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Knhedges

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When will I be able to go a day where every single little thing doesn't remind me of Dylan?

I'm talking everything. Doing the laundry made me fall apart because we used to always do it together. Doing the dishes made me want to die because he was always keeping the dishes clean so I wouldn't have to worry about it. The cold weather hurts so much. He used to always warm my car up for me in the morning before work. All I want to do in this weather is cuddle up and I have no one to cuddle up to now...

I think about organizing baby stuff since I'm due next month, but that is absolutely miserable to do because every piece of baby clothing I pick up, all I can think is he will never see this. He will never hold our daughter while she is wearing it.

Can't go to any stores because something as small as sparkling cider sets me off. He loved that stuff. We would buy a bottle of sparkling grape juice and drink it all in 15 minutes.

Every. Single. Little. Thing. People tell me I need to stay busy, I need to get out, I need to see friends. Driving nearly sends me into a panic because all I can see in my head is Dylan crossing the street and getting hit by a car. I see it over and over again and I wasn't even there when it happened. I don't want to see friends because they are all in their happy lives with their happy families. And like I said, distracting myself is a joke because everything reminds me of him.  I try to think of things we didn't do together but the list is extremely small.

I still want to take my daughter to see santa at the mall but I KNOW that I won't be able to handle it, and I would rather my 4 year old not see her mommy have a meltdown in the middle of the mall.

When will I be able to just go about the everyday, normal motions of life again? I wish I could function for my daughter. She is so bored, I can see it. She wants to play, she wants to get out, but all I can do is sit here and struggle to breathe.

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So sorry for what you are going through. We've all been there. Everything is a memory trigger. My husband and I spent many years 24/7 together.

Just breathe---take your time.  Eventually, something will nudge you to interact with your daughter, she needs her mom. Next month, Dylan's baby will need a mom. It'll work out.

Pray for strength and we'll pray for you too. The journey of grief is long, it'll last a life time. But it will get easier, less painful, over time.  Grief is hard work, I'm still struggling myself. but we are here for you.

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8 hours ago, Knhedges said:

All I want to do in this weather is cuddle up and I have no one to cuddle up to now...

I relate to this so much right now. I'd sell my soul to be cuddled up on the futon with my husband watching Deadpool for the millionth time. 

I clearly don't have any wisdom or advice but I can commiserate with you :/ 

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Knhedges, 

I understand you. I am going through this too. Even though we were not married or living together, my whole home is full of his memories everywhere. His quotations are written everywhere on the walls, on the wardrobe, on the guitar.. All my school certificate is written by him.There's not a single thing that doesn't remind me of him. All my notebooks are full of his drawings and poems, and you know he was so cute that he used to put his signature on every dress that I wore.. Every single one of them from my childhood. 

And now. Everything about him is still here. Except him. 

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It is so true.  The memories are everywhere, even after all these years.  The only thing different is I've gotten more used to it.  It doesn't stab me with that unquenchable pain like it did at first...somewhere along the way it settled down to a dull roar.  I get through my day, sometimes it's a struggle.  Sometimes it threatens to pull me under.  But I keep going.  My family has no clue how hard this is for me, even now, even still.  It takes incredible strength to keep going.
 

You will do it for your kids.  I pray you find some joy in them, that you can live again, even just a little, because they need you to.

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11 hours ago, KayC said:

You will do it for your kids.  I pray you find some joy in them, that you can live again, even just a little, because they need you to.

Thank you. I'm trying to just force myself to do normal things again... I just went out to try and Christmas shop for my daughter but after being there 10 minutes my hands were shaking and I was having heart palpitations. Its horrible being pregnant and dealing with this. I have nothing I can take to calm me down, I just have to deal with it. Got out of there as fast as I could and sobbed the whole way home, and continued sobbing in the parked car once I got home for about 20 minutes. Not sure how much more of this I can handle. I was pretty numb all day and it just hit me all at once. It's like my brain tries to trick me, tries to act like he's just somewhere far away and soon enough I'll be able to see him again. But then it just hits me that no, this is it.  He is gone. His body is no more. He is ashes in an urn. I'll never talk to him again.

I was hoping to have a "decent" day today but my "decent" day has turned into a night of horror. Wish I could just take something and knock myself out..

