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Lost my beautiful mum suddenly, it was my fault


Mamaslittleprincess

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Mamaslittleprincess
Hello everyone,
 
I lost our beautiful mum on the 4th of Oct 2016. It all started suddenly with fever, 103.6 degrees, nausea, diarrhoea after that she did not pass Urine for a day or bowel movement. She was totally fine except type two diabetes and hypotension.
 
We were in India at that time and unfortunately there was a dengue and chucungunya epidemic. We went to family doctor he didn't order bloods and by symptom he told us it sss chucungunya which my aunt recently had.!she had a real bad joint pain also which is a symptom. 
 
On the fourth day she started getting worse and had a severe abdominal pain and was short of breath. She did t want to go to the doctor or in emergency. 
 
She was so bad that she could not move we finally called the ambulance who took her to hospital. The local doctor ordered tests on day four and everything was OK according to him and he now said it was a viral and the only issue was low platelet count. She had stopped eating and drinking water by day 4 -!; 5. When we reached hospital they said her platelet count was dangerously low 95,000 they ran tests and said her creatinine and potassium were sky high which meant her kidneys had failed they were only working10%. They said this was due to some infection but it'd take time to figure out until then she was put on anibiotics inserted a catheter to mesusrd Urine output and was given meds and food through pipes in her neck. The only was to purify her blood was through dialysis. On second day X ray came and they said she had air leaking out of her Intestine. Even when we reached hospital they did tell us she was really really sick, her kidneys were bad transplant was not an option as she was I poor health. They did emergency surgery to fix air in the intestine and discovered she had a bowel perforation (peritonitis)
 
The surgeon told us her chance of survival with surgery was 10% and without surgery she'd not make it either it was 0%. They removed infected part of large I testing, found 1 litre of pus which they removed and put a temporary STOMA in her tummy. My poor mum was unconscious she didn't know what was going on at all! So we consented. Surgery went fine and st night she was stable but they put her on non invasive ventilator to help her lungs and heart and so she could sleep. 
 
In the morning, we were told her blood pressure had dropped to a dangerously low point. They gave her all meds to pump it up but nothing working she was in SEPTIC SHOCK now, around 5 pm it was almost ok she was maintaining around  90 but after that it suddenly Dropped further. They called us from ICU and said the last resort was a blood transfusion and if that didn't elevate her BP she would not make it. They tried this but it had no effect on her blood, eventually after a three day struggle at hospital and a living nightmare she passed away, I could not take the sight of her monitor and her vitals dropping anymore I went out, I told her how much I loved her but I don't think she heard me, I just didn't have the courage to stay with her until her last breath she was on ventilator and her vitals kept dropping until her pulse showed 0.. I let my father and her brother stay as only two people were allowed, it haunts me to think that perhaps she was looking for me and my brother and we were not present when she was counting her last breaths.
 
this was the worst day of my life, I would do anything to bring her back but I think I failed as a daughter whom she always trusted blindly, I told her she would get better but she did not.
 
I should have been more proactive but my mum was very weak, she was also overweight 97kgs that's why it was so hard to take her down from a fifth floor apartment in a shitty lift. Her result for chucungunya done at hospital came back positive. 
 She kept saying she was fine, none of us realised the fatality of the situation p
I don't know what killed her, doctor said she must have had diverticulitis or Crohns which got worse but no one had any specific cause. Her cerfticicate said MOD PERFORATION PERITONITIS ANF SEPTIC SHOCK.
 
Do not ignore severe abdominal pain she fell sick on the 26th with fever only, got wide on the 29-30th Sep and passed on the 4th Oct. I will never forgive myself I should not have listened to the family doctor I should have made him order bloods sooner rather than listening to his viral and chucungunya logic, I hope it never happens to anybody's loved one. I missed the chance to give her life, I hate myself I will never forgive myself me and my brother lost the most loving and beautiful mum withi a span of eight days ... I wish.. I didn't say goodbye I didn't tell her I love her I am lost without her life has lost its meaning what Devil attacked her. We celebrated her birthday just a week ago and mine too :(it was too late I am not sure if she would have had better treatment in U.K. Or Usa not sure if the doctors in India treated her properly .. 
 
