Stupid Comment of the Day (From a Friend)

[Jeff In Denver]

You know how this goes.  People wonder why we haven't moved on.  He/she is in a better place.  God had better plans for them.  Everything happens for a reason, and the other annoying things that we hear from well-meaning people who have never been through this hell.

Yesterday I was in a friend's office.  Let me add that she and her husband are very well off - they have millions of dollars of rental properties.  She was recently demoted from supervisor  to worker, and is upset about it.  Anyway, she asked how I was doing.  I told her how much I miss my girlfriend, that it had been 6 months (to the day) that I lost her, and that I was a mess.

Her response:  "I know what you mean.  I'm going through the same thing."   I'm standing there, "Um, ah, really?"  She then said, "Yeah, my job."   Flabbergasted! 

 

[KMB]

I'm so sorry, Jeff. Some people are focused on themselves and don't think before they speak. Your friend was demoted, to her it was a loss. Loss of a title and maybe her income took a demotion as well. But her *loss* cannot compare to the loss of a loved one. You, I, and everyone on this forum knows this. All the well meaning platitudes are sincerely given, at least we'd like to think they are. But, until it happens to them personally, they have no clue the emotional hell that we are in.

[Jeff In Denver]

Thank you, KMB.  You're right.  People just have no idea.  I was the same way...

An update:

I get along well with my girlfriend's (Mila) ex-husband (from a long time ago).  They are from Peru.  Anyway, her son is graduating from college this weekend, and I am picking up some of the relatives at the airport tomorrow, they'll be staying in my house, etc.  Anyway, her ex said Mila really wanted to be at the graduation, and how sad it is that it worked out this way instead.  I just wrote to him and told him that I believed that she might be there.  I also told him about my interest in the afterlife.

His response: "I think you have to let her go, I think is not good get hooked by the past, we have to live and go on with our lives, I think she would like that but..."

I hate hearing about letting her go. It's like a slap in the face, but it makes me wonder if I am being unrealistic.  Why don't I let go?  Am I being stupid?  What am I holding on to?  But then I realize what have lost.  Either way, I'm staying with what I believe.  But that kind of response just really pisses me off and leaves me cold.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

 

[Sadaf Nazim]

Something similar happened to me too.

I have this best friend who got married this October. She knows about my loss, calls me and says.. Well, don't be so sad. The thing that happened to you is terrible but move on. Don't live in the past so much. I didn't say a word. Just thought to myself how much HE IS NOT MY PAST. I can't explain it to her. Or anyone. Then she started telling me that she is pregnant and how much at this time she misses her husband who is in another country. 

All this from my best friend!

Some people will never get it. They get everything so easily in life.. they have never experienced what love is and how deep it can be. They have never known it's beauty and it's pain. Love can shake you to your very existence. Even when he was with me I felt the same energy flow between us. And when he is not here, nothing has changed. 

 

[claribassist13]

Jeff, 

The stupid things that come out of people's mouths never ceases to amaze me. I am so sorry that you had to sit through a comment like that; I know that I absolutely hate when that happens to me.
All I can say is that I am happy that they can make such blissfully naive comments. They truly live in a blessed bubble.

As for your views of the afterlife, you believe what you believe. You've done a lot of your own research, and not everyone is going to agree with your point of view.  

[claribassist13]

3 hours ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

Just thought to myself how much HE IS NOT MY PAST. I can't explain it to her. Or anyone. 

1

No one understands until they've met "the one" or they've had "the one" taken from them. These people were our past, present, and future. We don't mourn simply because we miss what we had. We mourn for the person no longer living in the present with us. We mourn for the future we planned with them. 
We had years and years of our futures stripped from us. That loss is inconceivable, and we are only able to realize that loss in bits and pieces.

Thankfully your best friend lives in a blessed bubble. No one should have to know what this is like.   

[Jeff In Denver]

8 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

Jeff, 

The stupid things that come out of people's mouths never ceases to amaze me. I am so sorry that you had to sit through a comment like that; I know that I absolutely hate when that happens to me.
All I can say is that I am happy that they can make such blissfully naive comments. They truly live in a blessed bubble.

As for your views of the afterlife, you believe what you believe. You've done a lot of your own research, and not everyone is going to agree with your point of view.  

