Hi all.

[Adam in PA]

I am sorry for everybody's loss.  I know your pain. 

 

My girlfriend, Terry, died November 20. One month and a day ago. We had been living together for 12 years. I am 44 years old. 

On Friday,  November 11, she had a  doctor's appointment I took her to.  After examining her,  the doctor summons me to the back and informs me Terry needs to go to the hospital.

 Her liver is failing,  she may be in "end stage" he says.

 Then he asks if I've had my cholesterol checked recently.  Seems like an odd question. I'm fairly young and healthy looking,  but I answer I had a health screening at work,  it's good. Then he asks if i have a primary doctor?  I answer I do.  He's trying to drum up extra business at a time like this? 

 We leave for the hospital.  She's admitted,  given tests,  and a blood transfusion. Several days go by with more testing,  transfusions, etc.  The doctors aren't saying too much. 

 On Tuesday,  a counselor at the hospital has a private meeting with me,  and  she informs me my partner is not going to survive. She recommends a facility in a nearby medical center for hospice care. 

 I have many questions she is not able to answer,  including how much time my girlfriend has left. So we schedule a meeting for the next day.  But I do tell her if hospice care is needed, Terry would probably rather be at home, if that's possible.  She tells me that can be arranged. 

On Wednesday,  I meet with the counselor. She tells me Terry won't survive more than 3 weeks.  

She highly recommends the medical facility for hospice care over home care. The facility is comfortable,  nurses to watch over her at all times,  and 24 hour visitation.  

For home care, a nurse would only visit once a day,  plus be on call for emergencies.  I would have to be home to take care of her 24/7 as we don't have other family members we are close with. 

It sounds daunting to me,  but I tell the counsellor Terry would rather be at home. So we arrange for home hospice care. 

Then I go back to Terry's room. To make sure I made the right decision,  I tell her they are going to release her from the hospital,  but she still needs care. I tell her the hospital recommends a facility where nurses can take care of her and I can be with her anytime, or come home and... she stops me before I finish my sentence.  

She says she wants to go home. I tell her the nurse will only visit once a day,  and you'll only have Nurse Adam most of the time.  She says she wants nurse Adam. 

 The next day I inform work I'll be out at least a month. 

  At this point,  Terry actually doesn't know she's this close to dying.  She has been hostile with doctors and doesn't let them have conversations with her, and kicks them out of the room if they try. If you knew Terry,  this isn't out of character for her. I'm just happy she was nice to the nurses and aides. 

  I ask her if anybody has told her about her prognosis,  she says no,  and she'll kick me out, too,  if I talk about it. 

 On Saturday,  she is scheduled to be transported home. By phone,  a nurse tells me a hospice nurse might not be able to visit our home that day,  do i still want Terry released.  I said it's okay with me if Terry is okay with it.  I go to hospital,  15 minutes away,  and ask Terry myself.  She says she wants to go home. 

 Around 4 in the afternoon Terry arrives at home, hospital bed and other medical equipment set up in living room (her location choice). A nurse was able to visit that evening. 

At 11:30 that night,  we go to bed after watching our favorite tv show I recorded earlier in the week.  She stays in the living room,  I go to adjacent bedroom.  

Around 1:30 in the morning,  I hear her talking,  and the bed making noise like she's trying to get up. 

I come out to ask what she needs,  and she's repeating "don't let her die,  don't let her die" several times.  I ask don't let who die,  and she says "Me. I'm dying.  I'm dying." I'm thinking maybe the nurse mentioned she is a hospice nurse,  and the reality has just hit her. 

She asks me to help her up,  she wants to sit on the side of the bed.  I put the bar down on the side of the bed,  help her up,  and put her legs over the side of the bed.  I sit next to her,  holding her hand for a while. 

Then she is ready to lay back down,  and I help her.  But she keeps moving around and is in discomfort for a while. I turn on the radio, she loved country music, and I rub her arm.  She finally starts to settle down. 

I sit in a reclining chair near the foot of the bed.  She calls my name.  I answer I'm right here.  She lifts her head up and looks at me and says okay.  

A short time later, at 3am,  I hear a gurgling noise. I get up.  Her eyes are closed.  I turn her on her side, thinking she is vomiting. Clear fluids stream out of her mouth and nose. Her eyes open. 

I then knew she was gone. 

Less than 12 hours after coming home. 

I knew she was going to die,  but had no idea it was going to be right then. 

This last hour and a half is forever etched in my brain. It plays in my mind like a video on a constant loop,  all day. 

 

Thanks for reading this far.  Neither one of us were very close to our families, and we rarely socialized or have close friends.

Right before she was hospitalized,  the same week, I was transferred to a new location at work,  retail store.  So  I hardly  know anybody at work. I went back 9 days after she passed. 

Two loners as a couple works well.  One loner grieving,  not so much.