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Dear Mamaslittleprince,

My deepest sympathies and condolences to you. I am so sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know this is a very hard time, but please know your mother loved you. You did your best with the information you had. Please do not blame yourself. Always hardest on those left behind. I still cry for my father. Wishing I had recognized how weak he was getting. The doctor told us he had heart failure but believed he would live another 6 months to one year. He died 2 days later. He was very weak, but I never believed he would die. 2 hours after I left his bedside, the doctor called to say he had passed. I, too, berate myself but I am trying hard to forgive myself. I'm still raw about what happened, but know there is nothing I can do now.  Please take care of yourself. With love and hugs to you and your family during this very difficult time.

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I just have to say that you are NOT to blame. You are not a qualified doctor or specialist. How were you to know that your mum was so unwell. As part of grief we look for answers and reasons why this has happened. Sometimes there are no answers. Big hugs to you. 

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Mamaslittleprincess
On 18/12/2016 at 10:50 AM, Monty said:

I just have to say that you are NOT to blame. You are not a qualified doctor or specialist. How were you to know that your mum was so unwell. As part of grief we look for answers and reasons why this has happened. Sometimes there are no answers. Big hugs to you. 

A belated Thank you Monty, It's nearly been six months and I have some ok days and some really horrible guilt filled days, I know I am not a medical practitioner but I should have been more alert and sensitive to her pain. Been a bit more pushy to take her to hospital, I feel I failed her, she must have been in so much pain that I can't even imagine. I miss her terribly with every single breath, I upset her a number of times and behaved like a complete idiot, there's no lady in our small household except myself and I feel lost and lonely without her. I can't forget the hospital ICU scenes flashing in front of my eyes, the fact that she is taken away from her family we had so many plans she had made me so many promises, I fought and complained too much I was insensitive I didn't  tell her how much I loved her, we tried everything every prayer but perhaps we didn't pray or do enough, sometimes I feel I killed her, i never knew her life was so short that she was becoming weaker by the day, i argued with her unneccesarily only if had known she was going to leave  us so soon I would have never upset her even a single time I dint tell her I love you, i promised she would be alright and we'd soon go home, i didn't tell her that she was under dialysis, it must have been so painful for her to be at hospital, when they put all those horrible things inside her, totally unexpected, the catheter etc what she must have gone through? I hope she will forgive me and I will meet her soon that she will be my mum in every single life ahead 

i can't express the pain I simply cannot, nothing can, nothing can bring a lost mother back. I wish I had been a better daughter a better human :(

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Mamaslittleprincess
On 17/12/2016 at 8:27 AM, reader said:

Dear Mamaslittleprince,

My deepest sympathies and condolences to you. I am so sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know this is a very hard time, but please know your mother loved you. You did your best with the information you had. Please do not blame yourself. Always hardest on those left behind. I still cry for my father. Wishing I had recognized how weak he was getting. The doctor told us he had heart failure but believed he would live another 6 months to one year. He died 2 days later. He was very weak, but I never believed he would die. 2 hours after I left his bedside, the doctor called to say he had passed. I, too, berate myself but I am trying hard to forgive myself. I'm still raw about what happened, but know there is nothing I can do now.  Please take care of yourself. With love and hugs to you and your family during this very difficult time.

Thank you Reader and I am extremely sorry for your loss and I can relate to the pain you must be going through, I am very sorry, I can't even say be strong because I know it is the most difficult thing to do and sometimes it feels like an insult, like rubbing salt on a fresh wound. Hope you have other family? 

Hugs back

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None of this was your fault.  I promise you that.  I'm so sorry you had to go through this.  A lot of what your mom had gone through is very similar to what my mom went through, whom I lost unexpectedly almost 2 months ago. 

