I don't want to do this

[HisLioness]

I don't want to live without him. If he isn't here then what's the point? We were supposed to spend our lives together and have kids and grow old and be in love forever. I'm 22 and, realistically, looking at at least 60 years of lonilness and heartache. I don't want to be here without him I want my husband back. I want our life back. I want to curl up in his arms and tell him how much I love him and how thankful I am to be his. I keep asking why this happened and why am I the one left behind to be broken but there are no answers. I feel so lost without him by my side

[Sadaf Nazim]

I can understand your feelings. Realistically I look 60 years ahead of me too. I am also 22. But then I think my sweetheart also thought he had a large part of life ahead of him. He was just 24. And then this happened. All of a sudden. 

Maybe we don't have 60 years. Maybe we will be with our loved ones soon, all of a sudden, just like they went.. I will tell you not to be too much anxious about the future. Maybe we don't even witness that future which we are fearing so much.

They are not here physically .. But the promises we made to them are still here. The promises that we would love them forever, take care of ourselves, be good to ourselves.. We have to fulfill those promises dear. Until it's our time to meet them again. 

Lots of love to you. 

[KayC]

Try not to go there (into the years ahead), it's way too much for now.  If you think about all of the future it will overwhelm you right now and send you into anxiety and depression.  Try practicing staying in the present moment, it has enough to deal with of it's own.  None of us know our future, so why borrow trouble worrying about what may or may not happen?  Today, stay in today.  And try prayer/meditation.  Start with five or ten minutes at the most...skip the hour long ones, it takes time to train our minds and it may not be possible for you to do a lengthy one at this time.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/meditation-helpful-to-those-who-grieve.html

[HisLioness]

1 hour ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

Maybe we don't have 60 years. Maybe we will be with our loved ones soon, all of a sudden, just like they went..

I keep praying for that. There is no reason for my existence if the man I love isn't here with me. I may not be suicidal to the point where I want to actually hurt myself but if I see a wall of fire or a massive wave I'm walking right into it. I want my husband back. I want to hold him in my arms and never let him go. I feel so broken and scattered without him.

20 minutes ago, KayC said:

Try practicing staying in the present moment, it has enough to deal with of it's own.  None of us know our future...

When I'm at work I can (kinda) compartmentalize the pain and force myself to focus but any moment of rest brings it all back to me like a massive punch to the gut. It's this vicious cycle of pretending to be okay long enough to get through whatever I'm doing and then realizing that nothing will ever be okay again and I'll never be the same again.

 

I just need my husband back. And if that isn't possible then I need him to get his behind down here and take me home to him. Can you hear me husband?!? Get your ass down here and come get me! I told him a long time ago that he better haunt me if something like this happens and damnit, I'm still waiting! I'll take whatever you can give me if you'll just show me you haven't left me

[KMB]

HisLioness and Sadaf---Kayc is right---stay in the present moment. Thinking about the future compounds our emotions which are already overloaded. We don't know the future, we only know today and dealing with today is more than enough. Every day since my husband's passing, I have been scared of doing my life alone. It's brought me into dark times of depression like symptoms and panic attacks. I'm working hard on doing better. It is the sink or swim factor, I do not want to disappoint myself or my husband or the rest of the family or any one else who cares about me. I think back to the times when my husband was working long hours in our early life together and I would be alone, having to rely on my own judgement and discretion in dealing with daily life. Grief work is HARD, I have to push myself to keep going if I am to see any light at the end of the long, dark tunnel.

HisLioness---Your husband has not left you. Physically, yes, but you have to believe he is with you spiritually. We have a soul, the soul lives on with all the love and memories. Your heart will not let you forget.When we are in deep grief, signs and dreams have a hard time coming through. Our focus is on our grief and loss. In time, those signs and dreams will come through.