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I'm so sorry, Knhedges. I know that with me, I had to take baby steps to leave the house. Go somewhere for a little bit. Try it again a few days later. Being somewhat consistent has been helping me. I can't hide in the house and keep myself isolated, otherwise, I'm afraid someone will stop in and call someone to have me taken away to a hospital. Then I picture my husband shaking his head and rolling his eyes at me like he would if I was balking at something I didn't think I could do.

Is there a friend or family member that can pick up gifts for your daughter? Do you do online shopping? That's a good way to avoid stores for awhile until you feel more up to getting out in the public areas.

Hugs to you---hang in there.

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Knhedges, I'm so sorry for your loss, your situation, and the immense amount of suffering and anxiety you must be going through. 

My wife had post-partum depression which hit her severely and rapidly 1.5 months after giving birth.
Prior to that, she was the most genuine, the most positive, the most perfectionist, the kindest person (and nurse) I know.
We looked forward to welcoming our baby to the world, and it was the happiest time of both our lives. 

But the anxiety and depression hit.
Her sources of anxiety included difficulty breastfeeding, high self-expectations, baby's cow's milk protein allergy, C section pain, etc.
She closed herself off to others.  She tried to push her best friends, her family, even me away.
She was resistant to counseling. 
She became a completely different person.

Knhedges, as a healthcare professional who just lost my wife to post partum anxiety & depression, I truly feel and worry for you.

You need to surround yourself with people who support you.  You need to see your doctor Very regularly before and after giving birth. 
You will need a referral to Reproductive Mental Health Team (or something equivalent) that deals specifically with Peri-partum anxiety and depression.
You need to be open about sharing how you feel.  Talk, Talk, Talk. 

We're all here for you, but you also need others physically with you, and professionally looking after your well-being.
You WILL get through this, and emerge stronger.

 

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Knhedges---Take the words of KC81 to heart. Take care of yourself, your well being and health are very important, before , during and after the birth of your Dylan's baby. Your children are going to need their mom. Find someone to help you---Dylan would want the best for you and your children.

Please keep posting and keep us updated----we know how hard the daily struggle is----we are praying for you and your family.

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13 hours ago, KMB said:

Is there a friend or family member that can pick up gifts for your daughter? Do you do online shopping?

That's what I was thinking.  Amazon, eBay, WalMart on line, they're good ways to shop.


Maybe start by taking your daughter for an ice cream cone.  Just a few minutes.  Another day maybe try taking her to a park or someplace she can have fun, even if only a half hour.  Her needs have to be considered too, she's just a child.  Also, get your mom to take your daughter out too, maybe a play date with another child, or preschool.  Her social interaction is really important right now.


Yes, it'd be easier to take a pill to wipe out all our pain, but then you wouldn't get any further on your grief journey so that's not an answer either.  Have you tried meditations to help you through the anxious times?  Prayer and meditation have helped me, although I admit the first year I was good at neither, life was a blur.  It's not about being good at it though, it's just to keep making that attempt, eventually you'll have a breakthrough.


Keep coming here, we're here for you, even if only to listen and care.  Do something good for yourself.  


Here is a site with meditation links posted, they're spread throughout the posts, so you have to search for the links, but they're there.  I especially like the shorter ones, I'm not into sitting still for an hour. :)
http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/7778-meditation/&

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Knhedges 

I too want to advise you to take good care of yourself now. Be around your best friends or family or anyone. Don't be on your own too much. I know it's hard. But try to be around people. Try to keep your self engaged in something. 

Even Though I am having a hard time myself, I am really worried about you and your baby.

Knhedges this is a blessing, a gift of God's and Dylan's. Welcome it with smile. 

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Thank you for all the kind words. They mean more to me than you all will ever know. I go to my midwife every two weeks and she tells me she's keeping an eye on me through Facebook lol.... I plan on going on antidepressants and anti anxiety medication after the baby is born, and I have my first appointment with a counselor tomorrow, so we will see how that goes.

