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Missing Jack

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Greetings,

So this is my guy Jack. Near as we can figure Jack was 4-5 months shy of 15 years of age when he passed on November 23, 2016. This picture of him was taken the day before the vet came to the house. We had known several days beforehand, the date and time that the vet was to come to end further suffering.

Jack was slowly losing his sight and hearing, although not totally. He had trouble in his spine that caused trouble in his rear quarters, Jack was ambulatory although had to be carried up and down the stairs in our home. We were managing pain issues and he had definite signs of "old dog syndrome." We were able to go on walks right up until the day he died albeit very slow walks.

Things were not going in a good direction, nor were they going to. Many nights were spent consoling him. It seemed especially at night was when he became most restless, Sometimes (day or night) I would cradle him in the recliner (he would recline with me) and sometimes that would work. I had a little thing I used to do, almost like a form of "hypnosis" and it was effective in putting him at ease almost immediately, with him going to sleep

Quite often I would get on the floor with him and just let him know I was there with touch. At night I often had to get at the foot of the bed with him as he barked or whimpered but eventually he would go into a deep sleep and all was well again. Jack loved life. He loved the outdoors and was well blessed to have had lots of freedom of movement.

Many nights I would be up in the wee hours. No matter how restless he was, the outdoors was like an instant sedative. So if he wanted to go in and out 4 - 5 times in succession we would do that, alternating between in and out. Each time coming back in nibbling, snacking on dog treats and drinking lots of water and finally back to bed. I would do gentle physical therapy with him. He had very long hind legs. In the bed I would position him, get him comfortable, stretch him out gently and all of these things made a difference for him. He was still powerful in his front legs and chest. He still had a great appetite (Jack always self-regulated his diet) and was drinking plenty of water. Another vet had said there was nothing wrong with his heart or lungs, just that he was gradually loosing sensation in his rear end along with the other things mentioned. At some point I realized I was basically doing hospice care on my best buddy. I was no stranger to that work. In 2009 I helped see my dad off, doing hospice care with him.

So loss being no stranger to me and yet the strength of the grief that I feel over losing my buddy Jack has been quite intense.

IMG_1023 (1).JPG    
Jack on November 22, 2016

 I raised him and trained him from a pup. He was extremely intelligent, athletic and funny as all hell. I'm still not sure which one of us was the Laurel to the other's Hardy!

The vet who came to the house was wonderful. I found her by searching on-line for vets who would perform this service at home. I was pleased to know I wasn't alone in my desire to have Jack go peacefully, in the place that was familiar to him. Suzanne (the vet) and I had only spoken once on the phone several weeks before her visit to end Jack's suffering. The day she came, she sat on the floor and the dog bed with Jack and me. She talked with my son (sitting nearby) and I, all the while gently preparing Jack for his final journey.

Nothing was hurried or rushed. The conversation was easy and thoughtful. Suzanne said at one point "you know, one of the big differences between us and dogs is, dogs have no thoughts of the past, no thoughts of the future, all they know is right now, and how they are feeling right now." I knew of course that she was correct. Jack was very relaxed and very peaceful, eventually going to sleep from the sedative. He accepted Suzanne and her presence easily with, no hint of fear or recriminations. Suzanne also said, “take comfort in the fact that you weren't too late." That made me pause for a brief moment, but then I understood what she meant. In the days since, my inner voice has been asking but were you too early? Of course that's just a little mind trick, a quirk of the human condition, you see?

Unlike Jack, I DO sometimes ponder the past and the future. A wise old friend told me once, many years ago, " Mike, there are two eternities in life. One is called yesterday and the other is call tomorrow, and those two eternities can drive men insane." Jack on the other hand, had no past, no future, not even at this most profound of moments, the ending of his life!

I believe the worst part about grieving and loss is the sense that suddenly we are all alone in it. Even (or rather especially) and sometimes in a room full of people this is true. I know of course that I am not alone as this place and many others prove, and also for the love of loved ones who also grieve their own personal loss, in their own way, just as often with the same feeling of aloneness that we ourselves feel. I swear I don't know how others do it but I have a tendency to bottle the stuff and that ain't particularly helpful (or healthy.)

The worst thing has been not to express or expressing what seems to be inadequately, the moving picture show of Jack in my mind’s eye and all that it encompassed, all that it has meant.  As I point out to family members, I do not grieve for Jack as I KNOW Jack is fine. Jack is not in some hole in the back yard. That was merely Jacks shell, no longer being occupied. I grieve for myself, for all those years and moments that exist now only in memory, like a dream upon awakening.

I held him as he went to sleep that day for the last time, never letting go till the end. I felt the life drain from him, his last earthly movements coursing through me like water and sand through my fingers. Choking back the tears that if allowed, would have been inconsolable, all I could manage, "my buddy, my buddy." More small talk with Suzanne, I notice she wipes a tear from her eye. Even after having performed this ritual God only knows how many times before, she feels this pain.

