Members Jeff In Denver Posted December 18, 2016 Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2016 I lost my girlfriend Milagros (Mila), on June 14th of this year to breast cancer. She had stage one 5 years ago, and it came back when we arrived home from a trip to her native Peru in June of 2014. I did everything I could for her - research, constant communication with her doctors and others, supplements, nutritionists, naturopaths, and I even hired a medical MMJ consultant to administer oil. Some of her family members came up from Peru for months to help out last winter with her kidney disease, and this past winter for the cancer. Nothing worked. She threw me huge (surprise at first) birthday parties every November, and I did them for her in late January. She didn't have much energy for hers this year, and after that I really saw the love of my life continue to go downhill. I will spare you the details, but it was terrible. Hospice workers and her many friends were always at the house. She then ended the MMJ and asked to go to the hospice. I was a mess as I watched as she was taken by ambulance and followed her there. I barely recognized her at the hospice. Alone with her, I touched her forehead as I tearfully told her, as I had done on many previous nights, how much I loved her, how sorry I was about things that I had done, and how I loved her more than anyone. She nodded her head. She had heard me. She was gone a few days later. I went to the church for the service (that she hadn't wanted), helped carry the casket, and watched alone as it went down the empty street for the last time. During our relationship, I was very immature and did some bad things, and really hurt her. I took her for granted. We got back together 3 years ago and it was MUCH better - except for the cancer. But I have a way of taking people for granted, and not always appreciating the miracle that she was. She was always putting me first, couldn't do enough for me, and I was the love of her life, too. But even toward the end I was sometimes impatient and frustrated with her. I later learned that that was probably caused by fear which was driven by love. I needed to be punished, but not like this. More importantly, she didn't deserve this. In an argument once, she said that I gave her the disease, which she later apologized for. That haunts me. On the plus side, we talked or e-mailed each other 20 times per day. Silly inside jokes... Mila was the most caring and most incredible person I have ever met. She was smart, had a great sense of humor, and people just loved her. They loved her Spanish accent, her feisty-but-kind nature, and the fact that she put everyone ahead of herself - even when she shouldn't have. She had one son, and it was her biggest dream to see him graduate from Colorado State University. Six of her relatives came in from Peru on Wednesday of this week for the graduation. I am doing what I can to help. I picked up three of them at the airport on Wednesday night, took the group out to eat twice, bought food, etc. This morning we took two cars to drive from Denver to Fort Collins on snow-covered roads in minus 5 degree temps. I will be sad to take them to the airport tomorrow. They feel like family. I did a fair amount of work to make this happen, and liked doing it. I did it for her, for me, and for her family. I hope she knows how we all pulled together. We all benefited. Her aunt brought me a ring from her mother in Peru that I had given to Mila a few Christmases ago. How sad it was to see without it being on her. I sleep most nights with one of her gloves. I think about her all day, every day. Mila REALLY, REALLY wanted to be there for the graduation. I hope that she was. Her son meant a lot to her, and it was rough being there and not having her physically present. I found myself having to stay off to the side so that people didn't see the tears rolling down my cheeks. We all went to the Fort Collins Olive Garden afterward (which they love - she did, too). I walked to the table where we all sat last year. There was no one there, which was just as well. Earlier I saw her son was driving her car. I pictured her driving it. Really sad... They go home tomorrow and I got back to my life without her. I see a psychologist twice per month. I talk to Mila all the time, and I am almost desperate to connect with her via a medium. I am broken most of the time and miss her desperately. This site has been a terrific resource, and I want to say thanks to all of you for your support. I feel bad that you have been forced into this new life that isn't of your choosing. I know that there is no way to really compare feelings, but I think it's safe to say that others feel the same kind of pain that you're feeling. Of course that doesn't help you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sadaf Nazim Posted December 18, 2016 Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2016 I am so sorry that you have to go through all this Jeff. I am sure your Mila would understand you and forgive you for everything that you think you did wrong. You were with her during the last time of her life, this in itself shows how much you love and care for her. She would understand it too. I really admire the things you did for her family.If she would be watching, which I know she is, she would really be very proud of you. I know what kind of guilt you are talking about. I did some hurtful stuff to my dear Nazim too. But that was during the part of my growing up. I was learning to love, to understand. We were pretty much of the same age but he was a lot more mature than me. He loved me so much. Yet, I have hurt him a lot, though unknowingly. But from past 2 year I tried to fix every possible thing that I can. I hope they realise how much we love them. I just hope they understand us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted December 18, 2016 Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2016 Jeff, I'm so sorry that you've reached one of the awful first-year milestones. The six-month mark is truly one of the worst, and there is nothing we can really do but grit our teeth through the pain and pray to sleep through the whole thing. I am glad to hear that you are seeing someone, that you are actively doing something to take care of yourself. Mila would want that more than anything. I think it's important that we don't hold on to words or things done in anger. When you are in that frame of mind, you do and say things to inflict maximum damage. These things don't show the resolutions made or the love you two held for each other. It's so easy to hold on to all of things you said or did wrong, but in doing that you have less room for all of the beautiful things that happened. I am sure that Mila appreciates