Claribassist13,  Thanks.  I think this stuff happens to all of us.  I really agree with your comments before about the past, present, and future.  That sums it up very well. I don't know if I was any better than these people before I found out first hand what this hell is like.

As far as the afterlife, I really don't care what people believe.  It's absolutely none of my business or concern.   Just as not everyone here agrees with your point of view. That shouldn't stop you from expressing yourself.  If someone doesn't like my approach, I won't be offended if they ignore it.

As an agnostic and skeptic, I don't even know what I believe.  But I do know that given the choice that they no longer exist or that it's possible they continue on, I'm going to hope that they are still around.  It works for me.   I put it out there because it apparently helps some other people as well.  I have received several emails from people who have followed that path with very positive results.  I will continue to search for answers to to contact my girlfriend and will let people know of any new science-based evidence I find that supports this approach.

 

[KayC]

Your friend replied in ignorance, trying to relate to you with the only experience she had of loss...the two are really incomparable.
After my husband died I got a card from my former BIL, he wrote he knew what I felt because he'd lost his bird.  Then I went on to read that his  bird flew back three days later!  He's comparing my loss of my husband to that of a bird that he ended up not even losing?!!!  
I guess we let such comments go, knowing they meant well but boy did they miss the mark!

[Jeff In Denver]

Wow, KayC.  How can you respond to something like that?  How can people say something like that with a straight face???  You and I have had similar losses, but I don't know how you feel.  How could I?  It's impossible.  I have a general idea how you feel, but that's about it.  Almost anything I could say to you would be the wrong thing to say.

The problem is, fortunately, most of our friends and family haven't lost their soulmates (I know, that's an over-used word, but I think it applies here) this way.  They don't know how to respond.  But that doesn't make it any less hurtful or infuriating. 

   

[claribassist13]

15 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Claribassist13,  Thanks.  I think this stuff happens to all of us.  I really agree with your comments before about the past, present, and future.  That sums it up very well. I don't know if I was any better than these people before I found out first hand what this hell is like.

As far as the afterlife, I really don't care what people believe.  It's absolutely none of my business or concern.   Just as not everyone here agrees with your point of view. That shouldn't stop you from expressing yourself.  If someone doesn't like my approach, I won't be offended if they ignore it.

As an agnostic and skeptic, I don't even know what I believe.  But I do know that given the choice that they no longer exist or that it's possible they continue on, I'm going to hope that they are still around.  It works for me.   I put it out there because it apparently helps some other people as well.  I have received several emails from people who have followed that path with very positive results.  I will continue to search for answers to contact my girlfriend and will let people know of any new science-based evidence I find that supports this approach.

 

I guess I feel like the last part of my comment came off wrong. I simply meant to say that everyone has their own opinion of what happens after death, but their disagreements with you shouldn't stop you from exploring what you believe. 
I think it's great that you share your views. I know it has helped a lot of people on here. 

I don't think any of us truly know how awful we were until we experience it for ourselves. This isn't something that society has a playbook for. You can't know until it happens to you. 

I hope you'll keep sharing all the stuff you find with you. I know that I, personally, enjoy reading the things you post. They may not be for me, but I never know until I read it!

[Jeff In Denver]

No problem, Claribassist, I understand.  I see what you mean.  You express yourself well and I appreciate your posts, as well.  Many times I have read what you have written and realized, "Wow, that's what I have been feeling, but this looks a lot clearer.  It's good that someone else feels the same way and has so clearly articulated this important thought."

Really, I don't know what to believe.  I don't have proof any anything.  I am just searching, as I would guess, many of us are.

I'm sure that you help a lot of people here.

 

 

[claribassist13]

Jeff, 

I think it takes interacting with others to really flesh out all of our own feelings. It's similar to when you talk through a problem with a friend. Even if they don't offer anything new, they always seem to have a way of rephrasing your thoughts that make it clearer to you. 
We are all one giant community, looking to make our own understanding clearer as we try to grapple with something so beyond our limited understanding.  

I think you will find that many of us are in the same boat. 
I was never particularly religious, but I find that I am more than willing to believe in something if it means I have the slightest chance of seeing my fiance again. That is one of those topics that each of us had to discover for ourselves in our own time. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Really, I don't know what to believe.  I don't have proof any anything.  I am just searching, as I would guess, many of us are.

