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Stupid Comment of the Day (From a Friend)


Jeff In Denver

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Mrs. Plummer
41 minutes ago, Numb and Lost said:

I know he wouldn't want me to do the what if's or to feel this way. I know that but it doesn't help me. 

I know for a fact my Ken wouldn't want me doing what ifs either, Numb, but it appears to be a very normal - though agonizing -  part of grief.  I'm also sorry you've got people being so invalidating - "Move on" (after a week? I beg your pardon?) is one of my pet hates. Feel free to disregard that sort of emotional stupidity, won't you?

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It's completely normal to think the way you do. We've all done it, still do it. Our minds are not equipped in this life to deal with things any differently. Death happens, it is a part of life but it does raise so many questions that go unanswered when it's unexplainable. We expect death due to terminal illnesses or extreme old age. Anything outside of that we naturally question.

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I just got asked what i was going to do in the future? Its been 6 weeks since my husband passed suddenly. I replied i dont know yet.. just hang.... youre not gonna work? I,was like i dont know my future. I ended i hope you never experience this. 

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Good response.  Without meaning to be judgmental, people can be idiots.  Good grief!

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Eve forever, Just be honest when asked about things, which is what you have been doing. If someone cannot handle your response, maybe that will make them think what would it be like to be in your shoes. This world needs more compassion and empathy.

I don't cover up my feelings, they are mine and if someone doesn't want to hear my truth, they are not worthy.  I've left a few people behind because they have not lost their spouse and don't have the understanding of what it is like to have your heart shattered and your daily existence with your spouse drop out from underneath you. But yet, these same people that I stay away from for now, if they lost their spouse, I would be there for them.

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Really?   I mean seriously, Really?  Some people are just, for lack of better words, clueless, ignorant and dumb.   I don't think they mean any harm, and honestly believe they might be giving comfort. It's like our Lord Jesus said to his Father, forgive them Father for they do not know what they do, - you forgive them for they do not know what they say.  God Bless

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Jeff In Denver

I just received another response that drives me crazy.  My girlfriend's (Mila) birthday is tomorrow, I've been having a very hard 8 days, and I wrote to one of her friends.  She admitted that she had never lost someone that close to her.

The end of her response is here:

We all make mistakes and hopefully learn from them.  Mila knew you loved her and that you regretted how you treated her.  Still feeling guilt over the past does not serve anyone.  It's not going to change anything and it won't bring her back.  Mila would not want you to feel this way and would be the first to tell you that.  To honor her memory and your relationship, you should forgive yourself, let go of it and move on.  Mila would have wanted that for you.

That crushes me for some reason. I don't know if she means to move on from any guilt or move on from the relationship.  Moving on from the guilt is okay.

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Let's hope she means the guilt, but honestly, I think most people see it as a break up.  The relationship is over, move on.  

Only we didn't break up and the relationship isn't over.  We can't move on.  Even if we find someone new to care for, it isn't us moving on, it is just letting someone else in.  There is a huge difference in my mind.  

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Jeff In Denver
11 minutes ago, Emeliza said:

Let's hope she means the guilt, but honestly, I think most people see it as a break up.  The relationship is over, move on.  

Only we didn't break up and the relationship isn't over.  We can't move on.  Even if we find someone new to care for, it isn't us moving on, it is just letting someone else in.  There is a huge difference in my mind.  

Thank you.  I needed to hear that.  

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Jeff, I also take that response to mean that Mila's friend wasn't that close to Mila either. Since she doesn't have a clear understanding of what you are going through. But yes, I do think she means to move on from the guilt. It is a non productive emotion.

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Numb and Lost
4 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

I just received another response that drives me crazy.  My girlfriend's (Mila) birthday is tomorrow, I've been having a very hard 8 days, and I wrote to one of her friends.  She admitted that she had never lost someone that close to her.

The end of her response is here:

We all make mistakes and hopefully learn from them.  Mila knew you loved her and that you regretted how you treated her.  Still feeling guilt over the past does not serve anyone.  It's not going to change anything and it won't bring her back.  Mila would not want you to feel this way and would be the first to tell you that.  To honor her memory and your relationship, you should forgive yourself, let go of it and move on.  Mila would have wanted that for you.

That crushes me for some reason. I don't know if she means to move on from any guilt or move on from the relationship.  Moving on from the guilt is okay.

