Rescued kitten died

[Marie70]

Two days ago I found a lost kitten in a storm. She was about 6 weeks old and very thin, weak and sick so I immediately rang the local shelter to come and collect her the next day. I have other cats so I felt I couldn't keep her. I had her overnight and gave her some food and cuddles and let her sleep with me. She was very affectionate even though she was so weak and she seemed to be missing her mother. The shelter couldn't give us a time they were coming and I was worried about her so in the morning we quickly took her to our local vet to see if we could help her until the shelter ambulance came. The vet told us she had the flu and that if it was them taking her they would put the cat down because they don't have the resources to heal and re-home a sick animal. Which is why I wanted her to go to a shelter where they could assess her and maybe get her well enough to be adopted. So they gave her some flu medication and we thought we could give the rest to the shelter staff when they came. While this was happening we missed the shelter collection so I arranged for them to come again the next day. So I had another night of bonding with this kitten. She was so vulnerable. She really seemed to need cuddles and closeness, so I just cuddled her all night and fed and cared for her.

Anyway, the shelter people came yesterday. While they were taking her the kitten seemed a bit distressed. She was reaching at me through the bars of the cat basket and meowing a little bit, but I felt I was doing the right thing and what was best for her and my own cats. But then overnight I had more time to think about it and decided that I could adopt her if they could get her health back. So I rang them this morning to see how she was going and to tell them that I was willing to adopt her, but they told me that unfortunately she died overnight. They didn't euthanize her, she just died. She was so weak. I'm utterly devastated and feel so guilty. She died all alone and scared in a cage in a dark room just like where we found her underneath a house, when she could have at least been in a warm bed with people holding her and caring for her. I feel like I made all the wrong decisions and that I've let her down. I could have given her a chance at life but I sent her away to die alone and scared. Even if she was sick maybe being with people would have made her stronger. Maybe the stress of going to the shelter is what made her give up. I could have kept her at home and given her the flu medication instead of sending her away. I'm struggling to deal with the guilt of that. That my wrong decision resulted in her dying all alone.

I've found other lost animals and surrendered them and been OK but for some reason I developed a very strong emotional attachment to this kitten. It felt like I gave away one of my own pets after I sent her off, which is why I rang back this morning to claim her. The grief is almost as intense as when my 17 year old dog died. But at least with her she had a long, happy life and a peaceful death surrounded by loved ones. This kitten died alone in the dark as a result of my decision. I'm really struggling with the guilt and deep sadness of that and would appreciate your help. I can't even claim her body to bury peacefully and say I'm sorry. She's already been disposed of. I feel so terrible and guilty.

[KayC]

You are lamenting that you made the wrong decision, yet you made the best decision with the knowledge you had at the time.  You could not possibly have known she'd die so soon!  Many people would have left her outside alone, but you took her in and even took her to the vet at your cost.  You were trying to give her the best possible chance at life, that of being adopted by people who didn't already have a bunch of cats, people who had the time to devote to her.  It's not your fault.  She had the time cuddling with you and I'm sure she appreciated that.  Many cats go away to die, they want to be alone when they do it, and she may have felt that way too.

[Marie70]

Thanks for your response KayC. I do have a tendency to ruminate and think 'what if I did this or that? What did I do wrong?' and think about the sadness of it, all that lost potential, the life she could have had. I couldn't accept that the kitten died alone because she was all alone for two days underneath our neighbour's house before we caught her. We could hear her but we couldn't get to her. When we finally got her she was so vulnerable. Her eyes were stuck together, she was starving and so desperate for help and affection. Then I sent her away, I thought to die alone in the dark by herself and I felt so heartbroken for her.

