Different Kind of Christmas

[claribassist13]

I know that I can't be the only one dreading the upcoming holiday season. 

Family is paramount this time of year. Everyone is talking about seeing their family again, celebrating with their family. 
It's difficult to celebrate a family-centered holiday when a large portion of our own families are missing. We finally understand why sad Christmas songs exist. 

I am quickly approaching the 1-year mark. I lost my fiance on December 28th, but the last day I saw my fiance was on Christmas Day (we both worked in the days following Christmas). I know that, for me personally, Christmas is going to be agonizing. I know that many of you will be feeling the same way. 

A few days ago, a friend sent me this link to a song. I think it does a wonderful job of describing how different Christmas, or any holiday for that matter, is when you've lost a loved one.
If nothing else, hopefully, this song helps you to remember that you are not alone in how you feel.  

 

[KayC]

I had just heard that this week, it really nailed it.  It should give pause for thought to those going through Christmas with their families and lives still intact.  For many of us, our Christmases are forever different now.

[Helen Gardner]

Hello,

I am a newbie to this site. I lost my husband, the love of my life of 35 years on June 29th to  an aggressive fast growing thyroid cancer. He was ill only for 4 months. We tried everything  we could to help prolong his life- radiation, chemo etc but were told that none of the treatments he had were effective for this type of cancer. He fought to his last breath and was willing to try anything, 'go through anything'  as he put it 'for my sake'.

i have been researching mediums, theories and books on the afterlife in the hopes that I might somehow reach him or make some kind of contact. It was my husband, who in fact, believed fully that we can be in touch with the spirit of someone we love.I have always been a skeptic having trained and worked in the medical field for many years. But my husband felt there is a spiritual energy that is possible to experience after we die. He had studied it out of interest.

 However, Christmas is here and just like others who are suffering here I am wondering how i shall get through this holiday without out him. It is 6 months since he died and the memory of him in ICU fighting for life is all I can envision. I took care of him since i am trained in acute care. He had utter faith that I as a medical person could help him get over this cancer. But it had invaded his lungs and although we kept him comfortable with oxygen, there was nothing that could be done .All I could do in the end was to keep telling him I loved him until he took his last breath.

Christmas... my daughter and family are insisting that I should not be alone. They have young children who are looking forward to Christmas day and all it may bring. I think I need to make an effort for all their sake since they too are grieving. But I wonder how to hide the tears. They seem to come out of nowhere and triggered by anything- a song, music, even seeing a man just walking in the street who might remind me of my husband's stature or build.

I think it will be a relief when Christmastime is over ...

Thank you for 'listening'

[claribassist13]

2 hours ago, Helen Gardner said:

Hello,

I am a newbie to this site. I lost my husband, the love of my life of 35 years on June 29th to  an aggressive fast growing thyroid cancer. He was ill only for 4 months. We tried everything  we could to help prolong his life- radiation, chemo etc but were told that none of the treatments he had were effective for this type of cancer. He fought to his last breath and was willing to try anything, 'go through anything'  as he put it 'for my sake'.

i have been researching mediums, theories and books on the afterlife in the hopes that I might somehow reach him or make some kind of contact. It was my husband, who in fact, believed fully that we can be in touch with the spirit of someone we love.I have always been a skeptic having trained and worked in the medical field for many years. But my husband felt there is a spiritual energy that is possible to experience after we die. He had studied it out of interest.

 However, Christmas is here and just like others who are suffering here I am wondering how i shall get through this holiday without out him. It is 6 months since he died and the memory of him in ICU fighting for life is all I can envision. I took care of him since i am trained in acute care. He had utter faith that I as a medical person could help him get over this cancer. But it had invaded his lungs and although we kept him comfortable with oxygen, there was nothing that could be done .All I could do in the end was to keep telling him I loved him until he took his last breath.

Christmas... my daughter and family are insisting that I should not be alone. They have young children who are looking forward to Christmas day and all it may bring. I think I need to make an effort for all their sake since they too are grieving. But I wonder how to hide the tears. They seem to come out of nowhere and triggered by anything- a song, music, even seeing a man just walking in the street who might remind me of my husband's stature or build.

I think it will be a relief when Christmastime is over ...

Thank you for 'listening'

 

Helen,

I am so sorry to hear about your husband. Those words don't mean much, but I don't think there is really a phrase to express everything I wish I could, as someone who can somewhat imagine the pain. 