It also crushes me when someone says "you have to move on with your life" or "he's gone you have to accept that" or "you have to let go" No, I don't have to let go and I'm not going to. When my friend saw me and I looked empty as that is now how I always look, she said "is that still why you are upset?" I just looked at her like she was crazy and said "um yes a man I loved for years died that is still what it is!" She said well I guess I just thought it had been enough time. A month??? Really????

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Jeff,

Since she'd specifically brought up guilt right before that comment, I'd take it that she means to let go of the guilt and move on from that.  It's hard to know what another means but that's how I'd take it.  We know we can't "move on" from them but others may not realize that.

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20 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

She said well I guess I just thought it had been enough time. A month??? Really????

Wow!  What can I say?!  My response is the same as yours!

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Numb and Lost
1 hour ago, KayC said:

Wow!  What can I say?!  My response is the same as yours!

Yeah I can't believe someone could think a month could be enough time. At a month sometimes I feel like it's just now registering how real it is. I still have that feeling all the time that there is something I can do. I know there isn't and I know he can't come back but Iran like I feel like there is something that could help me. Someone I could talk to maybe I don't know 

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I hope you'll get a grief counselor, not just any counselor, but one specializing in grief, and talk to them about it, I really think they'd help you.

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Numb and Lost
1 hour ago, KayC said:

I hope you'll get a grief counselor, not just any counselor, but one specializing in grief, and talk to them about it, I really think they'd help you.

I may try to if I can find a free one. I just don't want to have to pay a lot for it like the other one. 

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Numb and Lost---Do you have a Social Services or Human Resource Services in your area? You might want to call an agency like that and see what they offer in the way of grief counseling for low income cases.  Red Cross or Salvation Army, check into what they might offer or if they know other resources for low cost grief counseling.

 

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How to Find Grief Support in Your Own Community

  • Call your telephone operator or public library and ask for the numbers for your local mental health association or your local suicide prevention center. Either agency will have good grief referral lists. You need not be suicidal to get a grief referral from a suicide prevention center.
  • Use the Yellow Pages and call hospitals and hospices near you. Ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator, Social Worker, or Chaplain's Office to get a local grief referral. Many hospitals and hospices provide individual and family grief support to clients for up to one year following a death, and offer bereavement support groups to the general public at no cost.
  •  The Association for Death Education and Counseling maintains a searchable data base of certified thanatologists (professionals with specialized education and certification in dying, death and bereavement whose professional responsibilities include working with the dying and / or bereaved) to help you find a grief therapist or counselor in your geographic area. 
  • The National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization maintains a database of hospices for each state in the United States.  To search for a hospice in your own community, click on Find a Provider.
  • Cruse Bereavement Care is the leading national charity for bereaved people in England, Wales and Northern Ireland, offering face-to-face, telephone, email and website support, advice and information to children, young people and adults when someone dies and working to enhance society’s care of bereaved people.
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Numb and Lost

Thank you. The place I went is actually based on income but they still put me at the highest payment. I wanted to explain I might have a good income but I don't have a good list of bills so they take all the income haha. I will look into some of that though thank you for the info :) I don't know I feel like the only way it would really help is if I could talk to someone that knew him. I continue to pray to maybe have that opportunity. I know if I did it probably wouldn't help as much as I think. I think my mind just tries to think of anything that would help me to keep a connection to him. 

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Numb and Lost---I feel that a grief specialist is where you should be placing your focus. In regards of your unique situation, you really need someone to talk to that can be unbiased and professionally equipped to give you the advice in coping with your loss. I am very concerned about you.

You have a connection to him. The connection of love will always be there. He is in your mind and heart. That is what we all are left with. I know this is difficult for you but it is, what it is. You seem to be questioning his feelings for you. He spent time with you willingly. He loved you. I feel that you are seeking validation for his feelings. He gave you the validation by being with you. You  were given the opportunity to meet and love. Cherish those memories.

I can understand you wanting to find someone he knew to connect and commiserate with. His family and friends are grieving. I don't think you want to put yourself at risk by involving yourself into that other circle of life he had. To allow yourself to step into that circle would compound their grieving and bring more devastation to you. Unfortunately, this is your cross to bear, you can share with us on here, and hopefully for your state of mind, with a grief specialist.

We all share in your pain here and want to be the most helpful. My prayers are with you.