But I've since been able to speak to the staff member from the shelter who came to get her. She was so helpful. She spoke directly to the vet who treated her for me so that I could know what happened to her after she arrived. I found out that she was not alone at all. Like me, all the staff members at the shelter became very attached to her very quickly. She was such a sweet little thing. And she had a lot of love and cuddles from them before she passed away. She was also put on a drip and painkillers so when she died she would have felt no pain and been a little bit out of it, so she didn't suffer. They told me that she was beyond help. She would have needed to be found weeks before if she was to have any chance. She had the flu, calisi virus, respiratory problems and severe dehydration that could not have been helped in time no matter what any of us did. That has given me a sense of peace. That we all did our best and that no one was to blame (except for the person who dumped her). And most of all that she died in peace with love and care, which was all I wanted her to have after her awful suffering alone without her mother and no-one to take care of her.

So I feel much better now although still very sad and grieving. I'm going to plant a white rose in my garden to remember her by. It's strange. I've found many lost animals in my area. It's a terrible area for dumped animals, but apart from my own cats I've never gotten so attached to a lost animal like I did with her. She was a very special little cat and the shelter staff thought so too. I also thought it was a very good point you made that most animals want to be alone when they die. I didn't think of that. I think sometimes humans can project our own emotions onto animals and feel for them through our own lens, but they're very resilient and have their own ways of dealing with life and death. So anyway, thank you for your thoughts and support. I really appreciate it. I'll move on but I'll never forget her.

[KayC]

It sounds like your place in her life was to bring her comfort and care for the time she was with you, and that you did.  It is sad that such a little one dies without having a chance at life, it happens too much.
I adopted a cat 11 years ago that had been abandoned here (I live in the country), she was so beautiful, I couldn't understand anyone doing that.  I lost her six months ago.   I never even knew her age because she was an adult and had had kittens and then been spayed, so who knows how old she was.  I wonder about her life before me.  I also adopted another cat ten years ago and she was ten when I got her.  She had a very hard life before me, she lived in a trailer court in Portland, with crack addicts, people adopting and abandoning her right and left.  I promised her a forever home and she's with me still and loving it.
All of God's creatures are so deserving!  I feel this little kitten got the best when she hailed your attention and got to die in peace, and know what it was to be taken care of.

[Missing Jack]

Hello Marie,

I'm glad you got information about your rescue kitten, and that you are feeling better. Your story reminded me of one of my own.

I remember turning a corner in the town where we lived, and there kneeling down were my two young son's, and a gaggle of other boy's lying on the ground on the busy corner of this particular street. Well you could imagine my surprise as I approached them near this storm drain they were peering into, and these boy's exclaimed excitedly, "there's a kitten down there!!" Sure enough, there was this tiny little thing, screaming and screeching like a banshee, swimming for dear life, attached to the side of the drain, resembling more some kind of little demon at this point. Cold, wet and tired.

It was quite a ways down there and that was the trouble for the boys, figuring out how to rescue this poor little creature. As fate would have it one of the boys had with him, a crab net (this was in a popular sea resort town in the summer.) I asked the boy if he thought his dad would mind if I broke the crab net to use to pull the cat up, and he gave it right over to me. Well I want to tell you, when I lowered that net into the abyss, that little, near drown, demon looking kitty creature, practically jumped into that net on the first pass! The rest as they say is history. The boy's and I took him home, cleaned him up, gave him a poof with the blow dryer and boy oh boy was that one happy fella! Alas we were not able to keep him, but we found some friends, who had some friends, and already had 3 or 4 cats, so what was one more right! I'm told that this kitten thrived in his new home, became somewhat of a leader, instigator I'm told, and so it goes.

Yes, it is sad to endure loss and all that the loss represents, the emotions that it invokes, for all sorts of reasons. I know my recent loss of my ole buddy Jack, has brought forth all sorts of emotions, some of which have nothing to do with Jack at all. Well anyway, I just thought a "happy ending" might be appropriate at this juncture. I hope you enjoyed the story. So wonderful remembering happier times and to know that yes, sometimes there really are happy endings!

God Bless You Marie,

Be Well

Michael