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Joyless


dbateman

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I used to love Christmas. Now it hurts to see people being happy. Last night I snapped my favourite Christmas music CDs in half. If it wouldn't be completely selfish, I'd tear down the tree and cancel Christmas altogether. I've become someone I don't recognize with so much bitterness inside.

Our son took his own life in October. We had no idea he was so at risk. I knew he was troubled and was trying to get him to talk to me... but then he pulled the plug. Talking is no longer possible. It's beginning to look like he was fighting an addiction to either cocaine or ecstasy, and he was ashamed to let us know the truth.

Family is the most important thing in the world to me and now mine is forever broken. The pain is real and physical in my throat and chest. It goes away sometimes, but mostly I hurt.

How are you coping with this season of joy? For those who have survived more than one Christmas, is there anything that helped you get through?

Thank you.

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XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I still feel the same as u about Christmas.   

I have lost the two dons who loved me in word and deed.  

One to suicide. 

I , too used to love chriatma time. 

Now I just go Thur the motions as I go to my husbands kids and grandkids celebrations.   

I am basically invisable to them.   But my husband is remembered on all the important days and coddled and pampered by all his large family 

last year his daughter took him and i out for Father's Day.  But only he was mentioned when she said how great it was having dinner with him.

yes I resent all he has and that all our married life that's how it's been for me yet he doesn't see it   I am so sorry for your loss   

The only thing that makes CHRiSTMAS bearable is to do for myself  things and buy myself what I want   I am really all

alpne now  my husband is a good man but he's never ever had to give up anything family    And before I lost first one then the other I let him drag me to all his family things and I loved them

loke my own     But I learned the real truth after I lost my kids 

THE PIC BELOW IS LEFT TO RIGHT ~

Rocky   &   Ronnie    Ronnie when they were little boys ~ Ronnie died of suicide at 34 

Rocky died in a motorcycle accident at 21

 

 

 

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First, I am truly sorry for your loss.  

My son passed on December 7, 2012.  My husband and I are enduring our 4th Christmas since then, although it feels like the 3rd.  The first Christmas was so close to his death that I can't honestly remember anything about it.  Bryce was our only child so we thought we should be around family in 2013.  What we found was that it was really hard to be around all the festivities and families.  We faked that we were ok and cheerful and in the end it didn't do anything for our souls and coping during the Holiday season.  We have the added emotional struggle of the anniversary of his death falling during the Holiday season so my experience with Christmas may be different than you find in the long run.  Also, you do not mention if you have other children that you need to nurture, love and make Christmas special for.

With that said, this is the first year we are even trying to buy a gift for each other and make it "Christmas".  We do not decorate our house anymore and we generally get away from our house full of memories for Christmas.  It has been helpful for us.

You are really truly just getting started on your grief journey.  Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time.  What we are comfortable with is different for everyone and there is no right or wrong in this process and how we deal, individually, with what we face in our grieving.  There are things that were so important and got under my skin horribly the first two years "after" that now just don't seem so important.  It's a process and hopefully the sharp edges of your grief will soften over time.

Peace to you,

Jill

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TearsInHeaven

dbateman-  I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing.  I understand it when I say that.  This is my 3rd Christmas without my son. Like Jill (Bryce's mom) I also lost my son close to the holiday's-- it was the day after Thanksgiving 2014.  So--  that Christmas was so raw and his memorial was planned for Dec 27th so it was more than rough. I can relate to your bitterness.  But one thing you will learn as you travel this grief journey is that you are not the person you once were. You never will be that person as you learn to adjust to your new normal. But right now you just need to take it one breath at a time, one minute at a time. The first few months are so painful that most times you are lucky to remember who you are. The first year is full of FIRSTs and each one will be difficult. Now let me state that each of us has a grief that is unique because our loss is as unique to each of us as was our love for our lost child. But I can share those experiences.  I still cannot listen to Christmas music and when I am in a store I try not to focus on decorations or whatever.   Didn't go to any stores that first year for sure.  My husband and I do not have any kids at home with us so we have no decorations or tree.  I am still a newbie on this. Please come join us on the Forum Loss of An Adult Child. That is an active thread with so many people in various stages of grief.  We have some who have been there for many years and I think of them as mentors who have helped me so much.  Without this forum I had no one to talk to and many times thought I just could not make it. Your ups and your downs will happen.  There a good people to be there, to listen, and to make sure that  you are not alone in this.

Rainie- Missing B- please come join us on the Loss of An Adult Child.  We are all in this together.

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Thank you MissingB and Rainie. I have two surviving adult sons. We are all grieving in a different way. My youngest son has chosen to spend Christmas eve and Christmas day with his girlfriend's family instead of with us. We will see him Boxing day so it's not like I won't see him at all. Yet when I learned about his plan, I was devestated. After many tears I came to understand that I was expecting my surviving children to make up for the loss of Chris.

To me, that's one of the challenges of suicide. The damage can spread. It can harm all of the family relationships if everything begins to center around the suicide. It's like a lens that distorts everything that happens.

I thought if I had my two surviving sons close at hand, I could make it through Christmas. Gradually, I'm starting to realize that I need to help myself heal and let my sons seek healing in their own way. If it comforts my youngest to be with his girlfriend and her family, I need to support that.