 

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I hope you are seeing a professional grief counselor.  They know more about grief and its affects than a doctor, it's their specialty, what they've devoted their life to.  When we're grieving we have depression-like symptoms but that's not the same as a chemical imbalance caused depression that requires medication.  Sometimes I think doctors (and patients) are quick to treat with drugs what we need to work out in our grief work.  We are an impatient society and we want instant results, but that's not always what's best for us.  Sometimes we have to be patient with ourselves and put in the grief work, and that takes time and much great effort, there are no shortcuts.  Sometimes I worry that people mask their grief with the bandaid of medication because they want to avoid the pain.  But the grief is still staring them in the face when they come to, and the work still needs to be done.  Before going on medication, please make sure you talk with your grief counselor about it...all counselors are not the same or equal, only a professional grief counselor is specially trained in grief.

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My first meeting with my counselor went okay. I liked her. I felt a little better immediately after the session but of course by the time I got home I was right back to wanting to die.

My daughter has been begging me to take her out to eat at this Chinese buffet down the street for weeks. I kept putting it off because Dylan loved when we would all go eat Chinese... Finally told her we could go today and I could barely even eat. They said us at a booth and my daughter wanted to sit next to me. So I am sitting at this booth next to my daughter staring at the empty seat in front of me where Dylan should be..

Nothing is good anymore.

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Now I've locked myself in the bathroom at home and am falling apart while my daughter entertains herself in the living room. This is just too much. And it's always when I'm flipping out that I try to reach out to anyone. I text anyone I can think of. And none of them text me back until an hour or so later. No one is here when I NEED them to be here and I know it's not their fault they have lives and jobs and their main concern is not me. The only person whose main concern was me was Dylan...

I don't even know what the point in posting here is. I'm just so desperate for anything to lessen this pain just a little, enough that I feel like I can catch my breath. I'm drowning and no one is here to save me anymore.

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Knhedges---Glad to hear your first counselor meeting went fine. How often will you be seeing her? After a few meetings, you should be able to notice if she's right for you. So sorry about the downer you went into after you got home---I've been there. I've only been to a few support group meetings, I forgot about the one at the beginning of this month. I had had a sad, depressing day and went to bed early. I glanced at the clock at one point and realized it was 7pm. Oh crap, was the meeting tonite or is it next week? I called the hospice where the meetings are held the following afternoon, sure enough, I had missed the meeting. The group leader was glad I had called. She thinks I might need a grief therapist. But in the limited area I live in, there are none available, she wasn't even able to make a suggestion.So, I've been trying to get through the days with only a few people to talk to here and there. Everyone has different schedules, busy lives.

You are doing the right thing to come on here when the emotions are intense and you don't know what to do to get away from the pain. Just breathe---take several deep breaths until you feel a little release. I know how hard this is for you---virtual hugs to you!

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Knhedges, hang in there.  
How I've been dealing with the loss of my dear wife, was KNOWing (and I did Feel several times already) that her soul lives on, and is without pain or suffering.  I KNOW that she's watching over me and our baby, and that she still have so much love for us.   She would want me to be happy, to live well, and to take good care of our child, until the day our souls meet again in heaven/land of eternal happiness (and we will). I also KNOW that she'd be super Mad at me if I were to follow her Now.   I better continue to do things that won't disappoint her, or I'll get a good scolding (or worse)  when it's time for our souls to meet.   I believe that the love and connection between us never died.  The bond remains, sort of like a long-distance relationship or connection.  We all have our length of time existing physically in this world, but our souls and the connections are eternal.  

I'm halfway into an easy-to-read book called "Looking into the Windows of Heaven"  by Fara Gibson.  It echoed my own beliefs and brought me a lot of hope and solace. 

Our partners are physically not here, but their souls lives on in a different dimension ("Heaven") where there is no negativity.
We need to draw strength from all the people who care for us, from the higher-being (of your belief system), from our higher-self.

Take slow big breaths as KMB said.  Practice meditation and self-calming techniques.
Call out to your supports, and engage professional help.

Take care Knhedges, even though our stories are all unique, we're all on this journey together. 

 

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Knhedges 

Listen to the advices of Kmb and Kc81. You're in a very critical situation now. You have to pull your self together for your baby. I know it's tough. I can't even take care of my own self right now let alone taking care of another soul. But you have to. You are a strong and wonderful girl. You are Dylan's baby. You have to take care of yourself. Right?

Imagine if he would be watching you like this.. How much helpless and agonised he would feel.. I know you won't want to feel him that way. 

Take care of yourself sweetheart. We all can feel your pain. It's like they have died once and we will die everyday for the rest of our lives. But we also have to fulfill all those promises we made to them. 

