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2 weeks Into the loss of my life


Tommy

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2 weeks ago my beloved wife passed away while we slept. She was 36 and I 37. I still have no idea what took her from me. Heidi my wife was and is everything to me. The reason I breath. I wish I could trade with her so bad. I can't do anything right now so pardon my mumbo jumbo of sentences. We were so happy no all I want to do is die to be with her. It hurts so bad. But I don't mind the pain I hope I hurt forever. I feel if I stop hurting then I'm forgetting. I feel even worse for her she was so full of life had so many plans. Now she can't be here to do any of it. I think that kills me the most besides not being able to save her. I don't want to go on in life without her. I fear life without her now. There is so much more to say but I just don't have the energy

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I am so sorry you're in this hell. It has been 6 weeks since the love of my life and father of my unborn child was hit by a car and killed. It really is a pain that is so unreal it's hard to describe in words.

There is nothing I can say to make you feel better, because the only person you want comfort from is gone. Just don't try and bottle your feelings up... Let them all hit you, even though they hurt like hell.

This forum has been really helpful for me. It helps me feel not so alone in the world. Just try to get through each day, even though it feels like there is no point.

Again, I am so, so sorry.

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1 hour ago, Knhedges said:

I am so sorry you're in this hell. It has been 6 weeks since the love of my life and father of my unborn child was hit by a car and killed. It really is a pain that is so unreal it's hard to describe in words.

There is nothing I can say to make you feel better, because the only person you want comfort from is gone. Just don't try and bottle your feelings up... Let them all hit you, even though they hurt like hell.

This forum has been really helpful for me. It helps me feel not so alone in the world. Just try to get through each day, even though it feels like there is no point.

Again, I am so, so sorry.

knhedges,

thank you for your support and I also am sorry for your loss. although sorry doesn't bring our loved ones back its just a reflex. I do not keep my feelings bottled up. I melt down daily multiple times a day. None of this seems real. I keep thinking she will be coming home soon.  it kills me not knowing what happened if I could of saved her. they say ill have to wait a couple months for results,,so then what it starts all over...the guilt now is overwhelming what if what happened I could've prevented if I knew...

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Yes.. I know of the guilt very well.  Unfortunately it seems to always go along with the grief :(. A five minute drive to go pick my love up and he would have never crossed that street to begin with. All the many things I could have done differently to change what happened. But it's done now..

It is terrible that you have to wait to find out what happened.  So many unanswered questions... Those are the worst... Seems like I get caught in a loop where all I can do is wonder why? How could this really be my life? 

I close my eyes and imagine going to our apartment and having him open the door before I even put my key in the door. I can see him holding back the dog as I walk in and then coming over to me to hug me and say he missed me. Then I open my eyes and I'm back in this cold, lonely, dark world I have been thrown into.

There is nothing you could have done. I know that doesn't help, but please try your best not to blame yourself. I know it's a lot easier said than done.  Trust me.  But try.  The first 3 weeks all I did was hate myself so, so much and blame myself for what happened. But I didn't know that by not going to get him this would be the outcome. I had no idea or else I obviously wouldn't have let it happen. 

There was NO way you could have seen this coming. 

I pray for us to find some peace. They say it takes time... Time seems like my enemy these days..

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I also lost my husband of 12 years unexpectedly 3.5 months ago. I'm  your age, and imagining the rest of my life without him is unbearable. You are two weeks in and feeling the worst of it. I also felt like if I stop hurting, if I stop for a moment thinking of him, I'm forgetting. The first two months were absolute hell. The pain was constant and unrelenting, and everything was sort of a blur. It didn't seem real, and I wished for death all the time. I have two boys, so I have to go on for them. All I can tell you is that in some ways it will get easier sooner than you think. It may not seem like it now, but the grief will become more manageable than in the very beginning, and you will get moments of respite between the waves of grief that will surely continue to hit you for some time. Talk about your wife and talk to people who understand what you are going through. There are many nice folks here that are very helpful. One thing I realized very quickly is that people really have no idea what this is like unless they've gone through it. 

