Loss of My Dad

[cutiemcbeal01]

Very early last Tuesday morning we lost my Dad. He had suffered long and hard with lung cancer, emphysema, and all the ills that came along with it or from it, along with all the side effects from chemo and radiation. In the end, he was rushed to the hospital Monday afternoon with a perforated bowel and refused surgery, knowing that it could take his life within hours. He was ready to go, he had had enough. He was done fighting. We buried him on Christmas Eve morning. Another bright and shining star up in the heavens, that's my Dad. This week is hard, it's like back to reality, yes it's really true, he's gone. Of course I am so glad for him, he was ready to go and I believe when death came, he welcomed it. Living two hours away, I arrived 10 minutes too late that early morning. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with that, though I know that I must because there is nothing I can do to change it. I'm doing all the "if only's" I can think of, but there is no sense in it. It happened, it's done, and there's nothing I can do to make it different. He asked where I was and was told I was on the way. I hope that was enough for him. I hope he knew how very much I wanted to be there, how I prayed all the way there that I wouldn't be too late. Just to see him one last time, just to make sure he knew how much I loved him. It's going to be a tough road but I know I'll make it.

[agnaq111809]

My deepest condolencses to you and your family during this time.  I too lost my mother to lung cancer last month before the holiday season began.  I too still have some 'what ifs'.  I'm learning to put them away for now.  Perhaps time will answer them all.  If not, then I'll hopefully accept how things went the way they went the last couple of weeks of my mother's life.  It's interesting how time seems to stop when I think a lot of time has passed already as well as how fast it goes when I think otherwise.  A lot goes through my mind and I'm glad for the time that I can sleep.  My mother used to ask someone around her where did I go whenever I left for a few minutes to do something, like go get some medicine for her.  And she would look 'mad' at me when I came back.  I used to tell her that she wasn't alone; that Jesus never leaves her.  Your memories of your dad will be with you always as mine are of my mother. Even if my mind is answering for her, she talks with me.  It's how I'm surviving during this time.  Recently I dreamt of her and me together on a trip.  I woke up feeling so good, that I had spent time with her and that she wasn't really gone.  God Bless you.

[socal2010]

I'm also dealing with the "what-ifs" --- I don't feel I was there for my Mom when she needed me the most. We didn't know she was that ill. It wasn't anything serious and she saw doctors all the time. It turned out to be cancer, very aggressive cancer. I've right there with both of you. Hopefully someday we can find peace of mind.

Sending hugs your way. (((hugs)))

 

 

[agnaq111809]

Thank-you, guess it's 'southern california'.  I just visited my mom's grave for the umpteenth time, crying as loud as I can.  I talk to her.  When the day comes that someone is telling me that I must be going 'looney', then I may stop.  My mom knew already that I was easy to cry.  But she was one 'big maama' in a tiny body, smaller than me.  O.K.  See you all later.  Try and enjoy the coming of the new year 2010.

[lovedones]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad.  I lost my dad 3 yrs ago.  I lived 700 miles away.  But my mom called me and said the dr told them dad had about a month to live.  He was sick for 2 yrs.  The next day I arrived and planned on staying with him till the end.  For 2 weeks I stayed by his side.  On the day that he passed I refused to leave his bedside.  I had to step outside for 1 minute when I came back in dad was gone.  I still beat myself up for leaving the room.  But a dear friend told me one day that sometimes our love ones will wait until we leave the room or fall asleep and then they will pass.  I want to believe that dad wanted to spare me the feeling and watching his last breathe.  He always protected me, and was there for me.  I find comfort in talking to him now.  I know he will always be with me.

[rlolheiser]

come the 10th it will be 4 years since my dad's passing.  He is on my mind so much these days.  How I could use his wisdom.  I will never forget the day he left, we all thought he had a few more months, my siblings came to visit cause they didn't think they could come later.  After he saw them all, I was caring for him (I had been staying with my folks since he was sick) and he died practically in my arms.  There was such a mixture of emotions.  I wanted to be there.. but I didn't want it to happen... and it was so fast, the other kids or my mom couldn't even get to the room.  I think something other than the cancer took him that day, and in many ways I was glad because he didn't have to suffer all the extra months they expected.  But the hurt still there and even after 4 years.. the missing is still fresh in my heart.

