It's 2 Months today

[Chasisdope]

I can't believe it's been two month since my husband is gone. I think I've passed the shock part but now reality is setting in really bad. I am without him!! I haven't talked or heard from him in sixty days. This is the worst torture. I've been thinking, I know for a fact he can't come back to me, but I can sure as heck go to him. I want him to come and get me. If I didn't have family or anyone depending on me, I'd already go and jump off of a high rise. I want to go out in a dramatic and painful way to mask the pain inside my heart. The only thing holding me back are our kids. If it weren't for them, I'd let go. I don't pray anymore. I've lost faith. I felt like the world was against us being together at least God should see that and bless our union, instead my husband had to be separated from me....in the worst way possible.

[KayC]

Try not to worry about the loss of faith and inability to pray, that is common in the face of grief.  It will return when you are more ready.  It took about a year for me...I think my faith was strong but sorely shaken, if that makes sense, and it felt like God was a million miles away.  I found later that he really was there with me, carrying me, but I was so consumed with my grief I couldn't realize it at the time.  
I think a lot of us can relate to the wanting to check out, thankfully we do have family or pets depending on us.  Suicide seems the most selfish act one can do, yet I realize that those that do it are so broken they aren't aware of anything but their pain, they don't intend to inflict their pain on others.  One thing that I've learned is that if we do end our lives, we don't give it a chance to get better.  While things won't be the same again, it can get a whole lot better than it is at the present time.

This has taken on a whole new meaning for me since losing George:
For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

[KMB]

Chasis---Your words and pain mirror my own. If it wasn't for my pets, their responsibility I have, with the love for them, I have no idea if I would still be here myself. The pets and my husband and I were our own little family and I cannot let them or my husband down.

My faith has been an up and down issue also. It is at this time we need faith even more. In our pain, it isn't easy though. God does hear our prayers and He will answer and guide us when the time is right.You have your kids to live for, but I can understand you wanting to be with your husband. I feel all of us deal with those thoughts daily, I know I do. It is not an option, since I feel we were given this life for a reason. I often wonder how my husband would be coping if I had been the one to go first. He would be grieving just as deeply as I am and he would be trying his best to cope.Which is what I am trying to do.  I don't know the answers but I do understand you and your pain. Hugs to you!

[Chasisdope]

Idk what I'm gonna do with myself. This time thing isn't doing me any good. Seems like the more time passes, the more hurt and empty I am. I heard of a phenomena that if a spouse passes away the surviving spouse might pass soon after from sudden arrhythmic syndrome and I really want that to happen to me. I really miss & love him so much the pain is gotten to a point where Idc about anything else. I also have life insurance in case anything happens to me. The only thing I'm clinging on is our message through text and fb that I can read and reread and share on my social media accounts. It's my only way of coping. I just can't stop crying right now.

[KMB]

I hear you, Chasis----i think the phenomena you mentioned happens with the very elderly. Health conditions escalated by the loss of their partner.

I've had a bad day too. Started with a early morning phone call from a friend of my husband that pushed a trigger button. I'm tired of crying, tired of everything, period.

[KayC]

Chasis,

You're right, time alone does nothing to heal our wounds.  Grief can be exhausting because it takes work, much effort goes into it in order to heal and adjust to these changes.  Grief counseling, support groups, books, videos, reading and posting, memorials, rituals, all of these go into our healing.
 

KMB is right, it's usually people who've spent 60 years together that die close together.  I know, the rest of us envy them that.

[DonnaR3]

Chasis....  my husband passed away in October also. I feel the same way.  The pain seems to be getting worse. We had no kids together to keep me going. It was just him and I.  This is so hard to deal with. My heart aches everyday. 

[KMB]

This is by far the hardest trial of my life. So many times I wonder how I am going to survive this pain, this loss of my other half. My heart.

To top off my own grief, we hear on the news of the passing of Carrie Fisher and her mom, Debbie Reynolds. One day apart. Broken heart syndrome. Rub it in media---my husband's passing didn't make national news and he had many accomplishments in life, he was a celebrity and hero to me.---- How I envy that mother and daughter went to Heaven together. God obviously has a plan for me yet. Someday, I hope and pray He lets me in on it. All I know is that broken heart syndrome isn't in that plan.

[KayC]

KMB,

Funny you should mention my gut reaction...how lucky she was able to go the day after her daughter...why couldn't that have happened for us?

[KMB]

Hi KayC---Well, Debbie Reynolds was 84 and had health issues the previous year I think. And look at George Michael, passed peacefully of a heart attack at 53, if all that is read is true---younger than me. Why hasn't constant stress taken me out yet?

I was reading from the little book of daily bible quotes---joy awaits us in paradise---review the past year and the highlights, both good and bad and know that God was walking beside you---Sometimes, it's really hard to keep your faith.

Got up a little earlier than usual and shoveled more snow. Paid a couple bills and took them out to the mailbox and filled the bird feeders. Routine things I have been doing for years, but my heart is not into anything like it used to be. My heart went with my husband. The cat over filled her stomach and up it came, all over her tree tower and the floor---if my husband were here, he'd be teasing me about how only *my* cat would do that.Sometimes, it's comforting when something minor happens and I remember what my husband's words would be, other times it brings a meltdown.

How is Arlie doing?

 

[KayC]

I'm still trying to get Arlie over this Colitis...once set off it seems hard to get under control.  He's better but not over it yet.

It seems I've known hardship for so long it's hard to look up...I just keep going, it's all I know to do.  My car is making funny noises now, that scares me.  Truck still broke down.  It's snowing, snowing, snowing, so I guess I'll be shoveling most of the day, can't make it to church.  No sign of a plow, they aren't taking care of the roads this year.
 

 

[KMB]

Kayc---Hope Arlie continues to improve. I did some reading on colitis, out of curiosity. He's eating the right diet. Some herbals are effective. Any animal can suffer with it but I found it interesting that it can be an issue with boxers. Due to over breeding I suppose. I once knew people with boxers, they constantly had skin issues.

Sorry the car is making noises. Is that the vehicle your son traded your pickup for while that is being fixed? Sorry about all the snow. I think there is more in the forecast here also. Don't know for sure. I haven't been paying that much attention to the local or national news lately. Just one of those things of daily life that my husband and I did together, watching the news. Sometimes, I just don't care what goes on in the world. It's just enough to try to get through my own day

[KayC]

No, my car is a Honda Civic, I bought it new in 2009.  My son's is a Baja and it's the one that does or doesn't start at whim, not battery related.  I'm hoping my car's noises were to do with the cold and won't exhibit such signs when it warms up, I really don't know what to think, it's three different noises and I've never heard any of them before.  Only happens when driving, not when idling.

I pretty much shoveled snow all day yesterday, a ton of it!  Last night I couldn't sleep for the pain I was in, lower back and sciatic nerve.  I did a little more shoveling today but plan to rest a bunch.

Arlie seemed better today, I hope it continues.  That'd be the best present I could hope for!

I hope you're surviving your weather there.  This is a hard winter so far!