None of us can "prove" anything, but I hope you will believe what brings you the most comfort, what makes the most sense to you.
I have learned that those of us who open our minds to possibilities and even think outside the box, are in a better place than those who rigidly close their minds to any possibilities.

[KMB]

I don't believe in the word, *closure*. It means *an ending*. It's an over-rated word when it comes to the passing of a loved one, the funeral, etc., all that takes place after---then we are to find *closure* and move on. The love lives on in our hearts and it never dies. Therefore, there is no such thing as closure ( not for me anyway). For me, even though my husband is not physically present, I believe his spirit is still with me. It's not *goodbye*---it's a *see you later*, when I complete whatever my purpose is in being here.

KayC relayed it in her above post---whatever it takes that brings you comfort and makes sense. Keep your mind and heart open, use the love and memories to help you carry on the legacy. I've been noticing that the anxiety attacks are lessening. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I put an image in my mind of my husband smiling, his beautiful blue eyes sparkling----we had many happy, loving times.

[Mrs. Plummer]

I'm so sorry, Jeff. I have been told to "let go" today (6 weeks into loss of husband and still utterly heartbroken). "Let go" makes me so angry - it is the stupidest platitude. I
"Let go" of my husband in a rotten hospital ward, and I'm NOT letting go of him again, pardon my French but no fucking way. I want to sustain my connection.

Sorry for making your thread about me - "Move on" also makes me incandescently furious. We "move through" - and at our own pace, thankyou very much. And, her jobg is the same as your loss? OMG, whatever. Bloody appalling.

 

[KayC]

"Let go", "move on", "closure" have no place in grief healing, if you ask me!  I will never let go of my George, he is my soul mate, he is everything to me, it wasn't our fault that he died, we didn't choose it like people choose a divorce!  Move on from what?  Away from our life together?  Never!  I will never choose to move on FROM him!  He is a part of me always!  I prefer instead using the word "continue"...I CONTINUE my life, I don't "move on" from him!  And closure???  As if!!  Maybe some people can close the door on their loved one, move on and let go of everything that was dear to them...I cannot.  I WILL not!  Maybe it's just semantics, but choice of words DO make a difference!

[Sadaf Nazim]

That's so true kayC.. We can never move on. They were not just a part of our lives that we can close that chapter and start next. They were our whole life. They were everything to us. We didn't choose this. If there would be a choice, we would choose to be with them forever. Neither did our loved ones had a choice. How the hell can we move on ever!!? I would rather die than to forget him and move on.

[KMB]

Never thought of the word *continue*, KayC---thank you for that.  I stayed in bed again this morning longer than I used to. Snow to shovel. If my husband were here, I would have been up early and out shoveling by the time it got light enough. He would have been out doing his plowing. The shoveling is done now because I choose to *continue*. To continue doing the things I've always done on the property. It sucks doing things alone but I keep that image in my head that my husband is watching over me and walking beside me in what I'm doing.

Choice of words do make a difference. I've been told to move on, let go. I ignore those words because these people haven't had to walk in my shoes. I have no option but to resume my daily existence at my own pace.Well, there is another option, lay around, cry, stay miserable, but that is not the person my husband knew me to be. I'm not going to let go of my husband just because he is not here, but I will carry him with me. Our minds and our hearts are not going to let each and everyone of us on this journey *move on* like our loved ones never existed. With all that great love still there and will be forever, it is not possible.

[claribassist13]

I've always preferred to view the word "closure" as more of an acceptance thing rather than a "moving on" thing. 
I mean, there comes a time when we all have to accept that the person we love the most is dead. It's a sort of closure, but it's not closing them out of our lives. 

I like the phrase "continue" though. I think a lot of people could get behind that. 

[KayC]

claribassist,

Perhaps a grief counselor might intend that usage for the word closure, but I still do not like the word for what it can imply...and what can never be for us.  As KMB said, words DO matter!

[Emeliza]

I have kept notes of things people should not say to someone grieving.  I would guess some of the things that upset me, won't upset the next person.

1. Don't tell me how your mother/father/friend/etc had a heart attack and it was really bad, but they made it and you are so thankful.  Or at least don't tell me for 10 minutes in the line of the visitation for my husband and then repeat the story to his grieving parents.  I am glad your person survived, mine didn't.