Remember, they will always be with us, in ways we can't comprehend. 

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knhedges,

I don't have anyone here for me on an everyday basis.  They are busy with their lives, jobs, husbands.  I have a life too, but there are times I really need someone, NOW!  I have experienced the reaching out and no one answering when I needed them to.  I realize they'll get back to me when they can, be it hours or days.  That doesn't mean no one cares about me, but I'm not part of their everyday world.  I've made close friends only to lose them too eventually.  It's part of my world now.
I'm glad your session went well.  Your meltdown may have been an emotional reaction to it, but that doesn't mean it will happen every time, your body is still trying to adjust to so much at once, little by little it will seep in and it WILL adjust and cope eventually.  Right now it's like it's overreacting, much like driving alone and swerving for a deer in the road and wrecking because you overcorrected.  Eventually we get better at this.  Right now the very thought of getting better at this is abhorrent to you because you haven't had time to absorb any of this.

Keep trying, you have to, you have a beautiful little girl out there that needs you.

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It's just so hard. I am missing him so much, but what really sets me off is just wanting to have someone to talk to. My life did a complete 180.  I went from having him there for me any time of the day, to text all day at work and tell about everything that's going on.... To having no one.  Sure, I could text my mom. It would go something like this. "Having a rough day today" and her reply would be "I'm sorry."  that's it. The end. I know, because I've tried. Same with the 3 other people that I know to text. "I'm sorry."  I hate it.  I know there isn't really anything to say right now that is going to help but when people say "I'm sorry" I just want to scream back yeah, me freaking too!

Then I have a friend who is a real good friend. She's helped me out a lot with things through the years and is always there when I need her. But anytime, and I mean ANY time I text her about this all I get are "these things take time" or "you have a piece of him in you" or "he'll always be with you" I know they're supposed to make me feel better but they don't. They make me feel worse. Because I don't want pieces of him. I don't want him in my heart. I want him in my arms! Not to mention that yeah, these things "take time"... Years! Years and years and I'll still be stuck with this horrible emptiness. 

I'm stuck at work right now trying to get through an anxiety attack. Just sitting here shaking and having heart palpitations. Super fun time, and no one to talk me through it... Can't even turn to meds because I can't take any of them. Everyone tells me how good it is that I'm back at work. Well I have news for them, it's not good for me. It isn't helping me at all. It isn't taking my mind off of anything. It's making it worse, honestly. 

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Jeff In Denver

I know what you mean about the need for having someone to talk to.  We used to call or e-mail each other 20 times per day.  We had our own inside jokes.  We get used to that, and losing is devastating.

I also get what you mean about the anxiety attacks.  You might talk to your doctor about that.  They gave me a prescription that I use when it gets really bad.  Let me know if you need the name of the medicine.

Most of the people we know have not had this happen to them.  They don't have any idea how much we're hurting.

 

 

 

 

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5 minutes ago, Jeff In Denver said:

 

I also get what you mean about the anxiety attacks.  You might talk to your doctor about that.  They gave me a prescription that I use when it gets really bad.  Let me know if you need the name of the medicine.

 

 

 

I know exactly what I need but I can't take any of it because I'm pregnant.  Next month when this baby is born I plan on being pumped full of meds but right now there is literally nothing I can take that helps besides buspar, which is supposed to help anxiety but I've been taking it for almost 4 weeks and it's a joke. Might as well be taking a sugar pill... 

:( I know pills won't cure me but I don't know how to cope with the anxiety and honestly I would rather feel numb for the rest of my life than have to feel this pain for one more day.

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Knhedges---I know you don't want to hear right now another *I'm sorry*---but I truly am. I know where you are coming from, the same place I'm in. Focus on breathing, slowly inhale deeply and focus on it. Hold for a few seconds and focus on the slow exhale. Do this several times.More if you need to. Whether you are at home or work, if possible, go outside to do this deep breathing. Fresh air and the change in scenery might be more helpful. Maybe keep a small paper bag with you for when the anxiety attacks get extreme---breathing into the paper bag with the opening folded around your mouth is also helpful. It'll keep you focused and from hyperventilating which can be physically harmful to you and the child you are carrying. Try to keep in mind that your daughter needs you to be a stabilizing presence in her life and that Dylan left you with the gift of his baby. Dylan is no longer here physically but his loving spirit is always with you. When you are able to throughout your day, find a quiet spot and remain still, allow your mind clear to out the negative and try to receive the positive, loving thoughts that pop in. Those loving, positive thoughts are Dylan sending you comfort.

