I can't identify how I feel

[Noir]

Hi all I'm not sure how this works it's my first time on any forum. But I feel the need to talk to someone. Here goes...

I spent the majority of my life hating my grandmother, hate is s strong word but I disliked her, a lot. When I was little I thought she was mean and too serious, never got presents from her or anything, which isn't important but as a child it stood out to me. I don't recall her ever hugging me, kissing me, or even telling me she loved me. As I got older I learned more about her, she was mean to my mom as well, it was obvious she had favorite children and grandchildren, my mother and I were on neither list. I discovered my mom crying countless times over something my grandmother had said or done to her. My step grandfather after years of being together left my grandmother, and I remember thinking she deserved it, I felt bad but she was mean to him as well and he did everything for her he was like a slave. The older I got the more I resented her, for treating my mom like crap and for never being a grandmother to me but I grew to a point where I didn't "need" her. Over the years my grandmothers health deterrioated but because she let herself go, she became very dependent of my uncle whom she lived with and did nothing by herself, not because she wasnt capable but because she wanted to be waited on hand and foot. It's just who she was. She was only 75 and she began doing her business on herself and requesting to be bathed in bed, keep in mind she was not sick and was in decent shape. Anytime I saw her I avoided her, I have an old fashion family and I would never disrespect her so I would avoid her and not talk to her and pretend she didn't exist. I also always said that when she passed I wouldn't cry that I would be sad for my mother but I wouldn't care. 

Yet here we are, on Monday she passed away at 75 years old. She was recently in and out of the hospital due to her lungs filling up with water from laying in bed too much, it's what I was told. Her last visit she was kept longer and they told her her kidneys were failing her and she only had 3 days to live. When I got the news I froze, I immediately felt numb, I thought "omg my grandmother is going to die and I'm not sure how I feel" but I did, I felt sad, panicked, and plain awful. I immediately went to the hospital to be with my mother in this hard time, but when I saw my grandmother laying there looking so different and out of it, I broke down and cried. It hurt, it hurt a lot and I was so caught off guard by my feelings. The next day she passed and we all went there to say goodbye, there are lot of us. She had 7 children and 18 grandchildren. They all sat around her lifeless body talking about things she would say to them and stories etc and I sat there with tears in my eyes just staring at her thinking "why didn't you love me?" I have no stories about her, no memories and believe it or not one photo with her at all. She's gone now and I'm left with nothing. Everyone tries to comfort me with the fact that she was rough and stubborn and "it's just how she was" but I see that she had at least somewhat of a relationship with my other cousins and I'm hurt. 

I spent my whole life resenting her and avoiding her because it was the easy thing to do, but now she's gone and I'm left here feeling like crap for the things I thought and ever said about her. I think maybe if I tried harder with her even though I do know she was a mean person, but I'm plagued with all the "what ifs". I even got in an argument with one of my younger cousins because tensions are so high and we're all on edge but now I feel even more disconnected from the family. I feel hated and I feel like I have no right to mourn her. I simply don't know what to do with all these constant shifting feelings. I'm depressed and it all feels surreal.

[KMB]

Noir---I am sorry for your loss. You are grieving for your grandma, it is a realization of that for which you are feeling. Having all the shifting feelings is normal. You have the feelings of being unloved by her while growing up and now you also have feelings for what could have been. The best advice I can give you is for you to forgive yourself for the feelings you had for her and forgive your grandma. When we pass over to Heaven, the only emotion taken there is love. Your grandma loves you, despite her personality here on earth. You have every right to mourn for your grandma. She is family and even though she didn't show it or acknowledge it, I'm sure she did love you, she just did not know how to express that love.Prayers and hugs to you.