Does Grief Counseling Work? Not For Me.

[Jeff In Denver]

This is for the newer folks here.  It will be a repetitive for those who have seen my posts before.  Please ignore this if that's you.

It's been a tough year.  My girlfriend, the love of my life, started going downhill in January (breast cancer).  I did everything I could holistically, support-wise, etc.  We probably got started too late with a medical marijuana oil consultant.  There is much more to the story, but we'll never know if could have worked.  Nothing worked.

I lost her on June 14th and I miss her terribly.   It comes in waves.  Sometimes I am almost normal.  Other times I am a complete mess.  But I am always thinking about her. The sadness - happiness meter used to run 1 - 10.   Now, 6 or 7 is the top of the scale.

We can count on the disappearing friends, the lack of support, and stupid comments, and our new reality.

I saw a grief counselor 3 times.  It helped while I was there.   Long term?  Not so much.  But then, how could it?  We want back what we lost, and no counselor can do that.  As I have mentioned before, there are two things that we're dealing with:  1. The physical loss of the person.  2.  The concept that they no longer exist.

No one can help with the first statement. But the second one?  If you knew that your loved one was around you, could hear you, loved you as before, and that you were able to make occasional contact with them, would it help?  There are online tools for this.  

As an agnostic skeptic, it is the only thing that has helped me.    And it really has.
 

 

 

 

 

 

[green7]

Jeff, 

I have tried counseling and at first it helped. But I felt like I wasn't getting any better and so did my counselor.  She suggested that I should see someone better prepared to help me, since she was the counselor that I got referred to at my college. She said that I should see a psychiatrist (because of my depression). Then I started seeing a psychologist, it didn't work for me and at some point I realized that nobody can help me because nobody can bring my boyfriend back. Would it help to know that he's stil around, that he can hear me, see me, that I could make ocassional contact with him? Yes it would help a lot. I don't know if it's my imagination, but I've felt him some times. I don't know how to explain it but sometimes I just know he is here. And that's what I want to believe in order to get some peace. I can't just let him go I love him so much. 

[claribassist13]

To offer another perspective: grief counseling as been one of the best things I have done for myself. 

My particular situation left me in somewhat of an awkward place. I'm young (recently turned 21), and he was young (he was 19 when he died). We were almost 3 years into a relationship (the first for either of us). It's an uncommon thing to see in my age group that has, in turn, made it difficult for me to rely on my friends. People my age simply don't understand what I'm going through. Many of them don't know what it is like to have a long-term relationship, to know someone you would consider marrying. To put it simply, I was (and still am) at a very different place in my life than all of my friends. 
I couldn't rely on my family either. No one has experienced this. No one knows what to do or what to say. They try to say something or the awkwardly avoid it. How do you comfort the girl who cries in the early morning hours? What can you say to her?
Most of all, I couldn't rely on my fiance's family. They are all dealing with their own grief, some of them so consumed by it that they can't listen long enough to hear my reply when they ask how I'm doing. 
Of course, there are always those that think I should just move on. He was only my fiance, nothing special. There are plenty of other fish in the sea...

Counseling gave me a space to talk to someone, anyone, about what I was going through. I could talk about the friends I was losing, the pressure I felt from family and friends to move on and start dating again, the promise I made to my fiance to take care of his family (which made it impossible to share my grief with them even with as close as we are). My counselor was willing to listen. She let me know that my thoughts were not abnormal. She talked to me about taking antidepressants, about group counseling, about all sorts of other therapies I could try. She didn't suggest anything, but she helped me to feel educated about my options, gave me back some small semblance of control over my life. She let me talk about my fiance, about how much I missed him. She would ask me for stories about us. She was someone to talk to, and there when I desperately needed someone to spill all my feelings to. 

Counseling doesn't work for everyone, that's true. However, it's important to approach counseling with the right attitude. Counseling is not going to cure you or make you feel better all the time. If you aren't willing to take suggestions or even participate in their activities (my counselor does a lot of art therapy), then you are not going to have any success. It takes a few sessions to form a relationship with your counselor, to feel comfortable enough to talk about the worst part of your life. 
What counseling ensures is that you are talking with someone, which is so important in navigating this awful mess we call grief. Counseling ensures that there is someone watching our for your well-being, someone who isn't afraid to tell you that you should consider antidepressants or see someone more qualified. They are an unbiased, third-party that you can confide in without feeling judged, someone you don't have to face every day. Someone who really does care, even if it is only in a professional way. 

As I've said, counseling doesn't work for everyone. However, the decision to see a grief counselor has been one of the best ones I have made for myself. I would highly recommend that people try it. I mean, what do you have to lose? We cannot sink lower than we already have. 

[Jeff In Denver]

9 hours ago, green7 said:

Jeff, 

I have tried counseling and at first it helped. But I felt like I wasn't getting any better and so did my counselor.  She suggested that I should see someone better prepared to help me, since she was the counselor that I got referred to at my college. She said that I should see a psychiatrist (because of my depression). Then I started seeing a psychologist, it didn't work for me and at some point I realized that nobody can help me because nobody can bring my boyfriend back. Would it help to know that he's stil around, that he can hear me, see me, that I could make ocassional contact with him? Yes it would help a lot. I don't know if it's my imagination, but I've felt him some times. I don't know how to explain it but sometimes I just know he is here. And that's what I want to believe in order to get some peace. I can't just let him go I love him so much. 

