I lost my beautiful cat

[jules53]

I have never been on one of these forums before but after reading the posts of others it comforts me to know I am not alone in being totally devastated at the loss of Ebony, my beautiful black cat. She was diagnosed with cancer 8 weeks ago at the age of 16.  I made the decision from the start that I did not want her to suffer the trauma of any invasive treatments or operations but to give her the best, most comfortable life possible for the time she had left.

I took her originally because she was off her food and had lost weight, with the help of some medication her appetite improved for a while but recently she stopped eating as much, she no longer groomed or showed any interest in her favourite treats, dreamies, which she had every night without fail as she never let me forget!! I took the week off work at christmas hoping for one last christmas together but last week i knew if I did nothing then she would be suffering and I made the hardest decision ever.  My vet came to the house as I wanted her to die in her own bed in front of the fire (her favourite place apart from my knee).  It was awful as she had her eyes open at the end, which the vet reassured me was normal.

Since then I cannot stop crying, i cant bear to clear away her beds, bowls and toys. Everytime I go to sleep or wake up and shes not there I just want to wail, everytime I walk into the frontroom and shes not in her bed in front of the fire I feel like I cant breathe. I miss her so much and I'm terrified I made the wrong decision.  I know people who recently have lost loved ones and I feel guilty for being so upset by the loss of a cat and I need to hide these feelings but she was my best friend in the world and had been through the worst times of my life with me and I can't believe shes gone.

 

[KMB]

So sorry for the loss of your Ebony. From her pic, she is beautiful, Do not feel guilty and hide your feelings. Loss of a loved one, be it human or animal, is still a loss. We miss their physical presence and the comfort of companionship, personality, everything! You did not do the wrong thing by helping Ebony over the Rainbow Bridge. You did the right thing out of love. For 16 years, Ebony was your best friend, going through everything with you in life. That's a long, remarkable friendship! You repaid that friendship and her unconditional love by deciding on no invasive treatments, surgeries, which would have caused her being miserable. You made the right choice out of love. It took courage and love on your part to release her to her eternal life in Heaven. I'm sorry that you are in pain and grieving her loss. Carry her love and memories in your heart as she would want you to do.

Your Ebony is a resemblance to my black cat, Mugs. She was with me as my buddy and she was a *talker*. She went through the traumatic, abusive years that I had with my first husband. She went through the divorce with me. She was with me when I entered into a beautiful, loving relationship I had with my second husband ( he passed in August of this year). She was in my life for 14 years and was a constant companion. I lost her in 1995. Her life was ended in the front yard, defending her turf from a stray tom cat. I was inconsolable for a long time, beating myself up even more emotionally because I felt it was my fault, that I shouldn't have been letting her outside anymore due to her getting on in years. She loved the outdoors and I couldn't deprive her of what comes natural to cats. We were living in town at that time and my husband brought her to his family property, where I now live, and he buried her in the island of red pine trees next to the house.She did come to *visit* me afterwards, to assure me she was still here spiritually. She liked to sleep on the hot water heater and I would hear her jumping off onto the floor and after her passing, I would still hear that thumping sound for awhile. She also liked to sleep next to my face. For awhile, at night when I was trying to sleep, I would actually feel footsteps walking up the mattress and *feel* her fur on my face. her way, spiritually, letting me know she is ok.

I'm sure your Ebony will visit you also. Listen and feel with your heart.

[Missing Jack]

Dear Jules,

I know exactly what you are feeling I think.

Our Jack came to his end in his bed, in front of the fireplace.

Funny thing is Jack never had his own bed until the last few years of his life.

Jack being somewhat spoiled from a pup and somewhat incorrigible, when it came to people beds and furniture, had free reign, and boy did he ever use it. He loved his comfort. As he got older it became more difficult for him to "jump" so that was why the doggie bed.

On the day the vet came I had him outside, and we were sitting in a field in the sun. Jack was extremely relaxed and soaking up the rays, nestled in my lap. We were waiting for the vet, who was scheduled t be there at 9:00 AM. When she pulled in, I slowly got up with Jack, he was able to ambulate, and with some coaxing I got him to follow me, albeit slowly, to meet the vet. I walked him inside and helped him lay down in his bed. He was calm, and peaceful. He had no issue with this strange lady that came to see him.

Yes, I held Jack till the end, actually my hand was clasped gently over his eyes the entire time. Not for any reason, just it was something I got used to doing with him as he became more restless in his later days and especially towards the end. It seemed to give him comfort. He was fully asleep when the final injection was given to him. His breathing became immediately rapid, and I remarked to the vet how strong he was, she agreed. It was only a matter of seconds, and it was over.

She (the vet) checked and there was not a heartbeat. I told her I knew he was gone, but I could still feel movement in his throat, almost like a swallowing reflex, She told me (and I knew) that this was a "normal" response, not unusual at all, to get movement due to brain stem activity, after they are gone. It was, to say the least, extremely painful. That moment still has haunted me.

I know that Jack felt no pain, and that my pain, was just beginning. It did and has since, affected me more than I was prepared for.

Yes, the feeling of "betrayal" of my best buddy, whom I raised as a pup, who became my "shadow", my companion, in all things. I understand. I have gone back into that moment many times in my mind. I wish that it was a decision that I did not have to make, but there it is ...

There is not a place in the house that we are not reminded of him. My adult son just this morning, looked down to where his dishes were and said, "Hi Jack." So he is on everyone's mind. Like you, we were hoping to get through the holidays. His end came the day before Thanksgiving.

Please know, (and I know you know), that you made the best decision you could possibly make on Ebony's behalf. You showed her the greatest love, and devotion and sacrifice, so that Ebony's suffering could be ended in a way that she herself could not do. It is a kindness done and it is extremely painful. 

Know that you are not alone.

God Bless You, Be well

Michael

A post script of sorts regarding ,

"I know people who recently have lost loved ones and I feel guilty for being so upset by the loss of a cat and I need to hide these feelings but she was my best friend in the world and had been through the worst times of my life with me and I can't believe shes gone."

I have been reading here of peoples terrible losses, and I know what you are saying. We have recently lost a dear friend to the ravages of cancer, a five year battle. Our friends surviving wife came by the other day, and asked how everyone was doing regarding Jack. Her and I both had tears in our eyes. She understood completely. My comment to her was loss is loss, to which she replied, "that's right."

The fact is, emotional pain and suffering is unique to all of us. I know the best way for myself to heal is to do what I am doing. Recalling Jack, and attempting to help others in some small way with their own suffering. After all, we are all fellow travelers, and one day, we will all meet our own destiny with fate and the infinite sphere of the ages.

I hope this helps

[jules53]

Thank you so much for your comments.

I've been looking at pictures and videos of her and can only see now how thin she had become. I promised her the day I got her I would give her the best life I could and would always love her and I know I did that. She had a good long life and nobody could have given her more love than I did. After I lost my first cat I swore I would never have another one but then ebony came along and she gave me so much love I never regretted it for a second. It will take time but her legacy will be that I will have another cat and will give that one as much love as I gave ebony.

[KMB]

Every time I've lost a pet, I felt the same way. Can't do this again and suffer another loss. But we do it again anyway----we thrive on the fact that animals need us and we need their companionship.So many animals out there needing homes and someone to love and care for them.

[KayC]

Jules,

I'm so sorry you are suffering so from the loss of your Ebony.  Making that decision can be one of the hardest decisions of our lives, yet we do it because we love and care about them and do not want them to suffer needlessly.  It's the hardest decision a parent can make for their furry kid.  You made the caring decision, the selfless one.  I hope this brings you some comfort:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcQvYh_3Atw