Jack is resting now and forever. That is a good and noble thing.

Walking Suzanne to her car, carrying her supplies and after waiting her departure, number one son and I went out into the shed to "decompress" while Jack lay on his bed at peace in the living room giving final testament to his short reign here on earth. We returned inside, and gently cleaning him up, and bundling him warmly in his favorite "shed blanket." Picking him up we gently brought him outside placing him into the ground which had been started the day before and finished by my son that morning. We buried him deep in a lovely place, It was a personal favorite of good ole Jack, underneath the trumpet vine so that in the summer when in full bloom, the humming birds will stop by to say hello to him and to us.

Thank you to those who may have made it this far. This is kind of my personal message in a bottle :)

Lastly, I would like to share something that has always given me the greatest hope and inspiration during times of loss, I think applicable to all well loved sentient beings that pass from us.

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die.

Mary Elizabeth Frye,

(Written in 1932 this is her only known writing)

 

Michael (missing jack)

 

 

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I have that poem on my wall, my sister gave it to me when myhusband died 11 1/2 years ago.  It's very comforting.
I am so sorry you lost your Jack.  My Lucky was 14 1/2 when I had to have her put to sleep.  It's hard to make that determination for them because we know they could live another day but we've seen their quality of life go downhill and the struggle deepen.  It was time.
Like you, I miss my best friend.  A few months later I got another dog...I can't believe eight years have passed.  It seems like yesterday.  I know I'll be making that same decision for him someday and it weighs on my mind.  I try to live each day in the present and enjoy each moment with him, and oh I have!  
Our furry companions are the closest ones to us, they give so much and require so little in return.  Where else can you get such utter devotion, they're ready to go the moment you call, understanding when you're going through something rough, always faithful, so easy to please!
My heart goes out to you as you're missing your best friend.

I don't know if you've heard of it or not, but I got a memorial stone for Lucky and for my cats, and yes even one to place where my husband's ashes are laid to rest in our back yard.  It's where I want laid someday...my kids call it "the family plot".  I suppose there's lots of places to buy one, but I got mine at Personal Creations.  First time purchasers can usually get a promo code defraying the cost of the shipping, I think the stones are only about $25, it might be a consideration to mark the place where you laid your Jack.

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So sorry with the loss of Jack---pets are family. We love and care for them just like we would our children. The loss of them from our lives is devastating. They leave us with unconditional love and many memories. I have suffered loss of many pets over the years and I still think of each and every one and what they brought to my life and the lessons taught by them. Due to the passing of my husband a few months ago, our current pets are giving me the comfort and support I need. The pets are taking this loss a lot better than I am. I believe they can hear and see my husband is around. Animals are spiritual beings, they have the ability of being close with the afterlife. They truly live in the moment, never thinking about  or having regrets about yesterday or worrying about tomorrow.

I hope you find peace in the knowing that Jack will always be walking by your side through your life.

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Dear KayC and KMB,

Thank you both for your kindness, and taking time to reply. I have been spending a good bit of time reading the stories of others struggling with painful loss, and it is amazing what you folks and others do, the place that is provided for people. It is good to be heard. I am humbled by all of the story's I have read so far. Unimaginable grief and emotional pain for so many, at this very difficult time of year.

As for my own part, simply the act of writing about Jack, and posting a few pictures, has made a tremendous difference for me. I had been feeling somewhat "silly" in how hard I had been taking the loss of him. I believe it was KMB who in another post mentioned my "tribute" to Jack, This is exactly what I had intended. A tribute. I too have had a few pets over the years, and like children, they are all special in their own way, and are always missed when they are gone.

I told the vet during our initial phone conversation that I was hoping Jack just went quietly in his sleep one night at the foot of the bed. Her answer was that everyone hopes that, but the reality is, that rarely happens. This was the hardest thing. Making the decision to end Jacks life, especially when it seemed he still had so much life left in him. We had a few instances where we knew he was having a good bit of pain. As I mentioned, it wasn't going to get better. The suffering was going to steadily increase. In human terms, I guess this was the closest thing to "pulling the plug." It sucks, really really bad. Jack brought out the best in me.

Many who are not animal lovers, or "dog lovers," in general cannot understand the deep bond, the trust, the unconditional love. We have friends who, although have had their times with dogs (when the kids were little) etc. , from what I can tell were never really dog people, if you understand what I mean. I have seen dogs in homes that sometimes appeared to to pieces of immovable furniture. Well, anyway, now I am rambling, :unsure2: Mostly, just wanted to say thank you, to both of you and those who took the time to read about Jack and I. It is deeply appreciated. Perhaps it will help other's who may be struggling with making that same decision.

Blessings To All, Be well

Michael

 

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