Feeling everything all over again. Crying

[Chasisdope]

I was driving around in our car today just bawling my eyes out. I thought I was over asking "why," but I'm not. I kept asking the same questions all over again. I feel like I'm going crazy and losing my mind. I hope that he hears me and sees what I'm going through. I hate to say this but I feel abandoned. I know he didn't have a choice but I can't help it. This is killing me.

[Jeff In Denver]

I am so sorry to see that you're dealing with this stuff, too.  It doesn't help, but I think we all kind of know here what you are going through in  general way.  Feel free to post your thoughts here.

In the meantime, Sandra Champlain has some videos that might help.  Don't worry - none of that "moving on" nonsense.

All the best to you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3YcDpbF0h4

 

[Sadaf Nazim]

Hello dear

I understand what you are going through now. I have gone through it too. Now I have stopped to ask these why's. Because asking these why's are like questioning the plan of God. There are people who die at very young age, there are infants who die and then there are people who live like more than 100 years. And we can't question God for any of it. Because every thing he does is perfect. There are no flaws in his plan. 

Yes, we don't have the ability to see how this ruthless thing can be a part of His divine plan. We just have to trust Him. If He had put us in this, He will guide us through this. 

I pray that He gives you peace in life. Lots of love to you dear.

[Jeff In Denver]

I can't speak for Chaisdope, but I'll offer my opinion.  So God's (or whatever higher being's)  plan was to put my girlfriend through total hell with a long and terrible illness, and then put me and other people who love her through a lifetime of pain, loss, and extreme sadness?  His/her plan was to do similar things to all the people in this forum who also have to get up every day dealing with this emptiness and sadness?

If so, there are PLENTY of of flaws in their plan.  Unless that plan is to destroy good people's lives in the cruelest ways possible, which sounds like the intent.  Either way, the plan sucks.

Meanwhile, there are plenty of bad, violent people - the dregs of society -  who are in good health.  

Some plan.

Guide us through this? "Yeah, I killed the person in your life who matters most, but I'll make you feel better." Peace in life after all this? Are you kidding?

 

 

 

[KayC]

Chasisdope,

Feeling abandoned is a normal part of grief.  I believe it is part of our accepting the reality of death, part of our processing the grief.  I felt that way for a time too in the earlier days.  It has nothing to do with rationale...we know they didn't choose to leave us (with our minds) but our hearts are grappling with so much more than our minds can dictate.

[KayC]

Jeff,

I have heard the cliche "It was God's will"...malarkey.  I do not believe for a second that God wills all the bad things that happen in life.  Sometimes stuff just happens.  It has nothing to do with right or good or fair, we all know life isn't fair at all.  It just is.  When I stopped looking for answers it helped me accept what is.

[Sadaf Nazim]

Honey

We have no other choice. Either we can make ourselves miserable by putting ourself in this condition asking all the questions of our mind, which by the way has no meaning now because it can't make them return to us, or we can accept it.

My love is my peace. I am not talking about happiness because it can never be a part of my life now. I am at peace because I know that I will meet him one day, because I know his soul is still somewhere out there, maybe very close to me, and I know that his soul loves me. 

This physical body deteriorates. Every one of us will. But the soul is forever alive. The love we shared is forever alive. We have to live for that. Our loved ones chose us for a reason. Maybe the reason is to live their love their legacy and make them proud.

We have no other option. 

Lots of love to you.. 

[Jeff In Denver]

KayC, as usual, you nailed it.

 

[Sadaf Nazim]

Life isn't fair. But God is. Whatever pain we are going through, I know he will compensate for it one day. One day when we all will get to be with our loved ones again.

I can sacrifice a thousand lives like this for that one day. Even if it has 0.000001 % probability. 

[Jeff In Denver]

Sadif Nazim, you are venturing into troll status.  I have reported you to the site admin.

[KMB]

13 hours ago, Chasisdope said:

I was driving around in our car today just bawling my eyes out. I thought I was over asking "why," but I'm not. I kept asking the same questions all over again. I feel like I'm going crazy and losing my mind. I hope that he hears me and sees what I'm going through. I hate to say this but I feel abandoned. I know he didn't have a choice but I can't help it. This is killing me.