[HisLioness]

I feel so guilty for not being able to save him. I feel like I'm responsible for losing him and this is all my fault. How does a 23 year old with no risk factors die from a PE? He told me felt like ****, like he was getting the flu. I should've known it was something worse. I should've been able to save him The guilt of not doing more is going to kill me. What if he's mad at me? What if he blames me? Does he still love me? Did I disappoint him? Did he know how much he means to me and how much I love him? Could he see me holding his body and crying over him and kissing him?

Today has just been so excruciatingly painful. I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

[KMB]

HisLioness----Do not beat yourself up even more with guilt. You were living in the moment and could not have foreseen what was going to happen. Life is, what it is and bad things happen. When we pass over to Heaven, all negative thoughts, feelings, emotions are left behind. The only emotion carried over is love. Heaven is all peace and love. I'm sure your husband is not angry or blames you for what happened. You had no control of the situation and neither did he. He knows how much you love and miss him. Carry him in your heart.

My husband had congestive heart failure. He did have a quad bypass surgery about 9 years prior. but even with that, there was still damage to his heart. He passed of an instant heart attack, nothing could be done. I've had my share of guilt, but I have to let it go, considering the state of his health and he lived probably longer than expected. I love him more than anything and always will and it hurts that he is not here. I never seriously gave a thought to having to go it alone. So many advancements in the medical field going on and I had the hope that something would come along to help him. Wasn't meant to be.

I don't know what your belief systems are---have you considered contacting a reputable medium? I have done that, got some answers and messages of comfort.

[HisLioness]

17 minutes ago, KMB said:

I don't know what your belief systems are---have you considered contacting a reputable medium? I have done that, got some answers and messages of comfort.

I would love to contact a medium but I don't even know where to start. I'm so scared that I've disappointed him. I don't know if I can take hearing a medium confirm that. What if he doesn't even want to talk to me? 

[Knhedges]

I understand. I'm sitting here staring at the ceiling crying. It all just hurts so bad. I don't want to be here. I just want to go home... But my Dylan was my home.  I can't find comfort anywhere or with anyone. Everything just hurts so, so bad. I keep replaying the first day I drove 2 hours to visit him after reconnecting with him. His beautiful green eyes, his nervous smile. I gave him such a big hug. Then my brain just fast forwards through the next year and a half that we had together and now here I am. Its over. I found him, my soul mate, my missing puzzle piece, and a year and a half later I lost him. Today is just one of those days when I truly wish I were dead. There is no logic today. Today there is only suffering and wishing I could end it all and be with him again.

 

I don't want this life without him.

[KMB]

1 hour ago, HisLioness said:

I would love to contact a medium but I don't even know where to start. I'm so scared that I've disappointed him. I don't know if I can take hearing a medium confirm that. What if he doesn't even want to talk to me? 

If you do decide to locate a reputable medium. it will all be good stuff.He will not be disappointed in you. Spirit communications is all about love. Messages of hope.  There is no negative emotions in Heaven. I wish you well---sending prayers and hugs to you.

[KMB]

Knhedges----I'm so sorry you are feeling the way you are. We've all been there and we know the pain, It can be unbearable. We've all wished for wanting to be where our significant others have gone. That is not possible of course. Our only option is to work through the pain as best as we can. Crying, venting, punching pillows, whatever it takes to release the emotions.We have to allow the pain, emotions,to run their course in order for us to eventually get to the point of any healing. Life can be so unfair and this is a time of your life where at some point you will find the inner strength that you never knew you had to see you through.

Do you have anyone for you to act as a support system? I hope you are not dealing with this alone. Prayers and hugs to you.

[HisLioness]

1 hour ago, Knhedges said:

Today is just one of those days when I truly wish I were dead. There is no logic today. Today there is only suffering and wishing I could end it all and be with him again.

Yep. All of this. If only we could turn back the hands of time with the knowledge we now have. 

[Knhedges]

12 minutes ago, KMB said:

 

Do you have anyone for you to act as a support system? I hope you are not dealing with this alone. Prayers and hugs to you.