I'm a very scientific person myself and never really knew where I stood with the whole spiritual thing. However, I have found myself willing to believe that there is something after this life. Not only would I like to believe that I can see my fiance again, but sometimes there are just things that happen to make me wonder. 
Whatever you choose to believe, you will always have the knowledge of your love and devotion to each other. That will last you the rest of your lifetime. 

Christmas will be incredibly hard this year, but I think it's important to not shut yourself away entirely. Have your moments when they pop up, and then try to refocus on your remaining family. Do something in his honor. Continue a tradition the two of you had, or start a new one. If our losses have taught us anything, it's that life is too short and never promised. We need to cherish all of the moments we have with the ones we love. 

Keep reaching out to people on here. There are some wonderful people on here. 

[KayC]

Helen,

I'm sorry for your loss too, it's the hardest thing I think we can ever go through.  Bless your husband's heart, willing to go through anything for your sake.  I had that kind of husband too, they are rare gems.
You might want to read some of these links, I've found it helps to have a plan in place:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/getting-through-the-holidays-when-you-are-newly-bereaved_us_582c7767e4b0466f4579334f?
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/coping-with-holidays-suggested.html
http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/9038-tips-for-handling-the-holidays/&

[KMB]

Helen---Sorry for the loss of your husband---cancer is a terrible disease and leaves us feeling helpless when nothing can be done to save a loved one. Your husband was a fighter and kept the fight going for you. He was a blessed man for knowing your love and devotion and he reciprocated the same for you in his fight.

My own husband passed of CHF. No cure and nothing could have saved his heart. He was also diabetic with kidney failure. We were just a few days away from starting dialysis, which he was willing to try for my sake. The treatments would have taken the toxins and excess fluid out of him and lessened the load on his heart. The dialysis carried a risk for his heart which I was very afraid of. He did not want to die in a hospital and God granted that wish on a night after I had gone to bed.

All of us on here are dreading the Christmas holiday and wishing it to be over. Clari said it best in her above post. If being with people brings the tears, take a leave for a bathroom and let out the emotions. Family will understand, they are dealing with loss also. I see KayC---bless her heart, posted some great links to help you.

Prayers to you, Helen, and your family. Your husband will be there for you all spiritually, so try to celebrate Christmas as if he was right there.

[Helen Gardner]

Thank you so much Clari, Kay C and KMB for these kind and helpful words.You so clearly understand in the midst of your own pain how difficult it is for us all to face the Christmas holidays. There are so many good sensible suggestions from the links you posted Kay C and they will surely be a wonderful help as we all pass through this holiday time! One of the things that has been especially hard for me ( and still is) is the huge outpouring of grief in my community. No escape really...We live in a small community where my husband was well known and loved by many local people here. People cry openly and often in disbelief that he has gone even after this passage of time after his death. It is hard to control my own tears in the face of everyone's sadness here.

My strongest comfort when I can manage to feel a little relaxed and not too overwhelmed is in the knowledge of my husband's enduring love. I feel so privileged that I had his love and that we had so many lovely years together.We traveled a lot  throughout world and had many adventures and if i can sometimes go into that space and revisit some of those places it helps. Clari's suggestion to do something in his honor is wonderful. My daughter wants us to plant a small pine tree in the garden on Christmas Day in my husband's honor ( even if our neighborhood is replete with pine trees) But this one can be different and will be especially for him.

This is such a supportive site...Thank you !

Blessings and love to you all

 Helen

 

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Helen Gardner said:

My strongest comfort when I can manage to feel a little relaxed and not too overwhelmed is in the knowledge of my husband's enduring love.

That is what sustains me still.  I feel so fortunate that I've had such wonderful love in my life, even if it didn't get to last as long as I'd wished, but knowing the love continues even though his physical presence is gone helps me so much.

[Helen Gardner]

Yes just as you are feeling  KayC it is a huge comfort for me as well to know his love was so steadfast. I know in my heart that it was always there. But I am really trying so hard to believe that his love does continue on. We were practicing Christians and he really believed there is a life energy beyond our physical world and that it was good. I've always been more of a skeptic but kept an open mind. I keep waiting and hoping that there might be some sign from him.I do have the occasional dream but perhaps it is just that- a dream. It is so hard to understand why someone so good and kind could be taken from this life by such a horrible fast growing disease. But then I am sure many of us here must  feel the same way.  So hard to understand and make any sense of it....I will try and make an effort for our grandchildren but like others here must feel it is such a painful empty feeling especially on this first Christmas.

 

 

[KayC]

All the firsts without are hard.