Not strong enough to handle this

[Sadaf Nazim]

The stories of his death... That's what remains with me now.

I and my love have common family, friends and acquaintances. Everyone that I meet or have any sort of interaction with starts talking about how he died. It's not that I don't want to listen. I really want to listen. I really want him to be mentioned. Any place any time. Sometimes I hide behind the walls and listen to these stories. But it makes me so sad. This is what was remaining in my life? This is what I had to deal with?  This is what I will have to deal with the rest of my life?  The stories about how he died, how no one could save him, how he looked into his elder brother's eyes continously for 20 seconds before drowning, how his brother got hold of his hand still could not save him. They were so close. Yet this happened. 

I don't think I am strong enough to handle all this. I try really hard. But it seems that I can't. 

14 years of my life.. A very significant part of my life, from age 8 to 22,  has been stolen from me.. Just like that. In a flash. I can't remember any moment of my childhood or adulthood except that he was a part of it.  He took my everything with him. He didn't just drown alone. My life, my dreams, my strength, my desire to do something, to be something, my desire to be the wife of someone whom I have known all my life, to grow old with him, my desire to live, my everything drowned with him.

Its only the flesh and bones that remains now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sadaf Nazim]

I try to advise others dealing with this. Over here and even everyone around me. But sometimes, I just break down. This is too much of a thing for someone of my age. 

[Chasisdope]

I had the sister in law tell me she had a video of my husband taking his last breath when they pulled the plug on him. I was like are you kidding me. It was during his funeral so this was early on. I just don't get some people. And she even wanted to post it on to her face book. That is so rude. I wonder if she has a legal right to do something like that.

[KayC]

Sadaf,
Perhaps you can tell people you'd rather not be reminded of his death, that you prefer to remember his life, it's too much, they should respect your wishes.  If they start in, get up and leave the room!

Chasis,

That is more than rude.  If you see it on FB, report it as offensive.  You can at least "hide" it from your wall.  Honestly, some people have no couth.  

[Sadaf Nazim]

Chasis 

My friends took video of his funeral too. I don't wish to see it ever. Because it's not a good thing to remember. 

Today was really an off day for me.

[Missing Jack]

Dear Sadaf,

I will pray for your eventual peace, and a wisdom that will surpass all human understanding. I cannot pretend to begin to understand the depth of your pain and anguish. I can offer my humble prayers, good thoughts and these poor mortal words. I do this in the hope they may be well received and God willing, help you in some small way with the suffering you now endure..

Like most fellow travelers here, I have experienced various types of human losses. Some through the ravages of disease, some through tragic "accident." I can only relate to you what has quite often helped to see me through the fog of suffering and loss, when more often that not, I felt as though I would rather join the dead, than continue on with the living. This of course has been at times, a very dark and lonely place. I have learned however, that it need not be so.

At some point in my life I became interested in spiritual matters, that is to say, all things spiritual. I read and studied a treasure trove of contemporary writings, encompassing a diverse set of works, written by a variety of men and women throughout the last 100 years or so. I must say that during that time, I felt more alive then, than anytime before. It was a journey of discovery, wonder and awe, and gave me glimpses of that peace that surpasses all understanding. And yet, despite all this and after experiencing yet another painful loss, my previous lessons became  forgotten words, void of the meaning they once held. I know that again I must seek to undertstand and hopefully reach out to others in my journey, which in truth had never ended, never forgotten, only misplaced.

You are strong enough Sadaf. We are strong enough. In time, hopefully soon, you will tell them, let us talk about his life, what it has meant to you. Draw strength from your ability too allow your loved one to live on into eternity with your joy, your laughter and all that you shared. One day I know too, that I will join the infinite, with the knowledge that I have loved and I have been well loved. And that dear Sadaf never dies, not ever.

May blessings be upon you,

Michael

[Sadaf Nazim]

Thank you for your kind words Michael. 

I too believe that we all will be united with our loved ones in infinity again. 

[KMB]

Chasis and Sadaf---Taking videos of someone's last moments and a funeral I find extremely insensitive. Maybe some parts of a celebration of life where stories are shared I can comprehend in videoing, just to have a memorial of family and friends remembering special times of a  loved one. Maybe it's due to my older generation, but I feel way too many things are recorded that should not be.

Thank you, Michael, (Missing Jack)---Your words are very well thought out, coming from the heart. This journey we are on never ends, nor should it. What matters is how well we loved, how well I've been loved and when it's our turn to cross over, all that love continues with the ones we left here to carry on.

So sorry with the loss of your Jack---I earlier read your post on the other thread. Beautiful eulogy of a life well lived and very much loved. My husband and I were a family unit of 4 with our dog and cat. At the end of each day, I had peace and comfort that we were all together. With my husband in the afterlife now, our pets bring me comfort and a reason to keep continuing. I've had some dark days and thoughts ----- but I will some how continue on with our little family, I owe my husband that love and responsibility.

[Jeff In Denver]

Strength and grief don't belong in the same sentence, in my opinion.  When we're feeling ripped apart from a huge loss, strength is nothing but a temporary barrier. Steeling yourself against severe anguish fixes nothing.

Consider the tree with the stiff branches in a heavy wind.  That tree gets knocked over or the branches break.  The tree that goes with whatever way the wind is blowing is the tree that stands tomorrow.

Sometimes people will tell me to be strong.  I wonder for what, and why.

 

 

 

 

 

[claribassist13]

Sadaf, 

You'll quickly discover that all anyone wants to talk about the first few months is how they died, especially since it was an accident. 
I experienced the same thing after my fiance's accident. All anybody wanted to talk about was theories surrounding what had happened. 

Don't be afraid to speak up for yourself. We all want to hear about our loved ones, but that doesn't mean we want to talk about their deaths 24/7. They were more than what ended them. 