No one understands, and that makes it hard.  I met a girl on Facebook who lost her boyfriend the same day I lost mine, so we chat a lot about how we are feeling.  I talk to Dylan's mom every day, and it helps a little just to know she is there and she misses him as much as I do. She is the only person, other than Dylan and I, who seemed to understand the depth of our relationship. Unfortunately she is 2 1/2 hours away, and the Facebook friend is 16 hours away. 

I have some friends here and they tell me "I'm here if you need anything." but somehow it just isn't the same. I can cry my heart out to them and in the end all they say is "I'm sorry" And it's just not enough. It is no comfort. Plus, I'm not one to reach out to people. Never really have been. I don't want to go out and see any of them, don't want to "come over anytime I want to." I'm a homebody. I always preferred to stay home, order a pizza, and lounge around with Dylan.

 

[KMB]

Knhedges---I'm sorry you don't have much of a support system. Have you looked into a grief support group or a grief counselor? So many people I talk to here and I forget their individual circumstances. It's good you are staying in contact with Dylan's mom, probably the only other person besides you who was close to Dylan. It sounds like your friends are reaching out to you. Saying *I'm sorry* doesn't seem like enough, but it is. They are listening to you, that's a big plus there. No words, no actions, can take away the pain. That effort has to come from ourselves and in our perceptions and attitudes in how we choose to deal with our grief. The journey of grief lasts a lifetime. The person you lost will always be in your heart. You will carry his love and memories with you forever. I'm a homebody like you. My husband was the social one. I have to push myself to leave the house, to take care of errands, to interact with others. It does get a little easier each time. I feel that I would be not honoring my husband's love and his legacy by keeping myself cooped at home being totally miserable. I have to keep trying because I know that's what he would do if I had gone to Heaven before him.

Just breathe---take it one step, one day at a time.

[HisLioness]

Here comes another night without him. Another night where the only comfort I will get is from our dog who has clung to my side like superglue. Another night where I will fall asleep without his arms around my waist and his heartbeat radiating through me. Another night where I'll fall asleep begging him to come to me in my dreams. Another night that will turn into another morning without the love of my life there to kiss me and tell me he loves me. I don't want anymore nights. Or mornings. I just want to fall into his arms and out of this existence. 

[claribassist13]

To everyone in this thread: If you have not looked into professional grief counseling services, I would highly recommend it. It may not work for everyone, but it is important to take proactive steps in your grief. 

KayC and KMB are right. Yes, we lost the rest of our lives when they lost theirs. It is all too overwhelming to think about all of the things that we will miss out on, that they will miss out on, that we as a couple will miss out on. The "next 60 years" is way too much for any one person to handle. At this point, I'm sure that a lot of your are still struggling to get out of bed every day. Focus on that. Focus on waking up tomorrow and getting out of bed. Once you've done that, focus on eating or taking a shower. Think about each task you have to do one at a time. Don't think about anything else after that task. Think just about your current talk until it's completed. Then move on to the next one.

We have to learn to live our lives all over again. We are new people.
When we were babies, we didn't focus on the next 20 years. We focused on the next 20 seconds, if even that.

Please, please. Be kind to yourself. HisLioness & Sadaf, I lost my 19-year-old fiance about a month after I turned 20, almost 1 year ago.  I can understand, to some extent, what both of you are feeling. I have had the same thoughts about the next 60 years. It doesn't help you at all, not when you can't focus on the next minute. Take your days step-by-step, minute-by-minute until you can go hour-by-hour. Give yourself the time to live as a new person in a new life. 

[Chasisdope]

My husband was only 22 when he passed away on October 20, 2016. I'm in my 30s and I still don't want to live the rest of my life. It seems way too long. I want to be with him already too. Like what Sadif, said...we may not even live that long so we just never know. I can only hope that my time here wouldn't be that long. I want to be able to handle some of the responsibilities that he wasn't able to fulfill and then be on my way to be with him. I honestly don't think that as time goes by, it gets a little easier. Everything seems like it just happened and the love, missing, yearning only grows stronger and more unbearable. I have no way of convincing anyone of how I feel. People out here just think, oh she's probably already with someone else or messing around. I can't really open up because people don't know how to comfort. They'll just be like, oh and aw. Like really, then why ask if I'm okay. Some people ask then when I spill my heart out they get aggravated. That is sad. 

