My Mom died today, and it's my fault.

[Byran Payne]

I lost my Mom today.  It was out of the blue. She was only 77, in good health, never sick, no issue that we knew of. I had just spoken to her a week ago, she was fine so far as I could tell. She was on the train, heading home from a visit to my brother. It's. long trip, 14 hours all in all. She did it once a year.  This year, she slipped off to sleep and just didn't wake up. 

My Mom died, I think, of a broken heart. She just decided she was done, and that was that. 

I am the youngest of 6 brothers, with one adopted younger sister. My Mom was not the best Mom, not in many ways. When we  were young, my Mom divorced. We were all just kids, she was lost and had no idea what to do. She sorta just fell apart. She gave up all her possessions to become a Nun, which lasted a few years. During which time, all of us were left to our own devices. I was living on my own at 16, my sister at 14. She came out of the first nunnery, took all the stuff she gave away back that she could, then did it again; gave away everything and tried to be a Nun. Second time lasted a little longer.

My older brother committed suicided and died during this time. This broke all of us. My mother had a way of picking out our weaknesses. Any accomplishment was subtly rebuffed, and highlighted for how it was really a boast, or criticized against the weighty difficulties being faced by my mother. In those times, we each tried to help her. It was never enough. My sister gave her a house, yes, gave it to her. She was not impressed, in my Mom's mind my sister didn't do enough to help her maintain it, or furnish it. Eventually, my sister had had enough, and took it back. We set my Mom up in a nice condo. My sister had did not speak to her again after this.

I tried to help when I could. But for any dollar given, ten was expected. My older brothers stopped helping her completely, and they almost never spoke. Only me and my closest living brother continued to support her. 

Two years ago, one of my brothers ran into financial struggles, to the point where he ended up having to live with her for a while. She latched on to him and he supported her as he could. He also committed suicide about 6 months after he moved in with her. This broke her, and all of us. Out of five brothers, two are now dead by their own hands.

My remaining brothers just checked out, barely speaking with her. I continued to help finencially and kept close to her. What else could I do. Any help was never enough, and any call from her was a tale of woe and a request for more money. It was hard, but you learned to filter the put downs and endless subtle look of disappointment and self pity. 

A few months back, she wanted to go to her favorite vacation spot. It was her connection to her youth and to her family. We were trying coordinate with other family members, and it worked out such that we could not go. She told me how bad of a person I was for this, and that "she wouldn't ever again bother me and my high life style". I was done with it and we didn't speak. 

She tried to reach out, but I just wasn't ready. On Thanksgiving, we spoke, it had been a few months. I live in another state and couldn't be with her, she was alone and I heard it in her voice. She must have been sitting there all alone that night, it must have been terrible for her. We planned to meet for Christmas, I was going  to fly in with my wife and our kids. She told me I had abandoned her, I told her that I would see her soon.

Today she died and yes, it's my fault.

[Lisa k]

Bryan , sorry for your loss, but please don't blame yourself . It's not your fault at all. You had a difficult relationship with her as the rest of your siblings also.You did your best and none of are perfect and we all have regrets , its only natural . you have been through alot over the years by the sound of it. Give yourself time to grieve , its a long process for a lot of people . 

Hugs to you 

Lisa 

[codeman1031]

Hey Bryan,

I am very sorry for what you are going through. 

I do believe it is a process of grief to want to point blame on someone, something, sometimes ourselves. When my dad passed I blamed the doctors for not acting quickly enough, or using the correct methods, etc. The truth is, these things happen. You didn't pull a trigger, your hurt, upset. This is ok. Do not blame yourself bud, regret is natural. 

 

Much Love

[Ashlee S]

Her death wasn't your fault. Feelings are not usually a good judgement of truth. 

[Guest]

I agree with the others, it's not your fault at all. Whether we want to except it or not, there is a pre-determined time for all of us and it will happen as it's meant to.