[lovedones]

I understand what your feeling and saying.   It is so hard to lose our parents, partners, children so on.  I lost my mom a week ago.  She had alzh and aa very fast moving demantica.  On one hand I am glad she is not suffering.  The way she was and on the other hand I feel so lost now that both of them are gone.  Bu t I talk to them everyday.  I know they are with me and I will see them again.  The form of demantica my mom had was very fast acting.  New Years eve day she it casued her to either have a massive stroke or a grandmal seizure.  But thankfully she passed about 12 hrs later.  I used to work at the nursing home where she was and I saw so many patients that would linger in suffering for yrs.  I'm glad that mom didn't have to go through that long of suffering.  She was really bad for about the last 8 months.  But since Thanksgiving she had stopped eating and barely drinking.  We don't even know how her body kept going.  I find comfort in knowing that mom and dad are together again.  Along with my little brother. 

Cancer is such a horrible and evil disease.  I have lost several family members and friends of all ages to it.  It is never easy watching them go threw that.

[rlolheiser]

My heart goes out to you.  My dad had lung cancer, he took the chemo and fought it off for about 5 years and then it settled in.  It was tough watching him turn into a frail old man because he had always been so vibrant and strong.  Before he passed away he asked me to look after my mother and I have.  She had been in a car accident where I had lost my10 year old grandaughter.  Mom hasn't been able to care for herself since.  I have had her now for over 3 years and found out during these years that she is slowly dying.  Unfortuneatly, we don't know how long whe will have, it seems each day she is weaker, she has a bad heart, one working lung, and seems numerous other problems.... so in my promise to my father I will take care of her and she won't see the inside of a nursing home as long as I have the ability to do right by her.

I do find comfort knowing that my father went the January before my grandaughter in October of the same year.  I like to think that he was right there to take her into his arms.

I am sorry for the loss of your mom, along with the loss of your dad and brother.  I know they are in good company with many wonderful angels.

[lovedones]

I am sorry for the loss of your dad and granddaughter.  Also that your mom is suffering so.  I believe that your dad was with your granddaughter when she passed over.  They are still together.

I tried taking care of my mom but when the disease progressed so fast she became nasty because of it.  It robbed her of her mind.  Soon after mom started getting bad I ended up very ill with additional health issues.  I took care of her as long as I could until it started threatening my health issues even more.  I had no choice but to put her in a nursing home.

I do find some comfort in knowing that my parents always told us if they got real sick and I could not physically take care of them never feel guilty if I had to put them in a nursing home.  They didn't want me to hurt myself or make my health issues worst. 

I worked in a nursing home for years.  So I put her in the best one, and made sure she recieved the care that I could have given her if I could.

[rlolheiser]

It sounds like you had some tough decisions to make, I fear I might have to one day do the same.  I see a my own mother becoming mean and vindictive and Iknow it is just the mind leaving slowly.  Also, I am sure she feels terrible some days, being taken from her home, and losing her ability to care for herself.  Somedays I get very upset with her when she says mean things but I am learning to take it with a grain of salt.  I am teaching my little guy to stay clear of grandma at certain times, I told him that sometimes when people get sick, they say things they don't mean.

I find I am feeling aches and pains, and worry about my health.  My folks never did give us the go ahead to put them in homes.  When my dad got sick, I went to stay with my folks, my husband understood.  I asked mom if she would rather live in a home, (she has a sister in one) but she is frightened of them. I guess I feel I owe it to them to try to keep her.  I am worried that her physical health will surpass her mind health soon.  It seems the dr. is always finding something else wrong with her. 

I have already been telling my children, when the time comes for me not to be able to care for me.. to run...  don't worry about me, don't let me get in their house.  I have always been different than my folks though..  I never let anybody take care of me.

It is nice that you had previous experience in the nursing homes, and you felt comfortable with the one you chose.  I am sure it was a hard decision even with your knowledge.  I hope you continue your talks with your dad and now mom.  I know I talk to my dad all the times, but I haven't felt him for a long time.  I only had one type of contact since his death, a dream, and he didn't want me around.  Sounds dumb, but it hurt.. and I really long for some guidance from him

 

 

[lovedones]

I really understand how you are feeling about taking care of your mom and about your health too.