I was shocked and horrified when my son chose to take his own life. I did not see it coming, yet when I look back, I can see there were warning signs. It is torture. I keep asking myself what I did wrong as a mother. It's not just that my son took his life, he'd also formed an addiction. We're still trying to find out more about that.

I don't know if it will help, but we've decided to break with tradition on Christmas day. After breakfast, we are going to drive to a remote beach and light a fire. We keeping it small, just my husband, my son and me.

My heart hurts for all of us. I am sorry for your pain. Take care of yourselves.

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Rickie and Ronnie are beautiful. This is me with two of my sons. Chris is on the far right. I love him so. I hate that he is gone. I want him back.

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They are beautiful young men.    I , too, want my sons back.  

Thankx for shareing your heart with us.    Rainie

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Debate an I am sorry for your loss. We have recently loss our oldest son and Thanksgiving and Christmas has been extremely hard. I have tried to keep them as normal as possible for my youngest who is home from college. But I think faking it is just making everything worse. I just don't know how to cope any more. 

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Dbateman and Donniesmom I hear and understand your pain. My first thanksgiving xmas and new year I was out of my mind with grief and heavily medicated so this past holiday season was still very painful and difficult. I celebrated early with my adult children as it was their fathers year with them and i tried to hide my sorrow as best I could. They decorated as I also had ankle surgery before they came home but none of us could bear to decorate the tree as that was always our favourite tradition. We did the best we could to act normally. I spent xmas with my parents and again tried to fake it through for them because they were trying so hard to make it ok for me. Many many bitterly sad tears shed at night and I found myself withdrawing. If you have other children you need to try and make it special because otherwise they may feel they are being punished. It is ok to feel bitter and angry and just want the holidays to be over, most of us feel that way inside. I could not listen to xmas music either and wrapped presents with ice in my heart but participated as much as I could for other people's sake. I gave a donation to a homeless charity in my son's name for his xmas present and allowed myself small amounts of time to be alone and be able to let go of my emotions. Grief can be crippling and that is ok as long as we can pick ourselves up brush ourselves off and make some positive headway toward living in some small way. Life will never be the same as it was before we lost our precious children but we can make new traditions and donations to others in our children's memory. In time peace will come and hopefully some joy.

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Donnie's mom

Thank you Tommy's mom. It is good to hear it's normal to feel this way. My youngest seems to have gotten through the season fairly well or hid it better than me. I did manage to do all of the normal stuff. I host Christmas every year for both families but it wasn't the same. 

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Ahhh I feel for you all I am just starting to go through the grieving process my son comitted suicide five weeks ago today. Some days are awful come days I struggle through.  I have three other children who I am trying to be string for as I don't want them to think their mum is losing it.  I miss him so much just want one more cuddle and to hear his haughty laugh.  I don't know how I'm ever gonna do this ???

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Linzilegs68 welcome. I am so sorry for your loss. i know that sounds a bit trite and at first I hated the word lost. I wanted to scream at everyone "I didn't lose Tommy he was taken from me" but there is a gentleness too it sounds better than murdered or killed but whatever way you voice it the fact remains that we dont have our child. All I can say to you and I dont know if it will help is that there is absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent your son's suicide nothing. You must accept that one fact. There are a multitude of factors that cause major stress and if that person is completely overwhelmed all they crave is peace and quiet and to be out of the haunting scene they find themselves living through. There is no tomorrow, no hope left, no light, no way out, no way to continue to struggle on. I know this from personal experience. I have had depression and anxiety for years that I am treated for but when my son Tommy was killed in 2015 I fell into a huge abyss and literally lost my mind. There were other factors that contributed including a cold and callous ex husband who continues to manipulate our other 3 kids and caused unecessary drama and anxiety over our son's body funeral and ashes. Still I got to that place where i could not breathe another breath could not make it another day and I tried to kill myself. i told noone I went to a secluded place in my car, left no notes and I took every single medication I had along with whisky because it was not attention seeking I wanted to do it right. I had loads of different medications because I am supplied with a months supply at a time and then I also took a load of ibuprofen to finish the job and also the alcohol when I dont even like whisky. I sat with my dead son's photo because I wanted him to meet me and I waited to die. It felt peaceful and the right thing to do. uncannily my sister came to my house that evening and whilst standing by Tommy's photo she had a feeling she knew where i may be. She found me and had to do CPR to bring me back until the ambulance arrived. fastforward into the ER where they continued resusc and i was on life support including a ventilator for 8 days in Intensive care. there were two other occasions when I nearly died because of severe double pneumonia from choking on my own vomit. What I am trying to say is that no one can stop you when the depression is that severe no one. I should have been stronger for my kids how could I leave them so soon after their brother was killed what a terrible person I was, but it was that black depression overtaking my sanity, and i see that now. i am so sorry your son could not be saved but it wasn't anything anyone said or did or did not say or do it was your son's quest for peace when his mind was so damaged by depression not even his fault either, just a crazy imbalance in his brain. Take it slowly one day at a time you will learn to live again after such loss i am proof of that. Hugs.

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