2. Don't tell me you spoke to my dead husband, especially if you didn't know him.  This is probably more for me than others, but my husband believed in an afterlife, but he thought people who claimed to speak to the dead (especially if they didn't know them)were faking it.  So even if it was true, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, he wouldn't go to someone else if he could communicate.  

3. Don't ask for my husband's belongings unless they had some sentimental value to you.  I still can't even wash his dirty clothes so I don't believe I will be giving you his t-shirts because you want some t-shirts. Again, said to me by someone who never said more than hi to my husband.

4. If I laugh or smile, it doesn't mean I am all better.  It means for a moment, I was feeling ok.

5. Don't constantly tell me how strong I am.  I feel like I am going to crack constantly. I am just getting better at pretending. 

6. Don't invite me to a singles activity 6 weeks after my husband died.  In fact, don't ask me 6 months or 12 months.  I will do that in my own time. 

7. Don't tell me you wish it had been your ex who died.  I don't want anyone dead and I don't think you do either.

8. Don't pretend it was just as bad for you as it is for us (my daughter's friend who had met my husband once does this every time my daughter would get teary eyed---my daughter just holds it all in now).  

9. Don't tell me we will be blessed for our loss.  I could careless what we might be blessed with, we want our husband and dad back. 

10. Don't tell me about someone you know who lost a bunch of people and has it worse than me so I should be thankful.  I am not pretending I am suffering more than anyone else. I certainly don't compare my grief to others.  

Sadly I have more.

Also, I really like the word "continue" now.  That is very good on describing things.

 

[KMB]

Emeliza----I admire your courage for posting this list. Yes, sadly, you have more to add, we all have more to add. Until someone has lost a significant other, they do not *get it*.

[HisLioness]

5 hours ago, Emeliza said:

Sadly I have more.

Can I add 2?

11. Don't tell me that I need to go on antidepessants because you saw my red puffy eyes. Meds are great, and if I get to a point where I need them I'll make an appointment, but I sure as **** don't need you halfass diagnosing me because I cry. I'm fucking sad because I lost my 23 year old husband 40 fucking days ago. Back the **** off.

12. Don't ask me if I've thought about going back to school or moving back up to where we lived. Don't be fooled because I came back to work and manage to halfway function. I'm an empty shell running on fumes and an ungodly amount of Monster, I haven't thought about what I'm doing beyond driving back home, and if I had it my way there wouldn't be a tomorrow for me to even think about. Again, back the **** off.

 

Yeah. My coworkers are just fanfuckingtastic, can't you tell? Today was hell. I'm back to free falling and praying for rock bottom. I just want my husband back

[Emeliza]

Those are good ones to add.  I think we could all write a book on it.

My co-workers came in because someone from a TV show they liked died and they cried about it at work and wanted sympathy.  I managed not to hit or yell at them that it was a freaking fictional character, unlike my love.  Not that I haven't cried at a movie, show or book, but they seriously were over the top.  I was so angry that day.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Emeliza said:

Don't tell me about someone you know who lost a bunch of people and has it worse than me so I should be thankful.  

Your list is a good start, but this statement is common misconception and serves only to invalidate our feelings.  It's something no one should ever say to anyone.

[Jeff In Denver]

What I call "the deflection" gets me in a bad mood.  I tell someone about what happened and they respond with:  "I know what you're going through.  I lost my great grandmother 5 years ago."

They just blow by what you have said with their story of loss.  It is usually a loss of a distant relative.  Of course we can't measure how someone feels, but when that happens it feels dismissive.

And the lady at work, comparing my losing my life partner in a terrible way with her being demoted was insulting and stupid.  Really, when she asked how my Thanksgiving was and I told her, she said that she was going through the same thing! 

 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

And the lady at work, comparing my losing my life partner in a terrible way with her being demoted was insulting and stupid.  Really, when she asked how my Thanksgiving was and I told her, she said that she was going through the same thing! 

Wow.  What do you say to that.