My mom also had abdominal pain and refused to go to the hospital, saying she was fine, even when she went septic.  She had had sepsis before and knew how it felt, but she insisted she was fine.  This last time it started with gut abdominal pain (for her, it was a c-diff infection).  B/c she was recovering from going into septic shock last year (it's a very long recovery), she was susceptible to it, and she knew this.  My dad finally was able to rush her to the hospital when she was going into septic shock again, they did emergency surgery to remove her large intestine, but her blood pressure dropped during surgery and caused a massive stroke. 

We can't force grown adults to do anything they don't want to do, like go to the hospital.  I think of it like, would I want to go for something I felt I'd recover from on my own?  B/c that's usually the case...we don't tend to think it's something more serious.  My dad has a lot of guilt for not forcing my mom to go sooner, but what could he have done...thrown her over his shoulder and toss her in the car?  It can be especially difficult when you're trying to tell a parent what to do, since that doesn't always go over well.  

We all say idiot things to our parents at times.  I don't think they hold it against us.  If your mom trusted you blindly as you said, then she knew you loved her unconditionally, despite some stupid thing you said or did at whatever age you were.  Her trust in you is knowing you love her enough to support her needs and do right by her.  

I badly wanted to be there when my mom passed, so she would know I was there.  But it happened only a couple hours after I went home to get some sleep.  It's painful wondering what they thought.  Your mom probably wasn't thinking you abandoned her.  To be honest, and I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive, if she had sepsis then she probably wasn't as coherent as she seemed.  I've had entire conversations with my mom while she had sepsis and she never remembered a word of it.  It's blood poisoning, it affects everything.  When it's gets to be septic shock, and especially once it causes renal failure, it overwhelms the system.

Sepsis and perforation of the bowel are two extremely serious conditions.  This wasn't something you could have saved her from.  The first time my mom went into septic shock, she was already in ICU at the Cleveland Clinic.  That's a world class hospital, one of the best in the US.  She was lucky to be in their care when it happened.  She was also just plain lucky to have survived it, no matter where she was.  Experts are now suggesting that sepsis may be one of the leading causes of death.  Only recently is it starting to get more attention and more research.  So really, I guarantee it's not your fault.  Years from now they'll probably be more equipped to deal with septic shock.  Our moms just got it too soon. 

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Mamaslittleprincess

Dear @thegirlthank you so much for sharing your experience and I am extremely sorry for the loss of your mum. I am falling into darkness, I can't believe she's no longer there, I feel cheated, she made so many promises and was the bravest person ever, she had gone through so much in life to bring us children (I am 42!) she loves us unconditionally, perhaps like most mothers do.

 

i Am just sad that no one foresaw this, we had never seen anyone in hospital ever, let alone going into an ICU. We live in London but my mum hated it and she preferred to live in India. Things were really bad in my life, nothing went to plan and I was going through a very rough phase work wise and poor health. I burdened my poor mum with all that, had I known she's going away I would have never troubled her with my nonsense, it seems so insignificant now. 

We decided to take a break in India, i was not happy there because you get too used to a comfortable life and it just disturbs my balance ( I like routine), anyways we were all mean to come back in July but a wedding from my mums side came up, I hate weddings as I feel uneasy and sad, but mum insisted that if I dint go, she won't. I knew how much she wanted to go so I said yes. My mum was glowing and so happy at the wedding that i can't even tell.. 

we celebrate Diwali (it's like Christmas) for us Hindus, so although we were all booked for August I said let's stay back until November so we can celebrate together, my mum was skeptical because she knew I was unhappy there and would throw tantrums again, I reassured her and we changed flights and stayed. We were so excited to be staying back. 

 

But then this dengue and chikungunya epidemic spread and she fell seriously ill. She suffered from a soft stomach and used to get diarrhoea quite often but we dint think it was very serious, it was perhaps killing her inside, it could have been diverticulitis, I have no idea! But even our family doctor never picked anything up, he is just there to see as many patients in a short time and make money. I should have paid more attention to her recurrent diarrhoea but sometimes she would hide from us, and she said tha that's how her tummy is! That's how we have seen her for years.. so even though I worried, I thought it would pass although I did tell her multiple times to come with me to our family doctor. My mum is very shy and would never be demanding with her doctor, she went alone one day and that jerk just gave her some digestive tabs, no tests nothing. 