 

[Chasisdope]

I'm so sorry about your girlfriend, Terry. I know what you mean by the last thing being etched in your mind. I didn't get to see my husband's last moments and I wish I did. I only seen him when they already pulled the plug on him. He was already gone by then. I got a call from his mom saying he was in the ICU so I dropped everything and rushed down there. I never knew he was gone until I got there. I lived 8 hours away from him at that time he was getting treatment for his leukemia. He fought it for nearly two years. And the last two months, I had to be away which I regret every second of my life. All I want is to be with him even now. I'm a loner too that's why I find comfort with this forum and the people who are here to share their stories. 

 

[KMB]

So sorry for your loss, Adam. Small consolation, but you were fortunate to be able to be with her those last hours. It must have been very stressful and devastating for everything to happen as quickly as it did with no chance of hope, medical treatment. Life can be so unfair.

There are no words to express how you must feeling, dealing with this alone. Starting a new job, no close family or friends. My heart goes out to you. Is there any chance of both of your families getting together to help you?  You might want to consider grief support, either group meetings or a counselor, therapist----you should not have to grieve alone. It will help to be with others who will understand what you are going through.

This is a safe forum, something led you here----we will listen and hear you. Try our best to bring you comfort. Prayers sent your way.

[KayC]

Adam,

I am so sorry for your loss.  You did what was right for her, and I'm glad she got to be at home where she wanted to be.
Did the doctor ever tell you why he asked about your doctor?  Did she have something contagious or was he concerned about your shared life style?  I'd want to know her cause of death and how it could possibly affect you physically.
When my husband died, my boss and coworkers were wonderful, but shortly after it went out of business and I had to find a new job...I was suddenly working with young people that had not a clue about grief/loss and my support was gone.  I do understand how you might be feeling right now.  It's tough at best.  Is there a human resource department you could talk to where perhaps they could brief people on what it's like?  IDK, you may not want that since it sounds like you're a private person.  But they did that at my job when my husband died, had someone who had suffered loss talk to everyone about what to expect and how to best help me through it.  God I miss that place!   
It's hard enough getting used to all of the adjustments this means to us...

[Sadaf Nazim]

Adam I am so sorry for your loss. I don't have any words to tell you. Except that I can feel your pain. 

Prayers to you. 

[Adam in PA]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

Adam,

I am so sorry for your loss.  You did what was right for her, and I'm glad she got to be at home where she wanted to be.
Did the doctor ever tell you why he asked about your doctor?  Did she have something contagious or was he concerned about your shared life style?  I'd want to know her cause of death and how it could possibly affect you physically.
When my husband died, my boss and coworkers were wonderful, but shortly after it went out of business and I had to find a new job...I was suddenly working with young people that had not a clue about grief/loss and my support was gone.  I do understand how you might be feeling right now.  It's tough at best.  Is there a human resource department you could talk to where perhaps they could brief people on what it's like?  IDK, you may not want that since it sounds like you're a private person.  But they did that at my job when my husband died, had someone who had suffered loss talk to everyone about what to expect and how to best help me through it.  God I miss that place!   
It's hard enough getting used to all of the adjustments this means to us...

She was a recovering alcoholic.  Years of alcohol abuse brought this on.  I suspect medication the doctor had her on  could have also contributed.

She was on  two medications for several years. One for cholesterol,  one for high blood pressure.  She didn't want to see the doctor. We often argued about that.

The  doctor kept renewing the prescriptions, no questions asked, no checkups. Obviously, now I feel horrible I didn't address my concerns to the doctor myself. 

A doctor at the hospital mentioned seeing if she improves after getting off those medications, hence my suspicions they may have contributed.

I rarely drink. I had a glass of champagne on new year's,  then maybe a total of one six pack of beer throughout this year.  My biggest vice is a bowl of ice cream 2 to 3 nights a week. 

I believe the doctor was trying to get more business by asking if I've had my cholesterol checked.   You bring up a good point that there could have been good,  legitimate reasons to ask. But I don't see it in this case. 

I think that's awesome what your employer did to help you and your co-workers.  Sounds like it was a great place to work.  I am curious what the advisor told your co-workers on what to expect and how to help. 

Can you share? 

[KMB]

Adam--Sorry you are going through this. In grieving, we have many questions and spend time and energy ( and our energy is already drained from our grieving) looking for answers that will probably never be found. It could be possible that Terry's liver was already compromised by alcohol abuse and the medications prescribed escalated the failure. Many years ago, I was prescribed a cholesterol med and I was developing side effects I couldn't tolerate, so I discontinued the use. Years later I read that cholesterol meds over time deteriorate the liver and kidneys. It is so unfortunate that chemical medications that are supposed to help or cure can also lead to disastrous other medical issues.

You did everything humanly possible to save Terry. You were able to be with her and I'm sure she is looking down on you from Heaven sending her love to you.

[KayC]

Adam,

Well since I wasn't there I don't know everything he shared, just what to expect, like I might erupt into tears all of a sudden, our brains are in a fog, it's hard to function, etc.  Just to be there, care, be patient and understanding.  He shared his experience with them and how it went for him.