I lost my little Sammy - kind of a rant I am sorry

[Brittneet]

I dont even know how to start getting over the sudden passing of my little buddy, Samuel. He was a nearly two year old cat, so he was young. This morning I woke up and heard him whining to come into my room, so I opened the door. He usually whined to come in when the door was closed, so this wasn't out if the blue. I let him in and he was acting a bit weird. he went and laid by my daughter's crib, and suddenly started acting like he couldn't catch his breath (at first I thought it was a hairball). But then he cried out and I realized he wasn't okay. so I woke my husband and we ran to the car, to take him to the 24 hour vet, and he went rigid and passed away as we were pulling out of the drive. I am so upset and sad, I dont know what to do. I took him to the vet, and they are cremating him. I didn't have the money to pay $200 extra dollars to get his ashes back nor did I I have anywhere to bury him myself, so I didn't really get to say goodbye. no burial and I was rushing to save him, that I didn't say goodbye then. I wish I would have just let him pass away peacefully looking out the window (that's what hat he loves to do) instead of making his last moments full or rushing and stress. does that make me a bad person? I don't know. he was so young and it was so sudden. the vet said it was most likely a clot or a heart problem that most likely would have not been seen anyway. But I still feel like it was all my fault, like could I have done something to prevent this. Did he know we loved him very much, even though we've been busy recently? I'm just ranting. I'm just so sad, I can't even go into the car or our bedroom , because of it. I just wish I could know he knew he was loved. I hope he felt loved, taken care of, and happy. I don't know how to get over my grief, will it wane. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry you lost your cat, esp. so young.  He knew he was loved, he knew who to turn to when he had a problem.  Unfortunately we aren't able to solve all problems no matter how much we wish we could.  I'm sorry you weren't able to bury him or get his ashes back.  
Feeling guilt is common with grief, even though we haven't done anything to feel guilty about.  We mull over the what ifs and wish we'd spent more time with them but the truth is, we could not possibly know we'd lose them and rushing about taking care of the home and working is part of our lives.
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
Although we continue to miss the one we've lost, we do eventually get used to living life without them here, and the intensity of the pain lessens.
You might try writing a letter to your cat, creating a memorial of sorts for him, maybe a picture or something in memory of him.  I bought some tombstones for the pets I've lost and even have one where I laid my husband's ashes to rest in my back yard.
They're about $25 and you can look for coupons on line or with first order that usually defray the shipping costs:
http://www.personalcreations.com/ProductSearch_r.aspx?ref=HomeNoRef&q=memorial stone&start=&spell=