But finally she contracted the epidemic "Chikungunya " through a mosquito bite God knows where and she was not the only one, 80% of people in our city had it but mortality is low. Our doctor didn't pay much attention even when he knew she is diabetic and suffered from hypertension. Her first test came negative so we didbt know what we were dealing with. It was just me and my younger sibling and her by ourselves!

So my main guilt is,

1-perhaps if we had taken her to a gastro he could have discovered what was wrong inher gut and the condition could have been treated, it would have not led to a perforated bowel

2-if I had not thrown the idea of celebrating Diwali which was only two months away from our booked departure, she would have never contracted the epidemic which started in late August/Early September. I didn't see that she was getting weak, one night she complained of shortness of breath and we took her to a local hospital because our family doctor said she is fine but needed fluids so she doesn't get dehydrated. My mum was in agony in front of this doctor who is well reputed but he didn't even check her tummy to find the reason for her abdominal pain.. he just dismissed everything and also her low platelet count.. he said it's a viral infection, that's it!

my Nan passed away two years ago and my mum was extremely close to her, she was at the same hospital and my mum was very upset on her death anniversary and passed away four days later. She said whoever goes to this hospital Never comes back! So that made us a little weary about taking her to the hospital but it is one of the best hospitals with facilities in the city we were in. We didn't know about any other hospital and obviously people who get better have good things to say and those who don't make it, say it's a business! My uncle insisted they kill people in icu when they need more beds. But I know that her treatment started as soon as we arrived:

they said she had metabolic acidosis, her platelet count was dangerously low, and her blood was poisoned as her Cretinine level was dangerously low which indicated total kidney failure and she was put to diálisis next morning, but her heart could not take it. It's just that they missed the perforation, I wish they had ordered a CT scan that would have definitely showed them there's a problem in her bowel. But I m not sure if they could have operated her with her bad Kidnwy function.

i Am really sorry for boring you with all this, but most of what we were experiencing at hospital were brand new words we had never come across ever! When I write this, it's almost like catharsis it's going back to those hellish times but they never seem to get off my head, I can't talk share this with anyone, my younger sibling is in a fragile state of mind, he was mamas darling and I can't even imagine how he has mustered the courage to bear this, my father is old and he is fragile himself, it's only us three now in the name of a family and it's very very hard to keep going.. every day every moment is a trial by fire, I have lost my life, things I enjoyed I am not working anymore as I am looking after the house and can't leave sibling alone and move on alone. So it's a devastated life. I can't even end my life because I am a coward and don't want them to go through the same hell that we have gone though.. it's hard.. will life improve.. i don't know.. how will we survive? Don't know

.. why did she leave us? Perhaps one wise judgment would have saved her life! Was

8 hours ago, The Girl said:

None of this was your fault.  I promise you that.  I'm so sorry you had to go through this.  A lot of what your mom had gone through is very similar to what my mom went through, whom I lost unexpectedly almost 2 months ago. 

My mom also had abdominal pain and refused to go to the hospital, saying she was fine, even when she went septic.  She had had sepsis before and knew how it felt, but she insisted she was fine.  This last time it started with gut abdominal pain (for her, it was a c-diff infection).  B/c she was recovering from going into septic shock last year (it's a very long recovery), she was susceptible to it, and she knew this.  My dad finally was able to rush her to the hospital when she was going into septic shock again, they did emergency surgery to remove her large intestine, but her blood pressure dropped during surgery and caused a massive stroke. 

We can't force grown adults to do anything they don't want to do, like go to the hospital.  I think of it like, would I want to go for something I felt I'd recover from on my own?  B/c that's usually the case...we don't tend to think it's something more serious.  My dad has a lot of guilt for not forcing my mom to go sooner, but what could he have done...thrown her over his shoulder and toss her in the car?  It can be especially difficult when you're trying to tell a parent what to do, since that doesn't always go over well.  