[HisLioness]

I don't want this life. I never contemplated a future without him. My life was supposed to be spent as his wife and eventually the mother to his children. I wanted to spend every single day of the rest of my life as his, and now that's been ripped away from me. I don't want to have to build a "new normal". I want him back damnit! 28 days and I'm still playing this evil game in my head where I pretend it isn't real and I'm just waiting on him to walk through the door. Then it hits me all over again. Just wave after wave of unrelenting pain. I want my husband back

[KMB]

None of us wants to be in this reality that we find ourselves in. It's a foreign world and it's lonely and scary. I had to suck it up and call for furnace repair yesterday for an intermittent issue of the furnace shutting off the past few weeks. In one way I'm proud of myself for dealing with it by myself. In another way, it was emotional without the backup of my husband here. Being in a new life by myself is so damn hard but I have no option.

We will all endure our losses together on this forum. Prayers to everyone.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, HisLioness said:

What if he's mad at me? What if he blames me? Does he still love me? Did I disappoint him?

Of course he loves you and doesn't blame you!  He knows you love him and would have done anything to keep him here with you!  This is something beyond what we could do to stop it, nor could we have foreseen any of this.

[Jeff In Denver]

On 12/13/2016 at 8:04 AM, KayC said:

Try not to go there (into the years ahead), it's way too much for now.  If you think about all of the future it will overwhelm you right now and send you into anxiety and depression.  Try practicing staying in the present moment, it has enough to deal with of it's own.  None of us know our future, so why borrow trouble worrying about what may or may not happen?  Today, stay in today.  And try prayer/meditation.  Start with five or ten minutes at the most...skip the hour long ones, it takes time to train our minds and it may not be possible for you to do a lengthy one at this time.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/meditation-helpful-to-those-who-grieve.html

Excellent advice.  We're not even guaranteed tomorrow.  

[HisLioness]

2 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

We're not even guaranteed tomorrow.

Is it horribly morbid that I wish every minute was my last? All I can think of is getting back into his arms and spending eternity with him on the other side of this madness. Everything about this life just seems so meaningless now.

[Jeff In Denver]

Sadly, I think it's normal to feel that way when we lose the most important person in our life.  They say that grief is love turned inside out.  I believe it.  I am sorry that you have to face this hell, also.

As Claribassist said: "These people were our past, present, and future."

[Jeff In Denver]

23 hours ago, HisLioness said:

I feel so guilty for not being able to save him. I feel like I'm responsible for losing him and this is all my fault. How does a 23 year old with no risk factors die from a PE? He told me felt like ****, like he was getting the flu. I should've known it was something worse. I should've been able to save him The guilt of not doing more is going to kill me. What if he's mad at me? What if he blames me? Does he still love me? Did I disappoint him? Did he know how much he means to me and how much I love him? Could he see me holding his body and crying over him and kissing him?

Today has just been so excruciatingly painful. I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

You are guilty of loving him.  Nothing more.  Please don't blame yourself for not knowing something when you didn't know it.  You acted with the best information you had at the time.  There is no way that he's mad at you, blames you, etc.  And based on what I have read in my research, he still loves you the same as before.

I lost my girlfriend to breast cancer on June 14th of this year.  I won't tell you what a nightmare this has been before and after.  I will say that I did everything I could to save her.   She is the love of my life.  Anyway...

A year and a half ago I drove from Denver to Santa Fe.  I keep myself in good shape.  Vegetarian, I work out every day, etc.  Well, I got a really sharp pain in my lower back.  Kidney stone!  So my girlfriend and I went to have it removed, but they said my vitals were bad.  I had a DVT in my calf that had become a PE!  I don't need to tell you how bad they can be.