It's not easy finding someone to talk to you or just to listen when you immediately need someone. Work on being your own best friend. When no one is immediately available, do a role reversal. Talk to yourself with the words you would like to hear. A couple weeks ago, I was having a depressing couple of days when no one was available to me. I spent a lot of time writing to my husband, pouring out my heart. It was good therapy for me getting those emotions down on paper. Because I believe in the afterlife and my husband is with me in spirit, I feel he was hearing me when I was writing to him. Afterwards, I felt a peacefulness and calmness. Can't explain the how or why of it.

You have come this far already, you have an inner strength that is seeing you through. The responsibility and love for your daughter is giving you that inner strength and your unborn child is giving you strength.

Please keep us updated---sending you prayers and hugs,

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I know no words can describe what you're going through. I can't find the right words for myself also. I get anxiety attacks and PTSD. I used to be in medications but my husband was the one to help me off of them so I'll never turn back to it. I always have red & white wine in my fridge. I drink a small glass when I have dinner so that it helps me sleep. Never more than a glass. I don't want to ruin myself because I know how much my husband loves me and the children. 

I don't know if you believe in the after life and things like this but I do and I rather believe it. I remind myself that my husband can check in on me anytime and he would be so hurt to see me torture myself. I try not to let it take over me but unfortunately it does a lot of the times. Have you had dreams of him yet?

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Jeff In Denver

People say that those who have crossed over wouldn't want us to be sad and to know that we're suffering.  But that's not their call.  It's not like we're making a choice to feel destroyed, that we want this pain.  The fact is that our sadness is the result of our love for them.  The more that we love them, the harder it is.

If you hear that the guy at the hardware store has died, you'd feel a little bad, but you would probably not be thinking about that in the next hour.  Compare that to losing your life partner.  Not even close.  As I like to say, grief is love turned inside out.

I am not saying that they want us to be in this condition, but I'd like to think that they at least understand it.  It's just the way it is.  I wonder how they would feel if we shrugged it off like it wasn't that big of a deal?

It is a big deal.

 

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1 hour ago, Chasisdope said:

 

I don't know if you believe in the after life and things like this but I do and I rather believe it. I remind myself that my husband can check in on me anytime and he would be so hurt to see me torture myself. I try not to let it take over me but unfortunately it does a lot of the times. Have you had dreams of him yet?

I very much believe in life after death. I just hope and pray that he is waiting for me on the other side when it's my time..

I have dreamt of him, yes. Three times now.  Once he didn't say anything to me, just gave me a sad smile.  The next time he was dead, I knew he was dead, but he was there with me. He hugged me. I asked him to stay with me, to watch over me and his daughter when she's born, he promised he would... Third dream was just us doing our every day normal life stuff.

The dreams help me as I wake up. I feel peaceful. It might last an hour, two if I'm really lucky, but then it's gone. I believe he is still with me, I believe that he is capable of showing me signs that he is still around. But oh, god, it just isn't enough. His hugs, his comfort, his beautiful green eyes, his goofiness, his touch... It's none of that, and that is all I want right now. 

I wish knowing he is always with me in spirit was enough. I wish knowing he's in my heart, and that I carry a piece of him with me (our unborn daughter) was enough.  But none of it is enough :( and I pray one day I get to a place where I can handle the fact that this is all I have left of him. But today, 6 weeks and 1 day after his death, I'm no where near that place. I am so far in the dark.

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Oh my! I feel exactly the same way when I wake up from my dreams. I've had a few. And I'll feel so much joy upon waking up because I know he's still around. I have had the same thought. Thinking, is this all I have left to go on...

I know that those are what they call visitation dreams. I know my husband is still worried about us and loves us so much. I can feel it in my dreams when he appears. In the dreams, we're aware of the situation but it's like we're still upset about the separation. 

I believe that he's always there with you. And he'll definitely be there for doctor's appointments and especially the birth. I truly believe so.