We all say idiot things to our parents at times.  I don't think they hold it against us.  If your mom trusted you blindly as you said, then she knew you loved her unconditionally, despite some stupid thing you said or did at whatever age you were.  Her trust in you is knowing you love her enough to support her needs and do right by her.  

I badly wanted to be there when my mom passed, so she would know I was there.  But it happened only a couple hours after I went home to get some sleep.  It's painful wondering what they thought.  Your mom probably wasn't thinking you abandoned her.  To be honest, and I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive, if she had sepsis then she probably wasn't as coherent as she seemed.  I've had entire conversations with my mom while she had sepsis and she never remembered a word of it.  It's blood poisoning, it affects everything.  When it's gets to be septic shock, and especially once it causes renal failure, it overwhelms the system.

Sepsis and perforation of the bowel are two extremely serious conditions.  This wasn't something you could have saved her from.  The first time my mom went into septic shock, she was already in ICU at the Cleveland Clinic.  That's a world class hospital, one of the best in the US.  She was lucky to be in their care when it happened.  She was also just plain lucky to have survived it, no matter where she was.  Experts are now suggesting that sepsis may be one of the leading causes of death.  Only recently is it starting to get more attention and more research.  So really, I guarantee it's not your fault.  Years from now they'll probably be more equipped to deal with septic shock.  Our moms just got it too soon. 

she disappointed in us? Can she see us? I don't know when this agony will end? 

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The way I feel is no matter the doctor or hospital, mistakes will be made every time.  Some smaller, some major, but they do what they're able to with the information and knowledge they have.  Many of us on here have questioned doctor's ignorance or negligence, or downright malpractice.  But it's like, how do you prove it?  So, my mom had been in a lot of hospitals and had gone through a lot of doctors.  I'm 34, but I remember on my 8th birthday she was in the hospital for a major stomach hemorrhage...and that was when she was in good health.  Through her experiences, I know how hard it is to find a good, competent and compassionate doctor.  They're hard to come by.  Hospitals are even worse.  They shuffle through their patients with a quickness, barely getting to know their symptoms.  The only part of a hospital I've come to trust is the ICU.  That's where you'll find the most dedicated staff, b/c they have a smaller amount of patients who all require more time and more care.  

It sounds like your mom's doctor definitely missed something major.  Would a gastric doctor have done better?  Maybe.  Specialists tend to be both the least invested and the most in their patients.  It really just depends on who you get.  Compassion ranks just as high as competence in my mind, b/c what good is knowledge if they don't care about the patient as an individual?

If your mom was excited to stay to celebrate Diwali, then was it really a mistake you made personally?  You couldn't predict an epidemic.  My mom had lost her hearing early last year.  She was scheduled to have a cochlear implant surgery the same day she ended up in the hospital this last time.  She was so excited to have the chance to hear again that she ignored how she was feeling and pretended she was okay.  She had abdominal pain for two days and that infection quickly caused sepsis by the second day.  It wasn't until very early the following morning, the day she was scheduled for the implant, that she went to the hospital.  By then her condition had advanced to where it became the death of her.  But it's those things we can't predict that make us want to go back in time and change, but we just can't.  If we knew what would happen, we would have done things differently.  Instead, we share their excitement.  With grief comes guilt.  And I completely understand feeling like if you did this or that, it would have saved her.  There's so many things I wish I had known or had done differently, but nothing can be that planned.

Losing your mom is one of the hardest things you'll go through.  The unanswered questions are one of the hardest parts, in my opinion.  But the whole experience does feel like being stuck in time waking up every day to the same nightmare.  Finding the right people in real life to talk to is difficult.  Either they haven't gone through anything like this, or their own life still goes on, or their grieving process is too different to really relate to much.  This forum has been helpful for me.  It's almost comforting in hearing how similar experiences can be.

 

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Katieansara

Almost the exact same thing happened to me with my Mom three weeks ago.  We were vacationing in Maui and she got sick, nausea, vomiting, bad stomach pain.  We took her to the hospital Wednesday thinking it was appendicitis, but the catscan showed nothing wrong, so they sent her home with a stomach flu diagnosis, she was fine for about 12 hours and then it came back and we called the doctor on call and he said we will give her antibiotics it may be a bladder infection.  So we  waited until Friday morning and she was in so much pain we called an ambulance, I didn't go with my dad to the hospital ( I had my young son and husband with me). The EMT didn't even want to take her he said if the catscan didn't show anything two days ago it's not going to today, so I wasn't worried we thought dehydration worst case. 