Two months later a doctor told me that I was lucky to be alive.  I was thinking:  "Lucky???  Nope.  I wish it had taken me out of the game."  But then I realized something:  At that point my girlfriend would have had to deal with that.  She wouldn't have had my support, and she STILL would have had the breast cancer!

So now, I have been left behind to carry the pain for the both of us.  Hour after hour, day after day...  It doesn't end.  But I would rather be the one suffering than her.  She has suffered enough.  Does that make sense?  

Imagine him if your situation were reversed.

 

 

[HisLioness]

45 minutes ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Imagine him if your situation were reversed.

The thought fucking terrifies me. We talked about everything, of course, but when we would talk about death and what would happen if I went first he would just lose it. He told me point blank that he would go after anyone and everyone until someone took him down. I don't believe for a second that he could've watched them work on me the way I watched them work on him. And honestly I don't think I would've wanted him to see me the way I saw him. No one should have to see the love of their life be coded on but I am thankful for the Dr. who let me stay by his side. I knew they did their best and that meant everything to me to see how hard they tried. 

[Sadaf Nazim]

7 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

 

So now, I have been left behind to carry the pain for the both of us.  Hour after hour, day after day...  It doesn't end.  But I would rather be the one suffering than her.  She has suffered enough.  Does that make sense?  

Imagine him if your situation were reversed.

 

 

This makes perfect sense. I would rather suffer myself than him. I know if he won't die after seeing me like that atleast he would go insane for whole life. I remember when I could not respond to his calls for two days, he drove 36 hours to me just to make sure if I was ok. He could never handle this. All the things that I have witnessed.. the face that I loved kissed and caressed.. It's cut open and sewn with thick thread during autopsy.. All the way from his forehead to the back of his ears to his neck.. His chest, his stomach.. I never imagined I had to see my love like this one day.. His body.. I can't even begin to imagine what would be it's condition right now..

When he drowned, the cops could get him out of the water soon.. But they refused.. Because the river in which he drowned was a border river between two states.. MY dead sweetheart was in water and they were quarrelling about protocols.. 

No..! Why should he suffer all this? Why should he witness all this? It's okay if I had to. 

[Jeff In Denver]

Sadaf, I can't even begin to imagine what you and he went through.  And, again, I am so sorry that it happened.  When I saw my girlfriend in the hospice, I barely recognized her.   You know what kind of agony this is.

So unfair for everyone who has to deal with this.

 

 

[Sadaf Nazim]

49 minutes ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Sadaf, I can't even begin to imagine what you and he went through.  And, again, I am so sorry that it happened.  When I saw my girlfriend in the hospice, I barely recognized her.   You know what kind of agony this is.

So unfair for everyone who has to deal with this.

 

 

This is the worst possible situation anyone can ever be in. I pray no one has to go through this in their lives. We have witnessed the scenes of heLL. Literally. 

[HisLioness]

4:03AM 

I've been up since about midnight. I should be sleeping since I have to be at work in three hours.... but that's not gonna happen. This doesn't feel real. I keep waiting to hear his truck pull up. To see him walk through the door. To feel him wrap me in a huge bear hug and kiss me. To hear him say 'I love you'. To feel him roll over in bed and wrap his arm around my waist to pull me closer to him. 

 

His favorite band is Metallica. I keep hearing these lyrics from 'Fade to Black' over and over in my head...

"I have lost the will to live 
Simply nothing more to give 
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free"

[Jeff In Denver]

On 12/13/2016 at 2:32 PM, HisLioness said:

I would love to contact a medium but I don't even know where to start. I'm so scared that I've disappointed him. I don't know if I can take hearing a medium confirm that. What if he doesn't even want to talk to me? 

There is no way that you have disappointed him.  ZERO chance of that.  Look at your posts and think about the way that you feel about him.   If you haven't heard of the Forever Family Foundation, they are a non-profit, science-based organization that assists people like us.  For what it's worth, they do double-blind tests of mediums.