[KMB]

So sorry Jeff---people think they are relating to your loss because I feel it makes them feel better, that maybe they can top that loss by minimizing yours and maximizing theirs even though the loss isn't even equal. I've been in a little predicament ever since the loss of my husband. A long time friend, who works in the woods as a logger. My husband was hauling the wood for this friend before I even came into my husband's life. He's been asking me out just about every week. He's had a long time crush on me but I never acknowledged it, never mentioned it to my husband. Just was not a big deal because I was totally devoted to my husband. If my husband was aware of it, he never brought it up either. This friend is a good mechanic and has helped my husband out many times with various projects out here. It's a friendship I'd like to maintain because I might need help here with something down the road. This friend already replaced the alternator on my vehicle 3 weeks after my husband passed. This guy has brought me jewelry twice, gaudy necklaces that I would never have bought for myself. He keeps asking me out for dinner and just this morning he stopped in and asked me out for new years and for a movie coming out later in the month that he thinks I would like. I'm trying my best to be kind and polite. I tell him that I'm not ready for going out, that I'm still grieving for my husband and I know I will be for the rest of my life. This guy has never been married,has had no long term girl friends. He lives with his father and brothers. He's just one of those types that thinks if any female smiles and is nice, that she is his girlfriend----I think we all know the type I mean. He's got a good heart and is a hard worker but it all stops there. If my husband were here, none of this would be happening. I just keep feeling appalled that he is disrespecting the friendship and the memory of my husband. He keeps telling me that I have to move on, get a new life, that I do not have to be alone. Crap, I struggle every single day with the knowledge my husband is not coming back and that I have to find some purpose. I don't need my nose rubbed in it and I certainly am not looking for a replacement guy to be with. My journey is my own and I will cope my way. I was fortunate to have my soul mate for as long as I did. I will always be my husband's wife in my heart, no one else could ever compare. I used to tell my husband that fact. We completed each other.

[Jeff In Denver]

KMB, I think you're right.  They are trying to "help" in the way that you described.

This friend sure has you in a rough position.  I think what he is doing is wildly inappropriate.   He has no idea what you're dealing with, and basically sees you as single.  You certainly don't need this, in addition to everything else you're dealing with.

I wonder how this will work out.  I hope he senses what is going on, backs off, and stays in friendship mode.

[KMB]

Have you ever had to fill out any forms yet where you have to check your*status*? I was always proud to make a check in the Married box---proud and thankful for my husband who chose me. I hate the *status* box for widow/widower. It technically means you are single. Maybe to the rest of the world, but I am still a wife emotionally and mentally and in my heart. For me, that is what counts.

When this friend was over this morning, I kept talking about my husband, on purpose, hoping something would click for this person. I know this person very well. We live in an area where rumors spread very quickly due to everyone knowing everyone. If I agreed to go out for supper with this person, he would have it spread that we were dating, etc. Considering he is being persistent and has brought me jewelry, I know which way the wind is blowing. If he was actually coming across as a true friend, my intuition would tell me.Not too long before my husband passed, we were going out for breakfast and sometimes an early dinner at our local restaurant. A new waitress began working there. This friend got it in his head that because the waitress was friendly and polite to him, that she was going to be his girlfriend. He began eating there every day trying to get her to go out with him. She ended up having to take a stand with him. I might have to do that also, at the risk of long term friendship.

I have gone out for breakfast, once, with another friend of ours. He has been a close friend of ours and was with my husband and I on my husband's last day here. He has been sincere in his concerns for me and my grieving. He just wants to make sure that I am coping and not shutting myself off completely in isolation. He's been gently encouraging me to get out more and even calls to make sure I've gone to the grief support meetings.Such a big difference in how people view friendship.

[KayC]

KMB,

I'm sorry you're getting unwanted attention from this friend.  Tell him you're not single, your husband's death hasn't even sunk in, it wasn't of your choosing!  He doesn't get it, that's clear.  I would decline the jewelry and tell him you've appreciated his help but you're not comfortable with gifts.

[Emeliza]

Oh KMB--

How awful to be dealing with that right now.  I am so sorry.  I would guess you will need to kindly take a stand.

And I hate the widow box, but I hate it even more when it isn't an option and they only list married or single.

[KMB]

Thank you for all the concern and support. I'm not going to let this situation worry me.I've been fair and polite in deflecting the unwanted attention. I have enough worries in just surviving one day to the next.

[Numb and Lost]

I was in love with someone that was married. I'm married too. Yes it was wrong but it happened and I tried to change my feelings but I couldn't. My friend I confided in said to me yesterday "you don't know there may have been other women, you are just going to have to get over it and move on" he has only been gone a week. How is that for sensitivity. I already feel like it's my fault cause what we were doing is wrong, am grieving alone.