Lucky for me my parents were always opened about what they wanted if they got sick, while I was growing up.  I am the same way with my sons.  They are 24 & 28 yrs. old.  My youngest son is in charge of me if I get sick like mom did.  My oldest one doesn't handle that well.  But my youngest one is.  I know he will do what is good for me and will make sure I am taken care of.  I also tell them that if I end up in a nursing home I don't want them hanging around all the time, or feeling guilty if they can't visit.  This is also something else my parents told me and it did help me with mom.  Even though I do feel guilty at times but that is only normal if you really love them.

I talk with my dad all the time.  Now I talk to mom too.  Dad always let me know when he is around.  I haven't felt anything from mom yet other than she is at peace.  Which is the main thing.  You may not believe me or think I am wierd but I have seen dad, my husband, since they passed.  This comforts me alot.  I am hoping that at some point mom will visit.  I don't tell many people about this.  Just due to the fact that if they aren't a believer and don't have an opened mind they can be so mean.  I hope I haven't offended you in anyway telling you this.

I don't know if you notice this with your mom or someone else has told you, but with your mind having mind problems and such, see if when she is testy if the shade of her eyes change.  In most people with mind problems this happens.  Also by mid afternoon towards night is when it will get worst.  When the sun goes down.  I worked with alzh/demantica patients.  This is another horrible disease.  That is what was wrong with my mom.  Then heart problems, and other issues came as it progressed. 

I don't know if this is what is wrong with your mom.  But whiether it is or not please feel free to talk to me about anything.  Or if you have any questions.  I would be glad to be able to help.  Or even just listen.  I know how much it meant when I could talk to someone about mom.  Always remember that she loves you and would not want to be this way.  It's always sad to see them lose control of what they do.

 

[rlolheiser]

Thank you for the insight on the helath of the aging and their minds.  I have noticed that early in the day she is better, and the further the night comes on, she is cold and indifferent.  She eats her meals with us, and retreats into her room.  She dislikes my husband at times, and he is learning to live with it, as  he understands she can't be held responsible.  During the day, I try to play at least one game of cards with her.  Sometimes she does really well, if I don't let her win she gets upset.  I know she would never want to be this way, as I said, before the accident she was so much better.  Even with her stroke she was able to get most of her abilities back except for writing.  Now she only writes her name and at times that is hard for her.  My daughters haven't helped a whole lot, they have both been in trouble, and she has been so involved in their lives when they were younger.  My mother helped my youngest entirely to much.  My JaBoa, was with her non stop from 2001 to 2006 when she passed away.  I know she struggles with the guilt of living, probably even more than I do.  We never get to know why some people are called and others aren't.  She was never close to dad after the great grand children came, and that broke my heart.  It caused a lot of hard feelings when she didn't want to help dad.  I try to understand it, but it doesn't come easy.  Dad used to be so sad, he would tell me, the least she could do is lay by me and just be there, but she refused, that is why I ended up staying there.  The other siblings close by, couldn't handle things, and others lived to far away.

I do believe that those we love have the ability to be near, I happy you have that.  I really wish for it.  I used to see signs of my grandaughter, but I haven't for some time.  My son sees her from time to time...  they are close.  He is only 6, was 3 at the time of passing, and I swear that boy comes in from outside or downstairs laughing over something they had just done.  He wants me to buy her a headstone for her birthday.  I wish I could, she really deserves one, but maybe someday I will get to do that for her.  I haven't felt my father though since the time in my dream.  I go to his grave site every chance I get, I have kept my promise to him about taking care of mom, and I just don't seem to see or feel him.  I guess maybe I try to hard.  It is so hard to belive it was 4 years tomorrow that he has been gone, it seems like yesterday he was here.  One good thing, he really loved my husband (he was my second) I waited over 20 years to marry again, and I found one he liked.  We still have a lot of ups and down, I think with all the baggage I brought to the marriage it is only expected.

All in all I can't complain.  I thank you for listening to me, and if I get to much rambling please feel free to tell me to stop.   I live on a farmstead without any friends or family around and sometimes I forget to shut up.  I enjoy reading your posts, and there isn't anything I can think of that would offend me.  Thanks again for being there.

[lovedones]

Tomorrow will no doubt be a hard day for you.  I do notice that when I am not paying attention is when dad comes.  Maybe he is just enjoying your granddaughter.  After all he loves her to.  I believe that I haven't sensed mom because she is enjoying my youngest brother.  I also think she is talking away with dad and my first husband.  OMG how she loved him.  Sometimes I think more than me, lol  I say that in a loving joking way. 