Please keep in mind that I am a skeptical, no-bullshit kinda guy who would have laughed at this stuff a year ago.  Right I am desperate to contact my girlfriend, and have a session booked with one of their mediums next month.

https://www.foreverfamilyfoundation.org/site/certified_mediums

 

[KayC]

I wish I could have been with my husband when he died but the nurse threw me off the ward and locked the door when he was having that last heart attack and they were working on him.  Maybe they did it to spare me, I don't know, but it has haunted me ever since that we were always there for each other through everything and the one time he really needed me I couldn't be there for him as he transitioned to the next life.  I hope he knows it wasn't by my choice, she literally physically threw me out.

[KayC]

Jeff, everything you said makes sense, I appreciate what you have to say.  I guess we're all lucky to be alive but sometimes it doesn't feel like it when it's so tough to go through.  Still, I'm glad for some of the moments I get to experience.

[Jeff In Denver]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I wish I could have been with my husband when he died but the nurse threw me off the ward and locked the door when he was having that last heart attack and they were working on him.  Maybe they did it to spare me, I don't know, but it has haunted me ever since that we were always there for each other through everything and the one time he really needed me I couldn't be there for him as he transitioned to the next life.  I hope he knows it wasn't by my choice, she literally physically threw me out.

KayC, thanks for your kind comments, as usual.  I am guessing that they kept you out of there to spare you, as you said.  I also believe that your husband knows that.  I think he also knows the way you feel about him.  The fact that you're even on this site says so much...

[KayC]

Thank you, I guess those last moments are the ones that keep replaying.  I can see the truths for everyone else, but for myself...well it still haunts, although I try not to affix too much to it.

[KMB]

From all the spiritual reading I do, we are not supposed to focus on a loved one's passing. It's hard not to though, since our minds keep going there. Whenever I get that image in my head, I hear *stop, don't go there*. Could be my intuition speaking to me.Try to place your focus on how your loved one lived their life, how they would want you to live your life.

Personally, I think about my husband and the full life he had, being of service to others through his job and how we worked well together as a team. At some point down the road, I want to find a way to keep helping people and carry on that legacy.

[KayC]

I think it's natural to think about their passing, it's not like we can wipe it from our memory, it's indelibly etched there, but I think the spiritual advice would be our focus should be on the present moment, since that's all we truly have and since we miss living it if dwell solely on the past or future, there has to be some balance.  Of course that is a guide, I doubt any of us achieve it perfectly, but that's my aim is to live fully in this moment.  It doesn't mean I don't remember my husband, he's inside my thoughts constantly and I do look forward to being with him again...I just choose to live my life as fully as I can in the here and now also.  So it's remembering the past, having hope for the future and living in the present.

[HisLioness]

I've been living in denial. I have gotten so good at pretending this isn't real that sometimes I actually believe it. Then I'll get a bill from the hospital. Or an email from the company I've found to build a custom urn. Or look down at the memorial tattoo that I've started on my arm. And it knocks the wind out of me all over again. I can't stand grocery stores. I went to the mall to get a pair of green converse (his favorite color) today and I got so fucking pissed seeing all the happy couples just strolling around. Everything infuriates me. Nothing feels right. I've been able to function because I refuse to allow my brain to remember the past month. I block it out and all it does is make it that much worse when the wave finally hits. Like, right now I'm blocking. I'm laying in bed pretending like I'll be hearing his truck pull up soon. But it won't. And then I'll start looking at the screensaver slideshow of our pictures and it'll hit me all over again that I'll never get to kiss him or hold him or love on him again. That I'll never have his children. That I can only call myself his wife and not actually BE his wife. That our future was ripped out from under me. I'd give anything in this world just to have my husband in bed next to me right now

I am so fucking angry. And numb. And empty. I can force my shell to exist but my soul, my heart and my compassion is just gone. He was the best part of me and now I feel like I'm nothing. Please, for the love of all things, just let my existence be short. All I want is my husband back. 