[KMB]

Numb and Lost---So sorry for your loss and the circumstances surrounding your loss. So sorry you are grieving alone. You are not alone here---so many compassionate people who do not judge, we will be here for you.

[Numb and Lost]

KMB- thank you. I certainly need it. The fact someone could say "move on" after a week blows my mind. I guess she's just never had feelings like this for anyone so maybe it isn't her fault she doesn't understand. I also had another one of my best friends who knows what's going on call me and tell me she's an emotional mess this week because of little petty arguments with her boyfriend. I don't see how anyone could say to me right now she is an emotional mess considering what I'm going through. I told a few of my best friends but none of them knew him.

[KMB]

It's a sad fact of life---people who have not suffered a close, personal loss have no understanding. People can be insensitive, inappropriate in responses. It is not intentional I don't believe. Most just don't really know what to say or do. Some just bring up something current in their own life thinking they are relating in some way.

I avoid some people right now because it is easier than trying to explain how hard my loss is to deal with. Pain of losing someone special is a pain no one can see. Therefore, it is hard to convey, much less for someone else who hasn't experienced it can reciprocate in an empathetic fashion.

If I had a broken leg, people would see the cast, crutches and would imagine how painful from the visual aspects. A broken heart, a shattered life, cannot be seen.

[Numb and Lost]

Right. I think the particular friend who understands the least doesn't have the capacity to understand. I don't think she has had those feelings in her lifetime. She falls "in love" with someone new every month it seems. I really think she isn't emotionally capable of understanding so I guess I can't hold it against her. Him and my husband are the only men I have ever truly loved. My husband's drug addiction has made it very hard. It makes me confused anout my feelings. Now that he's passed I'm more confused than ever. But he gave me feelings there are no words to describe. One thing that haunts me. The last time I "saw" him was through a FaceTime call. He said "why aren't you smiling what's wrong? Smile!" I said "because I can't see you" (the screen was freezing up) now every time I cry I hear him saying "why aren't you smiling?" And I say "it's because I can't see you" :'(

[Mrs. Plummer]

On 18/12/2016 at 2:41 AM, KayC said:

I will never let go of my George, he is my soul mate, he is everything to me, it wasn't our fault that he died, we didn't choose it like people choose a divorce! 

Thankyou, Kay. Thankyou. I am so heartened to read that you're okay with holding onto your George, particularly since I notice you're 11 years into this journey. I know I can hang onto my Ken too.  And I love "continue"- that can mean whatever we want it to mean without the offensive connotations implied by "move on," which is way to close to that other little nasty, "get over it."
 

[Mrs. Plummer]

On 30/12/2016 at 9:13 AM, KMB said:

Have you ever had to fill out any forms yet where you have to check your*status*? I was always proud to make a check in the Married box---proud and thankful for my husband who chose me. I hate the *status* box for widow/widower. It technically means you are single. Maybe to the rest of the world, but I am still a wife emotionally and mentally and in my heart. For me, that is what counts.

Yes, this so much. Thankyou.

[KayC]

Numbandlost,

What you are going through is complicated by others not validating your grief.  Your grief is as real to you as any of ours is to us.  It's based on the love we had for each other.  
 

[Lostmybabe]

18 hours ago, KMB said:

If I had a broken leg, people would see the cast, crutches and would imagine how painful from the visual aspects. A broken heart, a shattered life, cannot be seen.

If I could draw broken hearts I would right now. I feel exactly the same...

The things you have spoke about, I too am noticing & things are starting to grate on me a little bit & I pick & choose whom I'm around or speak to atm too. It is hard being around my mum n a cpl of others but I only have a few close friends (I like it that way)

things that ppl say, they have no idea at all.

" I'm Going through the same thing" conversations r the worst too" I have a very dear friend, who sadly lost her baby at 33 weeks term, she had to go thru the heartache of giving birth, registering birth & death, holding her in her arms too, so sad... So we have another friend who misscarried at 6 weeks term at the same time.. They bumped into one another and the latter friend told me dearest friend that "they were going through the same thing" I have never forgot or let go of those words, and that is 16 yrs ago, yes, it was so sad losing yr baby at 6 weeks term, but to me, it was not the same and couldnt compare, my dearest friend was shattered... 

