyway it all just means I have to work every day and keep going.  It might suck when all you want to do is stay home, hermit and grieve, but it also means I can't wallow as much as I would like. 

Emeliza,

When I read the above I thought that is where I am, too.  My husband has a little life insurance, but to pay the bills I need to work.  In some ways going to work is my salvation.  I spend a lot of time on the phone with clients.  In the beginning I just couldn't answer when they would ask how I was.  They didn't know and I wasn't going to tell them.  I also could not say I was "fine" when that was the last thing I felt.  Thankfully, in the first couple of weeks back my coworkers shielded me from the public and I was able to get used to be part of that community again.  Now I can tell people I am fine and get on with the business at hand.  I am not fine.  I have come to know that I have no desire to share my loss with my clients.  Anyway, just my way of saying that I understand the desire to be alone to grieve.  

I used to look forward to weekends so much.  Now I dread those two days, mostly by myself.  I try to find something to do out of the house midway through or I find that I never get dressed or dry my tears.  Little by little I am learning how to take care of me all over again.  Donny took good care of me and I miss that.

[KayC]

I find that we say "fine" when we really don't want to get into it.  There are some people we can let our guard down with but clients aren't usually those people!

[Emeliza]

Fine and ok seem to be just what we say.

I would give about anything to be able to hug my husband today.  Or hold his hand.  Or have his arm slung over my shoulders.  Or just listen to him breathe.  And I really wish I could hear him tell a story or laugh.

[Tim]

Emeliza,

Reading your post and the responses given bring tears to my eyes. It brings the pain back which I do like. Not for your sakes. For that I am empathic and sorrowful. I would wish this experience on no one. It has been 12 years for me. To feel the pain is to have her with me still.

One thing that helps me and I hold scared is the fact that I do believe in God. So in believing I also believe I can straight-out ask God to "please allow Eileen to hear me tonight". I will then go on to have a full conversation with her with the faith that she is hearing me. I speak to her of my pain, my troubled soul, how sorry I am, how much I love her and miss her, how beautiful our daughter is, I bear my soul to her. I do believe God allows this. I can feel a change in my spirit when I have these conversations.

I can relate to so many things you say in your post. I still have her clothes in zip lock bags, I strain to smell her. I have clippings of her hair in my nightstand. She comes to me in my dreams sometimes. 

"I would give about anything to be able to hug my husband today.  Or hold his hand.  Or have his arm slung over my shoulders.  Or just listen to him breathe.  And I really wish I could hear him tell a story or laugh."

Emeliza when you so desperately need to hear, see, and feel these things... Listen for him in his childrens laughter. Feel his comfort in his parents arms. Talk to his siblings or best friends, share stories about him and you will learn stories about him. Sleep in his clothes. I hope I have said something that helps in your pain.

You seem to have much support and friendship here. This is always a very good thing. 

Best wishes,

Tim

[KayC]

Tim,

It's comforting to me to have someone this far out in their journey here, usually I'm the one who has been at it the longest, you have me beat by a few months.  I had someone ask me if I felt by going on grief forums I was dragging it out, not allowing myself to move on.  ??!!  No, nothing I do adds to this loss, it just is.  If anything, it's validating to know there are others going through the same emotions and experiences.  At the end of the day, he's still gone and it's not like anything I say or do will make me not notice.  I don't dwell on my grief, I make effort to focus on what IS in my life...yet his absence still comes crashing through, how can one not notice that.  I look forward to being with him again and my belief and faith keeps me going.

[KMB]

Yes, Tim, it is comforting to have you here. And KayC has been a Godsend for me and plenty of others. It has been therapeutic in some ways to know that people do and can survive this journey of grief.I do believe that when I talk to my husband, that he can hear me. I feel a sense of calmness when I talk to him or write letters to him. It does help to be able to express my emotions in some form and release them.