My dad died and I don't know how to accept it

[reader]

My father died 8 weeks ago. He was 84. He had a stroke three years ago. I was his primary caregiver. I feel like I failed him. This past year was the hardest. He didn't want to take his meds, didn't want to eat, or shower. I didn't want to fight with him anymore and just let him be. But it turned out to be fatal mistake. He had a series of heart attacks and died. The last two months he was in and out of hospital getting weaker and weaker. He didn't want to go to a nursing home. The last week in the hospital. I told him, we would go home. I told him to hang on. But two days later he died. I gave him some coffee and ginger ale and pudding. I left for work, thinking I would see him the next day. And instead I get a phone call two hours later he had passed. I hate myself. Why didn't I see that he was getting weaker and weaker and do something sooner? I know he was not young, but I honestly thought he would live to 90. I'm trying to read as much as I can and move forward. But I keep replaying this entire year over and over again. Telling myself he didn't have to die. My siblings said he wasn't happy after the stroke. And he wasn't happy being stuck at home. They said he is at peace now. But what about me? My dad is gone and I don't know what to do without him.

[EmmyLou]

Dear Reader,

I know how hard it is when you are the sole caregiver of a parent. It is no easy feat. I think a lot of times we focus of the ailing person and don't consider the needs of the caregiver. They need some TLC too. You had a lot of responsibility and I'm sure you did the best you could on your own. 

All the what ifs, should haves and could haves pop up and make you feel inadequate. We always think there had to be more we could have done. 

I have been feeling so lost and angry today. I know it's part of thee mourning process but I feel like my emotions are out of control and I am a ticking time bomb, waiting to blow up at some unsuspecting. 

Gotta get back to work but deepbreaths...for both of us.

[reader]

Thank you Emmylou for your kind words. I hope with more time, I will gain more perspective and acceptance. I hope.

I hear where you are coming from, I think its only normal to feel angry and lost so soon after losing a loved one. Take care my friend. I will try to take some deep breaths and continue the best I can. I wish the same for you.

 

[Pittiemama29]

Reader i am right there with you. My dad only just passed a little over a month ago in a tragic car accident at 54. There is no known cause as i only just learned this on sunday. I feel even more lost then i did before hand. I am angry with god once again for taking someone so close to me. I dont know what to do without my dad he was everything to me.

[reader]

Thank you Pittiemama29 for your support. My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your father. I'm so sorry. I know this is a terrible time with so much sorrow and pain. I don't think we are ever ready to lose our parents. Thinking of you. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

[Missing Jack]

Hi Reader,

Your dad was very fortunate to have had you. While you may feel like you failed him, I sincerely doubt that is the case. I have worked as a caregiver, and also have experience in that role with my own father, who passed away from cancer in 2009. It is only natural as human beings go, especially those of us who care deeply, love deeply, feel deeply, to quite often feel as though we have failed our loved ones. The truth is, caring for a sick and suffering loved one, although a labor of necessity and love, is physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally draining. Each time I have had the experience, it becomes now what? What just happened? Was this real? What could I have done differently? What could I have done better?

Things left unsaid, questions, questions.

I have tended in life to very hard on myself, my failings, my inability to fix or change things that more often than not, were not within my power. Of course this also meant that just as often, I was very hard on others. In prior years these "feelings" of lacking, or inadequate response  quite often manifested in destructive ways of being. The point is, none of us come into this life, with instruction manuals. Death and dealing with the loss of our loved ones is a journey most of us wish we didn't need to take.. And no matter how we may think we would, or should deal with our loss, there are always unexpected emotions and unpleasant surprises. It is only natural and so very human to look back with regrets and to question our actions, decisions, if only .. But always remember, feelings are feelings, but they are not quite often, fact.

Be good to yourself. Resist the urge to beat on yourself.

Change the narrative. Turn those pesky, nagging inner voices around, and tell them to be gone. You did good, you are good. You took care of your dad, you did your best, and you were wise, and kind and loving enough to let him go, as much as possible, on his own terms. 

Your dad it seems ultimately was a man who knew what he wanted in the end. My dad was the same way. He eventually accepted and was resigned to his fate. He just wanted it over. The pain and the suffering. In that I can find no fault. I have also worked with the very ill, men who were at times extremely angry, to the point that they were really not living, but neither were they dying. Anger it seemed, was the only thing keeping many of them going. I often say, and have learned in my travels, that death is only hard on the living.

Keep writing, keep expressing.

Kindest Regards,

Michael

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[reader]

Dear Michael,

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. You are beautiful writer. I will try to take comfort in your words. I know you are right. But I find it very hard to carry on. I know its not reasonable or even rational to hope that somehow I could have changed the past. Its the first major loss in my life. I know death is a part of the life cycle, but moving forward has been very hard. Hard to accept this new reality. Being at this forum and knowing how much suffering there is, I know I was fortunate to have a dad for as long as I did. Everything is still very fresh in my mind. I will work on trying to change the narrative, but I tend to obsesses and obsesses over things. I'm looking to find a support group in my area and to talk to a therapist. People tell me my dad was ready to transition, but I was never going to be ready. Never. I guess he could have passed at 100 and I would still be devastated. Because he will always be my daddy. I feel so sad that I took our last year together for granted. I guess there will never be any good or satisfying answers for me...or least that is what I feel right now.

Thank you for all your kindness and thoughtful reply. I do sincerely appreciate it. Reader.

 

 

[reader]

Its been three months now since my dad passed. I keep coming back to your words Michael. I read your post to remind myself I must keep carrying on. I must.