It is good that you try to play cards with your mom.  Any kind of mind work is good for her.  If your son likes to play go fish that is an easy game for her too.  We played that alot with mom and with the patients when I was working. 

When I would leave from visiting mom there was a little old lady that would try to escape with me on the elevator.  She would be so sweet but the minute a nurse or aide would try to get her to go with them watch out she had alot of spit fire left in her.  But she always made me smile. 

My sister helped with dad and mom.  She was by dads side when he passed.  Mom left the room she couldn't handle it.  Boy was my sister mad at her for not being there at the end.  I think that is why she is having such a hard time with moms passing.  But I told her that she has to understand how mom felt at that moment.  Mom always took care of him.  Sit by him hold his hand.  I have  so many pics of the two of them holding hands or giving each other a kiss.  I had a lovy dovy family. 

I told my sister that when my husband passed away it is such a horrible lonely feeling.  With him dying suddenly it it seemed worst.  But seeing dad and mom go the way they did I know that my husband was the lucky one.  He didn't know what hit him.  He did not suffer at all. 

My husband now of 6 yrs is kind and loving but in a different way.  He doesn't handle sickness and someone passing well at all.  He clams up and just plays on his computer.  I am a computer and Nascar widow lol.  I do enjoy the Nascar racing though.  He is a hard worker and tries to make sure I am taken care of.

In March it will be 3yrs that I almost died.  I had a blood clot in my lung so big they had to open my lung up and remove it.  I lost 1/3 of my lung due to it.  Thats when I found out that my 3 heart valves were bad and had a minor heart attack.  I have fibromyalgia and RSD a nerve disease that has affected my legs, back, and right shoulder and arm.  Plus 3 cervical spine fusions in the last 5 yrs.  Well that is enough of my depressing story for now.

You can ramble to me anytime you want.  We all need someone who will listen and understands.  My name is Susan, I'm 48 yrs old.  I will gladly give you my personal email address if you would like it.

You can talk with me anytime about anything. 

Your new friend, Susan

[cutiemcbeal01]

I completely agree with your friend. I think that a person can wait until they're alone to let go, to spare their loved ones the sight of their last breath. As much as it haunts me that I wasn't there in those last moments, it haunts my sisters and brother that they did see that last breath. The way I'm handling it is that I believe that for whatever reason, I was not meant to be there when he passed.

[cutiemcbeal01]

My Dad was being treated for lung cancer and emphysema. The cancer was actually in remission but he had just deteriorated so badly in the last year. Then one day he started not being able to get out of bed anymore and he told my mom that he was going to stop taking his medication because he had enough of it all. Two weeks later he was rushed to the hospital in severe pain and they found he had a perforated bowel. He refused surgery, which was the only treatment available. They asked him 3 times, do you understand that if you don't have this surgery you will not live until tomorrow. All three times he said yes, I understand. I don't want to live until tomorrow. He lived another 2 1/2 hours. Thankfully they were able to keep him pain-free with morphine until he passed.

I completely understand what you're saying about seeing them or hearing from them. I believe I have heard from my Dad once since he passed. I had a CD in my car and it was just about to play the song that was playing when he passed in my car on my way to the hospital, and suddenly the player said "no disc" and the radio came on with this angelic noise, then a song that doesn't contain this angelic noise I heard. I popped out the CD, put it back in, when it should have replayed from song one, but instead it began at the song that I had been listening to when my Dad passed. I believe that was him, just telling me he's around and he's okay.

[lovedones]

I do agree with you.  I wasn't there for my dad's last breath, but I think he didn't want me to see it.  As time goes by the more I do think of it.  My dad has always protected me, When my husband passed I did cpr it was to late.  But for a while after he passed I had dreams even nightmares of the sounds and what I saw at that time.  Dad will always be here to protect me.

My mom passed awy on Jan 1st, I wasn't there either, this time due to bad weather.  I couldn't get to the nursing home we were getting an ice storm.  But my sister and brother were there.  (sister works there, brother lives a few minutes away)  They are still having a hard time about it.

[lovedones]

I am sure that was your dads way of saying that he is ok, and in a much much better place now.  You will see and be with him again someday.  But he will always be with you & watching over you.

I don't know how much you believe in the other side.  But since the age of 12 I started hearing and seeing things.  I find it a great gift and comfort everytime I sense my love ones around.  With the help of my dad when it started I was able to embrace this gift and not be scared of it.  Because of this I have been able to help other children and adults feel comfortable and not scared of it.