everything you did for her family, in making sure they could see her son graduate. It's rare to see someone hold on to their in-laws (especially if you weren't married), and I think it speaks volumes about your love for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 18, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted December 18, 2016 Jeff, I truly believe Mila WAS present at her son's graduation and so proud of him for it! I wish so much she could physically be there for you...and for him. That had to be very hard to go through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted December 18, 2016 Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2016 Jeff---Thank you for sharing. It took a lot of courage and love to set up everything and everyone for Mila's son's graduation, You opened your heart and your home which speaks of your love for Mila. I do not have a doubt that Mila was there in spirit sending out waves of pride and love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff In Denver Posted December 19, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted December 19, 2016 KMB, KayC, claribassist13, Sadaf Nazim, THANK YOU. You have no idea how much your kind words help. I wanted to mention, also, that I used to take trips back east to visit my mother in Florida or my father north of Philadelphia. Without her. (We did visit him twice in the last two years and had a great time). I also went to Chicago and San Francisco to meet one of my sisters and my father as we visited those cities, again, by myself. EVERY time I checked my email right after a flight, I would receive flight-tracking screenshots from from her: "You are now over Lawrence, KS!" "You are over Columbus, OH!" "You just landed!!!" She tracked my whole flight. Who does that??? When I think about things like that, it reminds me of how much I have lost. Do you have similar stories? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sadaf Nazim Posted December 19, 2016 Members Report Share Posted December 19, 2016 Wow Jeff.. Your Mila was such a lovable and sweet girl! Even I have never done anything like that for my Nazim. You are a lucky man! Truly. I don't have anything similar to that. But I do want to share a very special moment of my life with you guys. I know the whole time spent with your loved ones.. All of them are special. But there are moments which are like "Once in a blue moon " moments. My favourite moment with my sweetheart was on the day of 18th August 2015. He came to see me after a really long and tiring journey. He bought a red nail colour from a near by store and insisting me he sat on my bed to apply it on my toe nails. Very carefully, slowly, like he was doing a science project.. But God! He had no idea how to apply nail colour on a girls nail. He spilled the color over the bedsheet, on all the fingers of his hand, on his chin and nose.. Not to mention the mess that he had done on my toe nails! I sat there silently.. Just staring at him while he was doing all this. I wanted to laugh so hard.. I wanted to cuddle him forever. But I didn't. I just stared. For that sight was worth more than million hugs and kisses for me..I can't describe how cute and innocent he looked. My God! He was my angel! I want to listen to all of yours favourite moment. Spent with your love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mrs. Plummer Posted December 19, 2016 Members Report Share Posted December 19, 2016 Jeff, Ken and I said many things we didn't mean to each other. It's human, though I can certainly appreciate how horrible the guilt feels. I think one of the worst things about grief is how it serves up one thing after another that you now have to live without. In my experience, even the good memories aren't initially very comforting - they seem more to be powerfully cruel reminders of what we no longer have. This sounds like a really painful anniversary period for you, and I'm glad you have this forum to come to. I hope it's helpful to you. Louise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 19, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted December 19, 2016 Jeff, Oh yes, that's how it was with us too. My husband tried to drive across the country to visit his grandmother in Florida. He had high anxiety and was Diabetic. I packed food for him and made an itinerary so he would get enough sleep and see some sights along the way. He must have thrown it out the window driving away! I got calls from him, he did not sound good at all. I was extremely worried about him. I realize now that he'd pushed himself, hadn't eaten properly and his Diabetes was way out of control, it was having psychological impact on him. He called me one night and said there were cops after him. I told him, "Frankly, you aren't that important, George!" I meant it as humor to lighten his intensity, but he said, "Well you tell that to all them, there's tons of them behind me!" He was freaking out. (Later on I found out it was when Elizabeth Smart had been kidnapped, she was found and her kidnapper sent to prison. There really WERE tons of cops behind him, he'd stumbled into a huge manhunt!) I told him to turn around and come back home. I remember feeling relief when he crossed the Oregon border, I knew where he was and could come get him if need be. My son later said he wished he'd gone with him to make sure he ate right and spell him driving. He was fine within a day or two and I booked a flight for him to go see his grandmother. No more driving across America alone! But our hearts were always with each other no matter what the other was going through. And we couldn't wait to be back in each other's arms again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff In Denver Posted December 20, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted December 20, 2016 Sadaf, what a cool story. I think Nazim was a lucky guy. Louise, this is a very accurate quote: " ...even the good memories aren't initially very comforting - they seem more to be powerfully cruel reminders of what we no longer have." KayC, that had to be scary... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 21, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted December 21, 2016 Yeah, he had paranoia too, which didn't seem to affect him at home, work or church, but more when he was out in the world in a less controlled environment. He was a sweetheart, it seems unfair he should have to deal with the paranoia and anxiety, but he handled it well, he always ran things by me or a friend to get their perspective so he could know if his was reality-based, which I thought was wise. Off track, but I'd forgotten that memory! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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