Chassidope---Out of concern for you, please don't cry while driving. I know how hard that is though. I did that myself one day. Because of traffic and curves I had to pull over to the shoulder of the road and take time to compose myself for the rest of the drive home. Before I pulled over, I was thinking, this would be so easy, ending my pain while crying and driving, a quick route to my reunion with my husband. Wasn't in the plan, something made me pull over. Worst case scenarios --- I would not have died. Totaling the car would have brought down even more for me to deal with. I could also have been left with hospital bills and maybe being crippled up for what's left of life here. I understand what you are going through---I have had feelings of abandonment also. My husband and I were a team in this life. For some reason, I am to go it alone now, with only love keeping us together.Many hugs to you----somehow we will manage, one day at a time.

[Sadaf Nazim]

If I offended anyone I am really sorry. I just shared my views. 

[KMB]

Sadaf-- You have not offended anyone. The purpose of this forum is to share, vent, get those emotions out through writing, bring comfort to others when we can. Even though we are all sharing this journey of loss, we are also individuals. We are grieving and coping and getting through the days by our own means and needs. We are in the here and now of our existence. We take that existence for granted when our lives are going smoothly and we are filled with joy. But then, adversity shows up in many forms, loss of a job, sickness, floods, tornadoes, etc.--- the loss of a loved one, the most unbearable adversity to deal with. I guess we have to experience the sorrows in order to have the joys. I don't know anything except there has to be a higher power involved in this. There has to be a balance at work in our life. i started my life out with adversity. I was raised by a controlling, abusive mother, my father passed away right after I started kindergarten. To escape my home reality, I relished going to school and poured myself into getting decent grades. I managed a small scholarship and escaped to college. After 2 years, I had to quit. Higher math and chemistry were not for me. I moved back to my hometown and found a limited term job for a year. Out of loneliness, I took up with a guy and got married because I had no where else to go.(My mother did not want any of her children coming back to her house). 10 years of being under the ex's abuse and control. Karma playing a role there? While I was holding down a steady job and taking the steps to get divorced, I met my 2nd future husband. We had an instant connection, I could see his soul in his eyes. I finally found the man I was meant to be with. We both needed love and care. I consider myself blessed to have had 25 years with him. The scales of life is being balanced now with his loss. It is up to me now to find a new life filled with meaning and some measure of joy again.

[Chasisdope]

Thanks everyone for your kindness and support. KMB, you're right. I better not cry while I'm driving. It's so hard because I'm alone driving but I will remind myself not to and to think whatever happy thoughts I can. I don't know how to get over feeling abandoned. My husband left us with nothing. I tried to go to SSA to apply for disability but he didn't have enough work credits as he was young. This is the part that gets me angry because I am in this alone and some of my relatives, believe it or not, can't even offer a word of condolence. 

[Knhedges]

I cry while I drive too. I know I shouldn't but I can't control it. I cry on my 35 minute drive to work and then I cry all the way home. 

I feel abandoned as well. Not when it comes to money, as he was in the process of applying for disability due to severe anxiety problems, and didn't have a job.  But he was the only person who totally got me, who knew all my weird quirks and never judged me. He was the only one who was always there to listen to any crazy thing I had to say, and now he's gone and I have no one. No one to run to with my problems, no one to hold me while I cry. I get mad at him for leaving me sometimes, even though it's irrational. He didn't leave on purpose and I know that.

It just sucks. Everything sucks. I hate this life.

[KMB]

Chasisdope and Knhedges-------Prayers, love and hugs----We are up the creek without a paddle or a life preserver. Our only hope is to keep praying and we will be shown the way.

[KayC]

Please keep in mind that while we may FEEL abandoned early on in our grief journey, those are just FEELINGS and not a measure of accuracy as to their intentions.  If they could be here with us, I'm sure they'd choose to!