With regards to unwanted advances, I am experiencing something very small in comparison,but it has made me realise something... So the bar me & wayne used to drink in, I keep going in as I feel close to him in there, there is this guy who works thetr that keeps cuddling me & I really don't like it. I have issues with my personal space anyway. He knew us both, but he keeps calling or texting me when his boss has already sorted arrangements with my sis in law to tell me about them.  

I think certain men may prowl on women who are vulnerable, and we most certainly are that, I know I feel very vulnerable rn...

i do not want to stop going in this bar, so I fear I need to say something soon too...

Another thing im finding hard, its not until this pain takes a hold of us, you dont realise how many time ppl say the words related to death or for me when I hear the term "crash" or similar... 

The pain really hurts.... x

[Numb and Lost]

Lostmybabe I can relate to hearing the word "crash" causing pain. Also whenever there is a crash and someone lives I ask myself why did that person get to live and he didn't. He didn't even have a chance he died on scene. The news showed the crash site and showed the wrecked motorcycle being cleaned up. They showed everything but him. I go over that day and the days before over and over. Every time I see a motorcycle I think "well that one didn't crash why did his" 

[KMB]

For me, it's hearing the words---heart attack---how my husband passed. I cringe when I hear those words. One of my biggest hurts was from my own mother. She sent a sympathy card, the month following my husband's passing. I never told her. She found out from the legal notice that had to be posted for creditors. A separate piece of paper inside that said, you should have known he was going to die since he was older than you. My mother, a narcisstic bully. I made the choice to be estranged from her years ago. I've been in the process of forgiving her for my own sanity. She'll have to answer to God when it is her turn.

 

[Mrs. Plummer]

Ah, yes, the "There Is Always Somebody Worse Off" platitude - I know it's a crappy analogy, but if I break my finger, does it hurt any less because somebody else broke three? And certainly, grief is no time - NO time -for this sort of mindboggling insensitivity!

[Mrs. Plummer]

On 15/12/2016 at 4:25 AM, KayC said:

Your friend replied in ignorance, trying to relate to you with the only experience she had of loss...the two are really incomparable.
After my husband died I got a card from my former BIL, he wrote he knew what I felt because he'd lost his bird.  Then I went on to read that his  bird flew back three days later!  He's comparing my loss of my husband to that of a bird that he ended up not even losing?!!!  
I guess we let such comments go, knowing they meant well but boy did they miss the mark!

He lost his bird, and that means he can relate??? PFFFFT! I'd be tempted to laughter if I wasn't so cranky for you.

[Emeliza]

Yeah, heart attack is a bit of a trigger for me as well.  But it is used so frequently, I try to not to let it hold the power over me that it could.  I have even slipped once when someone scared me (didn't hear them come into my office and turned around to them standing behind me).  I was a mess for the rest of the day over my own ill use of the phrase.  

Does anyone else accidentally call someone else their loved ones name?  I have slipped and called my brother, his brother and even his sister by his name.  It is heart wrenching.

I personally don't wonder why some survive and others die, or I should say I try not to.  It is too much.  Just like it is too much to think of all the "what ifs" that hang out there and the "whys".  Even if I got an answer (which I won't in this lifetime), it wouldn't be enough. 

[Numb and Lost]

Emeliza I am really bad about the what

if's. I know it doesn't help anything but I keep doing it in my head anyway. 

[KMB]

My husband would tell me not to do the *should haves, would haves, ifs* when something negative happened. In his wisdom, he knew it was wasted thinking. What ever happened, it happened, can't go back and reverse it. He passed of a heart attack. He had heart damage from a minor heart attack long ago we didn't even know happened. What they call a silent heart event that probably happened while he was sleeping and wasn't aware of, but survived it. A couple of mini-strokes. Stuff happens in life that we don't want, and I'm left to pick up the pieces of my heart and my existence and continue on somehow until it is my turn. We are not guaranteed tomorrow.

My husband and I used the word *dear* for each other. No matter what was said, it started or ended with that word. I find myself talking to the pets or the kids with that word now. It's a habit.When I talk to my husband in my head or out loud, I still use it.

[Numb and Lost]

I know he wouldn't want me to do the what if's or to feel this way. I know that but it doesn't help me.