Whenshe got to the hospital they did a second catscan to be safe and as they got the results my mom's  bp dropped so low it was lifethrearing, they found the perforated bowel and she went into emergency surgery.  She survived it and was on the mend and then three days later everything failed, she was on dialysis and life support, after three more days on life support my brothers flew in from the main land and we had to say goodbye because my mom's wishes were to never be put on life support for a long period of time if the results were never going to be good.  We stayed with her until her last breath it was so hard, but I couldn't leave her.  And I am so mad at my-self for it getting in that ambulance to talk to her one more time!!  I feel toir pain and guilt, Burbank we can't blame ourselves we believed what the doctors said. 

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Mamaslittleprincess
On 01/04/2017 at 5:46 AM, Katieansara said:

  Almost the exact same thing happened to me with my Mom three weeks ago.  We were vacationing in Maui and she got sick, nausea, vomiting, bad stomach pain.  We took her to the hospital Wednesday thinking it was appendicitis, but the catscan showed nothing wrong, so they sent her home with a stomach flu diagnosis, she was fine for about 12 hours and then it came back and we called the doctor on call and he said we will give her antibiotics it may be a bladder infection.  So we  waited until Friday morning and she was in so much pain we called an ambulance, I didn't go with my dad to the hospital ( I had my young son and husband with me). The EMT didn't even want to take her he said if the catscan didn't show anything two days ago it's not going to today, so I wasn't worried we thought dehydration worst case. 

Whenshe got to the hospital they did a second catscan to be safe and as they got the results my mom's  bp dropped so low it was lifethrearing, they found the perforated bowel and she went into emergency surgery.  She survived it and was on the mend and then three days later everything failed, she was on dialysis and life support, after three more days on life support my brothers flew in from the main land and we had to say goodbye because my mom's wishes were to never be put on life support for a long period of time if the results were never going to be good.  We stayed with her until her last breath it was so hard, but I couldn't leave her.  And I am so mad at my-self for it getting in that ambulance to talk to her one more time!!  I feel toir pain and guilt, Burbank we can't blame ourselves we believed what the doctors said. 

@Katieansara i Am so sorry that you lost your dear mother.. I cannot understand why doctors are not more aware and have a better sense of judgement. I thought if they had done a CT scan sooner they would have found the perforation and acted quicker! It sounds like your mother turned septic like mine where each hours delay is fatal, as soon as the abdominal pain starts I think it's the time when the bowel has perforated and kidneys fail. 

It's awful, my mum only managed less than 48 hours in the hospital, no one can foresee that such a deadly condition can strike an otherwise healthy person. 

My mum also had the bug chikungunya but results only came when she passed, she was also resistant to a number of antibiotics so naturally most things didn't work. It was the first death I had witnesses and it had to be my mother.

please don't blame yourself or feel guilty, yes we did believe what the doctors said but in my case she was suffering for 3-4 days already and I should have taken her to emergency, but she would have never agreed and let it pass.. once they reach a hospitals ICU I guess that's it, they never come back, four people passed away the same night as my mother, the nurse said that it's only the very critical cases that come there, me and my brother used to sneak out, make up stories only to be able to see her as they were very strict.. but she knew we were there, she was at peace.

Yes we miss them terribly, I fight with guilt, anxiety depression, anger since the last six months every single day every single moment, but imagine, I think your and my mum were still lucky, they didn't have to suffer or go through the hospital torture for very long, you know, When they operated my mums perforated bowel the doctor said there's only a 5% chance of survival and they wanted our consent, somewhere I knew she won't make it, and didn't want her to go through the pain and torture of being cut and stitched but it's a chance we have to take.. 

your mum is in a safe and happy place, happy in the knowledge that her daughter has a family, a kid to look after, she knows your love for her, she is a mother after all!