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Tommy 

I am so sorry that you had to go through all this. Even though sorry doesn't help. 

I lost the love of my life, my best friend, my soulmate this November. We had known each other for almost 14 years. He was just 24, I m 22. I never imagined that we will lose each other so early. I mean we had planned our whole life together, to get married, have kids, grow old together.. And when I begin to think my whole life without him now, I begin to have panic attacks. Now, as everyone have advised me here, to take one day, one moment at a time..instead of thinking about whole life. . I would advise you the same. 

Keep coming here and talking your heart out. I know it doesn't lessen the pain. But it is comforting to know that someone understands what we are going through. 

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Tommy,

I am so sorry your beautiful wife died so young.  Don't worry, you will never forget her, it is not the pain that holds them to us, it is the love.  It's been 11 1/2 years for me and he is on my mind constantly and always in my heart.  Love and thus grief never ends, but we do learn to adjust and cope somehow, it's a long hard road, but if I can do it, anyone can.  It's exhausting at times, painful at others, I talk to him, I miss him, each and every day.

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She's 36, that's my age. Ugh. She was still so young. I am truly sorry you have to go through this. I know this doesn't stop the pain but you're not alone. We are all here for you. I first came to the site not to long ago over the death of my husband to leukemia. He was only 22 leaving behind our 3 year old little girl. There is no words that can describe the hurt you are going through. You feel it mentally and physically. It's been two months out for me and it's still there just not as bad as it was in the beginning. There will never be any forgetting. There will only be more love and more missing as time passes. I thought I might forget him but no....it only grew stronger and I don't hate that. I just hate that he's not here. 

All I could do was pick up signs from the afterlife and he has given me a few that I'm thankful for. It helps me cope.

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I am now a month in. Still feels like it was yesterday. I think I'm I. Worse shape than I was a couple weeks ago. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. I think about her and that morning 24/7. I think about the days hours and minutes leading to that morning. I keep trying to figure out what I missed or what I should've done differently. My mind just won't rest. I still havnt got a cause of death either so all I do is speculate. I still feel like she's still here or I can bring her back even though I know i cant. I miss her more and more everday. I don't see a future only darkness. I wish I was with her but I can't be because I have 2 boys to take care of. But I just don't think I can handle this

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Tommy, You are still here, with your boys. That says a lot. It is impossible to shut the mind down from the *what ifs*. We were dealt a terrible blow and the mind just naturally goes there. We blame ourselves, because we felt so much love and responsibility. Things happen and we have no control. I don't speculate about the future, we don't know what is there. We can only do one day at a time. Take care of yourself and your boys. Have you considered family grief counseling? How are your boys coping?

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3 minutes ago, KMB said:

Tommy, You are still here, with your boys. That says a lot. It is impossible to shut the mind down from the *what ifs*. We were dealt a terrible blow and the mind just naturally goes there. We blame ourselves, because we felt so much love and responsibility. Things happen and we have no control. I don't speculate about the future, we don't know what is there. We can only do one day at a time. Take care of yourself and your boys. Have you considered family grief counseling? How are your boys coping?

The boys seem to be taking better than me or they see that I'm a wreck and trying to support me. They are some strong boys where I am weak right now. I have seen a counselor. No help at all. They listen then just say exactly what I think there gonna say. There is now words anyone can speak to fix this. 

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You are right.  It cannot be fixed.  It sucks, to put it mildly.  I am 4 1/2 months in.  I am 38, (was 37) and he was only 41.  He would be 42 now.  It is awful and horrible and you can only breath and eat and sleep and try to do what is needed.

You might be able to get something from the doctor for sleep.  I remember when I couldn't sleep and I know many still can't, but it is an escape for me.  A time I can forget he is gone and just forget everything.  It wasn't that way at first.  Sometimes it still isn't.  

I am so sorry for your loss.  

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22 hours ago, Tommy said:

But I just don't think I can handle this

You don't think you can, but you will, one day at a time, one moment at a time.  You do it for your boys, it would kill them for you to check out physically or mentally either one.  They need you, even when grown they'll need you.  