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20 hours ago, Knhedges said:

"Having a rough day today" and her reply would be "I'm sorry."  that's it. The end

Maybe try a different form of communication.  Try calling her.  Or meeting her for lunch.  I bet you'll get a whole lot more response.
 

 

20 hours ago, Knhedges said:

ANY time I text her about this all I get are "these things take time" or "you have a piece of him in you" or "he'll always be with you" I know they're supposed to make me feel better but they don't.

The truth is, there's nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better.  If I challenged you to come up with a response to someone in the same situation, I bet you'd have a hard time coming up with anything meaningful.  In reality, our lives were turned upside down and nothing will change that.  It's taken me so much time and effort to process George's death and even way longer to find any purpose or meaning in life without him.  But I kept working at it, I didn't give up.  I know how hard it is, I know the temptation to throw in the towel, but we really can't, there's no benefit to that.  We have to figure a way to make this not only bearable for ourselves, but to find meaning in living.  It's a tall order, but we're the only ones who can do it for ourselves.  A counselor can point us the way and guide us and recommend books and help so much, but in the end, it's us that has to do the grief work.

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15 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

People say that those who have crossed over wouldn't want us to be sad and to know that we're suffering.  But that's not their call.  It's not like we're making a choice to feel destroyed, that we want this pain.  The fact is that our sadness is the result of our love for them.  The more that we love them, the harder it is.

I am not saying that they want us to be in this condition, but I'd like to think that they at least understand it.  It's just the way it is.

This is so true!  Of COURSE they don't want us to be sad!  But my George would be the first to understand all that I feel and go through.  I think his heart would break for me and he'd want to comfort me.  It's so hard having this veil of transition between us!  I continue in faith, faith in our love, faith that we'll be together again, faith that this isn't just "it".

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I really don't think I should be back at work. Everyone is saying it's better for me to be working but they don't know. They just think they know. I'm a nurse. Every day I have patients asking me when I'm due, and asking how excited I am... They mean well, I know. They don't know any better. But oh, it hurts so badly. I want to be excited, but excited is a positive emotions and right now there isn't one positive emotion anywhere within me.

Then I have the fact that the detox wing is right in front of the nurses station where I sit... The same detox wing Dylan went to I'm September to get clean. To start a clean life for the first time in 10 years, to get better for me and his baby. I see people going to visit their loved ones and it hurts. I see people coming out to go home and it hurts. It all hurts.  People going to start their new lives... Dylan was on that road. He was finally on that road and he was doing so well... 

Being here is not good for me. It doesn't keep my thoughts from him, it keeps them focused on him. And then when I have crazy patients all I want to do is text him about it because that was the norm. I always texted my crazy stories to him. Now I have no one to tell them to.  I get a text now and I look and it's a coupon from papa John's pizza... I don't even get texts from real people anynore, except for his mom. And I am grateful that I am close with her. She is the only person I can pour my heart out to that understands. But she sleeps all day and is up all night, where as my work day begins when I wake up at 5 am... I'll just keep looking and looking, brainstorming, thinking surely there is someone who would want to hear from me, who would want to talk to me. But when I reach out, no responses.

I give up.  Really.  I'm just going to have to get through it until the baby gets here and then medicate myself So that I'm as close to numb as I can get. Then I'm just going to have to learn to deal with the fact that I am forever going to be miserably lonely and empty. I don't really see those feelings ever going away, or getting better, even after times goes on and the grief dies down some... 

I don't do well alone. And now I'm alone forever.

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Knhedges--You are not alone--you have us on this forum. You WILL move through this hard time and come through even stronger. I worry about you. When yours and Dylan's baby is born next month, that baby will fill your heart with love and a reason to continue. With my beliefs in the afterlife, I feel Dylan will hold that child before the birth. He will be there in spirit every step of the way with you and his childs life. I sincerely hope you do not keep yourself medicated to stay numb after the birth of your baby. You will need all of your senses about you to care for that child. Medications would block the grief. While that seems like the answer, grief has to be worked through, if you want to see yourself coming through and honoring Dylan with being a mom to his child. You are not going to feel forever lonely and miserable----your baby and Dylan's love are going to be miracles for you.

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I appreciate all of you so much. I'm just having a bad day. My days at work are the worst it seems. I try to not think about the future but that's nearly impossible. I'm having a baby in a month, how can I not think about the future? And I try to just think about a month in the future but it snowballs and I start thinking about this baby growing up not knowing her daddy and me being alone forever and it just keeps snowballing until I'm sitting here hyperventilating. 