 

 

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Mamaslittleprincess

Dear @thegirl thank you for sharing your experience in so much depth and for understanding me, you are right, I think it's only this forum where we can get some peace when people share similar experiences. 

Like you said with grief comes guilt, I just can't map my life, what to do now where to go.. today is six months since her going, I see her photos every day, every night, it's just unbelievable.. so unpredictable.. we had bought so many new clothes for her, we celebrated her birthday she celebrated mine just a few days ago, those birthday decorations and flowers were still fresh when she left us.. we will be never able to go back to that house in India which she deeply loved.. i feel lost, burdened there's no other woman in the house who would understand me and share my feelings or even comfort me like my mum did, fathers are different, I just feel all equations have changed. 

I don't know if life will ever be the same or at least similar.. it won't be it just looks like a black hole and full of darkness.. I wish it'd end soon and at least I able to see her and hug her for one more time.. :(

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@Mamaslittleprincess life won't ever be the same.  It won't always be this dark, but a loss like this changes you.  It takes a part of you with it, and there will always be that space your mom filled that can now only be filled by memories of her.  But as sad as that is, I don't believe it means there will just be this void looming over you forever.  You'll always miss her, and there will always be times where it's painful and even feel unbearable, but life will continue to grow in other ways.  Six months in is still very deep in the grieving process, but like finding this forum, you'll develop outlets for that grief and, in time, rebuild yourself.  

I completely agree dads aren't the same.  Some people are closer with their dads, but, like you, I was much closer to my mom.  I was a pain in the ass at times, and she was too, but we had a bond unlike any other relationship in my life.  I'd be just as devastated to lose my dad, but losing my mom also took away my best friend and my confidant.  In losing her, I feel much more alone than had it been anyone else.  Life may feel like it stops here, and in that one way it does, but in reality it's probably just like a broken segment in my life.  We need to take the time to let it mend, and it'll never go back to the way things were, but there will be healing.  The whole grieving process is about healing...eventually. 

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Mamaslittleprincess

Thank you @The Girl your words are very comforting and it seems that although you are grieving your mums passing you still have the wisdom to heal and understand others, I really appreciate. 

I cannot share any of these thoughts with my brother or father, they are both lost and God alone knows how they have survived this tragedy. 

Its life's biggest irony, I am closer to my father, he is my idol and i always wanted to be like him, please him, I took his side when mum and dad fought trying to protect him i tended to be blinded and overlooked mums feelings, it's funny brother was always with mama, but now the scales have changed and I have started hating myself and regretting every time I was not supporting mama, I feel my dad doesn't understand us, the fact that we want to cry out loud and that's normal and reasonable, maybe he is too good at hiding how' broken he is but we are still children, no matter i am 42 but I was always treated like a kid with silk gloves, and now it seems I have to fill in mas responsibilities and her shoes, I am doing it but it's very hard, and i don't like it I want to be myself, carefree like I was before. I loved my mum to death but not in a million years I  thought she would leave everything and her dear family who she loves and nourished with all her heart just like this, in a fraction of a second. 

 

She seemed super strong, invincible and I thought she would at least live until very old.. this thought never crossed my mind although I had two horrible nightmares In the months before she left... but you shrug off such thoughts, I miss her terribly, I just want to cuddle her and kiss her tell her I love her but I failed her, I told her lies at the hospital that she'd come back home, that they were only cleaning bad stuff from her blood, she believed me se didn't shed one tear, she was so strong , she didn't know how poorly she was fighting between life and death.. she couldn't talk due to those horrible tubes but she heard me fine and believed me, I could not bring her home.

Sorry mama I miss you! Please come back, we need you 

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@Mamaslittleprincess I do understand not being able to talk about these things to some of the people closest to us.  I've only talked to my dad once since my mom's funeral and have a brother who has completely isolated himself.  Everyone deals with their grief differently.  Personally, the men in my family tend to be more guarded emotionally.  And my dad is just the same about his children, no matter how grown we are.  I guess dads are supposed to protect us, despite our age or what they're protecting us from.  They take that job very seriously!  