KMB, I can't believe how much your early life started out like mine.  I do not believe the bad things that came our way were KARMA though.  Karma for what?  For being born into an abusive household?  Karma for marrying young, to someone abusive?  Maybe Karma does exist, if so, there's a lot of people out there that'd better look out.  But I've lived a long time and seen a lot and if Karma does exist, it's not always dispensed fairly and accurately.  Just saying, there's a lot of people out there deserving of bad, and a lot like us who don't deserve bad karma at all, yet we've endured much.  Again, I'm of the mindset that things just happen.  It's not God that wills them to happen, but I do believe that whatever comes our way, it's up to us to choose the best attitude and focus we can to deal with it.  Some people have it easy...others do not.  Some of us appear chosen to learn a whole lot in life if that's the case!  It seems rather random to me...

[KayC]

 

Sadaf Nazim,

I do not believe you are a troll.  No one could make up the grief that you've shared with us so authentically.  I think you have strong beliefs and they eke out into your everyday life.  That will offend some people.  Not that you intended to or can change how you feel...nor should you.  But we do have to be careful to not put our beliefs onto others here as we're all coming from different backgrounds.  

That said, I don't believe in some things shared in this forum but neither do I take offense at other's thinking differently than me, but rather I can choose to move on to another post when that happens.  We all have the ability to tolerate one another's differences...and yes, not only tolerate, but appreciate those differences and even keep an open mind enough to learn from others.  I value each person here and their perspective and way of looking at things, and I can tell you, I've learned from each and every one here.  That is part of our purpose in sharing here...this is a sacred place, one where we've opened our hearts and very souls and bared ourselves in our most vulnerable innards in a way we would not to our neighbor or the grocery clerk...we've done so with strangers from afar.  Why?  Because we know they understand, they share this very same loss in a way that others have not.  We are, in a way, family of a sorts.

[Sadaf Nazim]

Kmb and KayC 

Thank you for understanding. Even though I never wanted to force my ideas on anyone here, sometimes we should appreciate our differences in opinions and try to think through the other person's perspective. 

Jeff,

I never meant to offend you dear. All those questions you have, I myself am struggling through it day in and day out. With all the things we are dealing with , sometimes we just need to get it all out and we say things we shouldn't have said. I am sorry if it by any means have hurt you.

I hope we are good now. We already have to deal with so much, I don't want to take any extra burden of anything else. 

Lots of love to all of you.  

 

[Jeff In Denver]

1 hour ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

Kmb and KayC 

Thank you for understanding. Even though I never wanted to force my ideas on anyone here, sometimes we should appreciate our differences in opinions and try to think through the other person's perspective. 

Jeff,

I never meant to offend you dear. All those questions you have, I myself am struggling through it day in and day out. With all the things we are dealing with , sometimes we just need to get it all out and we say things we shouldn't have said. I am sorry if it by any means have hurt you.

I hope we are good now. We already have to deal with so much, I don't want to take any extra burden of anything else. 

Lots of love to all of you.  

 

Sadaf,  no problem, and thanks.  I'm sorry about your loss and what you're dealing with.  There might be some religious and cultural differences here that led to some confusion.

Sorry!

[Sadaf Nazim]

It's alright Jeff.. And thanks to you too.

[KMB]

Everyone----We all found this forum for a reason.  Our own personal reason of losing someone whose soul was intertwined with ours. I'm retracting something I said in an earlier, up above post. We all feel we are up the creek without a paddle, but we do have a life preserver. Our life preserver is our faith in whatever it is we each believe in. Our life preserver is the family we are creating on this forum. Prayers, love and hugs to you all---

[Chasisdope]

KayC, you're so right about this karma thing. My husband's family are Buddhist but they don't care for karma so they do whatever they think they can. I've seen people who are horrible, and tell lies to get what they want even if it means destroying others in the process. So where is the karma? I never care to believe it until I see it and I haven't. Those who has caused so much heartache in my life are just as happy as can be. My husband was so loving and caring. No matter what wrong he did, he was always remorseful and never did it again. Karma, I'm iffy about. 

Learning. Yes, I asked that question many times. I have learned a lot with what happened to me. It also seems like I'm the only one who is learning!! No one in my life circle learned anything and never changed. 