[KayC]

I hadn't thought about it, but I guess when my husband died is when I started hating shopping...I started buying on line.  I really hadn't noticed the correlation before, because it happened without conscious thought, but it IS hard seeing all the happy couples together, knowing you'll never do that together again.  It doesn't bother me now like it did in the early months, I've had plenty of time to process my grief and work through it, now I can be glad they still have each other without it having to mean I head straight to resentment that my life has gone differently.  It's like accepting that some people are rich while we struggle.  It is what it is and one does not affect the other.  I know with my head that life is unfair and some people have it made while others (us) do not but I try not to let it affect me unduly.  Gosh if that didn't take time to work through though!

[Chasisdope]

On 12/14/2016 at 2:49 PM, HisLioness said:

Is it horribly morbid that I wish every minute was my last? All I can think of is getting back into his arms and spending eternity with him on the other side of this madness. Everything about this life just seems so meaningless now.

My thoughts exactly. I know myself too, that I'm super sensitive. When I love, I love deeply and get attached. It takes me forever to get over an ex and that's an ex that has left me or has done me wrong. Now, my husband was the perfect man. I'm not just saying it because he's gone. No matter what he did, he put me first. If he was messing around with other girls or not, I would never know because he'd never hurt me. He could have been doing whatever and never ever dare to see me hurt. 

Now, all I want is the end of me. I know I have children and I love them but this pain is just a living hell. I've been wishing to have some kind of cancer that has a speedy mortality rate. He had leukemia and fought it to his last bit. I wish there was something I can say to get us all out of this hurt but there is nothing. Just gotta hang on. And wait to see what is written for us. 

It's been two months and two days for me but the pain is still here. I wish this loneliness and the amount that I miss and think of him would kill me already. I would give anything that I own in my body to be with him on the other side.

[KMB]

Chasis----My heart feels for you----We are in the same deep well where we don't see a way out. I wish to be with my husband also. I know couples that have been together for decades and I see older couples while out taking care of errands, and I think, I hope they know how fortunate they are. Up until a few months ago, I was part of a couple and so thankful of everything that comes with that union. Just have to some how go day by day.

[KayC]

Chasis, two months is still so fresh.  Hang in there and give it time, you really haven't had time to adjust yet.  I know it's extremely painful and you can't see "up" right now.

[HisLioness]

I miss him. I miss his touch. I miss his scent. I miss the way he'd wrap me in a bear hug and kiss me when he got home. I miss when he'd tell me to roll over in bed so he could snuggle up behind me and hold me all night. I miss kissing him at red lights when we'd drive to the grocery store. I miss holding his hand when we'd go places. I miss snuggling with him and watching movies. I miss drinking and playing darts till 3 in the morning. I miss sleeping in late on Saturdays and cuddling in bed till noon. I miss the sound of his voice. I miss having to tell him to turn down his TV because he'd have his video games blasting. I miss our random deep conversations. I miss coming home to a bonfire and him waiting outside to open to gate for me. I miss cooking him dinner and folding his laundry. I miss being his woman. I miss the way he'd look at me when we made love. I miss hearing him say I love you. I miss telling him I love him. I miss his smile and his laugh. I miss the way he'd hold me. I could go on for hours and hours over all the little things I miss, but what I miss most of all is HIM.  I. just. miss. him.

 

All I want is him to walk in the door and tell me this has all been some sick joke and he's really here and he never left me. God, the things I would give to have him back. If only it was that easy. You could take everything I am and everything I own if it meant I can have my husband back. There is no cost too high, no sacrifice to great - I'd give it all up in a heartbeat just to lay on his chest and fall asleep to the sound of him breathing. If there is any grace or mercy in this world then I'll be back in his arms soon. Surely it's evident to the universe that my existence is pointless if he isn't here with me. I don't want to live without him. At this point I'm probably just rambling but damnIt, what the **** am I supposed to be doing? Why the **** am I still breathing if he's not? What the **** is this fuckery and how the **** do I fix it? I'm so angry but I'm so numb. I don't even know how it's possible to be this broken and still be existing. It doesn't make sense. 