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Jeff In Denver
On 1/27/2017 at 3:11 PM, KMB said:

Jeff, I also take that response to mean that Mila's friend wasn't that close to Mila either. Since she doesn't have a clear understanding of what you are going through. But yes, I do think she means to move on from the guilt. It is a non productive emotion.

KMB,  I believe you're right.  She wasn't around much in Mila's final months.  That says a lot.

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Numb and Lost
2 hours ago, KMB said:

Numb and Lost---I feel that a grief specialist is where you should be placing your focus. In regards of your unique situation, you really need someone to talk to that can be unbiased and professionally equipped to give you the advice in coping with your loss. I am very concerned about you.

You have a connection to him. The connection of love will always be there. He is in your mind and heart. That is what we all are left with. I know this is difficult for you but it is, what it is. You seem to be questioning his feelings for you. He spent time with you willingly. He loved you. I feel that you are seeking validation for his feelings. He gave you the validation by being with you. You  were given the opportunity to meet and love. Cherish those memories.

I can understand you wanting to find someone he knew to connect and commiserate with. His family and friends are grieving. I don't think you want to put yourself at risk by involving yourself into that other circle of life he had. To allow yourself to step into that circle would compound their grieving and bring more devastation to you. Unfortunately, this is your cross to bear, you can share with us on here, and hopefully for your state of mind, with a grief specialist.

We all share in your pain here and want to be the most helpful. My prayers are with you.

Thank you. I need all the prayers I can get. It is kind of validation that I'm seeking I think, but I guess if I found someone that he had talked to it would almost be like hearing from him one last time. I'm sure he talked to someone but I just have no way of knowing who that is. Right now I feel like I'm waiting every day until I can see him again. I'm hoping one day the waiting will get easier until I'm just living again. 

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You have the validation in your heart. Because he was married, I would not feel he told anyone. Things have a way of slipping out and he would not have wanted his wife or family to know. It was a secret between the two of you. Cherish that, he loved you.

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Numb and Lost,

As I've said before, there is another person on a different grief forum going through something similar to you, I thought it might help to read his posts and know you are not alone in what you are going through.  This is his first post there, but you can look up his activity and see all of his posts.  He has finally worked through his need to contact her family, he has been seeing a grief counselor though.
http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/9567-lost-my-best-friendlovesoul-mate-somewhat-complicated/#comment-110904

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Numb and Lost
37 minutes ago, KayC said:

Numb and Lost,

As I've said before, there is another person on a different grief forum going through something similar to you, I thought it might help to read his posts and know you are not alone in what you are going through.  This is his first post there, but you can look up his activity and see all of his posts.  He has finally worked through his need to contact her family, he has been seeing a grief counselor though.
http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/9567-lost-my-best-friendlovesoul-mate-somewhat-complicated/#comment-110904

Thank you. I signed up to join that forum so I could comment. It said I would get an email to confirm but I haven't gotten it yet. We definitely identify with the desire to connect with someone. I would never consider contacting his wife or mother. The only one I considered was the sister because I know they were close. I think she would be understanding. But again I can't know that for sure so I just can't do that. I had even thought of contacting her anonymously just to see what she would say without revealing myself. I'm sure he probably told a friend, but I don't know who. The only reason I think so is because when he first met me his friend told me he was crazy about me. But that was 11 years ago when I was still too scared to start any type of relationship. I know where guy works but that's about it. I don't know if they were still good friends or not. Then there is one other friend I mentioned before that was also a good friend of mine in high school. I know he would be understanding even if he didn't already know. He moved away a few years ago so I really cant imagine them being close enough for this to come up though just on the phone. But it was his status that I saw when he died so I don't know. Seems like he knew pretty quick. If nothing else I would like to see if maybe he could somehow get me something of his. I don't know maybe say it was for him. It's terrible not having anything to remember him. I can see Finch's point, sometimes I think his sister might want to hear from someone that wants to talk about him. But again I know and understand she may not so I can't risk that. 

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Numb and Lost,

There has to be a slip up in your approval for membership, it shouldn't take long, usually it's right away.  Maybe try the "contact us", I can't help but feel it slipped by her?  Sorry it's taking so long!

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Numb and Lost
19 minutes ago, KayC said:

Numb and Lost,

There has to be a slip up in your approval for membership, it shouldn't take long, usually it's right away.  Maybe try the "contact us", I can't help but feel it slipped by her?  Sorry it's taking so long!

Well I found the email in my spam and I clicked it and it says it's waiting on approval 

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