[KayC]

That's because learning is a choice.  There are those who choose not to look and learn and those who let life's lessons teach them.
I like to believe in karma, that everything has a cause and effect, that we get our just due, but sometimes I don't see it happening.  Maybe it can be more subtle.  Those who do not have the ability to fully love, neither do they know the wonder of received love.  Perhaps some karma is saved for another time so that we don't see it come to fruition, but it eventually happens all the same.  I don't know.  Those who believe in reincarnation believe we pay in the next life.  Even Christians believe there will be a day of reckoning when all will be made right.  Maybe we're looking for instant karma results and perhaps it's not instant.
 

My last husband was a con that preyed on me when I was vulnerable, for the sole purpose of using my credit big time and then dumping me for a girlfriend I didn't know he had.  She gained 80 lbs and then died of liver failure (within two years of his leaving me).  Selfish him never even picked up her ashes, neither did her family.  He got throat cancer and had to go through radiation, etc.  Karma?  Or just consequences of how they lived?  I don't know.  It wasn't sweet, though, I felt sorry for her, even though she knew what she was doing when she hooked up with a married man.  John will never know love, no matter how many women he gets, because he doesn't have that capability in him.  That's a sad way to live.  I'd rather be me.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, KMB said:

Our life preserver is our faith in whatever it is we each believe in. Our life preserver is the family we are creating on this forum.

I was just thinking the same thing this morning.

[Janice 252]

Can I just add a few words to the wise ones already posted here. We have all suffered a great loss and we will all deal with it in a different way according to our beliefs and background. My husband died very suddenly just 3 months ago. A few weeks later i found this site and without the good people here I am not sure I would have got through the last few months. I found kindness support and good advice and I thank you all. Sending prayers and hugs x

[KMB]

Thank you, Janice, hope you are doing as well as can be expected. This life certainly isn't easy. I went down to visit my son yesterday due to a snow storm coming in tonite. I could have went today yet, but it's only in the single digits and I hibernate when it gets that cold. Went out for lunch with my son and I went with him shopping to help pick out a vacuum cleaner he needs. When I got home, I kept calling out to my husband that I'm home, just like usual. Such a downer, no answer of course, didn't see him anywhere. I kept repeating I'm home and the tears came out too. What can I do just to see him and hear his voice? Everyday I get through, is just another day closer when I get to do that ,when it's my turn to leave here. My only consolation. I'm in my late 50's---how many more years to go? I know I'm here for a purpose yet, wonder if I'll ever figure it out. Still trying to climb out of the dark tunnel I'm in.

I find a lot of comfort just checking in with this forum on a constant basis. It helps to know I'm not alone. I do spend too much time on the computer when I could be doing so many more things but there is zero motivation. I do what needs to be done but anything else is pointless.

Hugs to everyone.

[Sadaf Nazim]

Kmb

My heart goes out to you. At your age, I think the only thing anyone would want is an understanding partner with whom one can share everything and cuddle up together. I am really sorry for your loss. May God give you the strength to deal with all this. I know you will. :-) 

[KMB]

Thank you, Sadaf,---I have this little book of daily prayers. I read a page every morning and add my own prayers to that. For God to keep giving me strength and love to get through another day. I pray for my husband and other loved ones. On cold, winter days, like today, my husband and I would keep each other company---I so miss that. but, somehow, I will get through.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, KMB said:

Everyday I get through, is just another day closer when I get to do that ,when it's my turn to leave here. My only consolation. I'm in my late 50's---how many more years to go?

Try not to go there, just get through today.  If you find yourself wondering about the rest of your life, try to bring your mind back to right now, today.  It's enough to handle.  I was 52 when my husband passed, I'm 64 now, at first I wondered how I could survive another 40 years without him, until I learned to stay in the present moment, it's overwhelming otherwise.  I, also, hope I don't have to live into my 90s like the rest of my family, but if I go after I turn 80, that's long enough, I'll have my house paid off then and it'll be easier for my kids to deal with, but beyond that, I try not to think about it.  I'm glad you have your son's to go to, I really don't have anywhere, my DIL isn't respectful to me so I wouldn't want to live with them when I'm old, and my daughter I don't hear from, so I feel pretty alone and on my own.  I pray for strength to be able to take care of myself each day I need to.  I have to rely on the Lord.  It's hard shoveling snow and dealing with firewood, I don't know how I'll do it the upcoming years, but I see some older people in good shape so I pray my body will have the strength to do what it must...without falling.