[HisLioness]

And damn this fucking censorship. **** isn't even an adequate word anymore for the level of rage within me but it'll have to do. 

[KMB]

HisLioness----So sorry for your pain----let it out, the venting, the emotions. It's ok, we are here for you.It's OK--------

[KayC]

HisLioness,

You expressed what's in all our hearts.  I've lived without intimacy for so long now I'd almost forgotten what it's like...when I read your words, it brought it all back to me.

[NeNeB]

I hate this pain. Three months ago, my boyfriend of two years died a week after the birth of our daughter. He was only 23. I hate the thought of living decades longer without him.  It feels so cruel.

[HisLioness]

1 hour ago, NeNeB said:

 

I hate this pain. Three months ago, my boyfriend of two years died a week after the birth of our daughter. He was only 23. I hate the thought of living decades longer without him.  It feels so cruel.

 

I am so sorry  

My husband was 23 too. You're right, this is beyond cruel. It feels like pure torture. I ask myself every single day why I'm still breathing if he's not. It's just not fair. The only saving grace I have is that everytime I break down he fucks with the radio and plays a song that knocks the wind out of me. The only way I can function is by believing he's still here, watching and waiting until he can come get me and take me home. I'm just praying the day comes sooner rather than later.

 

[Emeliza]

I am not sure if I am grateful or sad about it, probably both, but the despair I feel isn't as fresh as yours.  It has been 4 months and I don't blame myself nearly as often for not noticing he was tired and not feeling well the last few days before his heart attack.  I don't feel as guilty that I am still here, when he was the better person.  I don't spend every moment wishing my life would end somehow.  I don't worry as much that he no longer loves me or doesn't miss me where he is.  Those thoughts still show up, but they are so all consuming and over powering.  Now they are background noise 75% of the time and overwhelming only 25%.  The waves are so often and when they hit, not quite so high.

Don't get me wrong, I miss him with every fiber of my being, but the pain is more familiar and my memories sweeter.  

Once I was loved so fully and deep inside me, I know I still am and will be again.  

I guess I am saying, it gets easier, not better, but easier.  My focus now is keeping myself from becoming someone he wouldn't like.  I have to somehow get past the anger and bitterness because I know he wouldn't like that.  Not sure if this helps at all.

My thoughts are with you and I am so sorry you are suffering so much. 

[KayC]

NeNeB,

I am so sorry, I know it feels indescribably bad, I hope your baby is a bright joy to you and helps you get through this, it is bittersweet to be given such a gift as this and yet lose the most important person to you at the same time.

[Guest]

On 27/12/2016 at 3:49 AM, Emeliza said:

I am not sure if I am grateful or sad about it, probably both, but the despair I feel isn't as fresh as yours.  It has been 4 months and I don't blame myself nearly as often for not noticing he was tired and not feeling well the last few days before his heart attack.  I don't feel as guilty that I am still here, when he was the better person.  I don't spend every moment wishing my life would end somehow.  I don't worry as much that he no longer loves me or doesn't miss me where he is.  Those thoughts still show up, but they are so all consuming and over powering.  Now they are background noise 75% of the time and overwhelming only 25%.  The waves are so often and when they hit, not quite so high.

Don't get me wrong, I miss him with every fiber of my being, but the pain is more familiar and my memories sweeter.  

Once I was loved so fully and deep inside me, I know I still am and will be again.  

I guess I am saying, it gets easier, not better, but easier.  My focus now is keeping myself from becoming someone he wouldn't like.  I have to somehow get past the anger and bitterness because I know he wouldn't like that.  Not sure if this helps at all.

My thoughts are with you and I am so sorry you are suffering so much. 

Hello Emeliza.  My loss type is the same as yours and I too am becoming very bitter and angry and I feel so physically uncomfortable and restlessness.  My husband was a better person and would not be impressed.  How did you reach this level of inner peace, was it a progression you felt happening or something you noticed when looking back?  Regards