Thank you all for listening to all of my crazy crying and rambling and self pity. I was always afraid of if I lost someone really important to me because I wasn't sure I would be able to handle it. I'm not an independent person.  I need someone to lean on at all times... It is just the way I am. When I was 14 I got with my ex husband. Married him at 21. Marriage wasn't horrible but wasn't the best. Dylan came into my life in April of 2015, when I was 24. In June I started going through my divorce.  

I am 26 now. In my adult life (hell, even my adolescent life) I have never been alone. I found in Dylan what I had never known with my ex husband. I never even knew such a love existed. It came, it swept me off my feet, and now it's gone.

So now, not only an I alone for the first time ever, but I also am very aware of what I will be missing out on for the rest of my life.  Its a really big pill to try and swallow..

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We all have bad days, but as time goes on, for me at least, I try to find some good out of the day. Winter is here now, where I live. I had to shovel 4 inches of snow this morning. Bittersweet, because my husband is not here, he would have been out plowing while I do my share with the shovel.He would have had the wood stove going in the garage to *help* the snow slide off the metal roof. I haven't been able to do that yet. Maybe I will if the snow piles up on the roof too much. It'll be a tribute to my husband to carry on that legacy. I just pictured him beside me smiling and encouraging me while I was shoveling. I watched the falling snow yesterday and realized I still find it as pretty as I always did. A positive thing that I took with me at the end of the day.

You do not need to think about the future or even a month ahead. Just think about today and putting one foot in front of the other. The future will unfold on its own. Your baby will know her father. She'll know because you will tell her stories and show her pictures. Your baby will have her father in her, through mannerisms, her smile or her eyes. She will have him in her heart and soul.

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You know my husband's ICU doctor was kind of an ass. I've only met and spoke with him the day my husband passed. When I asked to speak to a dr., he walked in with both hands on his hips! And he seemed agitated and all sorts of bad vibes from him. Anyhow, after he explained my husband's last moments to me, I finally thanked him and told him I appreciated it. I can totally feel frustration from him but I didn't know what it was and didn't want to ask or make my struggle more important than his so I just left it as that. But what I'm trying to say is, you just never know what someone else may be going through. You being a nurse, I don't think patients would ever start to think what your day may be like because you're supposedly there for them. I'm glad I didn't give him a hard time.

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Chasis, 

You are so very wise!  It's true, that we never know what someone else is going through and how that might color their responses to us.  It's good to let their responses lie with them and we just deal with our own.

Knhedges,
As KMB said, today is enough to deal with...and I also think they're here, just unable to be here for us physically, which was so much a part of our existence with them.  Still it's nice to think about them watching over us in whatever way they can.  You will carry on his memory to your children.  My dad died when I was pregnant with my first child, and I tried to help my kids know their grandpa, who was so important to me, through the stories I told them about him, and in relating how he was and how proud he'd be of them.

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Today, for the first time since my Dylan died, I got a break from the continuous tidal waves of excruciating pain.  Yes, I have still shed tears today, but not quite as many. Today I was able to tell a story about Dylan and laugh instead of break down in the middle of it. I know that this is temporary, and that more than likely the tidal wave of agony will hit me first thing in the morning, but it has been a relief to be able to catch my breath for the first time in over 6 weeks...

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2 hours ago, Knhedges said:

Today, for the first time since my Dylan died, I got a break from the continuous tidal waves of excruciating pain.  Yes, I have still shed tears today, but not quite as many. Today I was able to tell a story about Dylan and laugh instead of break down in the middle of it. I know that this is temporary, and that more than likely the tidal wave of agony will hit me first thing in the morning, but it has been a relief to be able to catch my breath for the first time in over 6 weeks...

Knhedges 

I am really happy for you.  May all your excruciating pain be lessened. May God give you peace of mind and heart. May He give you and all of us the courage to sail through this vast black ocean called life. 

I am proud of you knhedges. And I know,  Dylan too would be very proud of you. Take care of yourself and Dylan's baby. 

Lots of love and hugs to you.

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Knhedges,

I'm glad for you, it helps to have a respite, it makes life more tolerable, and you need that.

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