[cutiemcbeal01]

Oh I definitely believe in it. A few years ago I was really sick with bronchitis. I fell asleep on my back and felt someone bouncing on the bed and woke up laying on my back, choking, but no one was there. I went on the couch and fell asleep propped up, but then felt someone pushing their mouth on mine and again, laying on my back, woke up choking. The next day I felt that someone had been waking me up because I was about to choke. I went to bed that next night thinking about this and wondering was that my guardian angel. Just as I was falling asleep, I saw my grandmother's face, with a huge smile on it, and she was saying "It was me!!!!" I firmly believe she woke me up those two times because I was about to choke in my sleep.

[lovedones]

I'm sorry for your loss of your mom.  Cancer is a horrible disease.  I have lost many familly memebers and friends to cancer.  My mom pasted on Jan 1 she had dementica.  I didn't know there were different kinds of dementica.  She had the fast moving kind.   I told my sons that if I would ever end up like my mom to put me in a nursing home and if they had a hard time handling seeing me like that not to feel guilty.  I don't want to be a burden, or have them remember me the way my mom looked. 

I remember seeing mom and if she knew me for 2 or 3 minutes during that visit I was thrilled.  But that only happened 3 or 4 times the last month she was with us.  It just breaks your heart.   

I was suprised today, Mom had hospice care towards the end.  I actually received a call from them today to see how I was couping and if I needed anything.  That was really nice.  Then didn't do that 3 yrs ago when my dad passed.  We had them come in the last 2 weeks to help with dad.  He was at home,  they would come in the moring and just help us give him his morning care and to see if there was anything they could supply to make caring for him easier.  Dad had his mind up till the end.  His body just gave out.

[tinkeral]

I lost my dad this april, im 15 and looking for other teens to talk with about this. I feel like no one understands because i dont know anyone my age who has lost their dad in a car accident like me. if you can relate i would like to know anyones story.

[lovedones]

I know what you are going thru. Even through I am 48yrs old and lost my dad due to illness 4yrs ago it does hurt alot.

My sons where 12 and 16 when we lost their dad to a sudden heart attack. It was a horrible time for them and myself.

As hard as it is try to remember that your dad is always with you. My sons and I found comfort talking out loud to their dad when he died. I know it sounds funny to do it but it did and still does help us. I still talk to my husband at times when I am missing him. I also talk to my dad and mom. Mom just passed away Jan 1 this yr. Please feel free to email me anytime or post it here what ever is best for you.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers,

Susan

[suelowe]

Hi, sorry to jump in here.  I lost my Dad 17 years ago and it's actually getting harder for me.  I'm not sure I can get through another couple of years or so without him.  It's too long, too much, I don't know if I can go through with it.  My mum died 6 years ago and I struggle with that too.

I'm not sure if I've got the strength to get by without my dad though, it's far too long, each year that passes it kinda scares me. i don't know..I know he'd be proud of me, but i just ache...

Sue x

[lovedones]

Sue, I understand what your feeling. My dad (and mom) stood by my side when I lost my husband 12yrs ago. They were always here for me no matter what. There are times that I seeing something on time and find my self crying cause I miss them all so much. I talk to them. I believe they are still with me. I have photos out of them and when I see them I tell them how much I miss them. When I lost mom this past Jan I realized that I am alone now to face what ever comes to me till I am with them again. I have 2 sons who are great to me. But I miss dad and mom cause they were always here with me. I keep telling myself that this is how life is suppose to be and go but why do we have to feel so much pain when we lose the ones we love so much.

[suelowe]

Lovedones, yes it does make me question life and how i go about living my life without my dad. I'm sorry to hear about your husband too.  I think it's questioning something (ie, why isn't my loved one here, alive?) which has a simple answer (ie, the loved one has gone, passed on etc), but it seems like probably the hardest thing to contemplate.  As you said how can we feel so much pain when a loved one dies? It's a maddening pain, sometimes it can be numbness, it depends.

I honestly, honestly, can't get my head around it, 17 years later. I know he's gone, but I don't think I can fully accept it, that's what I mean.  I probably harp on about it too much at times, I exaggerate a bit about loss at times etc, when the pain gets too much.

I'm going to see a spiritualist about making contact with my parents, and also one of my friends who died las year, because I want to know what they think of me and my life.

Take care,

sue

[Kelly]

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

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The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

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