My Fiance Was killed over a year ago and i still cannot cope

[Jamesh300]

This is my first post I'm not sure how to open a post. Me and my fiance rosemary had been together since year 8 of secondary school, we met in R.E and it was then that I fell in love with her, I left her a poem every day for 12 days each day with a rose petal with it after the 12 days I let her know who were sending her the poems and I asked her out which she said yes and we had never been apart since. As we got older so 16, 17 we started to travel the world we had been to japan, south pacific islands, Europe, America literally every continent you could think of creating some of the greatest memories of my life my most happiest was the day I proposed to her in Gibraltar she never knew I was going to do it, it was magical you could say, cutting a story short we were going on holiday on the 25/09/2015 I booked a holiday to Dubai and we were flying from manchester airport so we left early in the morning but never expected it to be the day the worst could happen, as were driving through the peak district a drunk driver in a land rover overtook a tractor and ploughed into my fiance's fiesta at 60mph. I never remember mich after that but three months later I woke up in the hospital with two prosthetic hips and a reconstructed pelvis I had not thought anything of it at the time until the news was broken to me that rosemary had dies that fateful day of the 25th. At first I thought people were lying to me I never believed it you could say I was in denial but when her parents showed up to give me a few things that they had received from the police so her engagement ring and the heart pendant we both had got from the south pacific it hit me so hard that moment I died as well. I cried and cried and cried for days the pain was that bad and I'm not talking about the physical pain but my heart was in so much pain I tried to take my own life I had worked out that 32,000mg of paracetamol would have been enough to get it over with quick enough as you can guess I was not successful as it, ha snow been a year but each day does not get easier I still cry myself to sleep every day, I still cry every day when I wake up its just so heart wrenching that i will never hold her, I write this in my diary this morning 

My granddad let me take his car today so all I have done is drive, drive and drive. Been listening to music whilst on my way just kept driving north. with tears running down my face thinking

What if I was driving 
What if I died instead
What if I booked the holiday on a different date 
What if we did not choose that road
What if we left 5 minutes later
What if we left 5 minutes earlier 
What if we were in my car
What if I had never met you 
All these things I think of every day, if any of these had been considered then you may still be here with me today, we may still be together loving one another. This is the problem with a death you never expect you could never plan, prepare, make your self-stronger in time for it, instead it hits you like a ton of bricks dragging you to despair and some quite disparaging points in life. I know I should not say this, I know it may sound selfish but if it was meant to be that you did have to leave early why could I not go with you I cannot bear another day with out you, I miss everything about you. I miss your smell, the sound of your voice, your laugh the touch of your skin, your hair-EVERYTHING but I am also happy that it was you that died that day and not myself, I am happy knowing you never knew such pain and that on your final day, your heart was filled with love and happiness, I'm happy that it is me suffering all of this because I don't know if I could go on knowing that whilst I had died you were the one bearing all the pain I feel with every breath I take, but what hurts the most is all of the what could have been's, what house would we have bought, what kind of family would we have had, how many kids would we have had, and because of one reckless drunk driver we will never know what the rest of our lives had in-store for us.
I am not looking forward to work tomorrow, going to be all alone with my thoughts and with no-one to at least cheer me up, You know who you are  It's also been nice stopping off at a station and sitting there helping a friend, feeling finally useful returning the kindness that I am met with on a daily basis not just taking it as I usually do. I just don't know if I can carry on anymore, it's coming up to Christmas again and whilst I am Jewish so this holiday doesn't mean much to me prior to me dating rosemary it is something that will now always seem so important to me 

[KayC]

James,

I am so sorry you lost your Rosemary.  It is the unfathomable that happened and it takes more time than a year to process it.  It won't always be this intensity, this extreme painfulness, you do adjust and get more used to it, but it takes a lot of time and effort, doing grief work.  I hope you are seeing a professional grief counselor that can help guide you through the maze of grief.  I hope also that you don't try to take your life again, because to do so is to remove all hope of anything getting better for you.  Yes things will never be the same again, it's like we lose an innocence of life, like before we used to think life would always go on like it was, now we know things can change abruptly, thus dividing our life into a "before" and an "after" in the blink of a moment.  I hope they threw the book at the drunk driver, although I know it won't change anything for you, at least get him off the road for others.
I've learned the what ifs and whys don't help, no answer comes.  I've learned to ask instead, what do I do now, and Lord knows that's enough to figure out without a big resounding emptiness to our questions.  Finding purpose was one of my biggest challenges, that took me years.  
One thing that made a huge difference to me on my grief journey was about two weeks after my George's death, I ran across a refrigerator magnet that said, "Find Joy in each new day".  I bought it and have it up still, these 11 1/2 years later.  I began the practice of looking over my day and searching until I found a small joy in it.  The big joy, George, was gone, but I could find small joys if I looked hard enough.  Seeing a deer or elk in my back yard, a stranger's kindness, someone opening the door or letting me merge in traffic, a phone call from a friend or family member, a kitten's purr, seeing a rainbow or a hummingbird (special to my husband and I), all of these constituted my small joys.  Choosing to practice that made a difference in me, in my focus, and began to turn my heart upward instead of all woe and drear and devastation.  Yes I still cried, still had meltdowns, still missed George with everything within me, but a tiny spark existed too.  In the beginning I wanted to crash my car 120 miles per hour into a tree, I'm glad I didn't.  Someday I will be with him, and the wait will melt away as we hold each other once again.

[Sadaf Nazim]

57 minutes ago, KayC said:

 Someday I will be with him, and the wait will melt away as we hold each other once again.

Yes the wait will melt away. What awaits us is sweeter than the bitterness of its longing. 

11 and a half years.. We have a lot to learn from you kayC. Thanks for being with us here.

[Sadaf Nazim]

James

I don't know what to advise you. I lost my childhood sweetheart 4 weeks ago. We were together for almost 13-14 years. I feel like those precious years of my life, suddenly someone has stolen it. 

I don't no how to cope with this sudden disaster. I guess I will just trust. Trust that my destination is the same as his. Trust that I WILL be with him one day.

[Chasisdope]

I asked a lot of the same questions. Especially, what If I didn't meet him? Would he not get the cancer. Did I bring him bad energy? One thing I cannot be okay with is he went before me. He was 22. He was younger and should be living longer and I was to go first. I still wish it were me that was given the diagnose and passed. I always told him that I've been through too much hurt in this world that I can't take anymore. I was dealing with depression and PTSD prior to meeting him but he was the person who helped me get off my meds and now he is gone. On the 20th it'll be two months. Our little 3 year old daughter loves her daddy and misses him more than anything. All I can say is it sucks no matter how many days have already gone by. I hope that I can be with him again one day soon. 

[KayC]

George was younger than me too, I guess age has nothing to do with it.  We think we should get a certain number of years, but that's not how it works.
Sadaf, yes, we proceed on faith that all will work out, that we'll be together again, that our love will continue growing all the stronger for the faith that builds it exercises it.