Unfinished Business/Estranged Family

[tbeigle72]

Alright, my mother passed away on the 7th of December, 2016. Up to the very day

she passed, we had been estranged since 2001. I did make attempts to reconcile, 

but she never made any efforts. So, now she's gone and I am saddled with unfinished

business. The rest of the family sided with her and the reasons why she turned her back

on me. And because she did and they did.....I left the area, never to return. I have since

been able to "start-up" my life again, and have been happily married for the last 14 years.

So, what do you make of this? She died without trying to re-connect with me, and the family

has , quite frankly become "dysfunctional" per another family member. Ideas?

[reader]

Dear tbeigle72,

 

My sympathies and condolences on the passing of your mother. I have read that writing a letter, or writing in a journal or talking to your mother out loud as if she is in the room to work through your feelings might help. I know its very hard to make the first move when reconciling with family, but if you want to, it never hurts to try again. I'm sure everyone is in shock and its an extremely difficult time especially with the holidays coming up. I'm so sorry, I know its not an easy time. Lots of hugs to you.

[Blktx88]

First off, I'm sorry for your loss. My mother passed 3 days before yours. 

My younger brother is going through a similar situation. My mother made many false promises and hurt us kids many many time over the year. People deal with every situation differently, and for him, being around her made his life harder. He cut most ties with her and lived his life for himself. When she passed away, he too had/has many unresolved feelings. 

Just because you weren't speaking to or close to your mother doesn't mean you don't love her. And it certainly doesn't mean she didn't love you.

Although my mother didn't reach out to my brother, she spoke of him and expressed her love for him to me. My mother felt embarrassed and ashamed for her actions and didn't want to disrupt his life. But I know that she had love and peace in her heart for him. Maybe your family can give you more insight.

If you want to rekindle a relationship with your family, I would explain to your family the struggles you are going through with the loss of her. Let them know that your mother would have wanted you to be closer with your family and that you want to do right by her and have the chance to fill the voids. It may take time, and a lot of effort on your part, but at least you can find the answers you're looking for and possible find peace.

It takes a lot of strength and courage to do what you're trying to do. 

Another way to find peace and closure, would be to have a memorial for her. Invite your family. Let them know that you want to honor her and that you would like them to join you. Let them know that you would like them to attend. If you feel comfortable speaking about your feelings, write out a speech to your mom and read it aloud to everyone. Or, write the letter and read it quietly to her in a place she  found comfort and joy at. Even writing a letter to your family members will show them that you're making an effort. 

Death humbles us, and especially during the days, weeks, and months after your loss. This may be a way to open doors leading you to the closure you need.