It's hard.  We have to get help with this, see our doctor, see a grief specialist/counselor, later on even maybe a grief support group, although it's not for everyone and not every group is a good fit.  Read books on grief, watch videos on it, do your homework.  I even did art therapy.  Everything helps, it helps you process your grief and learn to adjust to your new life and I know you hate it, but somehow build a life more tolerable than this and even be able to smile or spot something good once in a while.  Take care of yourself, eat healthy, avoid alcohol (depressants + grief do not go together!), plenty of water, regular exercise.  De-stress, having pets are good, but don't forget to spend time with them.  Even rubbing a dog's belly is de-stressing.  

And if I had it to do over again, I would get something to help myself sleep.  I'd figured this was a permanent problem so why get a temporary solution, but what I couldn't have known back then is that our grief journey evolves and it doesn't always stay in the intensity it started with so yes it's permanent, but some of it changes.  We need all the help we can get!
 

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Tommy---KayC has some great words of advice and comfort. A specialist for grief is your best bet. a regular counselor or therapist will eventually tell you that you are just grieving and will not give you the attention or tools that you really need. You might want to try another one or two until you find one that works well with you.

Your boys still need their father. Being all together for each other will see you continue on. This journey is hard, we know. But somehow, we stumble and fall, get back up and keep getting through each day. We are given no choice. Keep posting here---we are all here for each other.

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Now 6 weeks in. I finally got the cause of death and makes me feel even worse. She mixed the wrong medication and accidentally overdosed in her sleep. It makes me ill and feel more guilty now knowing I may have been able to save her. The guilt is eating me alive. I miss her so much. Seems to be getting worse and counseling isn't doing anything. I dont see how I can ever be happy again.how can I be happy when she is the one that made me happy. All I do is wait for days to be over because that's one less day that I can be with her. I absolutely hate my life now. It's seems meaningless. She was my life. 

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It is natural to beat yourself up.  It really is, even though we most likely couldn't have changed the outcome.  

I kept thinking, I should have noticed he wasn't feeling well that week.  I just thought he was tired, but I should have known.  And I should have been there that morning and held him.  Why did he have to be alone.  

But the truth is, I didn't know and I wasn't there.  

You didn't know.  And you were both adults so I don't think you put her meds together for her.  It just happened.  Crap just happens.  Our entire lives change from such small things.

I am sorry this didn't bring you closure, not sure we get a lot of that.  But try not to focus on what ifs.  They don't help.

 

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I'm sorry, Tommy.  You didn't do this, it was an accident.  The truth is we couldn't protect them from everything and we aren't responsible for losing them.  It's normal for us to feel like it though, but that's something we have to work through though.

Counseling isn't a quick fix, it takes toughing it out and working at your grief.  It'll be the hardest thing you've ever done.  If you truly feel you're getting nowhere with your counselor and you've given it three sessions, then try another one.  Bring up to your counselor that you don't feel it's helping and tell him/her what you'd hoped to get out of it.

 

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Tommie

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Your wife was such a beautiful lady and so very young; I know how devastating you must feel to know an accident took her from this world.  I read somewhere that "When grief overwhelms you look into your heart and you shall see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight".  What a true statement that is.  

Our heavenly Father makes no mistakes.   We are spiritual beings living an earthly experience.  We were only meant to stay  on this earth for a short period of time and then return to heaven.   She went back home - home where there is no pain, no hurt, and no suffering.   Believe me the angels are rejoicing her return. Her responsibility now is to be that angel for the ones left behind mourning her and that's what she is - your angel - the children's angel.   She's there watching over all of you.   You can't see her, but she's there - believe it!   

Be grateful to God for putting her into your life for whatever time you had.  Know that the time and love the two of you shared on this earth will always be - nothing and no can take that away.   I pray God gives you the strength, love and inner peace to get through this difficult time;  all you need do is open your heart - he'll do the rest.   God Bless you and the children.