Green7, I am so sorry about your loss.  Your experience pretty much sums up what I have seen, although I am not expert in this stuff.  There is no reason to let him go, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.   You have to stay true to yourself.  If you want some of the information that might help, please send me a private message.   I have something that I honestly believe can help you without the "moving on" nonsense.

[Jeff In Denver]

I have read that in some cases they can make things worse, some are made better, and in others they don't make a difference.  

Claribassist, that is a different way of looking at counseling, and I am glad that it helped you.  Just like the movie "Vantage Point," there is always another side of everything that others (like me) might not see.  If counseling flat out didn't work, grief counselors would go out of business. They obviously help some people.  That's good to hear.

People just have to use what works for them.

This whole thing just sucks...

 

 

[KayC]

Not every grief counselor is good at what they do.  And not every counselor is a GRIEF counselor.  If after three sessions you feel you're deriving no help from it, by all means, look for another one!
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

You are right, everyone has to do what works for them, but it also helps to explore your options.

[Sadaf Nazim]

No counselling Or therapy would work for me.. Nothing in this world would work.. The emptiness in my life could be only filled only by the one who I have lost. As simple as that. I have written something which describes it better.

Bleeding internally I am. 

A sabotage of emotions I am.

Evoking you, wanting you back in these arms,

A silent clamour I am. 

Come, heal me.

Because only you can.

 

Stories I have, so many in these eyes.

Untold, unheard. Some implicit cries. 

Writing with my tears, everyday something new.

For others, just a blank page I am.

Come, read me.

Because only you can.

 

Wanting desperately for that moment to come, 

When our hearts meet, and they become one.

Crashing and shattering are the pieces of my soul.

Nothing, but a clump of shard I am.

Come, fix me.

Because, ONLY YOU CAN. 

 

[claribassist13]

15 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

I have read that in some cases they can make things worse, some are made better, and in others they don't make a difference.  

Claribassist, that is a different way of looking at counseling, and I am glad that it helped you.  Just like the movie "Vantage Point," there is always another side of everything that others (like me) might not see.  If counseling flat out didn't work, grief counselors would go out of business. They obviously help some people.  That's good to hear.

People just have to use what works for them.

This whole thing just sucks...

1

No argument there. This whole situation sucks. 

[claribassist13]

13 hours ago, KayC said:

Not every grief counselor is good at what they do.  And not every counselor is a GRIEF counselor.  If after three sessions you feel you're deriving no help from it, by all means, look for another one!
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

You are right, everyone has to do what works for them, but it also helps to explore your options.

 

So true! 
I was lucky that my university has a grief counselor on staff. She is absolutely amazing in what she does. 

[KMB]

Sadaf---Such beautiful writing, expressing what is in your heart. Maybe make a booklet of those poems as a tribute to your loved one?

[KayC]

Yes, a true gift for writing.  I find that expressing myself helps, so I hope it does you good...have you considered a book?

[Sadaf Nazim]

KayC and kmb 

Thank you. It's the pain that comes out..a little bit.. in the form of words. I will consider writing for my love some day.. Maybe. Right now even breathing is a task for me. 

Yes. Expressing yourself helps a lot. I am glad I found this forum. 

[KayC]

Me too.  I'm thankful for the internet, we didn't have these tools when I went through the loss of my MIL 29 years ago, and I needed that outlet.  Taking care of her while she was dying of cancer for nearly three years, I didn't have time to travel 1 1/2 hours away to the next city for support groups, etc.  Being able to go on line an express yourself and having cyber friends there to respond...well it means more than I can say.  It was my lifesaver when my husband died.

[Mrs. Plummer]

Jeff, I commence grief counselling on Monday. I have been seeing a woman from palliative care (I believe it is called "Hospice" in the States) and I think she's terrific, but she doesn't do deep level stuff, and I feel I need a deeper level counsellor before I go out of my mind. We'll see how it goes.

What really resonated with me about your post is that I too, began this journey as an agnostic skeptic, just like you. At some level, I have always believed that spiritual survival is at least possible, but was not too sure about it. I have read my Dawkins ad Hitchens, and while some of that makes sense, I did still feel that science doesn't necessarily have the answers to everything.

Since the passing of my sweetheart Ken from cancer 6 weeks ago, the ONLY thing that is a real comfort to me is believing that he still lives in Spirit, that he loves me and is here with me at some level, comforting me and knowing how much I love him. While I am proud of atheist friends who deal with grief from their viewpoint, I feel affirmed very deeply when I talk to people who sincerely believe that Ken is here with me, and that I will see him again. I know I'm looking for teats of comfort, but I do actually believe it, I am just too wounded to appreciate it as fully as I hope to do when some healing has taken place. I have ordered myself a slew of books by James van Praagh and Sylvia Browne. I know many people think they're full of crap but I have decided not to mind too much what others believe, and I think those books will be a source of comfort.

Take care, Jeff, I am so sorry about your girlfriend.

Louise

 

[Jeff In Denver]

Thank you, Mrs. Plummer.  This is so hard.  I am so sorry to see that you, too, are dealing with this nightmare.

Here in the states, palliative care and hospice are two different, but related, things.  It might be that way where you are.

I hope the counselor helps you on Monday.  Please let us know.  As I mentioned, I think their ability to help most people is rather limited.  After all, there is only one thing that will really help, and we all know what that is.  It may help you just to talk to an active listener, and I believe they do that.  Again, that's only my two cents.  I can't imagine how hard their job is.

Good luck to you.