I hope that the situation becomes a bit better for you. 

[KayC]

Michael,

C.S. Lewis is one I've enjoyed reading, not only for his spiritual insight, but his depth of understanding of grief.

[KMB]

17 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Strength and grief don't belong in the same sentence, in my opinion.  When we're feeling ripped apart from a huge loss, strength is nothing but a temporary barrier. Steeling yourself against severe anguish fixes nothing.

Consider the tree with the stiff branches in a heavy wind.  That tree gets knocked over or the branches break.  The tree that goes with whatever way the wind is blowing is the tree that stands tomorrow.

Sometimes people will tell me to be strong.  I wonder for what, and why.

 

 

 

 

 

Just my thoughts---The definition of strength is the "ability to do" or to *endure*. Which is basically what we all are trying to do. We are all on this journey together, but our paths are separate. There is something indefinable in each of us that is causing us to somehow keep getting through each day. Love is the strongest, intangible bond there is. There have been times throughout the day where I have felt waves of tingles, chills, or warmth through my body. I'd like to think that my husband is sending love and comfort to me when he sees I really need it.  I reflect on the past---all the years and long hours that my husband worked, in all kinds of weather, to provide for us. I think about his silent and stoic suffering he went through with his medical conditions. He didn't want to burden me or his children or friends. A shining example of the love he felt for all of us. Every day I long to be with him, I know I will be, one day. Somehow, with his love, I will continue with his legacy of being kind, compassionate and helpful to others.

[Jeff In Denver]

KMB, well put.   I see what you mean.  I was referring to the people who tell me to "be strong."    I know what you mean about the waves of tingles, chills, and warmth.  I hope you continue to feel that.

 

 

[Sadaf Nazim]

Thank you everyone.. I appreciate all your words. Our situation are different but our journey is the same. 

I hope one day all of us could say-We made it! 

My heartiest thanks and best wishes to everyone.   

[KMB]

Jeff---It's exhausting hearing people say to be strong. It's like there's an expectation implied. I just got off the phone with one of my kids---*you've always been a strong person, mom, you'll get through this*. All of us here have been thrown under the bus, so to speak, trying to deal with emotions, loneliness, the empty, dark void, coping any way we can with tragic losses that we can't fully understand. It's all supposed to make sense when it's our turn to leave this life. I can't imagine myself in the afterlife looking down on the kids and seeing their pain and struggles over my loss. But yet, that's why we are here, to experience all the joys and the sorrows.

[KayC]

I personally feel we're exhibiting strength by just not blowing our brains out.  It's tougher than anyone can imagine unless/until they go through it.  And we feel anything BUT strong, but I think by our continuing to exist shows some amount of strength.

[Missing Jack]

Hello Again,

I discovered the linked essay entitled " What is Strength in the Face of Grief". Written by Maria Kubitz, who lost her 4 year old daughter in a drowning accident in 2009. Maria offers insight I believe that may be helpful too others as well. She writes, "I would argue that asking for help in the face of overwhelming pain is one of the strongest things we can do. The act of admitting we are in over our heads and cannot do this alone is sometimes as difficult as losing our loved one. Letting other people in to see our deepest vulnerabilities and fears is not weakness; it is one of the ultimate displays of strength – grieving or not."

Amen.

KayC writes, "I personally feel we're exhibiting strength by just not blowing our brains out."

Yes, summoning the will to keep on, keeping on. As I have mentioned and certainly I am not unique, I too have inhabited some very dark places over the years.

I believe I understand what is meant when other's may say, "be strong" and I also understand why this can come across as condescending, and insensitive at a time when one is at their most vulnerable. Being reared in a home with a dad who was at times, a bit tough, and a mother who was every bit the stoic, midwesterner, "being strong," was in our home, a forgone conclusion. And yet over the years, as losses mounted, I watched all of us soften a bit, as "life" happened. One thing our unusual gang of misfits, and survivors had going for us, was a wicked sense of humor. A very Irish trait I'm afraid, or at least that is what we tell ourselves.

The hardest thing sometimes, is receiving poorly chosen words, from well meaning friends, family, and those who truly want to be supportive and loving. I think too, that we often forget, other's are also grieving for the loss of us, the living, the survivors, the changes in surviving relationships and the dynamic of those relationships that have most definitely "changed." 

I know I have not handled well, a variety of losses, at various  times in my life. More often than not, I have withdrawn from the living, and just as often, other's have paid my price as well. Apologies if sometimes I ramble on  . I hope that my poor words and the above resource may help bring light. I know it helps me to "reach out" to other's, something I have not done in some time.

God Bless Everyone, Be Well

Michael

 

 

[KayC]

Very well put, Michael!  And thank you for sharing that link, good article!

[KMB]

Thank you, Michael, for sharing----we can all relate to your words. it is a most difficult, roller coaster of a journey that we are on. Having the will to keep going day by day since the loss of my husband has been the most devastating trial of my life. If it wasn't for the pets I have, I truly don't know where I would be right now. For my husband and I, they have given us joy and companionship. I have to carry on for them. To keep trying to give them the love and stability they deserve even though there have been plenty of times I've felt like giving up. I feel that there must be some baser instinct built into us for the will to survive.

[Sadaf Nazim]

Thanks Michael. It's a good essay. One line particularly struck me.

'If ever there is a tomorrow when we are not together, there is one thing that I want you to remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think. But the most important thing is.. I'll always be with you '

I miss him like hell. Sometimes I cry a lot, sometimes I am just okay. Like kmb said, everyday is a roller coaster full of resentment and hope, cynicism and optimism.. But the good thing is, even I am not immortal. I am really thankful for that. This pain is temporary, because I am temporary. One day all this will end.. And I will be back with him again.