I miss the things George did for me, how hard he worked, but what I miss the most is cuddling up with him and talking over our day.  I cherished those moments.

[KMB]

KayC---It's hard even living in the moment. I used to joke around with my husband when we were each doing our thing with snow removal. I would tease that if something happened to him, that no one would be around to help me, no one there when I get old. It's not a joke now. Started snowing last night and it's still going on with wind and cold temps. I know that I have to go out and shovel today. Somehow I will get through another day.

[KayC]

Yeah, me too...more snow.  Sometimes I think, "It wasn't supposed to be like this.  We were supposed to grow old together."  But that's not what happened.  He's in my thoughts more than anyone could guess,even after all this time.  How could he not be?  He was my everything!

[Chasisdope]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Yeah, me too...more snow.  Sometimes I think, "It wasn't supposed to be like this.  We were supposed to grow old together."  But that's not what happened.  He's in my thoughts more than anyone could guess,even after all this time.  How could he not be?  He was my everything!

Yes, how can he not be? People just expect me to be all fine and dandy. That will never be. I love him so much and so much more each day even if he's not even here. I feel silly about it sometimes but I can't help it. I just don't tell anyone in real life anymore. They'll never understand. I'm free to be the real me here and I'm thankful for it.

[KMB]

This is why I'm thankful for a computer and access to this forum. I can be the real me.So few understand---*why do you look so sad*--*you can do anything you want to now*. Yes, I can do anything I want, but I do things at my own pace. Someday, I'll take more steps forward but only when I feel I'm ready.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, KMB said:

*why do you look so sad*--*you can do anything you want to now*.

The thing they don't understand is the "want to" has gone.  It's very hard to get any of the "want to" back.

[KMB]

That's for dang sure, KayC. It's going to take time to get the *want to* back, if it ever does. I'm hopeful. The one friend who has been fairly consistent in my life, keeps telling me to *smile*, which I can because this person is so filled with bullcrap teasing it does make me smile. It doesn't hurt either that this person brings with their puppy. Who can't help but smile with a rambunctious puppy running around. My husband and I had many good times with this friend and I'm thankful for the continued friendship.

[KayC]

I'm glad you have such a friend.  My best friend moved a couple of years ago and I haven't found a new bestie yet.  

[KMB]

KayC---It is nice to have this friend stopping over now. But this friend is going back home this weekend.(Has a hunting cabin here) Might come up again after Christmas or New Years. I'll have to adjust to being totally alone again. Nothing or no one can fill the void of the loss of our person. No matter how I fill my day, that emptiness is always going to be there.

[KayC]

Yes, I know it is.  It's quite a change, isn't it.  It takes a lot of effort to adjust to this.

[Chasisdope]

My little three year old just came and sat on my bed. She whispered in a trembling voice and cried, "I just want my daddy." I hugged her and cried with her. I pulled up videos on our facebook and showed them to her. She smiled and is a little better now. I haven't talked about him much so that I don't trigger any of her emotions. She just came out of no where and that happened. Ugh. The pain. How I wish he's still here.

[KMB]

Be proud of yourself for being able to handle that emotional interlude with your daughter. It could not have been easy for you. Due to technology today, be grateful you had the videos to appease your daughter wanting to see her daddy. Maybe you can find someone who can make a pillow for your daughter with a photo of her daddy so she can sleep with it or hang onto it when she needs comfort?

[KayC]

I've seen the pillows on eBay, you send them the digital picture and they print it on the cloth and make a pillow and send it to you.  Usually about $30 or so.  That sounds like a great idea!
You handled it well, you're so caring and thoughtful of her, placing her feelings ahead of your own.  You're a good mommy!