W/o crying and talking about the loss, I don't know how things will get better.  Maybe after long enough they just get used to living with it.  

I'm sorry to hear you're unhappy in your new responsibilities.  I know I could never fill my mom's shoes.  In losing someone who played that large of a role, we do have to step up to try to fill in the blanks of day to day life.  It's a lot to take on, especially when you're dealing with a traumatic grief.  One day it'll feel more natural, and maybe even one day your true self will be able to intertwine with those responsibilities.  It's important you take time for yourself throughout this.  Everything may feel bleak, like you can't find yourself, or the things you once enjoyed have lost all meaning, but finding some distraction that nurtures yourself will help give your mind a break that you really do deserve.  

You know, it's very normal to take a side between parents.  Especially as kids, but even during adulthood we tend to follow the lead of one parent over the other.  I remember traveling with my family on a 20+ hour drive to Disney World.  My dad was the driver, but even for him that was a long and tiring trip.  My mom was an awful driver, but she took over towards the end of the drive.  My parents were tired by that point and got into an argument about her driving.  We stopped at a rest stop and my mom got out and sat on the curb refusing to get in the car.  Stupid, naive me...I got out and sat with her.  Looking back, it didn't even make sense, but I just took her side automatically.  It's just what we do.  And it's okay that we do it.  Parents are usually very forgiving of their kids.  And luckily for us, no matter how old we are, we're always the kids.  

Is it really lying to your mom when you believe what you're saying is true?  You were sharing information giving to you by the Drs and medical staff - the experts in that situation.  Just b/c they were wrong doesn't make you out to be a liar.  I think it was kind and thoughtful to want to comfort your mom.  I was also given the impression my mom would be okay.  Even after we knew she had a stroke, they were telling us she'd come out of it.  Having no way to communicate with her, when she looked me in the eye (one of the rare moments where she truly looked at me and actually saw me) I smiled and motioned with my hand that it would be okay.  She started crying.  I didn't mean to convey false information, I just didn't know better.  I had so much hope for her and didn't want her to lose hope for herself.  Even though it ended up not being true, and that it didn't help raise her spirits but instead caused her to cry, having that moment to connect with her one last time still means a lot to me.  I think during those last moments, maybe it's good some of it was spent with hope.  How would that time have been different if you had known it was the end?  Would it have been harder for everyone, your mom included?  Maybe that hope let us share one last moment with our moms before everything fell apart. 

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pleomorphik

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss. That sounds so excrutiating and confusing. You commented that you don't know what killed her, and I wanted to let you know what the death certificate means, to maybe provide you with some solace, if possible, through understanding. 

"Mod perforation" means there was a moderate-sized tear in her intestinal wall, which is consistent with your account of what happened, her abdominal pain, and the suddenness of it all. Sepsis is a severe, life-threatening blood infection that for her, was caused secondary to the intestinal perforation. The bacteria from her intestinal tract (and there are lots there, and are supposed to be lots there) infiltrated her blood stream and that is what caused her death so quickly. 

For what it's worth, even in countries with the best medical technology and outcomes, sepsis is still a common killer and one that is rapid and often times, little or nothing can be done to even slow it down. I don't know that the outcome would have been different anywhere else, sadly. :(

As hard as it is, I think we all have our time and method of leaving this lifetime, and that there are reasons beyond our comprehension. When my beloved mother-in-law was dying last month, she had very diminished mental cognition, but had always had such a great sense of humor. She went from barely speaking and breathing to suddenly making the claim that she'd be returning to this life when she was reborn as the oldest child of her nephew. Everyone laughed, as it was funny and a beam of hope in a dark time, but I knew that she and I had had many talks about reincarnation and the afterlife prior to her illness taking over. Three days after her death on March 10, my husband (her son) and I accidentally conceived a baby. I just knew it was her. 

I wonder where you'll see your mom again. I'd be watching for a newborn in the family with digestive issues, as I think Karma tends to manifest a residual effect like that. 

So much love and ((hugs)) to you. <3

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