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Tommy,  

I am a little over 2 weeks in since my boyfriend and the father of my 6 month old baby passed away. I completely understand the guilt you are feeling. I'm constantly thinking about all the times he told me had a headache and didn't go to the doctor. He was diagnosed with a brain cyst after going into cardiac arrest on Dec 30th. I should've pushed him harder about getting help. I think about when he was getting transported to a hospital with a neurologist and I asked the nurse if he was stable enough to be transported that far. She said, "yes." I hate her! He went into cardiac arrest in the ambulance and I watched him take his last breathe. He was 25. So many things I wished I would've done differently. But I know that God took him home because his purpose on this earth was serviced. It's driving me nuts but I have to believe that. I am so sorry you have to go through this. No one derserves this type of hurt. Hang in there. Praying for comfort for you and your family. God Bless.

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So sorry, Tommy. I know the accidental over dosing is incomprehensible to process. It was clearly an accident that neither your wife nor you could have foreseen. You were living in the moment at that time and just didn't know. Blaming and beating yourself up is a natural reaction. Please, forgive yourself. Your wife is in Heaven and she does not blame you in any way. She loves you and is thankful to you for the time you two shared here on earth.

Please try to hang in there with the counseling. If one doesn't seem to fit with your needs, find another if possible. I know life doesn't seem worth it without your wife, but we are given no choice in putting in the hard work to coexist with the pain and loss.

I pray to God everyday for help to get me through another day and night. I tell Him I'm tired, both emotionally and physically. I tell Him how much I miss my husband and want to be with him. I am still here, so God is telling me my time has not come yet, I still have a purpose here and maybe in time, I'll figure out that purpose.

Tommy, just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know it is hard. This journey of grieving will be the hardest journey of your life. When you are reunited with your wife in Heaven, she'll be proud of you and just know now, she is sending you much love.

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Oh my God, I feel so bad for you. I suddenly lost my husband two months ago tonight. I know how I felt at two weeks and I was not functional. For a month, I stayed in bed. I seldom ate. I don't recall much at all. It was like a drug-induced haze but there were no drugs involved at all. I don't know how you are hanging on with two boys to care for. All I can say is keep eating when you can and rest as much as you can. Lean on others as much as you can. Your mental and emotional exhaustion will wreck your body. As for the grief, there is nothing we can do but go through it and let it wash over us. I wish I had some words of comfort. I too feel so empty inside. 

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JC_TX---I just mentioned you in another post I saw you on. I'm so sorry about it being 2 months for you tonight. Which is the same reason why I am on here tonight, 5 1/2 months. I have come to hate Friday night, Saturday and Sunday. I wish there was some way to escape from reality for these 3 days. I know what you mean about feeling empty inside. I just have no motivation, everything feels pointless. I take care of our pets and the basic necessities of functioning with the demands of existing. I don't care about anything else. I haven't been able to bring myself to cook either. I cooked for my husband and I can't get beyond that. Looking at the pots/pans, the dishes he used, has me shaking. How can I touch that stuff when he is no longer here? I do have to eat because the body demands it. So, for me, it has been deli take out and frozen microwaveables that are tasteless, but I don't care. I hate having to adjust to living alone and night time is the worst. Part of the grieving process is for ourselves and what we feel cheated out of. Common sense tells me it will be a matter of changing my inner dialogue and my attitude in order to help myself in this new journey that was forced upon me.

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KMB, ((((((hugs)))))) if okay with you. It's so tedious counting down those days and months, isn't it? I so relate to the sense that life is forced on you - it's like being condemned to life or something. Your inner talk and dialogue will change as you are ready. I know that nothing feels okay right now, but where you are at is very okay. I'm sitting with you tonight, lovely lady. I'm betting your man is too, but I know you would do anything for it to be in the physical sense xo

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And Tommy, I am so, so sorry for your loss, mate. I can only let you know that I get the dread of forgetting our loved ones -  for the first time in 3 months, I watched a comedy this week and actually laughed at it. Then the old anxiety that to laugh is to forget my Ken went to town on me, but that's not actually what happened. It's such a paradox, isn't it, that we fear forgetting our loves even as we acknowledge the impossibility of doing so. Regardless of what direction this takes you in, you will not forget her - depend on it, Tommy.

Take care,

Louise

 

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